a bit of clarification - marriage & transition

[Releca]

Not sure if anyone is on this situation but I'm married no kids and been with my wife for several years before feeling comfortable enough to fully tell her about being trans. She had always noticed I have a very feminine personality but never really connected the dots. When I finally told her she started that it would end everything if I transitioned. So my question to the community is what are your options on options since I'm not sure I want to end my relationship but I want to be able to look in the mirror and feel happy about what is looking back at me. Well I know it's impossible to feel fully happy but more comfortable with what is stirring back at me.

Mod edit: I changed the title of your thread, might get more responses that way...Grace

[Ms Grace]

Hey Releca!

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Please check out the following links for general site info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Cheers

Grace

[Jessica Merriman]

I will say conditions set and compromise work, but very, very rarely. I lost a 16 year marriage myself due to conditions which were too restrictive to ease my symptoms. Sometimes there is just a no win scenario. Not trying to sound down, but realistic. On the one hand if you stay and do not get treated you risk forming a resentment against your SO for preventing your happiness. On the other the relationship ends and you are free to be the real you with no restrictions and can have a new life. There is a third option which is low dose HRT which might ease your symptoms, but with HRT you never can predict the physical changes it can make.

[stephaniec]

just to throw my 2 cents in, I agree with Jessica. I've never been married most likely because of my dysphoria so take what I say with a big helping of salt. The thing is that your saying you knew from the very beginning and didn't let on. To know your trans and waiting for the right time to tell , you must know the possible consequences from the start . This is a issue that is hard for SO to comprehend .I can't really help on this subject because it's never happened to me all I can say your wife needs to be understood as much as you want her to understand you.

[suzifrommd]

Not sure if anyone is on this situation but I'm married no kids and been with my wife for several years before feeling comfortable enough to fully tell her about being trans. She had always noticed I have a very feminine personality but never really connected the dots. When I finally told her she started that it would end everything if I transitioned. So my question to the community is what are your options on options since I'm not sure I want to end my relationship but I want to be able to look in the mirror and feel happy about what is looking back at me. Well I know it's impossible to feel fully happy but more comfortable with what is stirring back at me.

Mod edit: I changed the title of your thread, might get more responses that way...Grace

This is the saddest part of being trans.

In the end, it's your wife's choice. You need to be yourself. You know why. Now she needs to decide whether that marriage is for her. There's no way you can make her stay, or change her decision.

Many wives leave. But a lot of them stay. In the end it's always up to them.

[Releca]

Thank you for posting the rules. I was sure to read them before starting up. I have followed the forums for a bit before hand as well.

The biggest issue I am struggling with right now is I know how she feels about it and she has been more than well aware that I act very feminine and while it has caused some issues in the past now that I have come out and said this is it things have become quite a but more real and while I have known about this for a great many years it want uni
until recently that I found out how plausible it could be and I want to make it a reality but then again I worry about what I would lose since she has already said it I do it then we would be friends at best. 7 years is quite a lot to think about so I thought I would reach out to kindred souls and see how you did things.

[Cindy]

The one rule of this journey is that there are no rules.

Every journey is different and sadly some relationships don't survive. Some do.

All too often our needs - and they are very real, become overpowering. For a gender dysphoric person the need to combat that never goes away and only ever seems to increase.

There is a very effective course to 'treat' gender dysphoria. Therapy, hormones and surgery. Not everyone needs all of them.

But from a wife's point of view it is often and more usual than not, different. Your wife, maybe all of our wives married who they thought was a man. A man to be father to her children, a husband and companion to her.

Her desire may well have been to have a happy family life, the so called nuclear family. It is a very very common female desire. By marrying a transgender person that desire can be destroyed and she has no interest in a lesbian relationship. Even if initially accepting the public 'shame' (not sure that is a good word) of having a transgender husband is too much to bear. After all women are competitive and want their relationship to be better than that of  their friends.

How to resolve that? Talk, communication, hope. But also be realistic and prepared. As some of the women here have experienced 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'.

Unfortunately for many wives a transgender husband is a pretty major scorn.

[helen2010]

Releca

I think that your options will crystallise over time.   I think that a good gender therapist followed by a couple therapist will help you understand yourself and assist you both in working the issues and intense feelings that will increase quite dramatically in the short term.

If you and your wife agree, that if you are diagnosed as TG, and low dose hrt is prescribed, then this plus other androgenisation (hair removal, clothing etc) will take you to a much better place.   As you both experience this journey it should become quite clear to both of you if you desire a binary or non binary transition.   Your wife may be more comfortable with the latter but there are also quite a few examples of relationships that have survived a binary transition.

