I'm not ready... I'll never be ready..

[sad panda]

I was thinking about this when I went to see my new therapist...

Umh the waiting room was crowded and it was mostly kids. (I am going to a youth place now) but also some adults there with them.

I hate looking awkward so I always find something to do on my phone. But like, I always get this feeling that I'm supposed to interact with people cuz sometimes people do interact and I feel awkward just being buried in my phone, but I'm way too overstimulated at times like that to actually do anything. I mean it'll be so bad I can barely type things in my phone. I get sooo self-conscious, like I'm convinced that everyone has their eyes trained on me looking for the slightest clue that I'm really an awkward freak, and it makes me unable to function, every little thing gets overwhelming.

Well, that also makes me hypersensitive about my voice and appearance. My voice starts to sound more masculine to me than before (I still present as a girl, fwiw nobody has ever said anything about my voice and I always am gendered female over the phone) and I start worrying about it and controlling it too much. And my clothes start to feel wrong. I start adjusting and shuffling and fixing every little fold of clothing because I feel like I'm sitting wrong or something.

I just get very uncomfortable. Like I can't eat around people, I'll need to pat my lips with my napkin like after every bite and I'll be terrified that some ingredient is gonna fall out or something which actually makes me really clumsy.

Anyway yeah. This is all really confusing because I look to people like the last person that would ever have this problem and that makes me more afraid they'll realize I do. I mean on the day of my appointment, I looked like I just stepped off the cast of laguna beach or something. I looked ridiculously average. My appearance makes people assume I have no problems at all. They always assume I'm this nice, successful, smart, popular chick, and I feel like I'm trapped in that assumption. But the reality is soooo different. That makes it so much harder. I wanna dress like a freaky shut-in so people can expect that of me anyway.

I just always feel sooooooooooooooo fake and out of place. I think it's worse as a girl because guys are allowed to be aloof. I mean I'm not aloof, I'm actually intensely engaged in the situation, so much so that I am paralyzed by how afraid I am of messing anything up. So I don't act. So I look aloof. When I was living as a boy, I figured people expected that of me anyway. And it kinda helped. But as a girl, as a girl that lots of people say looks like an actress, how can I be aloof??? I look around and I mean, everyone is so at ease. Everyone is just kinda doing their thing. It's been sooo long since I could do that though, I mean, being hypervigilant you CANNOT just do your own thing. That's in the mode where if my boyfriend touches me even a little, I freak out automatically and shove him away.

Anyway I'm FREAKING OUT about going to school in the fall. I honestly don't think I can handle it. I do great with 1 on 1 conversations, again those are when people don't even think I have any problems in life, but in groups, it's just too much stimulation. And worrying about all these tiny things, worrying people will find out I'm trans, worrying people will think I'm weird and pay too much attention to me, or will be disappointed that I'm not like what I look like, with no safe way to exit, I'm just not feeling good about this. It just makes me so uncomfortable

Gah. What do I doo?? I've been to school a few times for sorting out paperwork and stuff and every time I was just incredibly uncomfortable and overstimulated. It's harder than when I went as a boy because since transitioning I feel alien and fake in a way I never did before. It's seriously so bad. I feel like someone dropped me in a famous singer's body and right then and there was like, "okay, it's the superbowl, you're on in 5." I mean not to that extent, but I feel that kind of disconnect between how I am and how I look and it drives me crazier than ever. It's different than how I used to just worry that people would judge something about me. Now I worry that people will discover I'm the worst, most repulsive person in the universe. I feel like I'm just trying to hide the fact that my existence is offensive. Idk why.  But it's not an option to detransition yet.

