I need advice to help me not lose my "relationship" with my "sister"...

[Shana-chan]

So, other than 1 time, it's been 3 months since I've last spoken to my sister. 2 months ago was when we last spoke and, it ended in a fight, she said she wouldn't call me by my preferred name as she wasn't comfortable with it as she's always called me by my birth name and later during the call she insulted me/my work ethic and such and said if she'd ever tried to enforce names/pronouns on them like I was doing at such an early time of having been there then she'd have lost her job which in turn made me angry, and well, I hung up on her after some choice words and sent her an angry email afterword's. A week after that, after hearing nothing I sent her another, apologizing and explaining why I got so angry and then some, I gave her 1 full month to reply to it with an answer for me and in 2-3 days, that month will be up. Also, a week ago I even contacted her via email, a week sooner than I'd planned, the reason being, I had my wisdom teeth removed, this was an operation that while highly unlikely, the chance of death was still present, so, not wanting to leave things like they were, I sent her a lovely email, and waited day after day, ever getting closer to the operation, for her to reply via call, email etc. but nothing.. even now still nothing..

Before this, she seemed to accept me as her sister, I later saw she was pulling away from that by not calling me her sister and such.. still she saw me in my dress, and even with make up on, the make up was hard for her, nothing else was hard for her on the matter from what I could tell as well as what she herself told me. So, when she treated me like that on the phone 2 months ago, I felt betrayed and back stabbed by her, my own sister no less! I explained that to her in those emails..

Anyway, now that you know the situation, I am forced to make a tough decision as, in those emails I told her if she can't accept me for who I am fully then, as much as it hurts me (Which it really does), I'm sorry but we can't have a relationship. So, basically, in 2-3 days, I will more than likely be forced to call her or email her and tell her.. something.. the constant ignoring of my emails, calls and so on is, hurting me.. I don't get why she's doing this!?

Anyway, I need advice, what should I do? Should I call her, email her, should I use my female voice and pretend to be someone else? Perhaps maybe pretent I'm calling from a doc's office or something and let her know her "brother" (me) has passed away? Maybe even tell her someone found something on "his" computer which was a will and asked whoever found it to send her an email? Maybe iin the email I should say how hurt I am by her and so on? Honestly, the thought is amusing to me because, maybe, just MAYBE if she believes she's lost her sibling (Me) then MAYBE, if after some time has passed, I reach out to her again letting her know I was sorry for tricking her but, wanted her to see how important the here and now is, maybe just MAYBE, she'd stop treating me this way? Or maybe I should just email her, tell her how hurt I am and end it there.. since she clearly doesn't care about me anymore.

Really, advice please!?

[Shana-chan]

Are you insane? Why would you ever do that to someone?!

Who, me? Do what? Call, pretend I'm someone else and that their "brother" died? Me, insane? Are we not all insane on some level? HAHAHA! In all seriousness though, I'm not insane but, when a "family member" doesn't bother to call/check in on you in some form or another and you've tried reaching out to them, tell them hey, going under for an operation, would like to patch things up and they still don't bother to reply to you, now THAT'S insane! As to why? Hey, I don't know if you've ever doubted if someone loves you or not and have been through what I'm going through and if you've ever lost someone in your life (via death and other ways) like I have but, sometimes, for the greater good, you have to do things you don't like/want to do. Plus, I asked for advice, I was honest in asking if that is something I might should do? I guess I know where you stand on that but what I'm hoping for in this thread is REAL ADVICE here. Not someone just asking me if I'm insane and why would I do that to someone.

[LordKAT]

Your sister seems to have made her choice, don't contact her. Just let her go. If she contacts you, then decide how you want to deal with what she says, until then, let her go. She is not obligated to contact you and you are not obligated to contact her.

I've gone years even decades without family contacting me, it is OK. I live my life, they live theirs. Some I have reconnected with, some I have not, again, it is OK.

[Miharu Barbie]

If what you really want is to spoil any chance of ever having a relationship with your sister for the rest of your natural life, then definitely fake your own death.

If you hope to preserve any chance of ever reconciling with her and perhaps being close again someday, THEN DON'T DO IT!

I know that this is hard to hear, but we can't compel people we love to behave in a way that we think is right.  Sometimes all we can do is to leave the door to our heart open and hope that they decide to come in out of the cold.

Your sister is very likely hurting as bad as you are.  DO NOT compound her suffering with cruel pranks.  In the realm of bad ideas, that one ranks pretty high.  Hold your sister with love in your heart, send the occasional loving email if it makes you feel better, but know that she will come around in her own good time if she comes around at all.  Just love her and be patient with her.  She has her own pain to process in all of this.

