for the early transitioner how big is the fear of presenting yourself in public

[LizMarie]

For a while i was scared ->-bleeped-<-less. I remember sitting in my car for like an hour just to work up the courage to walk across a parking lot lol. You sorta have to get to a point where you just don't care what people think and the only way to do that is jump straight into the fire.

Agreed. Not quite my situation but definitely, I agree. The first few times were traumatic for me, but I've done many other things in my life by just forcing myself through it so I did this too. And once I had, I realized that most people were seeing the woman that I am. It's become easier over time and now I'm at the point where I don't care.

[Allyda]

Like others, I was scared s***less the first time I went out dressed in public.

And over time they got more and more consistent, until it wasn't even a matter of "going out dressed" anymore, it was just living life. And that's basically all I'm doing now. I'm not going out shopping in "girl mode" anymore, I'm just going shopping. That was when the nerves and the jitters basically completely stopped, when there ceased being a "guy mode" or a "girl mode" anymore, and I basically reached the point where I was a girl whether I wanted to be one or not.

Around 5 years ago this ^^_____^^ is me. What's worse, the semi-attractive face y'all see in my avatar wasn't the face I wore back then. it was much more angular and I had a lot more chin, and a way bigger nose. However despite these flaws prolly due to my body shape, I could no longer pass for male anymore. The only difference with me was, I didn't slowly move from Andro clothing to female clothing. Again, due to my body shape, women's clothes always fit me better than men's did, Soooooo, I went all out and threw out, or gave away all my male clothing replacing it with a female wardrobe. Luckily I already had a few women's outfits at the time.

So the next day I went out as me. And I too was scared S***less! I had just bought my current home and was in the process of moving in -new neighborhood, new people, however, it wasn't too far from Brooksville where I was moving from. Yes, I did the sitting in my truck thing for about ten minutes in a Lowes parking lot scared to go in. Then I finally talked myself into going in, grabbed my purse and went about my business not speaking to no one in fear of outing myself. From that day on, as time passed the nervousness subsided and 6 months later there wasn't any special thing to going out, or going shopping. I was just another girl doing her thing. Though I was passing without effort even despite my scratchy voice, I didn't get the friendly attention like I do now. Which I attribute to hrt softening and feminizing my facial features considerably. And prolly also due to my having more boob's than I did at first, lol! Now, things only seem to get better as time goes by.

Allie

[awilliams1701]

Last night I was starting laundry in full girl mode and realized the curtain to the back door was open. I was about to drop the Laundry and close it and said screw it instead. I left it open the rest of the night. I walked by it and even directly in front of it several times. I know for a fact that you can see anything in my house clearly through that door from the next street over. I don't know if anyone saw me or not. It was a little scary, but also a little liberating. I'm thinking about coming out and wearing girl clothes during my dog's walks.

[Misha]

My first day in girl mode, which was exactly 4 months before starting estrogens... I would describe myself as a spooked cat. I could barely leave my office chair to get a glass of water. The next day and pretty much for a couple of months that followed it was just low self-confidence.

Over time I learned that people simply don't care. Sure, colleagues at work were informed in advance but when walking on the street, going shopping, traveling by bus or other public transportation...

I'd say it was more difficult to switch to proper feminine grammar as Czech language has masculine, feminine and neutral declensions and conjugations. And using neutral forms only sounded unnatural. All that got fixed over time though :-) .

[stephaniec]

Last night I was starting laundry in full girl mode and realized the curtain to the back door was open. I was about to drop the Laundry and close it and said screw it instead. I left it open the rest of the night. I walked by it and even directly in front of it several times. I know for a fact that you can see anything in my house clearly through that door from the next street over. I don't know if anyone saw me or not. It was a little scary, but also a little liberating. I'm thinking about coming out and wearing girl clothes during my dog's walks.

I did that when starting. early morning dog walks

[~Evelyn~]

I don't really care at this point, I just want to be me.

Exactly what I said to myself a few years ago.