Most days I feel like the only way I can be at peace is to not know anyone or be known by anyone. But I desperately want those things, to know people and live my life. I don't WANT to be a loner at all but it feels like it's all I can handle. I just wish I could do it with a different brain. I hate my stupid brain, it messes up everything. Most trans women would give anything to look this way, actually lots of cis girls would too, but it's wasted on me. A successful transition is so wasted on me cuz I don't have the skills to live life and be an adult. I just wanna disappear. I want to become an unapproachable little ghostly boy sitting in a corner with scars all down his wrist and his hair in his face. I want to look utterly broken like I am. I wish everyone could see that there's really just a scared, ruined child inside of me and accept that that's why it's hard. I'm trying so hard to act like an adult when I feel like a child. I can't maintain this illusion of being an adult but I have to. It's such a never-ending chore. but more and more it feels like the only options are to push everyone in my life away and stay closed off, or to actually kill myself one day.

[LivingTheDream]

You said you were thinking about all this when you went to see your therapist, did you mention any of this to them?

I can relate to a lot of the social things that you mentioned as well.

I do the phone thing as well. I am always on my phone before appointments but I also will pull it out and act like I am on it or doing something on it whenever I am doing something new and unfamiliar and also whenever I just feel uncomfortable. I guess I sort of do it to hide for a bit and just slow things down to hopefully calm myself.

I don't like to eat around others but for different reasons that you. I have bad teeth atm and don't bite into things cause I am scared of damaging them worse. I am totally uncomfortable eating around others because of it, because I either cut things up before I eat it or use my hands to pull stuff apart and it makes me so self conscious. Like, I will wait until they are looking away before I will eat.

1 on 1 convo's I think I do ok with, tho I do keep a lot hidden still, but in groups, even groups of people I know or are friends with or familiar with, I am basically invisible I feel. Like, I rarely talk much in those situations and when I do it almost always seems to be missed or ignored so I just back away from them usually, stand by myself.

As for the school thing, what kind of school are you going to? Big one, small one?

I am always really nervous especially the first few classes of a new semester. I will like check my schedule a million times and check the classroom number the same over and over to make sure it is the right one. After awhile, I can finally walk into the class and grab a nearby seat. When class starts, I basically just look at and listen to the professor, so maybe that could work for you? I do ok doing that; I fear and hate doing group work, presentations, having to speak in class out loud for like answers and questions and such, hate classes like that that you have to do a lot of that in. But ya, I am afraid to talk and say the wrong thing and look stupid and stuff, actually had a traumatic experience because of that in my last class, but generally I can do it, just not comfortably. 

[ativan]

I'm like that, all of it. I do the same things, but when I catch myself doing that, I stop it.
I learned to speak in front of groups of my peers, who had much better educations than I did.
I don't think using the same kinds of words as they do, so I found it very hard to talk that way as well.
One day, behind that damn podium, I just decided to tell them just that.
I walked out in front of the podium and took my hands out of my pockets and just became animated like I usually am.
Now they started to pay attention to what I had to say, because parts of it depended on how I was using my arms, hands, my body to explain my work.
I felt overwelmed the first few times until someone mentioned later that it was always fun to watch and listen to me.
They told me they understood it much better than the speach of looking down at my notes. I waved them around and threw them down when I was done with them.
Point made and on to the next. It took practice, lots of doing it before I felt comfortable.
But I did it the way I think and move, so it was more natural and it was recieved really well.

After that place, I took a job in high end sales, not the easiest thing to do for a basically introverted person.
I learned by practice to hold and guide a conversation. It took time, lots of it.
But the confidence it built up carried me through a lot of times just in public in general.
Somebody joked that I can part a craowd when I want to walk through it... I guess I do sometimes.
I also learned the knack for a non-stop dialague that will shut up those who confront me.
Scares the crap out of me still. But it's a practiced thing, learned over time.
It's been a lot of years and it just comes naturally to me now. But I still get scared at times.
The practice pays off, just step forward and try. It isn't as hard as you may think.
Those people have no idea about me, and now I will talk about myself and be myself in front of most anyone.
It's difficult at first, but to take those first steps and move into it pays off in no time.
Now it's hard to shut me up... 
Engage in conversations, it's a start. Turn off the crutch and learn to talk to people.
Most of them feel the same way. Sometimes it's hard to get them to speak up and talk.
Ativan

[sad panda]

You said you were thinking about all this when you went to see your therapist, did you mention any of this to them?

