Unexpected triggers...

[Ms Grace]

So I'm watching a TV show this evening that has a few scenes with young teen girls, all friends, having some fairly standard teen girl bonding experiences. And wow, did that feel like a kick in the guts. I'm not saying that, had I been born a natal female, I would have had any of those experiences but then, of course, I didn't get to have any girlhood experiences. As a "boy" I pretty much actively avoided most boy bonding experiences and was never privy to girl groups and cliques...so yeah, lonely a lot of the time. I realise that the past is the past, there's no benefit in playing out wishing games, but those scenes just triggered something that I thought I'd moved on from. These little unexpected jabs and insults can just pop up out of nowhere, can't they?

[Alaia]

Yeah, this gets me every time too. I'm happy that I'm at least on the path to being my true self now, but it's certainly hard sometimes when I see young kids and am reminded of the girlhood I never had.

[immortal gypsy]

Understand you think everything is going fine that you are at peace with who you are and the road your traveling. Then BANG something comes out of the blue that sends you hiding under the bed for the next ten days. You can't prepare yourself for it because you don't even know it will come for you until it does,  all you can do is cope. Or grab Dopey hold back tears and curse yourself for reading this thread (my bad I read almost everyone)

[Nero]

Not the same at all, but sometimes those kinds of things make me sad as well. I never really had girlfriends (aside from one I had a crush on at 7). But probably unlike a lot of trans guys, I was really sad about it. Anyway, not remotely the same because obviously I did have other girlhood stuff.

But coincidentally, I was watching a movie yesterday and marveling at the close girl friendships. The most I had were a few acquaintances. But never was able to get close. Probably why I am the way I am with the ladies here - feels great to get close to women in that way.

[Rachel]

I too get hit hard sometimes. Young trans* who have a supportive family type videos, young girls having a ball just doing rime games and such.

I am gong to the Philadelphia Trans* Health Conference Thursday, Friday and Saturday and I will see a lot of young trans kids. I have been preparing for it mentally.

It has really helped me by making progress and discussing it at therapy. 

[Jill F]

The "SRS" light that goes on every time I turn on my Honda.

It mocks me, I swear.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

most of you would think that since Im 19 that kind of stuff wouldnt give me dysphoria
but they do...

unfortunately we didnt get to have a female puberty , nor the unique relationship between  girlfriends etc
I dont let it get  me down ,but its sad nonetheless

[HoneyStrums]

The must unexpected trigger, I find is when I notice an old photo of myself, And things really get me down then, why did society turn such a happy child into the depressed person I became. Really if I was never forced to hide myself, would I of been so miserable.

Only things that helps me with this is, remembering
that It still hurt all those years ago knowing I would never have a period, or be pregnant, or be a mom
(society didn't cause that but I would of definitely not felt ashamed to scream at my parents about it)
Maybe that's why I hate society so much, maybe if I hadn't felt so ashamed about being me, I would of been able to be me.
I would of lived the life of a girl that couldn't have those three things, Its that what gets to me, not the things I could never of had, but missing out on all the things I could have had. Because having all those things, would of made everything else easier to bare.

In a way, This makes me stronger, because I don't blame myself for my situation, society is the cause of it. and that is not my fault.

[stephaniec]

I was a little more lucky I had close female friends that saw me as a girl and I'm very greatful

[Jess42]

I mentioned it in another thread but Television is the one thing that makes me really dysphoric. Being out and about, oh yeah it's there but kind of like a low hum, it's there but isn't overpowering. But God when I watch TV it usually screams to the point that I just have to turn it off.

[big kim]

I thought I was the only one that this happened to.I was in the shopping centre when a girl about  7 came out of Build a Bear with her Mum dancing with joy.I was never that happy as a kid,not once

[Umiko]

i was majorly in the female cliques when i was growing up. though i was always forced to be with the guys, i always wiggled my way back to my female group. what causes my dysphoria is after i hit puberty, and my friends grew up, we starting splitting off, was forced in boy scouts and other male activities and they got active in cheerleading, soft ball and other female sports. it was a major kick because i bought pom poms but could never use them and a tutu because i wanted to go into ballet

[Jess42]

I thought I was the only one that this happened to.I was in the shopping centre when a girl about  7 came out of Build a Bear with her Mum dancing with joy.I was never that happy as a kid,not once

Yeah it kinda' sux having to be "Daddy's little man" instead of "Daddy's little girl".

[PoeticHeart]

Oh god, aren't these just the worst?

I have many of my own triggers, some I know about, others that punch me in the face out of no where. In terms of the girl bonding, I had one really close girl friend in high school. She understood me as 'gay' (which was how I identified at the time) and we had plenty of our own bonding experiences. However, we were just two outcasts that fell together and so we were all the other really ever had.

[Sydney_NYC]

The "SRS" light that goes on every time I turn on my Honda.

It mocks me, I swear.

Now I'm going to be thinking about that every time I start my CRV. 

[Megan Joanne]

Same for me, watching a movie (one example that pops to mind right away, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) or girls in real life, seeing them with friends, how happy they seem, getting along doing the things they enjoy together and while I smile, at the same time inside I'm upset that I never got those kind of experiences. What's stopping me now, right? I can't go back to those youthful times as a girl, but can create similar experiences now as a woman. But so many years of solitude make it far more challenging than typing up these words.

Two social examples that still hit me occasionally, that why couldn't I've been one of them...

Back when I was really young, elementary school still, there were times (only a few, since I gave up the idea of trying) that I had tried to wiggle my way into playing with the girls jumping roping or playing hopscotch together, but being a boy I was told I couldn't play with them, go away! I wandered off, by myself, head low, walking around with no one to talk to nor play with. Only times that was fine was when it was something that all the kids, girl and boy would be playing as a whole, but I was still a boy. I was excluded from playing with the girls only, and the boys when all together were too rowdy and rough, I didn't fit in either way.

There was one time also during those early years of my life when we'd (my father, brother and I) would go up to Massachusetts (we lived in Virginia) every Christmas for the big family get together, but at a time when all us cousins were getting older (I was the oldest, going into my teens by then), so not playing together as we had years before (not my choice, they all thought the games we used to play were too childish), things started becoming more adult-like (I wasn't ready to grow up), and I remember several of my girl cousins sitting on grandma's porch talking, girl stuff of coarse, and I sat down to listen, because for some reason it just interested me, they got up and walked away to continue without a boy eavesdropping. I felt alone, that was not a good year there for me as most of the time I just wandered around outside by myself.

[LizMarie]

These things stab at me occasionally too. Not every time, but randomly, out of the blue and BAM! It hits me. Thankfully these are becoming less over time but I've learned to not assume they will ever go away. It's healthy to not wallow in regret but I think it's natural to regret to some degree. We just need to consciously set aside that regret as soon as we can and not let it overwhelm us.

[Ravensong]

I've had it happen to me too.  It actually happens fairly often.  I'm pre-hrt and not out, and I work at a place where I see a lot female groups, like bachelorette parties and 21st birthday parties and the like.  It's like a gut check for me.

[Satinjoy]

I trigger all the time, when I see cis girls jog and wished I had that freedom and that body, with the TV set, in church, and each time I have to reground myself and remind myself that I have already arrived and am complete.  Or see a nice 70s style of clothes and want to find them for my full transition times.

But I trigger anyway regardless of my head.  It just works so much better now.

[Joan]

I've been teaching in women's college for years.

Every year I see girls come in, experiment with fashion and makeup, their successes and failures until they find a look (or not), hear their conversations, watch how they forge new friendships...It can get pretty disheartening at time as I long for that past that I never had.

One more place where I've lived by proxy

Still, I have from now to make up for it