Timid about requesting female pronouns?

[Debussy]

Has anyone had a span of time where they feel timid about requesting female pronouns? I haven't felt confident enough to ask anyone except my partner. For some reason I'm concerned about making other people uncomfortable, and would rather just remain uncomfortable myself. My mind has also reasoned that if people don't look at me and think "she" already, then I don't deserve it anyways. But I know why I'm applying this standard to my family- it's not quite fair since they've known me as male for 20 years. I even expressed this dilemma with my mother, and she said that it makes her uncomfortable to call me her/she. She just doesn't understand how I've been denied this basic thing my entire life and I guess I'm not very good at explaining how important it is to me.

I'm sure many of us have dealt with other people's discomfort around pronouns- has anyone else felt a lack of confidence and felt almost like they don't deserve the pronouns because they don't see a girl in the mirror? When my partner or anyone does use the pronouns, I feel supported. And I feel like I rely on that support- just like I relied on the world around me to choose my gender for me as I grew up. A huge problem in transition is this reliance on other people- I don't feel comfortable or confident enough to rely on my own fire right now; especially in such a vulnerable state. I don't feel confident to ask people for what I want. How do I find that fire??!!? It feels like that girl inside me has been smashed down so much and her fire is burning low. Lately I've been having panic attacks and the only thing that calms me down is my partner cradling me and repeating in my ear "you are beautiful, you are a girl and I love you."

[Ms Grace]

Prior to transition my request was, when I'm presenting as female please use female pronouns, when as male use male pronouns. Some good close friends offered to use female pronouns after I came out to them but I personally didn't feel comfortable with being called Grace or having female pronouns used while I was in dude-mode... even though it's exactly what my ears wanted to hear. Main reason was I didn't want to confuse people or muddy the waters. But once I went full time it was very easy to ask everyone to use those pronouns. So I don't know if I found the fire, as you describe it, but it wasn't what I wanted anyway.

[Ryan55]

i get what your saying here, my family still uses female pronouns on me too and they have been for 23 years so I feel bad sayin hey call me ryan now and use he/him, my girl uses the right pronoun and name though which makes me feel better, my friends offered to use he/him and ryan, but I told them not until I start T and start passing more as a guy, i get you

[HoneyStrums]

I Dont often ask, Ive found that the more I adjust the more people start using she/her. Even some that said they couldnt call me she before op, naturaly started using those pronouns the more they got to know the real me.

I still get he/him a lot, i dont make a fuss about it though but the discomfort does show. I Do however make a fuss about my name.
And ill be more assertive come the legal changes.

[Cindy]

I think it comes as you mentally transition, which I think is when you really pass no matter your looks voice etc. now a days I forget at times that I was a natal male, and people seem to pick up on that.

I had one incident at work when a guy was always miss pronouncing me. I told him in public in front of all the staff that if he did it again that I would cut his balls off and he could wear them as ear rings. He has never slipped up since.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

yeap I do feel like that too

i guess you should just tell people how you want to get called, those who love you will eventually respect you

[bubbles21]

I have trouble with this because I dont want to argue with family or friends. People wjo know me often call me He still but for those that dont know me who I meet always call me her she or miss haha So i dont think I have a problem passing but then the people who knew me before transitioning still call me He and it frustrates the hell out of me. I will be addressing this very soon with those close to me.

[mandonlym]

I've only had this problem with people who've known me as male especially from childhood and I mainly tell them how it makes me feel, the social discomfort it causes, and even if we're in a private place how it makes me scared about how other people would react if they heard it in public. For me, making people fully aware of all the consequences that come with gendering me male usually makes it easier for them to be more conscientious and careful.

My dad is a big trans supporter but he has a hard time because he grew up with an ungendered language. When he was being stubborn about it we had a big argument and I told him to stop the car and I started to walk home. He followed me and started yelling for me to get in, saying that it's not safe for me to walk at night in the middle of nowhere. I told him imagine how much less safe it would be if people knew I used to be a man. He apologized and I got in the car and he stopped misgendering me.

[fusstangtroy]

I think you have the tiger inside of you (not mean kind but fire as you speak ) you have to believe first then others will see positive female inside you .Start with small close circle of friends or family and coach yourself and them to adjust to the correct words . Baby steps always because there will be slip ups .( just cause you adjust fast, most will take time so be patience ).We all fight this battle and in our on going test we will have in our journey this is just a speed bump. Relax and enjoy the good stuff and become stronger with the tuff stuff . Have great day AKA Sara   

[LittleEmily24]

I was timid at first. You develop a more assertive desire after w while because of several things, whether it's having a more strong conviction that allows you to speak up confidently or a loss for patience after a long time of people not even trying.

[Debussy]

Yea I think the majority of the responses were that I will get more confidence as I transition, and that it's harder when the people have known you as the wrong gender. I think that's true- I only have 2 people who are comfortable with female pronouns right now, maybe as I progress then I will feel better expanding that circle.

I am moving in 14 days across the country, so I don't know how it will be when I get there, meeting new people... Depends on whether or not I'm full time I guess. It's kind of a weird conundrum- if I'm going to be 'out' but still not full time- why would the pronouns change based on my presentation if everyone knows I'm trans? I'll probably still have to request it. Seems like a weird situation.