I can relate to a lot of the social things that you mentioned as well.

I do the phone thing as well. I am always on my phone before appointments but I also will pull it out and act like I am on it or doing something on it whenever I am doing something new and unfamiliar and also whenever I just feel uncomfortable. I guess I sort of do it to hide for a bit and just slow things down to hopefully calm myself.

I don't like to eat around others but for different reasons that you. I have bad teeth atm and don't bite into things cause I am scared of damaging them worse. I am totally uncomfortable eating around others because of it, because I either cut things up before I eat it or use my hands to pull stuff apart and it makes me so self conscious. Like, I will wait until they are looking away before I will eat.

1 on 1 convo's I think I do ok with, tho I do keep a lot hidden still, but in groups, even groups of people I know or are friends with or familiar with, I am basically invisible I feel. Like, I rarely talk much in those situations and when I do it almost always seems to be missed or ignored so I just back away from them usually, stand by myself.

As for the school thing, what kind of school are you going to? Big one, small one?

I am always really nervous especially the first few classes of a new semester. I will like check my schedule a million times and check the classroom number the same over and over to make sure it is the right one. After awhile, I can finally walk into the class and grab a nearby seat. When class starts, I basically just look at and listen to the professor, so maybe that could work for you? I do ok doing that; I fear and hate doing group work, presentations, having to speak in class out loud for like answers and questions and such, hate classes like that that you have to do a lot of that in. But ya, I am afraid to talk and say the wrong thing and look stupid and stuff, actually had a traumatic experience because of that in my last class, but generally I can do it, just not comfortably.

I told that therapist and she understood but it was our 1st appt. Also she was probably misled by how relaxed I seem once it became a 1 on 1 conversation and again, by how I look. I just don't know if I'm gonna make enough progress with this before school starts. Idk what to do. It's not just being a little nervous, I get so overwhelmed that I cannot function on a basic level until I leave that environment. Like, I'll barely be able to hold my eyes open, think, or make a simple hand movement. If it's esp bad my entire core will shake. How am I supposed to do chem or bio lab like that? Yes, I was able to get over this as a guy. But it's soooo much worse as a girl. Idk why. Like, one time that I just powered thru this, out to eat for dinner with my fiance, I dropped my fork on the floor, I got an oil stain on my shirt, I almost knocked over my drink, I suddenly started sweating, and I ended up ruining our conversation and the whole night because I was so agitated and uncomfortable. And that's doing something I'm relatively comfortable with, we go out to eat all the time. So how's it gonna be at school??

I'm like that, all of it. I do the same things, but when I catch myself doing that, I stop it.
I learned to speak in front of groups of my peers, who had much better educations than I did.
I don't think using the same kinds of words as they do, so I found it very hard to talk that way as well.
One day, behind that damn podium, I just decided to tell them just that.
I walked out in front of the podium and took my hands out of my pockets and just became animated like I usually am.
Now they started to pay attention to what I had to say, because parts of it depended on how I was using my arms, hands, my body to explain my work.
I felt overwelmed the first few times until someone mentioned later that it was always fun to watch and listen to me.
They told me they understood it much better than the speach of looking down at my notes. I waved them around and threw them down when I was done with them.
Point made and on to the next. It took practice, lots of doing it before I felt comfortable.
But I did it the way I think and move, so it was more natural and it was recieved really well.

