Fear of Rejection: Androgyne

[Kendall]

According to the androgyne poll at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,16159.0.html number one at this time is Fear of Rejection, which even I myself voted as one of my choice.

Fear of Rejection [disapproval, being ignored] from Others. [family, friends, work, partner, society, religion, other groups, world]

So I thought it good if there was a post, just to talk about that. Maybe find some inspirational type stuff, techniques for overcoming fears. Maybe share concerns  and give support. Sorta the what, whys, and hows.

I know I could use some help in that area also.

Maybe to start the ball rolling let me posts some stuff from one site that lists what fear is.

What is fear of rejection?
Fear of rejection is the:

Irrational fear that others will not accept me for who I am, what I believe, and how I act.

Pervasive motivator for caution in my behavior and interactions with others.

State of mind that makes me incapable of doing or saying anything for fear of others' rejection, lack of acceptance, or disapproval.

State of being of individuals who are over-dependent on the approval, recognition, or affirmation of others in order to feel good about themselves. In order to sustain personal feelings of adequacy these individuals are constantly concerned with the reactions of others to them.

Self-censoring attitude that inhibits creativity, productivity, and imagination in one's approach.

Driving force behind many people that keeps them from being authentic human beings. They are so driven by the need for acceptance of others that they lose their own identity in the process. They mimic the ways in which others act, dress, talk, think, believe, and function. They become the three-dimensional clones of the ``role models'' they so desperately need to emulate in order to gain acceptance.

Underlying process in the power of ``peer pressure'' that grabs hold and makes people act in stereotypic, ``pop'' culture, counter culture, punk, new wave, preppie, yuppie, and other styles. They crave recognition and acceptance from the reference group with whom they want to be identified.

Energy-robbing attitude that leads to self immobilization, self-defeating, and self-destructive behavior. This attitude encourages ongoing irrational thinking and behavior, resulting in personal stagnation, regression, and depression.

Driving force of some people for all actions in their lives. It plays a part in their choices concerning their education, career direction, work behavior, achievement level, interpersonal and marital relationships, family and community life, and the ways in which they spend leisure time.

Act of giving to others more power than I give to myself over how I feel about myself. What the others say or feel about me is the determinant of how I feel about myself. I am completely at the mercy of others for how happy or sad I will be. My self-satisfaction and belief in myself is in their hands. Fear of rejection is the abdication of power and control over my own life.

http://www.coping.org/relations/reject.htm

[Pica Pica]

i think fear of rejection is an inherent part of being people. it has always been.

[Kendall]

Read an article by Royane Real. I found several things applicable to me.

steps you can take to overcome your fear of rejection:

- Remind yourself why you want to overcome your fear of rejection. Remind yourself that your goal is to have a happy social life.

- Change what you say to yourself about rejection. Don't tie your self worth to whether or not you get accepted or rejected by other people.

- Take a series of baby steps when developing new relationships.

- Look for signs of receptiveness in the other person.

- Deliberately set out to collect as many rejections as you can

- When you are out making approaches to other people, tell yourself that it's just practice, it doesn't count.

- Make many, many social approaches to other people.

One way that you can lessen the likelihood and frequency of rejection is to allow your relationships to develop slowly. Take baby steps. When relationships develop slowly, you must still make efforts to approach the other person, but your efforts will be low key and casual, rather than intense.

During each interaction with the person you wish to befriend, notice that person's body language and facial expressions. Are you getting encouraging smiles and nods? Is that person's body posture open or closed? Do you sense an eagerness to continue the conversation?

http://www.articledashboard.com/Article/How-to-Overcome-Your-Fear-of-Rejection/141274

[Jay]

I agree with Pica

i think fear of rejection is an inherent part of being people. it has always been.

[Kendall]

One thing that one person said a few years ago when I first told them about myself really bothers me and gnaws at me. I told them a little about myself and feelings, then explained my nervousness and that I hadnt told but 2 other people. After that point they sorta expected to be all androgynous everyday around them (which I eventually did more) but earlier before I was, they wondered why I wasnt, since they knew. They said they thought I was shameful of it, and felt some sort of guilt, rather then the nervousness, a bit of embarrassment, and fear of rejection, and unkown reactions that I had felt. And that I didnt know how to publically present myself naturally since I had never done that. But their assumption of my apprehensiveness was that I felt shameful, and guilty of being something rather than just fear, has made me angry and mad. I have felt guilty before, and know how that feels. Thats how I felt when I hide my other half and tried to live only halfway.

And I have felt guilty getting caught doing stuff before. I have felt shame before seeing someone misrepresent something that I felt pride for.

There is a difference between guilt, shame, and embarrassment.

Shame as a violation of cultural or social values while feelings of guilt arise from violations of internal values.

Shame carries the connotation of a response to qualities that are considered morally wrong, whereas one can be embarrassed regarding actions that are morally neutral but socially unacceptable.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame

My lack of knowledge and assumption of guilt and shame made me very very hurt, upset, then sad, then angry, then mad. Whereas in the old days I would have tried to deny, hide, and just accept what others said to protect myself and try pretending to fit in with others.

Yes I am fearful of many things. And fear is natural. But the kind I experienced is not. Nothing else in my life had shut me up completely to the point where no one else had known. And no fear had closed me off to where I had hide from myself for 9 years, with self rejection. I think its a very unnatural barrier to me, in my case, that just hurts, causes pain, and sufficated me. I am not talking about being a social, gregarious outgoing person. Just overcoming the general fear that impeded (s).

I think family and friends went most the way. I just want a little less fear from strangers and new people. After I overcome a little of that, I think I will be fine and content.

I am sick of being fearful. Angry, mad, hurt, and sad. I know for myself I have gone a distance so far, and overcome several fears. A few still stand in my way. I dont want to overcome all fears, just the important ones. Ones that keep me caged in, even if most of it is self imposed.