[mrs izzy]

I wish to share something about fear

I lay on my bed soaking my pillow with my tears,
I try to remember exactly what it is that I fear.
Is it the passing of time or the love that I lack?
Is it the mistakes that I've made or the fact that I can't bring the past back?
What is it that I'm afraid of?
Why am I so scared?
Is it the people I've hurt or the people that have hurt me?
Am I afraid of everything that I cant seem to see?
Is it the love of a friend, or the loss of my family?
Is it the possibility that my life can end in a tragedy?
What is it that I fear most?
What do my eyes say I'm scared of?
Is it the sun that sets but won't seem to rise?
Is it the hope that I have that always seems to die?
Is it the trust of a person that I cannot begin to grasp?
Is it all the memories of my horrid past?
Is it me?
Can it possibly be that the thing I fear most is the thing I can't be?
The things that I try to understand?
The me that I try to be with when I'm feeling sad?
The person I'm expected to be? Is that what I fear? . . .
I think the thing I fear most . . .is me
© Bianca Flores

Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/fear-itself-is-undefined#ixzz37groekU8
Family Friend Poems

Fear is the darkness we must find a way to cut.
Isabell

[warlockmaker]

I remember going out the first time in public en femme when I was 29. It was just for a couple of hours - I was nervious but people didn't even notice. My philosophy is that I don't want to fake it and be part time and will go "cold turkey" full time and that will be it. I have found most people don't care or even notice unless you are extreme in your presentation. Another 6 months to go.

[Ellesmira the Duck]

Before this week it would have been pretty high. I'm currently out of state visiting a friend in Texas and presenting female the whole week. Its been a good experience and even though my voice still worries me no one has said anything and I've been ma'amed a few times already. I still worry a little but knowing I won't see them again really helps. And I think its given me the confidence to move forward more back home. Before this I only presented female in very controlled environments. Not sure if I'm ready to do it at work but maybe I will for school this semester. If I'm still feeling this brave =P

[Natalia]

I'm still quite afraid of going out as myself...and I don't really know why.

I have been presenting myself each time more femininely, but my fear of being pointed out as a trans and suffering because of that is enormous! Until now I have only been out on a few safe places, like where I do my therapy and a few night parties. My self-steem was never great and I am always thinking that I am too masculine...

Yesterday I had my hair done and it became a lot more feminine. I believe that from now on it will affect my way of presenting myself, since I really feel more confident of going out now... My grandmother still tells me "you are looking like a man"...oh god, this always hurts a lot...perhaps it is not her fault as she is very used with my face...as I am...and it's hard for us to see the woman on the mirror.

Steps...they are all steps...we think that the previous ones were hard, but every step in our transition is hard on its way. Accepting yourself, telling parents and friends, transitioning, start going partial time and full time...

[Allyda]

I'm still quite afraid of going out as myself...and I don't really know why.

I have been presenting myself each time more femininely, but my fear of being pointed out as a trans and suffering because of that is enormous! Until now I have only been out on a few safe places, like where I do my therapy and a few night parties. My self-steem was never great and I am always thinking that I am too masculine...

Yesterday I had my hair done and it became a lot more feminine. I believe that from now on it will affect my way of presenting myself, since I really feel more confident of going out now... My grandmother still tells me "you are looking like a man"...oh god, this always hurts a lot...perhaps it is not her fault as she is very used with my face...as I am...and it's hard for us to see the woman on the mirror.

Steps...they are all steps...we think that the previous ones were hard, but every step in our transition is hard on its way. Accepting yourself, telling parents and friends, transitioning, start going partial time and full time...

Hi Natalie,

I remember you from a very long time ago when I first joined Susan's, and for those shaky first few months of mine. From what I can see you've come a very long way since then. Your hair look's lovely, you have a beautiful perfect smile (at least you can,  lol!). I don't think you have anything to worry about. As I said to you in another thread all I see in your photo is girl. Once you start going out as yourself regularly, you'll see that most people won't even pay attention to you. To most you'll just be another woman doing your thing, and your confidence in yourself will build up until there isn't any boy or girl mode, just girl, and you'll leave your house without so much as thinking about it.

Best wishes!