H. Jackson Brown Jr. said, "Never underestimate your power to change yourself.  Never overestimate your power to change others."

Just love your sister and have some understanding for how hard this is for her.  She will let you know when she's ready to get back together with you. 

Be safe and keep your head about you.

[Edge]

Don't contact her at all.

[melanie maritz]

I don't think you're insane. I wonder sometimes if certain people would miss me if I died and stuff, but then again, maybe we're both insane .

I know it must hurt a lot for you that she isn't accepting you, but like the others have said, there isn't really anything you can do about that.

If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be

[imsuzi]

I have thought long and hard about how our transition affects family and friends, and I have tried to put myself in their place. We can be pretty naïve to expect that others will be OK with our decision. I believe it is extremely upsetting to most family and friends, even for those who respond as we had hoped.
It's my guess that your sister is grieving the loss of the brother she thought she knew, and perhaps feels angry and betrayed about a secret that you had kept from her. She may logically understand about transsexualism, but emotions can take a while to catch up with logic.
Most of us assumed certain facts from our earliest childhood and we felt safe in those assumptions. The sun rises in the morning, our parents will protect us from harm, males are male and females are female. We who transition have struggled for many years to accept and reconcile who we are, and yet we expect other to accept the new us out of respect - because it is right – and to affirm what we have struggled to affirm. Just as we needed time to work things through, so do they.

[Rachel]

Send her an e-mail on her birthday and on major holidays wishing her well and thinking of her.

She may never respond but she will know you care about her and if she wanted to contact you then you gave her an opportunity.

[Shana-chan]

A few things to note here

1. She already suspected I was trans years ago so this didn't really come as a surprise to her when I told her 2 or so years ago

2. I am not in the state of mind I guess I'll call it to leave a door open, they either accept me now or try too (try meaning they will, not try as in, hey I tried, sorry can't do it) or they can just leave me alone and I them as, apparently they aren't real family to me if they can't accept me for who and what I am and be respectful to me.

3. Given #2 here, I do not plan to email, send a card or ANYTHING to the person on holidays (No matter who they are) if they're going to treat me like how my sister has treated me or like anyone else who can't accept me and be respectful to me then they can leave me alone and I them..

4. I keep being told to leave her alone, not call/email etc. her so, perhaps I'll do just that, I don't know, I hate how this had to happen.

5. If you have any advice, please feel free to post it, no matter what it is and also, to those who said it, thank you. As well as to those who told me not to call and pretend I'm someone else and fake my own death. I won't do that so thanks.

[Eva Marie]

and well, I hung up on her after some choice words and sent her an angry email afterword's.

I'd say that this action is what drove her away.

At this point there is very little that you can do - the damage has been done. The best you can hope for now is that she will have a change of heart some day and will want to make contact once again. If I were you I'd back totally way from contacting her directly, give her space, and send her a card and not an email on her birthday and on any other special event in her life (anniversary, etc). Just say something short and uncomplicated like thinking of you and send it out. Don't expect anything back from her for quite a while, if ever.

By doing this you are subtly telling her that you care and want to stay in touch, but it's up to her to make that decision.

I had to take this approach with some family members and they eventually came back around. It took about 2.5 years to happen. If I hadn't made the attempt to stay in touch we would not have our current relationship now; it was worth my effort.

I wish you the best in all of this.

[imsuzi]

A few things to note here

1. She already suspected I was trans years ago so this didn't really come as a surprise to her when I told her 2 or so years ago

2. I am not in the state of mind I guess I'll call it to leave a door open, they either accept me now or try too (try meaning they will, not try as in, hey I tried, sorry can't do it) or they can just leave me alone and I them as, apparently they aren't real family to me if they can't accept me for who and what I am and be respectful to me.

3. Given #2 here, I do not plan to email, send a card or ANYTHING to the person on holidays (No matter who they are) if they're going to treat me like how my sister has treated me or like anyone else who can't accept me and be respectful to me then they can leave me alone and I them..

4. I keep being told to leave her alone, not call/email etc. her so, perhaps I'll do just that, I don't know, I hate how this had to happen.

5. If you have any advice, please feel free to post it, no matter what it is and also, to those who said it, thank you. As well as to those who told me not to call and pretend I'm someone else and fake my own death. I won't do that so thanks.

From what you've written, you sound pretty resentful at your sister. Based on items 2 and 3, it sounds like your mind is made up, and I don't understand why you want to continue to make contact with her. If you do make contact, I suspect your resentment will likely be evident and will drive you apart even more. Maybe you need some time and space to figure out just how much she means to you, and whether you are willing to better understand and accept her feelings and point of view.