Cindy- you speak of mental transition as a turning point, but isn't it gradual? How long does the mental transition usually take as opposed to the physical one? Is the indicator of the full mental transition then just being full time?

littleemily- do you think that confidence came up when you went full time? I think that requires a lot of confidence and that's when it wouldn't be a problem requesting what you want.

[Ms Grace]

It's kind of a weird conundrum- if I'm going to be 'out' but still not full time- why would the pronouns change based on my presentation if everyone knows I'm trans? I'll probably still have to request it. Seems like a weird situation.

That's something trans* people can understand, cis people less so, if at all. We could say they should just get over it, but then they'd say the same thing right back.

[Cindy]

quote
Cindy- you speak of mental transition as a turning point, but isn't it gradual? How long does the mental transition usually take as opposed to the physical one? Is the indicator of the full mental transition then just being full time?
Unquote

I think it is gradual, but for me it was when I forgot I was ever trying to be male. Now unless I deliberately think about it I never think about my male past in everyday situations. I'm just another woman. Nothing special, just me.

[LittleEmily24]

littleemily- do you think that confidence came up when you went full time? I think that requires a lot of confidence and that's when it wouldn't be a problem requesting what you want.

Well, I'm kind of an odd ball. Despite having gone full time, I was still timid in the early months, but after 5 months of requesting correct pronouns and proper name usage, I just felt like my timidity was getting me nowhere. The hormones also allowed me to be more assertive and solid in my female identity and I felt a stronger importance in proper terms and word usage, so naturally at some point I just felt like "I'm a woman already, it's time I increase the volume"

Recently I've been dancing along the lines of "proud assertiveness" and "impatient annoyance" because I'm getting tired of presenting full time and getting this sense that many people aren't even trying.

The only person who was able to get it down the fastest was my wife. She calls me Emily an uses female pronouns without question or incident, and my mom is getting better and better at it every day. My friends have this nasty habit of being reminiscent of our past and saying "one time he.... I'm sorry, well, you WERE a he back then"... Not realizing the damage they are causing and not realizing that they are outing me...

[Debussy]

That's something trans* people can understand, cis people less so, if at all. We could say they should just get over it, but then they'd say the same thing right back.

Yea I've ran that thought course too. It's really sad that when most people hear you're transgendered, that doesn't immediately bring up thoughts of respect for the amount of strength that takes. There's no understanding of that type of pain, and it's seen WAY differently than it actually is. GID is just not part of public knowledge really, and I think that ignorance affects the transgender condition everywhere. I know I'm scared ->-bleeped-<-less thinking of going full time...

[Debussy]

I think it is gradual, but for me it was when I forgot I was ever trying to be male. Now unless I deliberately think about it I never think about my male past in everyday situations. I'm just another woman. Nothing special, just me.

How long into your transition did you start forgetting? does that happen to a lot of people?

Well, I'm kind of an odd ball. Despite having gone full time, I was still timid in the early months, but after 5 months of requesting correct pronouns and proper name usage, I just felt like my timidity was getting me nowhere. The hormones also allowed me to be more assertive and solid in my female identity and I felt a stronger importance in proper terms and word usage, so naturally at some point I just felt like "I'm a woman already, it's time I increase the volume"

Recently I've been dancing along the lines of "proud assertiveness" and "impatient annoyance" because I'm getting tired of presenting full time and getting this sense that many people aren't even trying.

The only person who was able to get it down the fastest was my wife. She calls me Emily an uses female pronouns without question or incident, and my mom is getting better and better at it every day. My friends have this nasty habit of being reminiscent of our past and saying "one time he.... I'm sorry, well, you WERE a he back then"... Not realizing the damage they are causing and not realizing that they are outing me...

Yea I think I'll reach point of 'impatient annoyance' soon enough- when my annoyance outweighs my timidness. Since you are a girl now and you were a girl then, I don't see why lots of trans family members prefer to use 'he' in the past tense. I can see where I might feel scared of annoying people by nitpicking all the vocabulary around me. I mean they have a hard enough time using 'she' in the first place... then you have to put in a petition to have it be she in all tenses. haha

And to be honest I haven't even really asked anyone straightforward yet. I always say stuff like 'oh don't worry about it, just say what you're comfortable saying' and 'well I'm used to it by now' or telling them I'll let them know when I'm not okay with he anymore.

How do you normally go about it? Bring it up when they use he?

[Goldfish]

And to be honest I haven't even really asked anyone straightforward yet. I always say stuff like 'oh don't worry about it, just say what you're comfortable saying' and 'well I'm used to it by now' or telling them I'll let them know when I'm not okay with he anymore.

Out of curiosity, as I have yet to talk to people other close family members about this (who seem to have picked it up really fast and auto-correct themselves when they slip ), but do people often find it awkward/uncomfortable to use the pronouns you request? I get that it's usually a bit strange for them, but if they are using the pronouns you request, why would they feel uncomfortable? Just because of the strangeness?

Naomi

[Debussy]

Out of curiosity, as I have yet to talk to people other close family members about this (who seem to have picked it up really fast and auto-correct themselves when they slip ), but do people often find it awkward/uncomfortable to use the pronouns you request? I get that it's usually a bit strange for them, but if they are using the pronouns you request, why would they feel uncomfortable? Just because of the strangeness?

Naomi

Well I believe it's awkward because they've know me as "he" for so long... to be honest I don't know why my mom said it made her uncomfortable... I guess its the conflict of looking at me and seeing the boy, then forcing herself to say she, just feels weird? hah I guess I have to have a talk with her...