After that place, I took a job in high end sales, not the easiest thing to do for a basically introverted person.
I learned by practice to hold and guide a conversation. It took time, lots of it.
But the confidence it built up carried me through a lot of times just in public in general.
Somebody joked that I can part a craowd when I want to walk through it... I guess I do sometimes.
I also learned the knack for a non-stop dialague that will shut up those who confront me.
Scares the crap out of me still. But it's a practiced thing, learned over time.
It's been a lot of years and it just comes naturally to me now. But I still get scared at times.
The practice pays off, just step forward and try. It isn't as hard as you may think.
Those people have no idea about me, and now I will talk about myself and be myself in front of most anyone.
It's difficult at first, but to take those first steps and move into it pays off in no time.
Now it's hard to shut me up... 
Engage in conversations, it's a start. Turn off the crutch and learn to talk to people.
Most of them feel the same way. Sometimes it's hard to get them to speak up and talk.
Ativan

Thanks though this isn't something I can stop when I notice it. It's like losing control of your body and mind. I suffered with it to a more manageable extent as a boy, because I wasn't actually THAT afraid of being known by people. But as a girl, I literally do not want anyone to know me, I don't want anyone to get close to me or pay attention to me. Because I feel that if they do they will think I'm weird and disgusting and they will hate me. Also, because all the expectations of me that they formed from my appearance will be wrong. So I feel like a prisoner.

It's not that I don't know what to say or how, it's that I'm so terrified and panicky that I can't say it.

I'm glad you found what works for you though. I haven't been able to keep any commitments as a girl because I never feel comfortable with who I am. Actually I feel afraid of who I am and especially afraid of people finding that out.

[ativan]

I do keep Ativan and Klonopin with me at all times.
*It was the need for a name right here on this forum that started the whole Ativan Prescribed name thing...
I have difficulty just looking when someone comments after me sometimes.
I know that 'can't stop it' feeling very well.
It's easier now than it used to be, it was hell when I was a teen.
My defense became anger and confrontation, a constant rage on top of being just scared.
There are still certain circumstances that I don't do well in at all.
But overall, it just took time to get to where I can be comfortable, at least reasonably, most of the time.
The Ativan and Klonopin are a must for those times I can see coming.
I'm afraid of people finding me out as well. I would much rather that I told them myself and I do when anyone asks.
I still have that odd advantage, that privilege, that society allows a male looking person to have.
But the other side of me is always there and has learned to share that.
Ativan

[sad panda]

Yeah I have been meaning to ask about some actual anxiety meds but  haven't found a good psych yet. I think I might need them. I'm trying to take gaba to see if that will help at all  I think it has so far,  though when I'm calm I mostly just feel dead inside and don't really want to engage with the world even if I want to want to.  It was the same way on wellbutrin, I didn't even want to get out of bed to shop. I  have this creeping sense that the ability to be a real person has just already passed me by. The thing is that I don't really have a personality soooo...

edit: sorry hit post early

Anyway yeah I don't know. I feel dead a lot of the time. I feel like I'm missing something that ties a person together. TBH I act mostly like a girl but I don't think I have a female brain. Even the most aloof female has more personality and genuine humanity than me. But I do have a female body, I don't know what to do about it. I can't even present as a boy right now, and this time around, transition would actually be a transition. I would struggle with a lot of discrimination trying to present as a boy and I'm just not ready to do that, but I feel so stuck as a girl too.

Like we went out to get food a bit ago, actually just got back, and I was calm, but I didn't have anything to say and I couldn't get into anything. Idk, I don't really want anything anymore. I feel like this life is fake and that makes it meaningless. It's no wonder I get anxious when I pretend I'm a normal person. Cuz I can see this internal dearth of humanity. I'm always mimicking other people to try to seem real. I'm terrified they will realize that I'm fake. I just don't wanna know people, I don't wanna assert my identity, I don't even want to figure it out most of the time anymore. It's all work and no fun.

But I know it takes time to get calm. I've gone through that process before, just, somehow this time it feels different. Before it felt so straightforward, I just had to push past the fears and panic, but now it feels impossible, cuz I don't even know what I'm pushing for, and I can't push when I constantly feel that I'm living a lie. I'm so sorry I'm being so hopeless here.

