For me, the impact of what was happening didn't hit me all at once. I started puberty at age 13, and things moved fairly slowly. I didn't really see the initial minor changes as being horribly negative, because I viewed it as just a necessary evil in the process of growing up. I assumed that on some level all boys must view their bodies somewhat negatively compared to a girl's body (because seriously, how could you not? ;P), so it never occurred to me that the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I would rather be going through a female puberty was anything abnormal. I also tended to misdirect a lot of the hatred I felt for my body onto my weight problems, while somehow glossing over the fact that I sort of knew I wouldn't have felt nearly as bad about my body if it was a female body that was overweight instead of a male one. I was not initially dysphoric about having male genitals, and the first time I masturbated I did actually enjoy it (and made it a point to do it more in the future). But even so, gradually things kept getting worse. While I had not initially had a lot of genital dysphoria, after learning about female anatomy in sexual education, I started to very strongly feel that I had been given the shaft (so to speak) with the equipment I was given, and I started to develop a very strong desire to have female sexual organs. Things like body hair and odor got worse over time, and started to further erode my sense of self-esteem. When my leg hair started to really become noticeable, I refused to wear shorts or go swimming, or anything else that would expose my body. I would wear hot and baggy clothing even on the hottest day of summer to keep my body hidden from public view. I almost entirely quit looking in the mirror, something I wasn't able to bring myself to do again until fairly recently. I started to become disconnected with my emotions, something that bothered my so much at the time it made me think I was developing some sort of severe mental disorder. I developed severe depression that I was not able to rationally explain. But despite talking to countless mental health professionals over the years, I kept my dysphoria a closely guarded secret because I was too ashamed and embarrassed of it to even want to discuss it. Eventually, I almost completely lost my desire to live, and I just started aimlessly drifting through life trying to focus on whatever I could to take my mind off of how horrible I felt. Going through a male puberty ended up being the single most horribly excruciating thing I have ever experienced in my life. It hurt me so much (and continues to hurt me), that I can barely even stomach typing this out without closing the page in disgust. I would do almost anything if I could go back in time and somehow prevent what happened to me. My only consolation is that it's finally over, and things are getting better, but the damage is done and I'll never completely get back all the things male puberty took from me.
