Moments you know you cant go back

[ashrock]

Yesterday I was hanging out with a gf and at some point she decided it would be amusing to attempt a male voice, so after her attempt naturally I gave it a shot and apparently my male voice is gone.  She was quite amused, I was a bit shocked.  I dont know where it went as I just let it go slowly over time, but I cant even imagine how to get back to guy from here (maybe I was never truly ever there).  Any of you girls have revelatory moments like that you care to share?

[suzifrommd]

Any of you girls have revelatory moments like that you care to share?

While I was still part-time, I joined a women's reading group. The drive home afterward knowing that I'd being going to work the next day as a guy was painful. It felt so comfortable and natural to be in female company. After going to a couple meetings of the group, I knew I couldn't standing being a man for much longer.

[HoneyStrums]

Today less then an hour ago.

I have a thing for this guy who's been spending a lot of time with me lately, things were going great, really great, until today. The flirting became less suggestive and more invitation on his part. The killer? well he did something stupid and spoiled it all, that something stupid? he didn't say I Love you, H said it would have to be a secret. But I made it worse by asking WHY?

Anyway I found out he really, really likes me but, he's not sure how his farther would take it, doesn't want to create a fracture between his dad and my dad friendship, he doesn't want either of our dads to loose their best and only friend to be honest and he is really worried about it. I care for this guy, these worries are really getting to him I could see how much he was struggling with them and how down he was getting. I saw wear he was coming from, I've been in a very similar situation. He had something about himself he felt he should hide because he didn't want to fall out with and/or hurt all the people he cared about, sound familiar?

I cared about him too, directed him here :p (for the significant other aspects ) talked about his relationship with his dad. I realy didn't want him to fall any further for me, because I didn't want him to be in the position where he thought hurting everybody he loved was the only way he could be happy. Because of how much I cared about him and how much I didn't want him to go through what I went through I asked him to look at my Facebook in hopes that after he saw OLD me his feeling would change and he wouldn't have to struggle anymore, he wouldn't, because he doesn't want to treat me differently because of it and is frightened he might.

So, I thought ill show him since HE wont choose to look. I thought about cutting my hair, not shaving and dressing as male as I could. After he went home I sat in my room and looked in my mirror. I put my hair in a way that made me look as male as possible, felt painful. I thought about clothes, tried to picture them on me and then I saw my chest. I smiled some at seeing them, after seeing how happy they made me I realise I hadn't thought about not wearing them, and when I did the tears came. I couldn't do it, I cant do it, I cant live for somebody ells not even for an hour. I'll probably just show him the pictures, If he treats me differently then so what, at least he wont have to struggle with his feelings in a dangerous way anymore.

EDIT-- Seriously Its just a narrative towards the moment I realised I cant go back. I'm ok I'm fine I'm happy He genuinely likes me, and would like more . I don't need hugs But thanks for the love anyway. It seem I turned this into a cheer Butterfly up thread :/. Not my Intention, I WAS just stating the moment I realised I cant go back.

[stephaniec]

sorry, it's a tough one I hope everything turns out all right

[Rachel]

That is tough, hugs.

[Emmaline]

Lol... you'll get hugs whether you need them or not... THIS... IS... SUSANS!  (Hug).

Interesting thread- I am still in guy mode, but out to everyone that transition is happening.  I had a think about 'going back'- but you know when you start running down hill it would take a huge amount of effort to stop let alone climb back up.  Each time I am sirred its like a little push onwards- before you know it I will be pulling a ms. Grace and jumping fulltime before I planned to because I just cannot think of a reason why not.

[Allyda]

As some of you know about me, mine was 5 years ago when no matter what I did or wore I could no longer pass for male anymore. I was getting Ms'ed and Mam'ed in Flannel shirts and baggy pants. After days of this I knew my journey had finally began, and there was no going back.