[Megan Joanne]

I'm pretty sure my family was broken up because I came out as wanting to be a girl. My sister never took it well. Sure she had said many times over the years before that how she'd always wished she had a sister (afterall my brother and I had each other), but a sister to her I was not. I was her brother pretending to be a girl for attention, at least that's how she saw it. It took her quite some years before she started calling me Megan instead of Michael, she/her instead of he/him, but still there was always a lot of deep resentment towards me. Even so that one year, for Christmas, she had told mom that she could come over but didn't want me there. That hurt, but with my sister I expected it, but mom took it hard, yelling at my sister and throwing the phone. We didn't have anymore Christmas's together after that.

It all came out at the end, I knew it was me. Sure, the bullets were all shot at mom, but half of it was about me. But I didn't have a problem with it, not personally because so much as I tried to get close to her over the years, she made her feeling clear about me. I wanted so much to be sisters it hurt, but eventually I let her go. Even after she threw me and her mom out on the street, homeless and nowhere to go, mom still talks to her over the phone, but for me, because I can never connect with her, she is lost to me. But, if ever she were to have a complete change of heart, I don't know, but I do know this, as much as I hate the person she has become (so venomous and cold) there's still this small part within me that holds her close and...hell, now I did it, 'crying'...

Anyway, don't do anything spiteful, that'll just make matters worst, much worst, she'll hate you for sure. Just give her time, maybe eventually she'll come around when she misses you and perhaps then she'll accept you as you are now. But then, look at my sister...always ever jealous of me so much that mom can never speak about me to her otherwise their conversation which may be going good, takes a complete turnaround.

[ChelseaAnn]

I'm gonna agree with not faking your death. That'll make it worse when she finds out the truth. Big arguments like that take time to heal. As noted by other responses.
If she doesn't respond, that's on her. But you should remain neutral, not angry or forgiving, if she does call at any point. And for the sake of taking a step forward instead of back, do not say anything that has a chance to start another argument. Keep your voice calm.

[Megumi]

Here's what you do. Simply leave the door open for her to come back into your life at some point. Don't burn bridges, just let things evolve on their own timeline. That's what I'm doing with my sister at the moment. When I came out she was super supportive for about a day or two then 180 degreed and has very very very slowly come back around. It got to the point where I couldn't mention anything transition related and her epic explosions if my parents dared to call me by my preferred name whilst in her presence.
Last Friday we talked about me submitting the paperwork to my county court for my name change and I think reality of yes I'm moving forward and soon enough everything that once was your brother will not exist but the same person will still be there waiting for you with no strings attached or animosity from being ostracized for so long when she decides to come around. She still hates my guts for whatever personal reasons she justifies that hate with and I honestly care less. I don't rely on her for anything because we are both adults. It's her choice whether or not to socialize with me or allow me into her and her families life. I could easily have screwed her over as my name is legally attached to her house which helped her keep a roof over her and her child's head during a rough point in her life and to this day. I don't hold that over her head as some kind of you owe me so do as I say bs. That wouldn't be right to do. Basically treat her how you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed.

[luna nyan]

Shana,

I have to agree with Eva and Megumi's advice.  What was done and said two months ago hurt both you, and your sister deeply.  The best thing now is to give her distance, send her cards at appropriate occasions, wait, and keep the door open.

I've noticed that the family of people in transition can struggle.  Initial acceptance can turn into wariness, if not hostile opposition, and vice versa.  At the same time, we are desperately asserting ourselves and our new/true identity and are charging full steam ahead - causing us to be resolute and absolute bout how we are perceived and addressed by family.  A volatile combination that all too often ends in sundered relationships that only time may have a chanc of healing.

We need to remember that our families may need to grieve over the our old selves before they can come to accept us as we are.

[Shana-chan]

I believe you all need to know what happened, and no I've still not heard back from my sister..

I'd say that this action is what drove her away.

At this point there is very little that you can do - the damage has been done.

No, you misunderstand. I hung up on her after she told me to "shut up, I told you to let me go already." I was already mad at her and at that point, well, I don't think anyone can blame me for hanging up on her. I should also mention how she was the one who first threw the insults at ME and all over how I tried telling her, "this isn't going to come out right but you know me so, I'll give you this amount of time to start calling me by my preferred name." That's when the insults from her started, when SHE lost HER temper with ME! She insulted me, my work ethic and hell, my rights as a person by saying how what I was doing (Having people call me by the correct pronouns and name by going to HR) was wrong and how she'd have lost her job had she of done that after only having been there for 2 months. She had to PROVE herself and I hadn't. Umm, yea.. I may not of worked as long as she has at a particular job before coming out and going to HR but, I sure as hell worked my butt off and still do! And to insult my rights like that, PLUS my work ethic, well, perhaps now you all can see why I lost my temper with her after she lost hers with me and insulted me like that.

