I don't know if anyone else feels like I do, and my other posts didn't get much attention, so I'll probably just waste as much time here, but nonetheless: I've been on T for nearly 8 months, and I feel absolutely no different. In fact, in many ways, T has made my dysphoria worse. I don't know if it's because of the sex drive increase, or what, but I've become way too obsessed with my goings on down there, and it just depresses me endless, and makes me really angry to know how easy cisguys have it in regard to just everything involved with that area. They don't have to use some rather useless piece of equipment to help them use the toilet properly. They don't need a harness when they have sex, their junk isn't made out of silicone or whatever. They can get an erection, and for the most part, they sure as hell don't cry every time they finish with easing their sexual frustration. Same thing for my chest, before I would just bind, and yeah it sucks, but I just never took it off and had no problems with never having to look at that crap much. I've always had problems with finding a binder that fits me and doesn't make me look triple the size I am, but it's even worse since I have started T. I don't have much going on there, and now T has pretty much redistributed it to my stomach areas, you can't really notice except for the sizing of my areolas and nipples, and the fact that they are lower than that of a cisguy's. I simply can't find a binder that actually does what I need it to, bind that part of my chest. I can't find one small enough. They all seem to, as well as making my chest look and feel bigger, make my hips stand out even more, which is just crap. I honestly don't feel like T has done anything for me, or ever will if it keeps going on like this. I still look the same, the only thing that's different is my voice, and maybe my face is more square, but that's pretty much it in terms of what other people see. And really at all, yeah, I've got more hair, but to me that's kind of a "whoop de doo", and it isn't much anyway. I've had virtually no growth down there either, and I know some guys claim to gain sensitivity, but I haven't. So I'm stuck with this insensate, not even half an inch when I'm aroused, excuse for a penis (Excuse the language, just that's how I feel, and see it). Unfortunately, I have no way besides touching to relieve myself of the ridiculous sex drive T has given me, which just makes me even more dysphoric, and at times suicidal and wondering why I even bother to wake up in the morning, because nothing really is ever going to be the way I need it to. I'll never have a cis penis, or even just any penis as far as I'm concerned, and it kills me. I've tried packing, I've tried using STPs, I have tried "strap ons". They all make me even more dysphoric, because they aren't even attached to me, and just a reminder that I have no penis. STPs have been useless, I have tried every way possible, and end up going on my leg or all over the floor. Packers just fall out of my underwear, regardless of the fact that most are "packing underwear" and I usually wear a harness as well. They've all collapsed, and ended up in awkward areas that make me look like I have a hard on, or that there's nothing there at all. None have lasted more than 3 months. I have tried using adhesive, only to get a massive rash in areas that just made me feel like complete crap. I've tried making my own harnesses. You name it, I have done it. It just doesn't cut it for me. Neither do the options in medical procedures in terms of bottom surgery, and I'll never be able to afford bottom surgery anyways, I am a pensioner that struggles not to starve most of the time. I may not even be able to get top surgery, if you saw my post on that, you'll know why. But I'm still taking T, because y'know, there's no other option for me. But I don't feel like I'm doing it for me, I never have. If it was for me, I'd feel better in some way or another. I just don't. And even giving myself the shot just reminds me how not cis I am, and I don't honestly think I need to go any further because I've probably made my point. Sorry for dragging on, and it's probably just a waste of my time, like my other posts. Thanks for reading if you did, and sorry if I offended anyone, it wasn't my intention. I just wish there was some way for me to feel better, and not just stare at blank walls knowing that what I'm doing just to live probably isn't even worth it in the end, and that it seems far easier for me to just end it all. Yeah, so.... Thanks again.