Allie

[Natalia]

Hi Natalie,

I remember you from a very long time ago when I first joined Susan's, and for those shaky first few months of mine. From what I can see you've come a very long way since then. Your hair look's lovely, you have a beautiful perfect smile (at least you can,  lol!). I don't think you have anything to worry about. As I said to you in another thread all I see in your photo is girl. Once you start going out as yourself regularly, you'll see that most people won't even pay attention to you. To most you'll just be another woman doing your thing, and your confidence in yourself will build up until there isn't any boy or girl mode, just girl, and you'll leave your house without so much as thinking about it.

Best wishes!

Allie

Thanks Allyda!

Indeed I was more present here at the end of 2013/beginning of 2014, but I am still coming from time to time to check the "news" =)

I was tracking my old posts and...wow, almost 10 months and a lot of accomplishments! Bad things happened to me, sad things...but I was able to find myself...I still feel I am not moving that fast, but I am ready to change to the 2nd gear and accelerate!

And thanks for the encouraging words! =) I am sure that once you start going out regulary things will become each day less of something new and different and they will become something normal! I am expecting this day so much, and I feel I am each day closer!

[awilliams1701]

My therapist suggested I do something like that, but I don't have enough time off to do that. I went out in public in a denim skirt and I had confidence on my side. Unfortunately one of the teenagers was determined to ruin my day. He temporarily ruined my mood, but not my day. After that I posted my transgender status on the neighborhood Facebook page and got a lot of positive comments. It certainly made up for him. Unfortunately I'm still not back to my super happy self that I had been in the last couple of days. I'm still in a good mood though.

Before this week it would have been pretty high. I'm currently out of state visiting a friend in Texas and presenting female the whole week. Its been a good experience and even though my voice still worries me no one has said anything and I've been ma'amed a few times already. I still worry a little but knowing I won't see them again really helps. And I think its given me the confidence to move forward more back home. Before this I only presented female in very controlled environments. Not sure if I'm ready to do it at work but maybe I will for school this semester. If I'm still feeling this brave =P

[Kaylin Kumiho]

I'm nowhere near that point... the only time I actually feel comfortable enough to dress appropriately is in my own home, around my girlfriend, or around my friends. The bravest I've gotten thus far was wandering around the mall with girl friend in jean shorts... and honestly that was mildly terrifying.

[Julia-Madrid]

I dunno, for me it was really everything almost all at once:

In January I made contact with my endo, who wanted a psychological report
In March I had the report and told all my friends I was going to transition
In April I started HRT and two days later started presenting as female everywhere except at work
In July I abandoned the boy and now only present as female
And I am now starting now starting to get some male attention I don't quite know how to handle... 

But yes, that first day in April, when I found myself in peak-hour pedestrian Madrid all dolled up scared me massively.  As others have said, sh****** is a good way to describe it     Then I saw that most people didn't even realise.

[Allyda]

Thanks Allyda!

And thanks for the encouraging words! =) I am sure that once you start going out regulary things will become each day less of something new and different and they will become something normal! I am expecting this day so much, and I feel I am each day closer!

That day for you Natalie is much closer than you think. I remember how it was for me. At around the 6th month mark of being full time, which was after the holidays in early 2010, I had come to realize how routine my fixing my hair, and putting on basic makeup had become, and that I'd been leaving the house without a second thought whether I'd pass or not for quite a while. Life as a girl just took over and fell into place neatly. and all of the nervousness had faded away.

Now a days I just go on about my daily business of shopping for groceries and the necessities one needs per month -just another girl doing her thing worrying about paying the bills, keeping the lawn mowed, just everyday stuff. You'll know when it happens cause it's a wonderful feeling when your accepted by everyone as just one of the girls.

Best wishes.
Allie

[Ellesmira the Duck]

I'm nowhere near that point... the only time I actually feel comfortable enough to dress appropriately is in my own home, around my girlfriend, or around my friends. The bravest I've gotten thus far was wandering around the mall with girl friend in jean shorts... and honestly that was mildly terrifying.

I can understand the fear, and if you ever get the time to just venture far enough away from where you live to feel anonymous it might help more then you expect. I know I'm always worried about my voice and if my facial hair is showing through my makeup, but when I knew I wasn't going to see anyone again, it really helped me to put that aside.