As Cindy says every relationship, situation and narrative differs.   You really don't know how it will play out.   However with respect, shared dreams, mutual commitment and honest communication you have a fighting chance.  If you take small steps you are also less likely to misstep from a relationship perspective.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Rachel]

Releca,

This is new to your wife and emotions can be volatile.

I agree with what others have said.

I told my wife February 2013 and that was a tough year. I eventually told her the procedures I wanted and desire to wear cloths at home as a compromise. She gave me an ultimatum, no procedures and cloths at home or divorce. Well I am on HRT so that is something. There is going to be an issue when I do laser and then electrolysis. I will see what goes then, I suspect me, perhaps not. I do resent her position yet understand her desires and needs.

My wife is worried about co-workers pity and her embarrassments (how could she not know question). Also, that my daughter will be subjected to being ostracized. 

Be prepared.

[Hikari]

The most important thing is for you to do what makes you happy. It might not seem so obvious, but if you are unhappy your relationship will likely suffer anyway. So if you pursue what makes you happy, while being open and honest the entire time, I think is the best path. This will allow the spouse to either come with on this journey or not, it isn't really going to be your decision. Few spouses stay for the journey of transition, and even few stay after as many will really want to stay but then learn they are no longer attracted to this new person.

[Eva Marie]

if you are unhappy your relationship will likely suffer anyway. So if you pursue what makes you happy, while being open and honest the entire time... This will allow the spouse to either come with on this journey or not, it isn't really going to be your decision

I agree with Hikari. The best thing you can do is be open and honest and hope for the best. You need to put you first and heal yourself so that you can be the best you possible.

The unfortunate truth is that your wife married a person that she sees as going away - she believes that you are breaking the deal between the two of you. Most marriages don't survive that; mine didn't. The fact that she has issued an ultimatum doesn't bode well. My wife did that too.

Your dysphoria will just keep getting worse and worse. My dysphoria got so bad I tried to drink myself to death.

In the end the dysphoria and drinking caused me to seek therapy and to eventually begin transitioning - and my wife left just as she said she would. It's a very common story here.

My life has greatly improved now that I am living more and more as the authentic me. I miss my wife but she didn't want to be in a lesbian relationship. I respect that.

My thoughts are with you as you travel this difficult road.

[Just Ole Me]

My wife and I have been together for 20 years and we are both now in our mid 40s with two college age daughters and a 3 year old son.  I told here about my GID very early on and she was accepting but I never did more than dress in private. As my GID got worse over the years I sought therapy to help which it did. About two years ago it came roaring back and I went back into therapy. This time I felt at early 40s I had to deal with this.  This time therapy led to HRT.  MY WIFE FREAKED!  She said she knew about this but never thought I would go so far as HRT.  Our marriage started to quickly fall apart.i thought it might be over as I could stop this time. But something amazing happened.........we started to talk....REALLY talk.and we both agreed to pray about our situation. The result is that she received any understanding for herself of GID and now she is very supportive and actually feel sorrow for all the pain I have had all through my life.  We have agreed that I would transition but do so stealth until I either go full time or if I am happy and comfortable for us to be two women together but me to present androgynous to the world then that's ok too.

The main issue is that we agreed we loved each other and that it won't be easy but thee is a middle ground we can both be happy somewhere and we are figuring out where that is together.   I'm on HRT, she treats me just like a woman and we have fallen into rolls that we are happy with.

So there is hope but I know I'm lucky.

[JoanneB]

My wife and I have been together for 30 years now. She always knew I was TG to some extent but not all that 'Thrilled' over it. In the beginning.... I needed my monthly or so escape from maleness by cross-dressing. TBH, by the time we got serious I had given up on 'My dream' and reluctantly settled for being a TV++ after two failed experiments. That denial combined with plenty of diversions and distractions (the 3 D's) worked in a way for me for a long time. That is until the excrement hit the air handler, yet again, for me.

I dropped the T-Bomb on her about 5 years ago now. Her initial reaction was not all that good. Over time things improved. Transition was not, and is still mostly not, on my RADAR. Nevertheless, it took a long time for her to get over the feelings of betrayal and being able to trust me again. Over time she also saw the results of the hard work and personal growth I've been undertaking.

'Getting By' now consists of my TG group meeting, therapist to help sort out things still since I have LOTS of baggage to unlearn, HRT which was my wife's suggestion several years into this process, and importantly being able to see myself as Joanne to some extent each and every day. Something my wife now is pretty comfortable with to even worried if she doesn't see her. (I'm known for my WTF am I doing??? meltdowns)

Overall, time, plenty of open and honest discussions, and baby steps can help in changing attitudes. Being honest also applies to oneself which is where my TG group and therapist helps. I make a great living having fun solving problems, yet I have been miserable at solving my own, often getting stuck in a bad rut or just plain not keeping an open mind or even seeing other options.

