Tension

[luna nyan]

One thing I've noticed recently about myself is that I have reached a position where I claim to say that "I have peace for my time".  The noise is dulled, the physical changes are stalled, I'm productive at work, and home life is good.

Mind you, this is pretty much akin to Neville Chamberlain's speech - the peace treaty between the various aspects of myself are in an uneasy truce, and my great fear is that one certain part of me may secretly be rearming.

Heaven help me if it gets away from me.  It would be all too easy for me to say stuff it all, get a few therapy sessions, increase my dosages and go all the way.  Getting rubber stamped would be easy in my case as I seem to be sound and sane to my treating health providers.  Yet that in itself is an uneasy solution, as the cost of such, in all aspects, are not to my liking.

So I continue negotiating with myself, seeking ways for expression that will not compromise the path set before me, drawing strength from within and relying on my faith.  Yet regardless, I know that this will always be a thorn, a locus, in my side that I will never be rid of, merely managed.

[EchelonHunt]

It will never be a thorn in your side unless you believe it is so.

A negative view upon a part of yourself will only serve to bring you down further, rather than upwards to the skies.

Your identity is a part of who you are. Yes, it can be easy as 1-2-3 to conform to the binary system of being female but that is, clearly, not the answer you seek.

Being non-binary offers endless possibilities of fluidity. A million chances of being who you are without restraint or care to the society and gender rules surrounding yourself.

It is a wonderful gift, not a curse. It never will be fixed - no, not entirely, it is a bittersweet sense of freedom.

Embrace it, my dear friend. As they say, "This is not the end, this is only the beginning."

(If you were not referring to your non-binary identity, please excuse everything I have said and I apologize profusely.)

[ativan]

Being non-binary offers endless possibilities of fluidity.
A million chances of being who you are without restraint or care to the society and gender rules surrounding yourself.
It is a wonderful gift, not a curse. It never will be fixed - no, not entirely, it is a bittersweet sense of freedom.

A truth, the upside of being non-binary.
Freedom is always bittersweet, always a battle to be won in a never ending war that is simply your life.
Ativan

[Asche]

...Freedom ...

"Freedom's just another word for / nothin' left to lose."
(from "Me and Bobby McGee")

[Satinjoy]

Well timed Luna, I am dysphorically uncomfortable today

Will come back in on it when I have a minute or two, but I feel similarly, which makes it so important to always have clarity

Will share later what has helped me.  Which, will help, me.  LOL

[Satinjoy]

One thing I've noticed recently about myself is that I have reached a position where I claim to say that "I have peace for my time".  The noise is dulled, the physical changes are stalled, I'm productive at work, and home life is good.

Mind you, this is pretty much akin to Neville Chamberlain's speech - the peace treaty between the various aspects of myself are in an uneasy truce, and my great fear is that one certain part of me may secretly be rearming.
Heaven help me if it gets away from me.  It would be all too easy for me to say stuff it all, get a few therapy sessions, increase my dosages and go all the way.  Getting rubber stamped would be easy in my case as I seem to be sound and sane to my treating health providers.  Yet that in itself is an uneasy solution, as the cost of such, in all aspects, are not to my liking.

So I continue negotiating with myself, seeking ways for expression that will not compromise the path set before me, drawing strength from within and relying on my faith.  Yet regardless, I know that this will always be a thorn, a locus, in my side that I will never be rid of, merely managed.

Well dear this sounds like me about 6 months ago or just after my non binary acceptance.  Fear of dysphoria, of progression, of losing contact with the core is I think a commonality with us.  Having a place where there is a balance between my identities, their self expressions, my reaction to the head in the mirror (negative right now, wasn't that way before my trip), constant rationalizing then questioning if I am trying to rationalize to maintain my happiness, to maintain the boundaries, to fool myself into buying into being necessarily GQ, etc etc mind likes to yap yap yap.  And then stepping back, centering, focusing on what is important, focusing on how my dysphoria affects those I love, how I can turn it to a positive not a negative. 