[Nicolette]

Have you tried reading any books by the author Elaine N. Aron? You may already know of her. Anything she writes resonate with you? This page may be of interest: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm. If it piques your interest, then you may in fact be more normal than you think you are. And if you were able to mind read, you'd discover that you're actually surrounded by people like yourself..

[sad panda]

I seem a lot like a HSP but I don't think that's what I am. HSPs are that way from birth. I actually only became this sensitive after my long period of isolation. As a child I was the exact opposite of all this. I was bubbly and energetic, always outside, always talking to people and socializing, always having fun, nothing ever felt too stimulating. And it's more about specific types of stimulation. I may be a type of HSP but my issues are definitely not ones that everyone has. At least not in an overall sense, i know lots of people struggle with anxiety or overstimulation/feelings of awkwardness. Unfortunately I think a lot of this is complex PTSD and I don't know how you're supposed to fix a person who developed to be a slave with no personality who gets uncomfortable having to act like a human being.  :/

[Bombadil]

cPTSD takes a lot of time to get over. I hope you can find a good psych because meds can help. And therapy helps to. And for some neurofeedback can help.

you do have a personality. it got lost or buried but it's there. The trick is finding it and trusting that it's yours. what happens if you don't go to school in the fall?

[sad panda]

cPTSD takes a lot of time to get over. I hope you can find a good psych because meds can help. And therapy helps to. And for some neurofeedback can help.

you do have a personality. it got lost or buried but it's there. The trick is finding it and trusting that it's yours. what happens if you don't go to school in the fall?

Thanks. Well, I'll still be stuck in this isolated state, but maybe I'm ok with that. Also I'll feel like I'm ruining my dad's life cuz he'll have a weird daughter. And my whole family will judge me a lot. I just wish my family could forget I exist.

[Jessica Merriman]

Thanks. Well, I'll still be stuck in this isolated state, but maybe I'm ok with that. Also I'll feel like I'm ruining my dad's life cuz he'll have a weird daughter. And my whole family will judge me a lot. I just wish my family could forget I exist.

You really need to stop worrying about everyone's perceptions of you and focus on you and YOUR life. You do not have to assimilate and be unhappy. You do not have to be what others want you to be. You simply owe no one anything and owe yourself everything. You have to decide your happiness and let the chips fall. You will be far more respected for standing your ground than going along with the status quo. 

[Jess42]

Sad panda. You don't owe anybody anything let alone an explaination of who you are. You are who you are and if someone is sooo freakin' worried about that, to Hades with them. Be you with no apologies or no regerets.

Thanks. Well, I'll still be stuck in this isolated state, but maybe I'm ok with that. Also I'll feel like I'm ruining my dad's life cuz he'll have a weird daughter. And my whole family will judge me a lot. I just wish my family could forget I exist.

Wow, just freakin' WOW. I have always been the weird one in my family. Yes I am the blacksheep and the odd one out and whatever else you may call me. Ask me if I care. You and only you have to live your life. Not your dad or your mom or brothers or sisters or uncle or aunt whatstheirname. Just you. And you have to be happy with you, not anyone else. You cannot by any means make everyone happy but you do have he control over your own happiness and that is the most important thing to you.

BTW family isn't just the ones you are born to and kin to. Family is the people that respect you, love you unconditionally and accept you no matter what. Whether there is geneology involved or not.

BTW you exist. Here and everywhere else and you are important and need to remember that.

[luna nyan]

Thanks. Well, I'll still be stuck in this isolated state, but maybe I'm ok with that. Also I'll feel like I'm ruining my dad's life cuz he'll have a weird daughter. And my whole family will judge me a lot. I just wish my family could forget I exist.

Forget them.  My family is dysfunctional as hell and I've had to learn the hard way there's no pleasing everyone, and there's no pleasing some.  If your dad is supportive and in your corner, then consider yourself very blessed.

