Gah can't sleep. I've been itching lately. And angry. I might abort the mission.

[HoneyStrums]

My thoughts and experience summed up well.

People say to people all the time, once you get what you want, you will always want something ells.
But that's the point as far as Im concerned, it true. Ever since not being a girl started to affect my life for the negative, that all ive wanted. And without this one thing I couldn't see past it. Now Im on my way, there is all sorts of other things I want. I actually have now, a future I want to work towards , so yes I sometime wonder if, trying to get there as cis-male image might make it easier to get. But that's because I forget how bad I felt before, the improvement in my mood, and my motivation for life all come from wear im going. Put me back in the living coffin and all this motivation and enjoyment life gives me is gone. So having this one thing makes me want other things(blows a big raspberry)

[Evelyn K]

Just so you know the conversation is ongoing on the other side as well with some relevant parallels.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,166361.0.html

BTW: I haven't aborted the mission outright, but having thoughts about it and that may change. I did benefit from E of course.

And no worries, I'm not going to turn this into a drama or multi page monologue.

[HoneyStrums]

Just so you know the conversation is ongoing on the other side as well with some relevant parallels.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,166361.0.html

BTW: I haven't aborted the mission outright, but having thoughts about it and that may change. I did benefit from E of course.

And no worries, I'm not going to turn this into a drama or multi page monologue.

Well I wasn't worried and to be honest, doubting ourselves and re evaluating our situation is the only way we can know if its still the right thing for us to do

if you clean a window and close the curtains, you cant just assume the window is still clean, you need to open them and re asses the window.
Just to be sure

[FalseHybridPrincess]

I think we re missing a point here

its not about what you can do etc etc its about what you are

I know that if I remained male I would have such an  easier time
but I aint no male , so I aint give a ->-bleeped-<- about any sort of privilege they might have
I dont care about it at all, I just dont want them to mess with me,,,

being trans is hard we all know
but its about living an authentic life
than living an easy lie

[Sammy]

And no worries, I'm not going to turn this into a drama or multi page monologue.

Oh, please no worries too - we are pretty good and confident in hyping up multi-page dramas ourselves .

[Julia-Madrid]

I think we re missing a point here
its not about what you can do etc etc its about what you are

TOTALLY AGREED!   This is it in a nutshell.

For many of us, I think it's not just natural but obligatory to spend substantial time thinking about what we could gain or lose when we transition.  Some of us simply have to transition; others (like me), well, we have been luckly enough to be able to choose the place and time.

Possible losses #1:  status at work; maybe income; running in the park at 11:30pm; walking home at 2am
Possible losses #2:  male clothing that never used to fit me anyway
Possible losses #3:  my beard.  Yay, finally!!!!
Possible losses #4:  bits of anatomy that I'm not exactly gonna miss
Possible losses #5:  a car that now looks faintly ridiculous with The Girl behind the wheel
Possible losses #6:  those interminable and mind-numbing guy conversations that focus on stuff, and how much of it

Gains #1:  I've got The Girl.  It's a 20-year old dream!  It's not perfect, but she's happy and so are her friends and family
Gains #2:  suddenly I'm a size 36; everything just fits almost perfectly!
Gains #3:  girl conversations.  Finally I don't need to pretend I'm gay, and then only be half-included in them

I'm trying to be serious and humourous at the same time.  It's not always an easy call.  Many of us have not been given the best breaks in the world.  But I'd happily give up a lot of the power and status just to be who I want to be.

Hugs
Julia

[Megan Joanne]

Material things over me being happy with myself, no contest whatsoever, I'll take me. I don't have much to begin with, also had to give up a lot of stuff being homeless (twice). I have enough personal belongings to fit into a single large duffle bag, probably with all my clothes too. One thing I've come to know over the years, even though there was I time that I got caught up on 'collecting' stuff, it never made me happy and the more I got the worst I felt, but that's because its not what I really wanted.