I relentlessly focus on positivity.  I know of one who have been told that is not realistic, cruelly, in here, but it is their overflow of bitterness that causes that.  Bitterness of unrelenting pain of dysphoria blinding them to the truth of who we are, non binary spirits.  If I deceive myself into going full power into mtf transsexuality I act upon a self deception, for I know that my personal transsexuality is not binary in truth.  I must stay on the truth.

The gifts we can have as non binary are great.  But we have that thing where we don't trust our trans-ness because of its extreme power.  So we think it will run us over and we cannot steer it.  That is possibly not true, we have members here that are living proof of this.  But true for ourselves, time will tell, expert therapy can help and I notice that our most successfully sane trans still are in therapy... I have my next apt Monday and I need it.

But we need to trust, by faith, by board experience from the healthiest of us, by knowing who we are deeply.

Meds are meds, I am full of estrogen and love it.  That is its own very interesting thing.  But it is not necessarily meds to transition, for me it is meds to stay sane, to get the body I must have, but not to be full time.  Nor do I wish the surgical stuff.  I have simply no desire for it.  But when that peaceful chemical balance is reached where your body has what it needs hormonally whether great or small or T or E, you have found something very important.

I chose stability, and safe choices in presentation.   I fear the destruction of my life, what I hold dear to me, but that fear diminishes as  I gain new understandings and more clarity of my wifes boundaries.  I deeply want to rid the facial hair and grow mine or wig it when I need to, but this is not safe for me now and is an annoyance I can live with.  I'll be talking with the shrink about that.  He saved my marriage, and of course the big save was from above.  That is documented in the Christian forum section.

But regardless, we step out in faith all the time as trans.  We are spirits of courage and of truth, in here.  So enjoy your peace, your truth, and when the component gets strong, let her out safely, if I fight Satinjoy I am in big trouble.  I must unconditionally love her and help her.  It was a rough morning for me I needed to be fully transitioned and couldn't get the moment to do so, had to settle on inside focus with male outerwear.  If I lose focus, if I forget that appearance is not what this is about to me, nor vanity, then I can get into big trouble real quick.

Rambling, doing a brain dump here, hope there is something helpful in there.

I need my wig on.  Wife will give me that time if I need it tomorrow morning.  She knows I need to be able to let my hair down or the dysphoria will overwhelm me.

Interesting life we live.  Its different I think for all of us, yet the same.  I don't think dysphoria is my enemy but I think it can hurt me and others if I do not thoroughly understand it, move with it, and not try to repress it.  I am many components but one soul.  But no component is excluded, all are needed to be me, getting negative on a component only causes pain.  I was created this way, I must find a way to make it shine and help others, mostly in here, by trying to encourage them and to see their great value as souls in this world with very special attributes.

Love to all here.  Sad for those who cannot embrace themselves and become casualties.  We must care for ourselves.  We have worth and value in this world.

Nails polished and out, hair GONE GIMME IT BACK, and laughing at myself joyously.  Not a big deal, I sleep well at night, and the lingerie is sweet indeed, as I lie in my wife's loving arms, the greatest gift I have been given as a transsexual, a marriage that made it through transition and remains strong.  A painful message to some but hope to others.

Be blessed love to all.

[luna nyan]

Everyone, thank you for your replies, I appreciate them.

A negative view upon a part of yourself will only serve to bring you down further, rather than upwards to the skies.

I understand this, and to be honest, I know my self worth.  Yet it is something that vexes me and keeps me grounded as a flawed being.

Your identity is a part of who you are. Yes, it can be easy as 1-2-3 to conform to the binary system of being female but that is, clearly, not the answer you seek.

I've chosen my current path more due to circumstance, and my personal oaths of duty.  Should I transition at this point in time, the things I vowed to do, which are more important to me than my gender identity, I would fail in doing, and that to me would be worse than death.

Being non-binary offers endless possibilities of fluidity. A million chances of being who you are without restraint or care to the society and gender rules surrounding yourself.

It is a wonderful gift, not a curse. It never will be fixed - no, not entirely, it is a bittersweet sense of freedom.

Embrace it, my dear friend. As they say, "This is not the end, this is only the beginning."