[Releca]

I definitely think that hormones are a good option for helping. I didn't know there was a smaller dose that could be taken. Most of what I have found says it's either do it or don't, there is no get line. I can understand the wtf moments about why can't you understand what this means to me. Some of my other trans friends feel the same way like one may be ending a childhood friendship because his friend still will only see him as a woman and another list an 8 year relationship with kids but they both tell me it's something that will happen it's just a matter of when. I've been reading these forums on and off for the last year or so and thought it was about time I asked the questions that were still bugging me. I have a mental health therapist for some other issues I've been having but she is not specialized in trans therapy and my local lbgt location is not responding back so I was wondering if anyone knew some place that would have listings for trans therapist in my area.

I'm getting to the point now that I want things to be better. I feel happy I can tell those close to me about being trans but want to cry all day because I'm not. I hate feeling like I'm smiling and holding back years of tears at the same time. Sometimes it feels like it's to much to handle and I want to feel whole again. Like before...where it didn't matter.

[Rachel]

Releca, I cried a lot when I finally accepted I needed to change. I hated to change and was living in a "just livable" life. When I could no longer just live I had to accept I needed to get help because  I hurt so much. Looking back I lived in a painful existence and help was available. Change is scary, the larger the change the larger the fear. I am so glad I took the steps. Life is much better yet there is so much change I still need to do. I think I have learned the change is a process and a long term project. Hugs.

[peky]

Option # 1 Never bring the issue up, forget about any kind of transition = marriage saved but wife will always be suspicious and will never forget that you said you are trans....

Option # 2 Go ahead with a slow transition and hope your wife will change her views and position... chances that this will happen, in my book, nil

Option # 3 Go ahead with a full fledge transition and do prepare for a nasty divorce... much pain but at the end you will emerge happy

While you may hear stories of marriages that survive transition with different degrees of transition and wife acceptance here and in other forums, the reality is that most marriages end up in a divorce...

[Releca]

While you may hear stories of marriages that survive transition with different degrees of transition and wife acceptance here and in other forums, the reality is that most marriages end up in a divorce...

I hear this story so many times that it would be impossible to ignore that truth anymore. At this point I'm not sure option 1 is an option for me. I know to much to want to go back. Option 2 would be option 3 either way. I've already discussed that point. My wife is calling it depression and thinks is I get on the right meds I will get better. That was a bad time to joke I know the right meds being estrogen.

Cynthia thank you for your support in that. I want to cry more than I do but I was raised with the men are made of iron emotions so it's still hard to get over it. Good in some situations but bad in most.

I also want to apologize to the community I had a bit of a breakdown on my last post. That was a bad day.

[peky]

being a scientist I tend to write short and succinct but make no mistake I feel your pain and anguish as I also lost my wife of some many years... there is no day that goes by without some remembrances...

Courage ! It gets better

[helen2010]

Releca

My only comment is if you expect the worst and prepare for the worst then you won't be disappointed.  If you plan for the best, and believe that there is the possibility for a rich relationship post transition, then you have a chance.  Then you have tried.  You will not die wondering.  Are you an optimist or a pessimist, an optimist or a 'realist'?  Language is very powerful, it will mould expectation and outcome.  Your choice.

Either path you choose will be a challenge, and both paths will provide a growth opportunity.

Safe travels

Aisla

[TessaMarie]

I admitted to myself in January 2013 that I was trans, & came out to my wife the same day.

She was not happy.  She is not & never has been in any way lesbian.  She wants a husband, not a wife.  She is still not happy about that, but we are still together.

I have been on HRT for a year.  My wife has noticed many, many positive changes in my emotional & mental wellbeing.  The biggest one being the complete evaporation of my depression a few days after I started Prometrium (early Feb 2014).

She is unhappy about the physical changes, but very happy about the mental & emotional changes.

The biggest single thing that has kept our marriage together:  We talk with one another.  We talk openly & honestly.  We listen to one another & show respect towards each other with actions, not just words.  She wants me back at my starting point.  I need to never go back there.  We each understand that about each other & we have been working hard to find a middle ground that we can both be OK with.

So far, things are working out for us.  We accept that that may not continue, but we are working hard towards trying to make sure that it does.

Hope something I have written helps you even a little bit.

Be well,

Tessa