Ally

[Eva Marie]

For me it was the first time I went out in public as Eva. I went big - I met some friends of mine in downtown San Diego in the Hillcrest area and we had a blast. I had never stepped foot outside en femme before that day. And it was totally normal, natural, and enjoyable to be out as Eva. I knew then that big changes were eventually coming my way and that I would not be able to stop them.

[Allyda]

For me it was the first time I went out in public as Eva. I went big - I met some friends of mine in downtown San Diego in the Hillcrest area and we had a blast. I had never stepped foot outside en femme before that day. And it was totally normal, natural, and enjoyable to be out as Eva. I knew then that big changes were eventually coming my way and that I would not be able to stop them.

You feel so relieved don't ya once you know the trying and pretending are over. It's like a ton of weight has been lifted off you and your finally free.

Ally

[Miyuki]

Yesterday I was hanging out with a gf and at some point she decided it would be amusing to attempt a male voice, so after her attempt naturally I gave it a shot and apparently my male voice is gone.  She was quite amused, I was a bit shocked.  I dont know where it went as I just let it go slowly over time, but I cant even imagine how to get back to guy from here (maybe I was never truly ever there).  Any of you girls have revelatory moments like that you care to share?

You too? When I started working on my voice, I basically fully committed to it, and I vowed to never use my normal male speaking voice intentionally again. But recently, I tried to talk like I used to just as an experiment, and I seriously couldn't do it. Even if my pitch gets lower (and my natural male voice has a relatively high pitch to start out with), something about the tone of my voice still sounds feminine. I can't even really remember what I used to sound like, and I'd probably have to train myself to sound the way I used to again.

[Jill F]

Seeing before pictures of myself.  Dour expressions and dead eyes, the fake smiles and obvious tension.  I'm so glad that I am not actually him.

Or coming out on Facebook.  That genie doesn't exactly go back in the bottle, does it?

[Evelyn K]

Right after laser in another 2 weeks.

Oh god I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Well. I think I am. Otherwise

[Miyuki]

Right after laser in another 2 weeks.

Oh god I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Well. I think I am. Otherwise

Meh, who needs facial hair anyway? Men just spend all their time shaving it off either way.

[LittleEmily24]

My posture and walking have become solidified. I tried to stand and walk in a male posture just to see if I could ~ Failed horribly, walking/behaving/standing in a feminine way always came naturally to me, and being male was always an act for me; so by that logic, now that i don't have to force my male-ness, I've forgotten how to even pretend lol.

alternatively, legal name change, chemical castration, spending tons of money on cryogenic sperm storage, or otherwise living full time ~ all seem like good markers for me to see that there is no going back, and I am damn sure glad about it. I also pretty much made my presence known on facebook my entire graduating class knows now (small high school), and it kinda killed my dream of going to the reunion and watching no one recognize me -_-

Pictures for me as well, my male pictures had maybe one genuine smile among 300-400 pictures where the smile looked forced or empty, i would otherwise try to make stupid ugly faces to avoid having to smile. Now I can't help but smile for every picture I take ~ or being told by my big brother "you have a glow about you now, I can tell that you are much happier because i've never seen this kind of energy coming from you in the entire time i've been your brother", also a pretty good indication of never going or never wanting to go back lol

[Miharu Barbie]

My point-of-no-return moment occurred one night in June 1998.  That was the night that I held a handgun to my mouth for 4 hours, frozen, unable to squeeze the trigger, unable to face another day on earth.  It was late afternoon when I loaded the gun and sat on my living room floor.  The room was as dark as my mood when I finally set the gun down, but in that moment I knew that transition was the only thing that could save me.  One week after that night, I started hormone injections, and Thanksgiving Day 1998 I transitioned and never looked back.

Changing my name and gender on my birth certificate, social security card and US passport all felt very significant too, but nothing comes close to a point-of-no-return moment like that night in June 1998.

