Awkwardness Abounds

[Silver Centurion]

Hey Guys I have been working through acceptance for the past two weeks which isn't easy. I have some great support from my spouse and son and even my mother which is surprising but I'm kinda all over the place. It's like the blinders got ripped off and now I'm reflecting back on the past and really wishing I knew then what I know now. I'm mainly creating this post because talking with my mother is really odd. She was a big part of trying to make me more feminine and sometimes she pushed the issue too much. My story is a long one but lets just say she kept at me since I was about 4 years old all the way through high school about needing to be more feminine in general and for social reasons when it just wasn't me. I was really angry about being harped on all the time to be more of a girl and how I couldn't do the things I was interested in because it was for men only and eugh. I often thought that I got screwed by not being born male because if I had the right body all would be well and  behold happiness. I have never been comfortable socializing with women and my aversion to women's clothing/makeup is so bad that I either wind up feeling super blah or angry and if I am having to deal with both at once I feel beyond terrible. I just wish for time to move faster so I can be done with it and get back to being me basically.

So what's this post all about? Talking to my mom the past few weeks has been awkward at times because I have been trying to explain that I am FTM and I wasn't really getting that she was understanding what I was saying. I even tried to explain my confusion based on the fact that I got dubbed a tomboy and I just thought that meant a biologically born girl who likes to wear men's clothing and enjoys sports. I'm like mom do you realize that a tomboy can enjoy male clothing and sports and what not but they also enjoy dressing like a woman and have a feminine mind and desires? I never have been a tomboy I'm male trapped in a woman's body. Talking with her about all the things I remember and hoping she understood the difference and today it seems she finally got it but with the help of videos of transgender kids and a bit of online reading.

So I asked her point blank how she felt about me being FTM and she told me that all she really cares about is that I am happy and I have to do what will make me happy and that she loves me no matter what. I don't know how I feel about it. On the one hand I ought to be all woot that's cool but I'm not. I find myself wondering if she's just saying that you know? I'm also kinda meh that I went through all the years of crap and soul searching for answers to talk to her when I'm starting to figure it out and its videos that gets her to understand not my bearing my soul. I know it's going to take time to work through things not only between my mother and I but just for myself to figure out who I am now that I don't have to keep on carrying on the way I have been. Do you have any advice on how to talk to a parent and how to let go of the baggage? I've been scouring the internet hoping to find stories or really anything about how people figure out what's going to make them happy in regards to transitioning and I've not had much luck. Does anyone know of something along those lines that I can read? I know everyone has to find their own way I guess but flailing about not knowing how to figure it out is driving me crazy. I'm going to go to the FTM support group again this week if I can and I'd love to talk to a therapist about this but I have no insurance nor any money right now so I'm really in a crappy spot.

[Kreuzfidel]

Honestly, I really don't get what you're confused about/needing advice about, mate.   

Your mum already said the words that so many of us here wish our own mothers would have said.  She loves and accepts you for who you are and will support you however you need to be happy.

I think you're probably projecting your own worries and disbelief into the mix here.  You said you are a male trapped in a female body - well, are you sure?  I'm not entirely decided if what you're needing advice about here has to do with your relationship with your mum or your own feelings about being FTM.

[Silver Centurion]

I'm confused about a few things and I am sorry that my post caused confusion. Yeah, part of me recognizes the awesome of my mom saying what she said and I don't know why I feel kinda about it. I guess it has something to do with emotional things related to the past I haven't been able to deal with related to being FTM and it's hard to talk to my mom and she suddenly changes subject randomly rather than listen/talk about things. It's like she's trying to change the subject rather than talk about things which hurts. I hope that explained it a bit better.

As for being male I'm very sure that I am. Transitioning physically is very new to me. I wasn't aware of HRT or the surgeries or that there were others out there that felt the way I have since as far back as I can remember. My confusion is in how people figure out what will make them happy in regards to their physical body. I have read posts about HRT vs. no HRT or Op vs. Non Op and that there are people who don't know quite yet what they want to do and I'm among that group. It's like how have people figured out what is right for them? I was hoping to find something on the net where people talk about how they went about figuring it all out so that they could be totally happy but I haven't been able to find anything like that. My hope was that I could find something so I could understand how others had worked through their questions/feelings about the physical transition so I could ask myself the same questions. I hope I'm making some sense and I apologize if I am not.