(If you were not referring to your non-binary identity, please excuse everything I have said and I apologize profusely.)

It is hard for me to accept being in the middle so to speak.  I am one of strong conviction, and sometimes muddling about in the middle so to speak is frustrating.  Being a cultural chimera often wears poorly on me, except when I am messing with people's heads.

Freedom is always bittersweet, always a battle to be won in a never ending war that is simply your life.

Very true.  But the cost of fighting can be horrendous, and it isn't one that I can readily pay.  I understand, and mostly accept this, but it can be difficult at times.

The gifts we can have as non binary are great.  But we have that thing where we don't trust our trans-ness because of its extreme power.  So we think it will run us over and we cannot steer it.  That is possibly not true, we have members here that are living proof of this.  But true for ourselves, time will tell, expert therapy can help and I notice that our most successfully sane trans still are in therapy... I have my next apt Monday and I need it.

I am glad you are still getting help - your dysphoria swings can be extreme at times.  A little paranoia on my own side, personally - mentally, I understand myself, but the desire to overreach from my current position exists.  I know to a certain degree, it is a case of looking at the grass on either side of a fence and sitting on it, one leg dangling on either side, kicking the turf.

I chose stability, and safe choices in presentation.

But regardless, we step out in faith all the time as trans.  We are spirits of courage and of truth, in here.  So enjoy your peace, your truth, and when the component gets strong, let her out safely, if I fight Satinjoy I am in big trouble.  I must unconditionally love her and help her.  It was a rough morning for me I needed to be fully transitioned and couldn't get the moment to do so, had to settle on inside focus with male outerwear.  If I lose focus, if I forget that appearance is not what this is about to me, nor vanity, then I can get into big trouble real quick.

Sorry to hear about the rough day.  I hope a better one awaits tomorrow.

Funnily enough, I don't really feel the need to dress to appease the dysphoria, insomuch as the need for actual social transition itself - but doing so requires a deconstruction and reconstruction that I am unwilling to subject my family to.  The clothes are merely part of the package so to speak.  The curiosity is there regarding how much change HRT will induce, but that is a mere clinical curiosity, rather than a desperate need.

Luna

[ativan]

So things are pretty much under control in regards to your gender identity?
A little wish, desire, thoughts of what could or might be.
A normal part of most everything in life is like this.
It's comforting to hear this from people here.
We all deal with being who we are in the ways we think are best.
When we are at least somewhere near were we wish to be at this time, being who we are has the feeling of normal we seek.
All in all, it's refreshing to know that things are stable, not perfect, but who's life really is?
You bring a sense of confidence in your comments.
A pondering, that you share with others here.
You bring this to our conversations, not an urgency, but the possibilities in a discussion.
A way of confirmation, about who we are, who you are.
Another way of living as non-binary.
Thank you.
Ativan

[helen2010]

One thing I've noticed recently about myself is that I have reached a position where I claim to say that "I have peace for my time".  The noise is dulled, the physical changes are stalled, I'm productive at work, and home life is good.

Mind you, this is pretty much akin to Neville Chamberlain's speech - the peace treaty between the various aspects of myself are in an uneasy truce, and my great fear is that one certain part of me may secretly be rearming.

Heaven help me if it gets away from me.  It would be all too easy for me to say stuff it all, get a few therapy sessions, increase my dosages and go all the way.  Getting rubber stamped would be easy in my case as I seem to be sound and sane to my treating health providers.  Yet that in itself is an uneasy solution, as the cost of such, in all aspects, are not to my liking.

So I continue negotiating with myself, seeking ways for expression that will not compromise the path set before me, drawing strength from within and relying on my faith.  Yet regardless, I know that this will always be a thorn, a locus, in my side that I will never be rid of, merely managed.

