So I've started coming out to close friends and dealing with what all needs to be done, but I occasionally have these strange flashes of near-panic. No, it's not anxiety so much, as I think the accretionary detritus of a lifetime's worth of learned suppressive behavior.
Basically I am starting to let go of the trained male behavior, but there's moments where the remnants of my internal behavior monitor hits me with a "OMGWTF ARE YOU DOING!?!" And I jerk like I was tased, before taking a breath and reminding myself that it is OK, I'm not trying to hide it any longer.
Any one else have that feeling? How long before it went away? I didn't really expect it, but it's also unreasonable to suppress this for so long and not expect to have fleeting moments like this IMO. I've had these occasional feelings before acceptance when I would slip, but I guess he hasn't gotten the message that he's now unemployed.
