I'm torn between telling my life's story and just keeping it short. I think I'm just going to type everything out. It'll be stream of consciousness, and probably horribly written. (Especially since I'm typing it on an iPhone that is notorious for autocorrecting or putting in words that I don't want. I'll try to keep an eye out for that, but no promises.
This might be kind of boring as well. But any thoughts will be greatly appreciated.
Now, let's begin.
I'm twenty eight and have been wondering if I'm transgender since I was probably ten, though I didn't know the term until I was well into college. Sad, I know. I can remember being in middle school and just before going to sleep, imagining that I was a girl. I still do this now, but I'm a writer and it's more for story ideas. (Sort of like, "how would this character sleep?" kind of stuff.) I always thought that if I was a girl, I'd have to like guys. But I liked girls and guys. The softness of girls and the comfort of guys. Probably a little sexist there, sorry...but it always feels like I'm confused about everything. What I find normal is weird, and what everyone else finds normal, I find weird. So I've come to the conclusion that I don't know what normal is and neither does anyone else. Normal is relative as far as I'm concerned.
Getting back to the point. I've always liked to imagine myself as a girl. When I was growing up, people who were born female seemed to be free, for lack of a better word. Since this is the Internet, I'm trying to be as open about everything. It may come to bite me in the ass one day, but I'll worry about that when it comes. When I first saw porn, I could only look at females. I liked guys, but I didn't find them attractive like females. It wasn't until...there it is again...college that I started looking at guys as well. Sadly, I've been sheltered my whole life. It'd be a lie to say otherwise. I grew up in an upper middle class home, got basically what I wanted (to most degree), and had a loving family. I still do, but I'll get to that part later. Staying on the childhood bit, I tried on my sister's clothes and found them comfortable. Even had to do the this-goes-here and fold-it-this-way when I got done with them. My sister is three years older than me, so when she got a job at 16 I had free reign of her room. (Our parents worked until 6ish. So three hours alone basically in middle/high school.)
I didn't act upon any of my wants because I didn't know how. What TV I watched never mentioned transgender issues and a boy imagining he was a girl at night was weird at my house. I'm sure there are a billion other stories like mine. That's why I said earlier that this would probably be boring.
When I graduated from high school, I wanted to take a year off to figure myself out. I had a masturbation problem (can't say that's improved...-.-...), didn't know but only three road names (seriously), and no idea what I wanted to do as a career. I played guitar and thought I could do the band thing. But my parents were worried about me getting off their insurance so they made me go straight to a junior college after high school. (I understand the reasoning now, but I still wonder what would have happened if I took that year off.) So, I piddled through junior college and turned a two year college into a three year because I took so many classes and didn't know what I wanted to do. I graduated from there with a degree in General Studies.
During my junior college years, I got a job as a parking long attendant. I'm still here nine (almost ten) years later. There I started reading a lot because when there isn't any cars coming we have free time. (Let's put it this way, I'm a list person, and one year out here I read 68 books. And I'm a slow reader.)
The parking lot has a point, but let's jump back for a minute. After junior college I went to a university. That's when I really started to become myself. 2008 was a big year for me. That's when I met people that actually understand me and I started thinking. I've always had these stories in my head, so at that time I figured I could write them down and become a novelist. (That's another can of worms and not quite relevant here.) Since high school I've only kept in real touch with about two people. The others are more Facebook friends, which in my definition are more like acquaintances. Yeah, I knew/know them, but I don't really let them see me. Also around that time I read Luna by Julie Anne Peters. I had started learning about transgenders and stuff from wiki, but it was so much to take in, that I couldn't really. So I found fiction. By this time I had the parking lot job and was reading a lot. It may not have been a big deal for me to buy a book on trans issues, but it always felt like that was something I didn't want anybody to know about. The reason why I said it may not have been a big deal is because I try and read anything. And sometimes when I go to the check out counter and get a weird look about what I'm getting, I'll put on the yeah-whatever acting mask. Like, "yeah, I'm reading a book on pornography." (I actually do have a book on the history of pornography, but it's fascinating to me.) But I could never get a book on trans issues that was nonfiction. So I went looking for a book that was about that topic, but had a normal cover per se. I was in Barnes and Noble and had an assistant look up a few books (and I mean few at that time, that I could find). All they had was Luna in the teen section.
Reading that book opened my eyes. I really find that phrase cliche, but it's true. I finished it and thought, "Holy crap...this is me." All the questions I had seemed to have a place to go. Why did I want to be a girl? Because maybe I really was one. How could I get a female body? Hormone treatments and stuff.