I was reading through a lot of your posts last night, and it seems to me that you just like pretty things. Do you really feel like you are a woman, really, truly? If so, don't give that up, you'll hate yourself later. Or maybe its just the thought of being a beautiful woman that entices you? Ooh, pretty face, nice long hair, soft smooth skin...but wait, this is sweet and all, but I don't know if I can handle living my life this way! Tough choice for you. Risk all the bull->-bleeped-<- transgender people have to go through to find happiness within yourself, and possibly live in poverty as well, or @#$% it, it was fun for that little bit, but...

[Evelyn K]

Oh, please no worries too - we are pretty good and confident in hyping up multi-page dramas ourselves .

Actually I think I might have unwittingly stirred a hornets nest. I mean the gall. Walking into a male forum only to be flogged for asking them if they identify with these male privilege/status kinda things.

[Bijou]

I'm a woman. I'll deal with the hardships we face as women, anyday, over having male privelage, over having money, cars, power, etc.

None of those things would mean anything to me if I wasn't happy wih myself.

[Lauren5]

I had to lol at this one.
http://johnny-escobar.tumblr.com/post/65940359221/lamborghini-aventador
Because I'm probably the only person in the world who wasn't like "Oooh! Lambo!"
Instead I noticed the Il-38 in the background first
I'm such an aviation nerd

[ErinS]

I've been pretty successful as a guy, and have gotten to run in some rare circles and with some extremely famous people. Here recently I had decided to buy a lambo(probably a 6.0 diablo or early -Murci, much prefer the iconic diablo though) and was shopping pretty hard before realizing the actual reason I wanted to buy one.

The thing is, all those things were done to keep my mind off of GD, and convince myself I was a real man. But what's the point of having accoutrements if they're just a distraction? As nice as upper class white male privilege can be(especially compared to being trans) what's the point if you spend your life as an imposter?

So yeah. Now lambo fund is dedicated to something else more worthwhile.

[Evelyn K]

I guess this is my official very first nervous breakdown thread

Has anyone here ever had one of these?

I think I better sleep. 1:00PM EST.

[Miharu Barbie]

Hi Evelyn,

Obviously, I don't know you.  But I feel that I can say with a high degree of certainty that if you pull the plug on your transition trajectory now, the day will come (sooner than you think) that YOU. WILL. REGRET IT!

I won't bore you with tales of all that I gave up (and lost) when I transitioned.  But I will tell you this... in the 16 years since I went full time and totally committed myself to life as I woman, the only regret that has ever put a serious wrinkle in my peace of mind from time to time is that I did not transition at a younger age.

This conversation reminds me of something that my best friend said to me when I came out to him all those years ago.  In horror he said, "You wanna be a woman?  Why would you want that?"  And when I told him that transition is my only chance at happiness in this lifetime, he said this to me: "Why would you want to be happy when you could be normal?"

Sixteen years into my life as Miharu, driving a 9 year old car, living in a modest but beautiful 3000 square foot home in a beautiful neighborhood, happily married, and the girliest-girl by far on my block, I can honestly say that I'm happier today than I have ever been at any time in my past.  And I fully expect life to continue to get better and better into my future.

And this moment, this life, this body, this hair, this big beautiful diamond solitaire wedding ring... this is the reason "why be happy when you could be normal."

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[Alainaluvsu]

Let's look at it from another perspective. People with certain disabilities are not "Top shelf" either, and have the same chances of pulling a guy away from a cis girl as we do. They can't really change it, but they go on with their lives. They cannot change it. They are still loved.

[stephaniec]

I'm poor have no toys could care less of any thing male privilege   could possibly bring me. haven't had a car since I was a teenager. Far more interested in my math hobby . As long as I can afford HRT I'm one extremely happy camper. Oh yea food and shelter and also some sort of working lap top

[Jill F]

I didn't do this to be pretty.  I did this to be true to myself.  I just do the best I can with what I have left to work with, and I feel good about that.  F*** what anyone else thinks.  F*** male privilege.  F*** society.  I am the real me now and that's all that ever mattered.

