i feel cold, numb and dead

[Blue Rabbit]

Don't tell ya parents...... -_- Or well you can but they can't do nothing about it can they....... Bring it up with a therapist or endo-thingy or doctor as soon as ya can. Medical people cause it's better safe than sorry if ya passing out 'n stuff.

[Umiko]

i guess i better becuz no amount of convincing will get jessie from telling me to go see a doctor just in case lol

[Ms Grace]

Some of the symptoms you are experiencing could be due to panic attacks, blood pressure problems, nutritional deficiencies... a whole range of things which you'd do we'll to get checked out ASAP. The depression and emotional pique is unfortunately caught up in everything else. I don't meant to sound glib - there's no simple solution, I've been there myself and know the abject pain/numbness it brings with it - but the key is learning how to get a handle on your emotions... you need to be in charge of them, not the other way around, don't let them overwhelm you and sweep you away. That requires some coping mechanisms, hopefully your therapist can help you with that. Hugs.

[Jessica Merriman]

i guess i better becuz no amount of convincing will get jessie from telling me to go see a doctor just in case lol

Sorry baby, it is just the Paramedic in me. I have run a lot of calls in 28 years and have seen a lot. I worry about everyone here because I consider you all family. I won't say anything else about it, just trying to help. Have a great night!

[Blue Rabbit]

i guess i better becuz no amount of convincing will get jessie from telling me to go see a doctor just in case lol

XD Haha good.

[Bombadil]

first of all,  Umiko Liliana (should I just call you Umiko? Liliana?) I am so sorry you are struggling so much. Distraction is a good plan and listen to Jessica. She's a wise lady.

Meh maybe, I've had many in the past but they were forced down my throat by schools so I didn't expect them to be of a high quality. But indeed they did just listen. If there are good ones out there who do more than be a brick wall and just absorb information and give nothing out then fantastic!

last week I was having a bit of a meltdown because to change my name I need my birth certificate and I don't have it and thought it would be hard to get. So my therapist helped me figure out how to get it. Like actually sat down with me, looked on the computer and helped me fill out the form. She's never just sat there. Good ones don't.

[Umiko]

first of all,  Umiko Liliana (should I just call you Umiko? Liliana?) I am so sorry you are struggling so much. Distraction is a good plan and listen to Jessica. She's a wise lady.

last week I was having a bit of a meltdown because to change my name I need my birth certificate and I don't have it and thought it would be hard to get. So my therapist helped me figure out how to get it. Like actually sat down with me, looked on the computer and helped me fill out the form. She's never just sat there. Good ones don't.

you can call me umi, koko,liana is my middle name so lily or lilana if you want to call me by my middle name lol. my therapist doesnt sit either. he called me to schedule our next appointment i just bursted into tears. he just said calm down(warning, never tell a girl to calm down for we will only get more riled up) and said do something to distract yourself which worked except the calming down thing.

[Umiko]

i just feel like, no matter what i do, i end up causing more trouble and i try everything my therapist is suggesting but at the end of the day, all i do is cry myself to sleep. i really feel like i should just stop now not only becuz i feel like i might go blind becuz i'm crying so much and my mother doesnt really care or think its a phase which makes my dysphoria anything but bearable. i just dont know what to do anymore

[Serenation]

Acute Anxiety will definitely shut you down. Not instantly and without warning though in my experience,  Maybe 5 or 10 seconds of thoughts racing, vision and audio fading out, and that's it you wake up again. Not something you want to happen while driving a vehicle. The adrenaline overdose from can make your body hurt and ache for weeks, I used to get pains around the kidneys and stomach so bad it felt like being stabbed.

Anyway like everyone else said see a doctor. Whatever it is your going have to find a way to make it not happen again.

Hug you are not alone.

[@Diana]

i hope you are getting better asap Sis , please take care of yourself & dont get too stressed !

[Umiko]

i just feel so selfish. i just want a straight answer thus i always ask "when you look at me, what do you see?" seems like no one can answer my question. i'm sry for sounding like a broken record. 

[Umiko]

i really think i should just let go. i dont know how much more of this i can take. my therapist isnt a gatekeeper but no matter what i say, it just seems like his response is experiment experiment experiment. it seems like he is purposely putting me in situations where my dysphoria is guaranteed to destroy me

[Jessica Merriman]

Quite the opposite sweetie. He is testing your resolve and ability to cope under pressure to make sure transition is for you and you can complete it successfully.

[Umiko]

everyone knows you shouldnt test a girl unless you want trouble, but still. i guess i'm just getting selfish. i deserve to be selfish, dont i? but i guess when i do get into the situations, i find a sense of centering....calmness. i guess its becuz i still have reservations, its causing more trouble for me than what i see it as. maybe i'm still having acceptance issues

[Jessica Merriman]

maybe i'm still having acceptance issues

It could be that or just looking at how long and hard the road to transition really is.

[Umiko]

jessie, i swear you can take anyone out of there sulking hole xD thnx sis but i see how long it is, its just i'm worn out becuz of my past and what my situations are in the present

[Jessica Merriman]

jessie, i swear you can take anyone out of there sulking hole xD thnx sis but i see how long it is, its just i'm worn out becuz of my past and what my situations are in the present

I think I understand now. Trust me Sis, I was almost the same way before starting on the road to transition. I was tied down with more baggage than United Airlines. What changed for me was looking forward to being reborn. I am now like a baby growing every day until my real birth. It should be an exciting time for you and not a reason for misery, guilt or self doubt. You will always have memories of your past life, but don't let your new future get bogged down by it. Embrace every single change your mind and body are about to go through and realize just how lucky you are to have Dysphoria now in 2014. I had to bury my feelings because the attitudes, treatments and surgeries were almost non existent in 1970. You deserve to be who you need to be and do not have to explain why to no one. Let it go Sis and soar high! You will value the new you because you earned it the hard way and will respect yourself more.

[Umiko]

i know. its just basically being rejected by my family though they cant stop me so its forcing them to accept me, stepping into this while having to deal with civil legal stuff(no i didnt do anything wrong), its a lot on me. i just worry if i made the wrong decision coming out now rather than later.

[Jessica Merriman]

It may seen like a lot right now, but I lived with Dysphoria for 40 years and it literally almost killed me. Transition now and there will be no regrets later if transition is what you want. There is never going to be a perfect time. Something will always come up.

[Umiko]

It may seen like a lot right now, but I lived with Dysphoria for 40 years and it literally almost killed me. Transition now and there will be no regrets later if transition is what you want. There is never going to be a perfect time. Something will always come up.

well i already did my calculations and deep thinking and i know transitioning is the only way for me to survive. its just i'm scared, not of what society would think of me becuz i literally say screw what society thinks, its just i'm scared i'd have to dig deeper than before and not know what i'd find