It was the "I'm not the only one like this" kind of moment. And I realized that at 22. Kind of late to me
So, now I knew what to do, right? Wrong. I still didn't have a clue. In the back of the book was a list of helpline stuff which was good, but I didn't know how to navigate it. That was my excuse anyways. The biggest thing that held me back was family. I've always had a loving family, but I know the moment I announce "hey, I wanna be a girl" I'm expecting to lose about 90% of it. (Because of the states passing the same-sex marrying bills, I've been hearing a lot of "that's just wrong" "that's a sin" "stupid fa***ts" etc. Mostly from my dad and a few of my co-workers.) I live in Mobile, Alabama. Bible Belt much? Oh yeah.
So my next ingenious plan is??? Nothing. I do move out about year or two later. That was 2010 or hell as I like to call it. That's when I was living paycheck to paycheck, worrying about my car constantly breaking down on me, this whole want-to-be-girl thing, and still going to college and not getting any sleep. (Flash forward four years later to a few months ago, I found out that depression runs in my family and that is probably what got the better of me.) It got to the point of waking up some mornings and not wanting to do anything. Just lay there and waste away. Death was a welcoming because it was certain and all that jazz. But I got up anyway because I figured it would be easier living than having someone clean up after me when I was gone. The whole dead body thing, money, and going through my mounds of stuff. (I'm materialistic and I know this.)
In that year though, I started focusing on writing. Might as well do something with my life. Sorry to keep bringing it up, but I masturbated a lot. And I mean a lot. It was my stress reliever. Get up in the morning do it, go to school, go to the apartment, if I had time do it again, go to work, get home and do it one or two times. I'm not kidding, there were some days like this. But it depended on the day.
In June of 2010 though, I decided that I wanted to be a girl. I still didn't know how I was going to do it, but I was hopeful.
So, January 2011ish, after living paycheck to paycheck, I don't sign another contract and move back in with my parents. Biding my time is how I like to lie to myself on that one. Also in 2011 I graduated from the university with a degree in English and a minor in History. Basically nothing unless you go into teaching. Something that I don't want to do over here.
After that I go back into my shell. My comfort zone. I had a roof over my head, money from a job that I could spend a bit more freely, always a cabinet full of food, and time to think. Well, sort of. Since coming to my conclusion of wanting to be female, I had to figure out how. By now I knew I could get hormone treatments...possibly. I was and still kind of am worried that a therapist is going to say "You don't want to be female. You just need to get laid by a woman and all those thoughts will go out the window."
So I ran. Saying that I was doing stuff like writing books, watching movies I had accumulated for research (I enjoy movies and being depressed all the time made me not want to watch them), and just trying to find a job that I could do full time. Most of the time when I wanted to be a girl, I had some clothes that I'd gotten (after a nerve racking experience at a goodwill store and a few times I was brave at Walmart) I even had makeup that I had acquired from Mom's makeup counter and dressing up like Franken Furter for Halloween. So when I wanted to be girly, I put on that and filled water balloons up or something.
To me this was a childish thing. Or at least something a teenager would do. One who couldn't find themselves. So honestly, the times that I dressed up in those clothes became less and less. Not to mention the fact that I was now halfway to becoming thirty. The depression eats still got to me sometimes and I put on a little weight. A little by say forty-ish pounds. -.-U
To make matters worse, in a way, my mother was let go of her job. Now, this isn't so bad because she was able to retire and get those benefits and my dad still has his job so they could survive. My sister is married, though she does take advantage of my parents money from time to time which pisses me off. (Yet, when I say anything my mother says she does it because she wants to be a good grandmother and give to her daughter and grandchildren.) I get that you want to be loved, just don't feel used. I should be preaching these words to myself, huh?
So, mom was home all the time now and I never got any alone time to do what I wanted like that if I did it at all. A few months after she retired, my sister who lives a mile up the road, started letting her son off at my parents house. My mom became a full time babysitter. I have nothing wrong with people doing that once they retire. But my mom gets stressed out because my sister doesn't discipline her children much so they can be wild. (My nephew is ten my niece is three, by the way.) And my mom doesn't want to be the bad guy and get on to my nephew. So I have to play the bad guy when he acts up and it gets on my nerves. But I've ranted too long on that topic, but we're close to the end.