Live your life well, and don't give a hoot about the close minded opinions of others.

I do feel for you and your confidence issues.  People make mistakes all the time - it is how you learn to be better - look at them as opportunities rather than a failure.  You're blessed in appearance, seize the opportunities that you have now!

[~Kaiden]

Hi, Sad Panda.

I can identify with a lot of what you're saying.  I do the same thing in waiting rooms too, though usually I'll just reach for a magazine and try to act casual and pretend I'm not shaking .  I do it more just to have something to do instead of sit there awkwardly than because I actually want to read.  I tend to try to avoid other people's gazes.  Although I don't really feel like people stare at me, I tend to think I'm pretty boring looking. xD  But it always makes me kind of uncomfortable when I find someone is looking at me, because I can't help but wonder what they think of me.  I try to tell myself it doesn't matter and I shouldn't worry about it so much, and that most of these people probably have a lot better things to think about, but it's still hard not to do.

It has gotten a lot better than it used to be though.  I used to be a lot like you as far as the identity issues go as well.  It wasn't until I came out to myself that I had started to get a better grasp of who I am, but I still struggle with it at times.  For a long time I felt like I didn't have a personality as well, and as a result was the most boring person in the world.  That's gotten better too, but I still worry sometimes that I annoy people with how shy I am.   I used to mimic people a lot.  I would act differently depending on who I was hanging out with, try to act more like them, so I would fit in better I guess.  I'd also act towards people the way I thought they wanted or expected me to act, instead of just being myself.  I felt like I had to fit into people's expectations of me and was afraid of letting people down.  Now I realize that's really kind of silly, because you can never know what people really think of you.  But I didn't have an identity to assert back then.  I still pick up on things other people do here and there, but we all do that, so there's nothing abnormal about it.  Now I just try to relax and do and say what I feel like without worrying about it too much.  That's something I'm still working on too, but I'm a lot better at it now than I used to be.

Over-stimulation is a big issue for me as well.  It happens to me very easily it seems.  Whenever there's a lot going on, especially if I have to talk to a lot of people, I can get really overwhelmed.  I wind up wanting to just stay in my room where I can be by myself in silence with nothing going on.  Sometimes I have days where I wished I could just move out into the woods away from human beings just so I didn't have to deal with the anxiety, but I don't want to do that.  I'm the same way, I don't want to be a loner, but sometimes it feels like I'm doomed to be one because I can't handle people.  I only have a small circle of friends and family that I actually feel comfortable talking to, but even so, there are some days I just don't want to talk to anyone at all.

Sometimes it seems like a part of me does feel like there's something innately wrong with my very existence.  It's not a good feeling, I know.  This mode of thinking used to be a the very forefront in my mind, but over the past year or so, I've managed to curve myself away from that kind of inner dialogue, but it still creeps up now and then. 

I know it's not easy, and at times it seems downright impossible, but you can get away from this mode of thought by consciously working to change your thought process.  Your therapist should be able to tell you more about how to do that. 

But above all else, you need to know that there is nothing wrong with you, Sad Panda.   I know it can be hard to believe, because I know where you're coming from, but it's absolutely true.  You have every right to be in this world as anyone else does, as well as to be and act and look any way you want to.  Everyone you come across will have a different view of you, and you won't have any idea what it is, so just concentrate on being the person YOU want to be, in the way that makes YOU feel relaxed and comfortable and happy.  Don't get me wrong, I know it will take some work to get to that place and it's not as instant as just saying it, but I know you can do it.   Just try to have confidence, and keep telling yourself you are worthy and you are enough.  You are not repulsive or horrible, and your existence is most definitely not offensive.  I'm sure anyone who knows and cares about you will tell you you bring a lot of good into the world, and theirs wouldn't be the same without you.

You will figure things out, just give yourself some time and permission to do what's best for yourself. You deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else does.