[Kreuzfidel]

You've found such a place - it's right here 

There's a number of guys here who didn't know what they wanted to do straight away.  For some of us, we jumped onto the hormones/surgery bandwagon as soon as we knew we were able.  But others - for some it's not as easily decided.

What are you worries and concerns about physical transition? What do you know about the changes that happen with T and how important is the physical aspect for you personally?

[FTMDiaries]

This sort of turmoil is a normal - and healthy - part of the transitioning process. We all wind up re-evaluating our pasts through the lens of our new knowledge about our identities, which naturally causes us to question everything we thought we knew about ourselves. The only way to deal with your past baggage is to process it... and as you can see, your mind is currently processing it. So let the process run to its conclusion; it does get better.

As for figuring out how much transitioning you'd like to do... take your time, there's no rush. Look into the pros and cons of each of the treatments available, and think about how they'd make you feel. I knew immediately that hormones would be essential to ease my social dysphoria (because they have made it possible for people to read me as male) and so was top surgery, so that I could get rid of the ridiculous things on my chest that are the most obvious physical indicator of femaleness. It took me longer to decide what I want do do about bottom surgery, because that's a very complicated area. But we're all individuals, so it's entirely up to you how much (or how little) you want to do.

Unless I've missed the mark, it sounds to me like you're giving your mother a lot of power/influence over your life. She defined you as a tomboy, she tried to make you more feminine... and now that you're looking into transitioning, you're going back to her for approval again. She only did these things because that's the way she was raised; her generation had no idea that FtMs existed, and they were told that they could train their kids to be anything they wanted them to be. So if your daughter was too boyish (or your son too girlish) then as a responsible parent you were expected to train/punish/beat it out of them and if you didn't correct your children you were considered a failure as a parent. She thought she was doing the right thing, and society was on her side at the time. 

My advice to you? Concentrate on yourself and your immediate family (i.e. your spouse and son) first and foremost. Your family is supportive and your mother has given tacit approval anyway... so just do what you need to do. Try to let go of your need to seek your mother's approval; instead try to think of her approval as something that'd be nice to have, but not essential. Also, please try to forgive your mother for doing what she thought was best at the time. She didn't mean you any harm, and she was only doing what all the experts told her was the right thing to do. She's learning new things now so it'll take you both some time to adjust.

[sneakersjay]

Only you can decide which path is right for you: transition or not, HRT or not, surgery or not. That's what therapy is for!  There is no one right or wrong answer; This path has many meandering routes!

My mom was the same, but had questions, and throw religion and the way God made me into the mix, but at the end of the day, bottom line, I was her kid and she'd love and support me, though she really didnt' want me to 'do anything.'

I also just thought I was a tomboy and took me a long time (and education) to realize that no, my issue was that I am trans, not a tomboy.  Basically what you described about yourself describes me (women's clothes creeped me out, makeup eeww, and playing with cows and frogs and mud and climbing trees over barbies and baby dolls and dress up). 

For me, as soon as I knew transition was possible, I knew I needed to do it like YESTERDAY, LOL, and jumped off the cliff with both feet and never looked back.  Living the dream now!!!  As ME.

So take your time, and talk things out with a good therapist, and figure out what is right for YOU.  I was scared at first, because coming out and telling the whole world my private business was nearly paralyzing, but not nearly as paralyzing as having to live the rest of my life in a female-formed body that I hated and having to live as a gender that was NOT ME.


Jay

[Silver Centurion]

Kreuzfidel-
I am really glad my husband showed me this community and I'm thankful to have been able to speak with everyone here. It has really helped me figure out so much about myself.

The physical aspect hasn't been all that important to me so far. I knew right away that I would't want bottom surgery after reading I about what the options. Top surgery was something I was trying to sort out because I have never cared for my breasts but at the same time I'd be glad to be rid of them. The more I get comfortable with myself the more I realize that I'd be really interested in going through with the surgery if I had the money but if I don't I can deal with it for now. I'm kinda worried that if I go on T and start to become myself that having breasts will depress me.

T? When I read about HRT I was like really? What does it do? How does it work? That's really cool! I know that the voice can drop considerably and that there can be hair growth and changes to muscles/fat. That there's a little bit of growth down below and I've seen talk about periods stopping but also that they don't so that's confusing.