So, late last year my mom retires and I'm like, "I need to move out and get on with my life." My sister and her two kids start visiting more than normal. She lives a mile from the house so it was already a lot. But since I was the only one home most of the time before, they wouldn't see just me. Mom retires and it's a pretty much daily thing. So every morning at eight I hear kids running around the house getting ready for school. I work shift work so my hours are all over the place. (As in I work 3-11 in the afternoon today, 10 in the morning to 6 at night tomorrow, and 7 in the morning to 3 in the evening Friday.) My sleep has always been crappy at best. So every morning I'm up at eight. My father who only sleeps six hours and on a couch (not sure why, but he just always has) says that's enough and gets angry at me if I sleep past ten. In the afternoons, my nephew gets off the bus at 3 and stays until recently when his mom felt like coming around. My sister got fired from a job last year and likes to lay around the house. I know it's because she has a three year old who doesn't sleep through the night (because she STILL sleeps in the bed with her and her husband) and it's her escape, but it drives me nuts. She puts everything on my parents because her husband is a piece of s*** who talks big yet still lives on his parents property and let's his mother do all his finances. If your mother does your finances, that's cool, my mom pays some of my bills when she does hers, but I know and check on it. I don't give my mother every penny I made and live off an allowance of what I make. To each their own, I guess.
I'm ranting today. Sorry. Just a lot of bottles up stuff.
So early this year I'm back to getting little sleep, constantly judged for what I have and haven't done, and pretty much hating myself.
In May I get an idea. I make about a $1000 a month. Not bad, but livable. I just got bumped up to supervisor so I know I'll get 80 hours and a two dollar raise. Still, not bad, but workable. With this in mind I ask my best friend if he wants to move into an apartment together. To my surprise he agrees and on July 1st we started living in a place with two bedrooms and two baths.
The place is great at least to me. But everything has a drawback. Nothing too bad yet. The water's hard and I feel like I'm losing my hair which by now has grown past my shoulders. I'm planning on getting a filter for that when I get the first month of bills.
We've been moving so much because we both work at the same place and he works another job and don't get that many days off together. So on the 2nd we moved all the big stuff and I've been going back and forth getting my books, my writing stuff, clothes, my girly clothes that were in a safe (but now in a filing cabinet until I can find a better place my mom won't look when she comes over), and all my little do dads.
With all this done, I want to move forward. My current plan is to apply for JET in November (which is a teaching program that will let me teach in Japan for a year.) I've always loved Japanese culture. I came in with the DBZ book in the late 90s but have since discovered more of the country. And I really do like it.
But there in lies a little problem. I want to push more for being a girl but I don't know where to go. I like the idea of JET and would love to visit if not love in Japan. But if I do that it will affect my "girl process" as it were.
My current line of thinking is, workout now, get back into a shape and enjoy the freedom of being able to walk around in my own place in clothes I find comfortable. (My roommate knows I want to be a girl, but I don't think he really understands. I think he thinks it's just a phase. And I'm kind of wondering if it is too.) When November comes around, apply for JET. I won't know if they accept me until next year. If I read it right, this time next year if I get accepted would mean moving back into my parents house for a month or so then flying out to Japan for a year. If I like it, I can stay by extending my teaching job. If not I could come back.
And that's where I don't know where to go.
I feel like if I go to Japan I'll have designated myself full male and get married over there. But a benefit, I have determined that if I fall in love with a guy, I'll tell my family at least part of my feelings on life. Love is love. If someone can love me like a romantic, it would make me extremely happy.
If I don't like it, I can take what I learned from over there and use it in finding a job over here.
It's still up in the air. As I said (I think) I'll be twenty eight later this month and I need to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. I've always been late to everything feels like. And that's most of the reason I'm writing this. I'm desperate.
I've always tried to be happy in everything I do, especially after the 2010 year of hell. I feel like if I go full guy, I won't be happy all the way. If I find a person, male or female, who doesn't mind the crossdressing that would be great. But I'd still feel the lack of the body I want because age and let's face it testosterone will not be on my side. (Even when I shave now, I still see a shadow of where my beard is. Even when it's smooth.)
But if I decide I want to be a girl, I feel like my family will abandon me and nobody will love me. Which I know isn't true on the second part, but it's still in my head.
I'm what people call a Mamma's boy. My mother and I have a lot in common. Like the same things. Act the same way about things. All my life and just yesterday when she talks about kids it's the same line, "I had my two a girl and a boy. And that's all I wanted." When I've brought up children with her, she always says she wanted a little boy.
I don't want to hurt her most of all.
And again, I feel like a teenager when I'm an adult because I'm having these feelings.
I'm stuck...lost...confused...scared...f***ed up...something and have no idea where to go. I just need some direction.
I'm sorry to go ballistic on this site that I just found today, but I have no idea what to do and am grabbing for straws.
So anything will be helpful.
- Justin
(P. S...I like to use the name Michelle Winters when I think of myself in a female way.)