[big kim]

35 years ago I had a decent 327 Chevelle and 2 Triumph bikes.I  had a gorgeous head turning girlfriend and was earning good money in a rubbish job in a factory and life sucked as a guy.
I haven't had a bike for 28 years or a car for 12 years. I have an OK job with long hours and rubbish wages,I've been single for 9 years and walk with a stick a lot of the time but wouldn't swap being a woman for anything I had before

[Beverly]

I didn't do this to be pretty.  I did this to be true to myself.  I just do the best I can with what I have left to work with, and I feel good about that.  F*** what anyone else thinks.  F*** male privilege.  F*** society.  I am the real me now and that's all that ever mattered.

I feel the same way myself. I would give a +1 if I could, but I cannot....

[eClare]

The question for me is what is the real illusion?  Is it an illusion that fully transitioning will make me happy, or is it that power and what money can buy will make me happy? There are risks that either one may be unsatisfying over time. So I guess the real question is what in me feels compelled to seek one or the other.

I am the consummate over-achiever who has grabbed all the brass rings. I bought into the illusion that this would be the source of my happiness. The quest for money and power has been for me an insatiable quest. Once I hit the next plateau, be it a position or possession, I am content for the moment. The contentment is short-lived. Then I feel I need more, I become increasingly competitive and cannot enjoy what I have achieved. I am constantly looking over my shoulder at what others have that might make the difference. Seen in this way, it's more an addiction that a source of happiness. And the time and effort is enormous and never ending.

The quest to resolve my dysphoria could also be based on jealousy. Perhaps I want to become what I envy in the woman I observe – a simpler and more gentle way of life. Perhaps my quest for money and power have been a distraction to quiet my gender dysphoria, and therefore resolving the dysphoria holds the key to my happiness.  Or maybe it's just one more quest to quiet the normal discomfort of being a human. I don't know, and that is why I am in therapy. All I do know is that the quest for money and power have not quieted my soul or made me happy.

[Just Shelly]

WOW! DO these photo's actually mean success!! Cool cars and attractive (half nude) women. Not a single pic grabbed my attention....though I only looked briefly in able to respond correctly to this thread.

Yes I do believe the U.S. is a very materialistic society....why else would Kim Kardashian even be on tv. I don't think its just directed toward gender though. One reason I am divorced is because my ex wanted to live beyond our means. She is now free to do that with her new husband, and it is easier for her since there is 2 incomes in there house. I know though the stripes on a tiger don't change!! She just recently bought a new vehicle, but the old one was only about 4 years old. Money and materialistic things for her and our children are high on the list. Our children's future and who they become as young adults is never considered.

This reminds me of part of a show I caught last night called celebrity wife swap. It was with the wives of David Justice and Dweezle Zappa. The materialistic attitudes of both men were completely opposite, but even more so for the wives. Sure Dweezle isn't as rich as Justice but what the Justices seen as needs were something almost anyone would see as gluttony or ignorance. The wife of Justice disgusted me thoroughly, one of the worst things she did was to give Dweezle Zappa's child a cell phone....she thought this it was unheard of for a 12 year old not to have a cell phone. It made her mother cry when she found out. What did she provide for her by letting her get a cell phone at such a young age?

I know darn well I would have a bit more things for myself and my children would be more spoiled if I had any money. But I know I would still base my decisions on my values and morals in life. I do make some purchases on myself that I don't need to do....but not too often....such as manicures, Pedi's and some clothing. I do need to do some of these to keep me feeling better about myself though. I am no good to my children if I am hating myself even more. When it comes to materialistic things (besides cloths) nothing really excites me. Just recently I returned a 32" flat screen tv I bought, I already have a small flat screen in kitchen and thought do I really need this one also. I decided to stick with the big boob tube in the living room!! The only regret I had was that I got such a good deal on it. Just like all my clothing....I never buy anything unless its not on clearance or from a thrift store, and my wardrobe is very a updated and an attractive one. One can still be thrifty and still look good!!