[Jill F]

My point-of-no-return moment occurred one night in June 1998.  That was the night that I held a handgun to my mouth for 4 hours, frozen, unable to squeeze the trigger, unable to face another day on earth.  It was late afternoon when I loaded the gun and sat on my living room floor.  The room was as dark as my mood when I finally set the gun down, but in that moment I knew that transition was the only thing that could save me.  One week after that night, I started hormone injections, and Thanksgiving Day 1998 I transitioned and never looked back.

Changing my name and gender on my birth certificate, social security card and US passport all felt very significant too, but nothing comes close to a point-of-no-return moment like that night in June 1998.

Crap, I sucked on the barrel of a .38 a few times in 1992.  I had just lost a close friend, got widely blamed for his death, and in turn lost my job.  Money and food got scarce, and the weight loss made my dysphoria shoot through the roof while I knew I was going to be homeless soon.  I found the sense to sell off the gun and most of my possessions so I could hang on until my brother could get me out of there.  If it weren't for my remaining will to live, some good friends and family, I would not be here today.  I had to move back in with my parents for a bit, but the good news was I got a job right away and met my wife shortly thereafter.   

[ashrock]

Crap, I sucked on the barrel of a .38 a few times in 1992.  I had just lost a close friend, got widely blamed for his death, and in turn lost my job.  Money and food got scarce, and the weight loss made my dysphoria shoot through the roof while I knew I was going to be homeless soon.  I found the sense to sell off the gun and most of my possessions so I could hang on until my brother could get me out of there.  If it weren't for my remaining will to live, some good friends and family, I would not be here today.  I had to move back in with my parents for a bit, but the good news was I got a job right away and met my wife shortly thereafter.

Oh yes... the weight loss.. That really set me up double for transition, first, dysphoria went mad, second, well I actually started to look girlish bodywise which made it so tantalizing...

Also recently noticed, about a month or 2 ago I could look at old pictures of myself and didn't cry anymore, it became way more "wow, who is that?" than depressing, where before hormones id cry uncontrollably alone in a dark corner flipping through them...  Definitely not going back there.

[Emmaline]

We had gun control in uk.  Otherwise I would have the same story or simply not been here to comment.  Sat for hours with knives.

coming out on Facebook.  That genie doesn't exactly go back in the bottle, does it?

I am dying to do that!  Sooooooon....

[HoneyStrums]

Ohh I forgot I did that.

Even if I did turn around and say hey everybody I'm ok it was just a phase, I'm sure they be all like , yeeaahhh right, stop kidding yourself
And Plus it helps to have a know it all sister. By that I mean a know it all that knows quite a lot or everything. And by that I mean a sister that knows quite a lot of everything. And actually researches things she doesn't know about, which involves a lot of 20 question sessions, and internet surfing.

So yeah, I don't think my sister would let me put a lid on it. :p she wont try to hold me back either, but she does express her concerns and other issues if she feels I'm not aware of them.

[Allyda]

My point-of-no-return moment occurred one night in June 1998.  That was the night that I held a handgun to my mouth for 4 hours, frozen, unable to squeeze the trigger, unable to face another day on earth.  It was late afternoon when I loaded the gun and sat on my living room floor.  The room was as dark as my mood when I finally set the gun down, but in that moment I knew that transition was the only thing that could save me.  One week after that night, I started hormone injections, and Thanksgiving Day 1998 I transitioned and never looked back.

Changing my name and gender on my birth certificate, social security card and US passport all felt very significant too, but nothing comes close to a point-of-no-return moment like that night in June 1998.

I faced a similar situation in 2003, except I held my 9mm S&W Auto to my left temple and actually pulled the trigger. This was my second suicide attempt. The gun just went "click". Long story short even though I had good fresh ammo that bullet in the chamber of my pistol turned out to be a dud. Talk about a spiritual moment -I had one that night especially after loading the next shell and emptying the rest of the clip into a target I had setup. However I still didn't go full time until a few years later in summer of 2009.

I still have my guns including two semi auto hanguns; my 1911 and my Desert Eagle .44 mag, but I sold my 9mm the next day.

Ally