Finding peace on the roller coaster ride?

[Dora]

I started HRT last week. In my research on hormones for the M2F I've come across a couple of clinics as well as TS web pages that state HRT is a good way to determine if you are ready to continue on with the journey or not. They say if you are, your brain is feminized you will feel more natural, more in sync, more at ease with the world etc. If not, you are not on the right path.

I have also read where HRT can be a real roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, emotions going wild, crises and depressions -- in short get ready for a bumpy ride.

How does one determine that the HRT is "food for the soul" when one is riding the roller coaster?

Dora

[Dora]

You'll just know if it's "food for the soul" or not. (8 mths and not stopping )

Thanks Kiera. That makes sense. I'm actually wanting the increased sensitivity and emotions (although I can easily cry during a movie without HRT.   ) After thinking about it more, I now think I confused the emotional part with the physical part.  Fore example, if all of a sudden I started having migraine headaches (which I hear are BAD)  my guess is that it has nothing to do of whether or not I should continue.

I guess I am over-reacting here... and a little too anxious. Just starting hormones last week, I REALLY, REALLY. REALLY want this to happen. 

Dora

[HelenW]

. . . How does one determine that the HRT is "food for the soul" when one is riding the roller coaster?

That's an easy one.  It's the right stuff for you if you're enjoying the ride!

Have fun!!
Emelye

[Fae]

. . . How does one determine that the HRT is "food for the soul" when one is riding the roller coaster?

That's an easy one.  It's the right stuff for you if you're enjoying the ride!

Have fun!!
Emelye

Pretty much.  4 months on HRT and without a doubt in my mind, I'm not stopping.  Somewhere along the ride you just 'know.'  Best of luck Dora

~Fae

[Kate]

How does one determine that the HRT is "food for the soul" when one is riding the roller coaster?

Ever go on a coaster that scared you half to death, screaming the whole way, stomach in knots and about to throw up...

Then when it's over, you take a couple breaths, and say, "that was GREAT! Again! Again!"

Well, that's how you know

~Kate~

[Dora]

Pretty much.  4 months on HRT and without a doubt in my mind, I'm not stopping.  Somewhere along the ride you just 'know.'  Best of luck Dora

That's just it, I now know, and I've always known. Now I just hope my so called "feminized mind" knows! 

It's interesting that I have been on HRT for less then a week and somehow I feel calmer. I know it is way too soon to be feeling any effects from the hormones, but from an emotional view, it is a very nice and secure feeling knowing that I have taken my first step.

Thanks for all the thoughts and support everyone.

Dora

[Kate]

It's interesting that I have been on HRT for less then a week and somehow I feel calmer. I know it is way too soon to be feeling any effects from the hormones, but from an emotional view, it is a very nice and secure feeling knowing that I have taken my first step.

Of course, it's often just such a HUGE relief to be doing something, rather than waiting and debating.

Everyone's experience is really different with all this, and people debate whether or not HRT really affects our minds or whether we just feel more free to be ourselves, but...

I went NUTS for the first few months of HRT. Euphoric, then suicidal, than giddy, than incredibly sad, then... repeat over and over. Now to be fair, I was also wrestling with all the consequences of that decision, but STILL... it was a terribly turbulent time for me. It was as if every emotion I'd ever experienced was being played on fast-forward, with the volume turned to 10, all at once.

And the scary thing is, even when I was ready to ram my car into a concrete barrier, I STILL absolutely *loved* it. I finally felt like ME, like I could TOUCH this world at last, my feelings, my thoughts. Like a barrier had snapped, the dam burst, and everything that'd been blocked up for four decades just came flooding out.

But you have to learn to ride that out, if it happens. When you're suicidal, remember that you're not ALWAYS that way. Remember the good times and know they'll come again. And when you're giddy with joy, make a note of how it feels so you can remember it when you're down. Appreciate it while it lasts.

Eventually, as with everything else in a transition you'll get a grip on it all... things will level out a bit.

But that emotional dial is STILL at 10, and I am NOT touching it. I love the pain, I love the joys, and I just can't get enough of being truly ALIVE finally...

~Kate~

[Dora]

I went NUTS for the first few months of HRT. Euphoric, then suicidal, than giddy, than incredibly sad, then... repeat over and over. Now to be fair, I was also wrestling with all the consequences of that decision, but STILL... it was a terribly turbulent time for me. It was as if every emotion I'd ever experienced was being played on fast-forward, with the volume turned to 10, all at once.

And the scary thing is, even when I was ready to ram my car into a concrete barrier, I STILL absolutely *loved* it. I finally felt like ME, like I could TOUCH this world at last, my feelings, my thoughts. Like a barrier had snapped, the dam burst, and everything that'd been blocked up for four decades just came flooding out.

Kate,

Thank you for writing that message. I have printed it out for future reminder of when/if things get difficult. To one degree or another I have been on that roller coaster ride since the start of puberty. I'm hoping that the HRT helps smooths out the the emotions, (i.e., estrogen is what my mind has always craved) but I am expecting some chaos and ready for whatever comes.

Dora

[seldom]

HRT for me has had an increased amount of clarity.