Luna Nyan

I confess that at times I fear that my non binary identity is a convenient fiction which I have developed and accept so that I can utilise it to justify a partial transition to MTA and avoid the extreme fallout which would follow if I simply swapped one binary for the other

However in my more lucid moments I know that I no longer belong in a blue box than I belong in a pink box.  I know that low dose hrt keeps me in a very rich place with no dysphoria and partial feminisation,  and my androgyny I can signal to others through appropriate grooming, hair removal, clothing etc. This feels like this is the right place for me at this stage of my journey. From here I can enhance and express both so called M or F characteristics or attributes. Perhaps it is more of a challenge because genetic males are more norm constrained than their sisters but a non binary identity and andro presentation appeals as there is much to learn in rising to this challenge

So should I take more of the addictive drug E and follow so many of my sisters into their binary translation or is that merely the easy and less confronting path?  Is a full mtf transition an honest response and expression of my non binary identity or would it just be an easier and more travelled path?  I have never been one to follow a fashion, or to follow the majority just because it is the more usual strategy so why should I change now?

I think that our answers are as personal as our identities are unique. We can but pose the questions and then answer them as honestly as we are able.

The questions may change as may the answers.  This is a good thing and is the means by which we set our course and express our spirit.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Satinjoy]

Everyone, thank you for your replies, I appreciate them.I understand this, and to be honest, I know my self worth.  Yet it is something that vexes me and keeps me grounded as a flawed being.I've chosen my current path more due to circumstance, and my personal oaths of duty.  Should I transition at this point in time, the things I vowed to do, which are more important to me than my gender identity, I would fail in doing, and that to me would be worse than death.It is hard for me to accept being in the middle so to speak.  I am one of strong conviction, and sometimes muddling about in the middle so to speak is frustrating.  Being a cultural chimera often wears poorly on me, except when I am messing with people's heads.
Very true.  But the cost of fighting can be horrendous, and it isn't one that I can readily pay.  I understand, and mostly accept this, but it can be difficult at times.
I am glad you are still getting help - your dysphoria swings can be extreme at times.  A little paranoia on my own side, personally - mentally, I understand myself, but the desire to overreach from my current position exists.  I know to a certain degree, it is a case of looking at the grass on either side of a fence and sitting on it, one leg dangling on either side, kicking the turf.Sorry to hear about the rough day.  I hope a better one awaits tomorrow.

Funnily enough, I don't really feel the need to dress to appease the dysphoria, insomuch as the need for actual social transition itself - but doing so requires a deconstruction and reconstruction that I am unwilling to subject my family to.  The clothes are merely part of the package so to speak.  The curiosity is there regarding how much change HRT will induce, but that is a mere clinical curiosity, rather than a desperate need.

Luna

Great thread.  Strong resonance for me across the board, with everyone.


Social transition vs an internal transition is of interest.  I have no desire to socially transition to another presentation.  Totally happy socially genderqueer.
The perception on my personal dysphoric swings took me by surprise.  I would be curious as to others perceptions of this here.  I think it is part of fluidity for me.

The clothes or the presentation per se are needed for me in terms of recharging.  My wife graciously gave me time this morning to isolate and to be fully female transitioned.  I needed it, it felt good to be me, and once expressed and Satinjoy was released to relax in heels for a half hour, the dysphoria relaxed and my objection to the mirror vanished, as I transitioned on the way to work into my more male social mode of coping and relating, while remaining fully mtf TS under the shell of an outward appearance.  And still, gender neutral at the core.  Its complicated.

The oaths of family commitment are shared by a number of others here, notably Aisla and myself are extremely committed to this, and there are others.  It is commendable, honorable, and very important to me that we succeed in keeping that together, while still being true to ourselves and our core genders.

The idea of fighting dysphoria is of interest.  I used to fight it and it gained power.  Now I don't fight it and it is peaceful, meaning I do not fight any component.  But, I will not allow physical dysphoria to dominate my actions.  Trans from the inside out not outside in, maybe a bit contradictory, but a lady in jeans is still a lady regardless of her appearance.

Peace in non binary - peace with being trans - is wonderful and I think indicates balance and health in some way.

The shrink - I do not underestimate the power of dysphoria and Nero's passing has me wide awake and I will continue to see the shrink.  He is good at blowing up distorted thinking for me.

A binary transition to me is not the easy path at all.  Especially if it is not fully based on who we are, not who we feel pressured to be either socially, physically or dysphorically.