I'm not so sure that I'd be ready for T but the idea of having facial hair and a deeper voice appeals to me. I am worried about how my spouses family will be if I transition and I know I shouldn't be because I have to do what's best for me but its complicated. I'm also worried about going on T when I'm very overweight. I have been working on that for awhile now but I am a large person. My confidence has grown and I am happier than I was just by figuring out I am FTM and being able to talk to others about it. I'm wondering if I just jump in with both feet at least in regards to HRT that it might help my confidence grow further and my motivation will increase because I feel more like myself.

FTMDiaries-
That's what I feel like is happening with me. I had a moment where suddenly everything clicked and made sense but then it opened up a lot of questions and confusion and it's really left me all over the place mentally and emotionally. It's good to know that things do get better over time because its pretty overwhelming right now. Sometimes in a good way sometimes not.

Though I'm trying to process a lot of things I knew straight away after reading about bottom surgery that it wasn't for me. It's not that I wouldn't want a penis but the options that are out there right now don't sit well with me. Top surgery I'm not sure about because I've never really cared for my breasts but I also don't have the money to remove them either. T is a different thing altogether but I have been questioning how I'd feel if I could go on it.

Your points about my mother are amazing. I had never thought to look at it that way before. I came to realize that social issues are a huge problem for me but I didn't even realize what I was doing with my mom but you're totally right! I do need to learn to forgive her and not seek out her approval so much. It'll be something I work on and thanks for pointing that out

sneakersjay
It was so confusing yet eye opening to find out about FTM. THe confusion being I had thought I was a tomboy for so long and I wasn't. I am FTM. Whoa mind blown. I am very much like you! Girly things repulsed me and if I had to be more feminine I felt horrible about myself and constantly uncertain. I was definitely the playing in the mud, sports and climbing trees type. I love nature and animals and hanging out with guys.

I think it has been hard for me to sort myself out because on the one hand I've always dressed how I've dressed, behaved more masculine and being socially among men but on the other hand I'm kind of terrified of how extended family will react. I know I'm not ready to tell those that don't know yet because I know there will be questions and I'm not sure I will be able to answer them. Definitely will be trying to find a way to get to a therapist so they can help me work through things.

I really appreciate all of you for taking the time to help me and you have all helped me a great deal.

[Shodan]

Sweetie, don't worry about how my parents will react. It's going to be like with your mother, in that I'm their trans training wheels, and it'll be much easier for them to wrap their heads around it now that they've already done it once with me. Know that I love you unconditionally, and will support you with however far you decide to take your transition, whether it be all the way, or nowhere at all. 

[Bimmer Guy]

Hey, Silver.  You got a lot of GREAT advice here.

I read you say that you don't any insurance in order to get therapy.  Check out your local community mental health center.  They should be the ones who provide free mental health care.  If they aren't listed in your phone book, they may go by another name.  Call your Department of Social Services and they should be able to direct you.  Or see if there is a Mental Health Association in your area.  Some group should be able to direct you to the free mental health care.

When you call, to schedule, let them know that you are looking for a therapist who works with gender issues.  They may not have anyone who specifically does that, but knowing this is what you are looking for will help them consider who might be the best therapist match for you.

[Silver Centurion]

Hey, Silver.  You got a lot of GREAT advice here.

I read you say that you don't any insurance in order to get therapy.  Check out your local community mental health center.  They should be the ones who provide free mental health care.  If they aren't listed in your phone book, they may go by another name.  Call your Department of Social Services and they should be able to direct you.  Or see if there is a Mental Health Association in your area.  Some group should be able to direct you to the free mental health care.

When you call, to schedule, let them know that you are looking for a therapist who works with gender issues.  They may not have anyone who specifically does that, but knowing this is what you are looking for will help them consider who might be the best therapist match for you.

Hey Brett! Thanks for the information. I will try to look around in the area for something like that and see what I can find. There's an ftm meeting next Sunday here so I'm going to go to that and hang out and hopefully learn a bunch of things at the same time. Appreciate the help man!

[Bimmer Guy]

Hey Brett! Thanks for the information. I will try to look around in the area for something like that and see what I can find. There's an ftm meeting next Sunday here so I'm going to go to that and hang out and hopefully learn a bunch of things at the same time. Appreciate the help man!

No problem.  Definitely ask the guys at the meeting if they know of any therapists who will see people with no income or will do a sliding scale fee (sliding scale fee means that the therapist will take into account your salary and charge you based on that).