The thing is I was always emotional.  I personally can't tell a huge difference from before starting HRT, except one.  I am a bit happier, a bit more me.  Oh I get less angry...which is really nice, I never liked that part of testosterone.  My temperament has actually improved there.  My emotional makeup, save for the anger, was always more female than male, this has been the case since I was very little. 

I am only during the early stages too, when many people describe a roller coaster ride at first. Not here.  I just felt better, more at peace, less needlessly angry. 

Its different for everybody.  For me it was not a huge change, it was just the brain was getting the right chemicals.  For others they experience an emotional roller coaster.

Obviously, I am not stopping.

[Kate]

Dora, look at it this way (and Kate, correct if wrong or "way out of line" here because it took me quite a while to eventually see it this way). I feel the two of us, Kate & I, are at complete opposite ends of a transition methodology as it were. We both started HRT around the same time but that is where our similarity ends. In a very real sense Kate is light years ahead of me as far as "transitioning" is concerned because she "pushed full speed ahead" whereas I am still sitting somewhat quietly "pulled over" onto "side lines" as it were.

LOL, well I TRIED to pull over and rest, but circumstances and the people around me always pushed me forward. Once you swallow that first pill, you can just throw out all your plans and ideas of "timelines," as transitioning has it's own agenda which will drag you, kicking and screaming, along with it. At least it did for me.

Oh for sure, I used to say, "I'll never go fulltime until I can pass perfectly!" But it just didn't work out that way. One thing leads to another: if you do THIS, then you have to do THAT, on and on until I found myself sitting at work as a female, answering the phone as Kate, and wondering how the HECK I got here?

Seriously... I mean I came out to management because my breasts and facial changes were becoming too noticable. Management told me when to come out to the rest of the office. After I did, my coworkers started calling me Kate on their own, so I changed it everywhere I could. Since coworkers knew now, I had to tell family and friends. Since I was out at work, I had to start presenting myself at work as Kate. Since I was going to/from work as Kate, neighbors began to notice, so I told some of them. Then the estrogen really kicked in at around 9 months, and I was suddenly confusing strangers terribly when I called myself by my male name, so I committed to just going for it from then on. I doubt I pass anywhere near 100%, but there comes a time when it's less awkward to go out as a female and not pass on occasion, then go out as a male and rarely pass as one.

My therapist and TS friend always told me, "let society tell you when you're female, just let it happen and grow into it." And as anxious as I was, that's pretty much how it played out for me, and continues to do so. I never had a "fulltime date," there was never a day I just showed up as a female. It just evolved over time, and I just did my best to read the signals and follow the road signs

~Kate~

[Fae]

Dora, look at it this way (and Kate, correct if wrong or "way out of line" here because it took me quite a while to eventually see it this way). I feel the two of us, Kate & I, are at complete opposite ends of a transition methodology as it were. We both started HRT around the same time but that is where our similarity ends. In a very real sense Kate is light years ahead of me as far as "transitioning" is concerned because she "pushed full speed ahead" whereas I am still sitting somewhat quietly "pulled over" onto "side lines" as it were.

LOL, well I TRIED to pull over and rest, but circumstances and the people around me always pushed me forward. Once you swallow that first pill, you can just throw out all your plans and ideas of "timelines," as transitioning has it's own agenda which will drag you, kicking and screaming, along with it. At least it did for me.

Oh for sure, I used to say, "I'll never go fulltime until I can pass perfectly!" But it just didn't work out that way. One thing leads to another: if you do THIS, then you have to do THAT, on and on until I found myself sitting at work as a female, answering the phone as Kate, and wondering how the HECK I got here?

Seriously... I mean I came out to management because my breasts and facial changes were becoming too noticable. Management told me when to come out to the rest of the office. After I did, my coworkers started calling me Kate on their own, so I changed it everywhere I could. Since coworkers knew now, I had to tell family and friends. Since I was out at work, I had to start presenting myself at work as Kate. Since I was going to/from work as Kate, neighbors began to notice, so I told some of them. Then the estrogen really kicked in at around 9 months, and I was suddenly confusing strangers terribly when I called myself by my male name, so I committed to just going for it from then on. I doubt I pass anywhere near 100%, but there comes a time when it's less awkward to go out as a female and not pass on occasion, then go out as a male and rarely pass as one.

My therapist and TS friend always told me, "let society tell you when you're female, just let it happen and grow into it." And as anxious as I was, that's pretty much how it played out for me, and continues to do so. I never had a "fulltime date," there was never a day I just showed up as a female. It just evolved over time, and I just did my best to read the signals and follow the road signs

~Kate~

I'm not out there, but I think people at work are starting to give me weird looks too because no matter how baggy the shirt I'm wearing is, I'm sure they can see that I have breast development.  Same for my face.  I'm only there for about two more weeks and then I'm presenting as female when I return to school, so it'll be ok.

I'm in the same boat you were Kate, and it's been an interesting ride. 

~Fae

[Fae]

I'm not out there, but I think people at work are starting to give me weird looks too because no matter how baggy the shirt I'm wearing is, I'm sure they can see that I have breast development.  . . .

Ah! Don't 'ave that problem, yet, except perhaps at the more publicly inclined local swimming areas!

Don't Know if I should be 'appy or sad! 

(being a "16 tall" as i currently am i suspect the gender gods are planning on making it up to me in other areas!)

One can only hope they will dear, and please be happy.  These things take time. 

~Fae