So, no, I'd say it wasn't the fact "I" hung up on her that drove her away, I'd say it was a combination of many things.

From what you've written, you sound pretty resentful at your sister. Based on items 2 and 3, it sounds like your mind is made up, and I don't understand why you want to continue to make contact with her. If you do make contact, I suspect your resentment will likely be evident and will drive you apart even more. Maybe you need some time and space to figure out just how much she means to you, and whether you are willing to better understand and accept her feelings and point of view.

I am. I love her but, how she's treated me, not calling to check up on me and not keeping in touch PLUS, never ever apologizing for the wrongs she's done me, well, it's sad but, I'm starting to hate her. I still love her, but, I can't help that a part of me hates her now because of what she's done to me. The longer "she" waits to contact me, the worse this hateful/resentful etc. feeling will get, till ultimately I don't care about her no more, hate her and won't consider her as my sister anymore. As for the here and now, I want contact with her because I still love her and wish to have a relationship with her but it takes two to make that work you know. Also, she either accepts me and treats me the way I wish to be treated or, no relationship and good bye. That is what I have said to her in my email to her that I sent her 2 months ago.

So, now that you have read this, can you still say, me not calling her/contacting her but just send her a mailed card on holidays is the best thing to do?

[Felix]

I would just get some distance if I were you. Everybody understands that, even angry people who don't accept or respect you. You don't have to make major decisions or give ultimatums, just disconnect from people who are unkind to you, and try to reconnect later if there's anything worth salvaging. You have a right to space.

Being related to somebody doesn't mean anything unless everyone involved agrees to make it mean something, and you can negotiate the terms when everyone is calm.

[jaybutterfly]

Who, me? Do what? Call, pretend I'm someone else and that their "brother" died? Me, insane? Are we not all insane on some level? HAHAHA! In all seriousness though, I'm not insane but, when a "family member" doesn't bother to call/check in on you in some form or another and you've tried reaching out to them, tell them hey, going under for an operation, would like to patch things up and they still don't bother to reply to you, now THAT'S insane! As to why? Hey, I don't know if you've ever doubted if someone loves you or not and have been through what I'm going through and if you've ever lost someone in your life (via death and other ways) like I have but, sometimes, for the greater good, you have to do things you don't like/want to do. Plus, I asked for advice, I was honest in asking if that is something I might should do? I guess I know where you stand on that but what I'm hoping for in this thread is REAL ADVICE here. Not someone just asking me if I'm insane and why would I do that to someone.

You need a time out. Using death and grief as tools like this will only bring you more misery. Not only that, but it is twisted and cruel. I'm disgusted by the immaturity but I'm concerned that you're on a path of self destruction.

What your sister is doing is not 'insane' she is just clearly struggling with this, and its understandable, common in fact. But you aren't giving her much time to adjust. Some people take years (I refer you to 'Losing Luke' if you want an example)

I suggest you just do the reasonable thing and let her come around or leave her be.

[Shana-chan]

You need a time out. Using death and grief as tools like this will only bring you more misery. Not only that, but it is twisted and cruel. I'm disgusted by the immaturity but I'm concerned that you're on a path of self destruction.

What your sister is doing is not 'insane' she is just clearly struggling with this, and its understandable, common in fact. But you aren't giving her much time to adjust. Some people take years (I refer you to 'Losing Luke' if you want an example)

I suggest you just do the reasonable thing and let her come around or leave her be.

You call it immaturity, I call it, really hurt and questioning if she cares about me. Anyway, in a later post, I realized I shouldn't do that and said I wouldn't. It's thanks to the people who said not to do that, that I decided not too.

[jaybutterfly]

You call it immaturity, I call it, really hurt and questioning if she cares about me. Anyway, in a later post, I realized I shouldn't do that and said I wouldn't. It's thanks to the people who said not to do that, that I decided not too.

Glad to see you've changed your mind, you'd risk running your own name through the mud and potentially traumatize your sister, which could turn any support you may have from relatives into resentment. It is an immature way to handle it, and just being hurt doesn't give anyone the right to lash out like that.

Leave her be, like other people are saying, at least you choose a moral high ground there, and that wil gain you nothing but respect