The addictive nature of E is something I shut down on.  I am on heavy dosages of injected estradiol cypionate, which has a narcotic effect on me.  There is no way I would voluntarily discontinue that.  But the low dose scenario is not appropriate or desired for me at all.

Am I unstable or contradictory?  I don't think so, but I think I am a bit complex in my triune perception of identity, physical, core and social.

God Bless.  Feeling good here, love this thread.

Blessings and love to all here.

[Satinjoy]

One more thing, sorry

Luna you sound remarkably stable and sane to me, a great asset to the non binary forum

I apologize for talking of my own experiences but I don't know other ways to share experience strength and hope with others.  I hope it has value, at least it is honest.

And if I recall you are not married yet - my memory was damaged and HRT affects it when dosages are adjusted - so if I am off on that,  I apologize.

I don't wish to be selfish, self serving or ego driven on the board.  I just want to share with other people like me.  Who I never met until I came here.

I pray you have consistant peace and truth in yourself and enjoy the being of trans, the state of uniqueness we all share together.

Love to all, need you all, God Bless.

[ativan]

Talking about our experiences, good and bad is very important here.
That's what adds value to the topics, it's what they are usually about.
It's a difficult thing to do for some, so they read and learn, maybe to share their's someday as well.
To be able to express our experiences has it's own value for us as individuals.
If they are read by others, they then have another value and it is for those who read them.
No matter how our experiences are projected, they always have value to them one way or another.
Ativan

[luna nyan]

So things are pretty much under control in regards to your gender identity?
A little wish, desire, thoughts of what could or might be.

Well, I know myself.  I am at heart, mtf.  I live as mta for reasons that I have previously outlined.  Life isn't going to be, as they say, "beer and skittles", regardless of what I do.  But I have a peace of sorts with where things are.  I seem to go into deep introspection every 10 years or so, and this is one of those times.

I confess that at times I fear that my non binary identity is a convenient fiction which I have developed and accept so that I can utilise it to justify a partial transition to MTA and avoid the extreme fallout which would follow if I simply swapped one binary for the other

...

I think that our answers are as personal as our identities are unique. We can but pose the questions and then answer them as honestly as we are able.

The questions may change as may the answers.  This is a good thing and is the means by which we set our course and express our spirit.

And that indeed is the crux of the matter.  I've openly stated my status.  And I'm living it.  And the honest answer is that I live as mat as the logistics of mtf simply don't work well enough for me to make it worth it.  It is, of course a value judgement call, and may change, but for the last 10 years, the answer has been no.

My only regret is the fact that I did not learn of low dose HRT sooner.  It would have saves me a few binge and purge cycles.  I have no issue with doing that, and no shame in it - I let her out, felt better, and at the end, discard the crutch when I no longer need it.  (Besides, I like to keep in fashion...)

Social transition vs an internal transition is of interest.  I have no desire to socially transition to another presentation.  Totally happy socially genderqueer.

The oaths of family commitment are shared by a number of others here, notably Aisla and myself are extremely committed to this, and there are others.  It is commendable, honorable, and very important to me that we succeed in keeping that together, while still being true to ourselves and our core genders.

The idea of fighting dysphoria is of interest.  I used to fight it and it gained power.  Now I don't fight it and it is peaceful, meaning I do not fight any component.  But, I will not allow physical dysphoria to dominate my actions.  Trans from the inside out not outside in, maybe a bit contradictory, but a lady in jeans is still a lady regardless of her appearance.

Peace in non binary - peace with being trans - is wonderful and I think indicates balance and health in some way.

The addictive nature of E is something I shut down on.  I am on heavy dosages of injected estradiol cypionate, which has a narcotic effect on me.  There is no way I would voluntarily discontinue that.  But the low dose scenario is not appropriate or desired for me at all.

Am I unstable or contradictory?  I don't think so, but I think I am a bit complex in my triune perception of identity, physical, core and social.

God Bless.  Feeling good here, love this thread.

Blessings and love to all here.

Some very good points here.  There are significant differences, but great common ground with many here.

