So I've started coming out to close friends and dealing with what all needs to be done, but I occasionally have these strange flashes of near-panic. No, it's not anxiety so much, as I think the accretionary detritus of a lifetime's worth of learned suppressive behavior.

Basically I am starting to let go of the trained male behavior, but there's moments where the remnants of my internal behavior monitor hits me with a "OMGWTF ARE YOU DOING!?!" And I jerk like I was tased, before taking a breath and reminding myself that it is OK, I'm not trying to hide it any longer. 

Any one else have that feeling? How long before it went away? I didn't really expect it, but it's also unreasonable to suppress this for so long and not expect to have fleeting moments like this IMO. I've had these occasional feelings before acceptance when I would slip, but I guess he hasn't gotten the message that he's now unemployed. 

What you describe to me does not apply in transition related issues so much, but sounds more like my experience related to minor post traumatic stress disorder... Maybe the jerk would be accompanied by a weirdsound or singing a quike note (I like to sing) and a rush of mental images... There am a whacko but it's all OK ^^.

Oh, those are quite hard ones . Breathing might help indeed - I know that punching walls and headbutting other hard objects does not (dont ask me how I know...)
But it turned out that "my guy" wont get fired, so I just try to keep him in check and use for the sake of convenience. Sometimes he brakes out and runs around like a crazy, but he gets tired soon and that's when I can get him, lol .

Yeah, for me it's just a momentary shock...like my subconscious forgets for a sec that it's OK to do what I'm doing.

Quote from: ErinS on June 12, 2014, 03:28:51 PM
Yeah, for me it's just a momentary shock...like my subconscious forgets for a sec that it's OK to do what I'm doing.

+10000