Really need advice, please reply

[needadvice]

Hello everyone. I apologize if I'm in the wrong section but I'm having a bit of a crisis and need to hear some thoughts on my situation. I also apologize for the probably incoherent post but please bear with me.


I feel like I've completely lost my mind, and it feels like my life is totally out of my control.

I'm 18, coming up on 19, and I've been on E and spiro for about 4 months now. I haven't really noticed many physical changes yet - my breasts hurt sometimes, but I haven't noticed any growth. I'm growing my hair out and don't act masculine, but I guess I'm still presenting as male. I've also noticed that my hairline is receding and I started on finasteride a few days ago.

My family does not accept me as a woman - and I'm not even sure I am one anymore. I know I'm not a man, but I don't really think I'm a woman either, but if I had to choose I would rather be perceived as a woman (I know about non-binary identities but I'm not sure if I'm up to the struggle of trying to explain that to so many ignorant people, at least for now).

Basically I want to get to the point of not being perceived as male - I guess what I'm really after is not being seen as masculine.

Back to my family: my mom says she sacrificed her whole life to make my life as good as possible (which is true). She says I'm throwing any chance at a decent life away if I "dress up like a girl" (which isn't even really what I'm interested in). Basically I wouldn't be welcome around here if I'm dressing as a woman. Unpleasant, but not really the end of the world since I kind of don't find the idea of women's clothing all that great (though I do really hate wearing men's clothing). I'm really hurt by the rejection, even if they're rejecting something that isn't totally me. I also know that anything I tell my parents isn't safe because last summer my mom told my dad that I was buying women's clothing (I was living with the delusion that I could go to college pre-everything and be stealth), and apparently my dad told my grandparents.

Come August I will be a sophomore in college. Sounds good right? I actually go to a good school too. Well, what I'm really worried about is finding a job if I don't conform to what a person assigned male at birth should do. I'm pretty academically smart and if I get myself together I could have a good shot at getting a secure job I think. But there's no way I could go to work every day for the rest of my life looking like a man, and being homeless, unemployed etc really really scares me. (As a sort of a side note here: I've been thinking about becoming a psychologist/social worker; does anyone have anything relevant to tell me about that sort of career? What it's like for trans people, etc). 

In the last 9 months, I've been hospitalized twice for suicide attempts. I've been on two antidepressants but I had such horrible side effects that I had to stop taking them. My mental state has been really bad lately - I really am not capable of much. I've just been doing a lot of online gaming all night, sleeping all day, that sort of horrible self-defeating cycle. I was gonna go to a 7-week intensive school program a few hours away, but there's no way I can handle that right now and I'm gonna withdraw. I really don't like leaving the house, because I don't want to go out and live with the knowledge that everyone is looking at me and thinking "guy". I have crippling anxiety attacks and hyperventilate almost every day, sometimes more than once per day. I cry 2-3 times per day. I also go through periods of intense depression where all I want to do is kill myself, but those seem to have been gone for a while, it's the anxiety that's worse now. Most days it's really hard to do anything and I use online gaming to escape from my own mind for a little while. I know I need to get back into therapy and I want to get that in motion today.

With all of this insanity in mind, I kind of want to stop E and spiro for a little bit, just to get my life back on track without doing something permanent that I'm not totally wanting. I want to continue fin because I really don't want to lose more hair.

Summary: 1. Kind of mtf but really would just want to not be a man.
               2. Minimal changes from hormones - want to stop E and spiro but continue fin to save hair.
               3. Very worried about employment future.
               4. Fairly mentally ill - depression, anxiety.

I know this post probably doesn't make much sense, but I feel better now, having written it. I still would really like to read some responses though - any advice, relevant information, anything really would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[Julia-Madrid]

Hello friend!

Your post makes perfect sense - you are totally lucid.

My immediate question is whether you are seeing a therapist.  This is a great help and a massively stabilising influence.  I've kinda been where you are, and I 250% reccomend it.  It will take a bit of time to stabilise with a good therapist, but you will get there.  If you don't have one, try find someone who has good transgender experience, and don't be scared to find another if you don't think there's a good connection after 3-4 sessions.  From what you say, weekly sessions could be good for you.

So, replying to your 4 summary points:

1.  It's perfectly fine to not want to be a man.  Simultaneously it's fine to not want to be a woman either. 

2.  Give hormones time if you want the effects that they are pretty likely to bring.  I strongly suggest that you treat your hair as a separate problem.

3.  Who says that trans people are condemned to crappy jobs?!  Or that you have to look like a man (or woman) to get a good one.  You've got the opportunity of a great education - grab it and do it!  Good employers value competence and intelligence over height and shoe size. 

4.  Please see a therapist - it will really help get your ship sailing true!

Any specific issues, feel free to message me.

Hugs
Julia

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

I met a person who doesn't want to identify as male or female. They're very nice, and so comfortable in their own skin. I'm a little jealous, actually. For the record that person is doing exactly what they want for a living, you're not condemned to the life as a second class citizen if that's the right path for you.

Everything Julia said is spot on. Please see a therapist. Killing yourself is the worst of all possible solutions.

You're not alone.
-Claire

[Cindy Stephens]

Older, married non transitioner here.  I live bi-modal and have been on hormones for about 8 years.  Lucky to have a wife who loves me because of who I am, not in spite of it.  I work in Construction management and make good money, as a guy.  I would fail as a woman, in this job.  Your fears of a carrear are at least partly justified, even though the world has changed dramatically since I was your age.
1st. get the degree!  just buck up and do it.  Read this board and any others for info on which careers seem more conducive to gender fluidity.  Nursing and computer programming are where I'd go if I was starting over.  It is possible today, unlike 30 years ago.  2nd the effects of hormones are slower and more subtle (I found) than what many posters seem to imply.  At your age, time is your friend.  Unfortunately, at your age you have less patience.  Successful transition is a long term process that requires a firm base.  let it happen on its' own time frame.  You have plenty of it, though you may not feel as if you do.  I hope you work it out, best wishes.

[Julia-Madrid]

  Nursing and computer programming are where I'd go if I was starting over.  It is possible today, unlike 30 years ago. 

Cindy has a good point here.  Nursing if your primary goal is care-giving; IT and computing if you want to make a bit more money.  For some reason the geekiness of the IT community seems to attract open-mindedness, maybe because we are always on-line and find a lot of weird stuff.  Or maybe because we work in a virtual world where people are not judged in quite the same way - how you look is just not important.

[Rachel]

I was fragile a year and a half ago with two suicide attempts. I have been going to therapy for
1.5 years and on hrt for 13 months. It took me a year to recover from my  fragile state. Hrt reduced my dysphoria to a livable condition.

I manage a department of 30 operating engineers and I am a professional engineer. I think I went into science because it was an escape. I studied a Lot and still do to this day. I also game.

I am a recovering alcoholic and user, clean and sober 16 years. When growing up I could not talk very well due to shuddering and had social anxiety. I had physical and sexual abuse growing up. I stood on bridges and on high rise roofs. Things never came easy for me and I had to really try and sometimes fail but I never gave up. I am often "not there" but someplace else in my mind. I have a fantastic fantasy mind which is one of my defenses.

It took me 50 years to finally say enough, I am who I am and I will be me. 50 years of hell to get there.

Point being therapy, hrt and Susan's helped me to figure out who I am and I knew it all along. I think that is what caused a lot of the pain.

I hope you can find who you are and enjoy your life. Hugs.