One more thing, sorry

Luna you sound remarkably stable and sane to me, a great asset to the non binary forum

I apologize for talking of my own experiences but I don't know other ways to share experience strength and hope with others.  I hope it has value, at least it is honest.

And if I recall you are not married yet - my memory was damaged and HRT affects it when dosages are adjusted - so if I am off on that,  I apologize.

Thank you for the compliment.  But you should know, it's the pleasant neighbour who is most likely to be an axe murderer... 

Sharing of experiences allows alternate perspectives and has great value.  Do not doubt that.  I wish that more people would realise their self worth - many of the postings from people crying for help upset me.  A dark place isnt a good place to be.

As for status - married with kids.  That is all that I will ever elaborate on in that regard - I keep them out of my discussions here as much as I can.

My stability arises from sheer mule headed stubbornness and a stoicism that has been ingrained from a young age.  Things are, and if you can't change it, take the good and move on.

[Satinjoy]

We are here for you.  The accomodations I make for family are dysphorically painful, the gains priceless.  It's worth it.

[helen2010]

Being non-binary offers endless possibilities of fluidity. A million chances of being who you are without restraint or care to the society and gender rules surrounding yourself.

It is a wonderful gift, not a curse. It never will be fixed - no, not entirely, it is a bittersweet sense of freedom.

Embrace it, my dear friend. As they say, "This is not the end, this is only the beginning."

(If you were not referring to your non-binary identity, please excuse everything I have said and I apologize profusely.)

Going back to the OP and Echelon's response the success of low dose HRT is astounding but like Luna Nyan says "heaven help me if it gets away from me"

There is always the siren's song luring me onwards,  larger dosage, the promise of greater benefit.  There is always the periodic need to reset and scale back.  So far, so good.

But, my brain seems to be continuing its rewiring.  I am more empathetic and I do feel more connected.  Slowly but surely I seem to be caring more and more about others and less and less about my career, my job, sports, hobbies and those things which had been important to me pre HRT.  I am not complaining as I enjoy relationships more, particularly with women.  I like to dress and present more carefully.  I like to be more manicured etc.   But at the same time I do worry that while the dosages have remained relatively consistent and my physical changes are not pronounced, my personality and my priorities are continuing to change

Does this tension persist or do you become more accepting or yourself as you ease into not so much the 'new you' but your 'essential or inner you'?

Safe travels

Aisla

[Satinjoy]

I have so much to say and no time.

On high dose, there is a sedating effect from estradiol.  However the mental affects are not great, that I can see.

What changed is my perception of trans.  I am more comfortable in who I am.  That allows greater expression, less repression, more comfort, and the discomfort of unnavigated change.

That being said, dysphoria is tricky and takes whatever it can, in and of me.  Only through the acceptance of absolute boundaries am I able to overcome this, and once accepted, I can relax into it.  Fear then evaporates as I begin to rest in my choices and move on.

But as to the effects of E, in me, and we are all apparently different according the the drs and shrinks, it is more physical.  True the sports and aggression has faded, but how much of this was to escape the pain of dysphoria?  The pain of non acceptance of self?  Running hard to not feel, total involvement of the mind, for me by racing... or by anything consuming.  Healthy or unhealthy.

So do we fear our trans natures or embrace, set boundaries or panic, find ourselves, deny ourselves or learn that uncluttered clarity of thought shows us the truth of who we are and who we choose to reveal.

ALso the validation of others and specifically our mates, when not there, hurts.  That is an individual thing.  My wife cannot handle a full transitioned presentation, but I see more and more growth and peace as the lines drawn in the sand and the assurance that I am working with my shrink and the trusted of the forum to remain stable and remain familiar to her from the neck up become more accepted to her as real, and her fear of me changing subsides, leaving us to rediscover each other in a new relationship with old foundations, but now based in total truth and freedom from deception, whether self deception or deliberate veils of  ourselves that were birthed in fear.

Just thoughts.  I don't think our minds change but our perception of ourselves as people of trans changes and that reflects in our behavior and desire to be out.

But left unchecked, dysphoria probably will run to a full physical transition, because the image in the mirror jars with the image we have of ourselves sometimes painfully. There are many healthy ways to rationalize out of that, especially by valuing our birth gender and seeing it as attractive from the perspective of our other components, and valuable as a gift to our loved ones, while we give ourselves the gift of self acceptance and of honoring the integrity we have as true mates of our loved ones, standing up for their needs and giving them the gift of our very lives.   And not allowing ourselves to buy into being binary when we are not.

God Bless, enjoy your day.

I may have more again.  Cherish your wives and your commitments to them.  It is exemplary.

[VeronicaLynn]

Although it is my personal quest to find a way to find peace with my gender issues without HRT and SRS, it may not be possible, and even if it is possible for me, it might not be for some, or perhaps most. I did have this peace, for the most part, when I was a child and a teenager. If I could have this peace in a teenage boy's testosterone filled body, why can't it be possible now?

I maybe could find peace more easily with HRT, that's not what I seek, at least not right now. I developed a number of bad habits in my attempt to not deal with these issues, and I feel like I need to deal with those first, especially my drinking, before I make permanent changes to my body. Although I'm doing a lot better, I still wonder if part of me is still using this as an excuse to not totally sober up for awhile, as in, this was all just some stupid thing I did when I was drunk and bored. If I were to be totally sober for weeks or months, and was still posting on here and wearing an outfit like this, I'd be totally sure that I'm trans, even though I already know that, there's still just that tiny sliver of deniability if I'm still drinking.

It's funny, I had these same thoughts as a kid, before I ever had a sip of alcohol. That sliver of deniability wasn't ever really there, but it served as an excuse to continue this cycle for so long, I still act like it's there. I have, however, proven that no amount of alcohol will make me permanently forget that I'm trans.

[luna nyan]

VeronicaLynn,

Your quest to do so is admirable, but the peace that you seek may be ephemeral.  I've been aware of my issues from the time I was 6, but I was a compliant child and didn't press the issue.

I've tried the three Ds - distraction, denial, and delusion, and with each one I found a short peace of sorts, and then my feelings always returned.  You have my admiration if you can carry on as is - do you have a strong support network?

Personally, I find that under stressful situations, the male construct that I carefully maintain begins to crumble.   Fortunately, my threshold is fairly high - the question always is, are my trans feelings an escape during those periods of time.  But introspection shows me that I can have dysphoric bouts to a lesser degree at other times.

I think that self acceptance is key - knowing ones true nature then allows one the process to make peace with oneself by taking appropriate steps.

[Satinjoy]

Although it is my personal quest to find a way to find peace with my gender issues without HRT and SRS, it may not be possible, and even if it is possible for me, it might not be for some, or perhaps most. I did have this peace, for the most part, when I was a child and a teenager. If I could have this peace in a teenage boy's testosterone filled body, why can't it be possible now?

I maybe could find peace more easily with HRT, that's not what I seek, at least not right now. I developed a number of bad habits in my attempt to not deal with these issues, and I feel like I need to deal with those first, especially my drinking, before I make permanent changes to my body. Although I'm doing a lot better, I still wonder if part of me is still using this as an excuse to not totally sober up for awhile, as in, this was all just some stupid thing I did when I was drunk and bored. If I were to be totally sober for weeks or months, and was still posting on here and wearing an outfit like this, I'd be totally sure that I'm trans, even though I already know that, there's still just that tiny sliver of deniability if I'm still drinking.

It's funny, I had these same thoughts as a kid, before I ever had a sip of alcohol. That sliver of deniability wasn't ever really there, but it served as an excuse to continue this cycle for so long, I still act like it's there. I have, however, proven that no amount of alcohol will make me permanently forget that I'm trans.

Oh boy.

I used trans as the excuse for alcohol.  In the end, alcohol is its own excuse, none others were needed, for I personally am an alcoholic.  That fact permeates every post I make.

What alcohol will do is create all kinds of ways for me to self deceive and give me bigger problems so that my trans problems become smaller in comparison. 

And, it gave me the excuse to be trans without any kind of guilt or social programming crap that is negative against trans.

The question then comes, is it bad to be trans.

I would scream out NO.

So then it moves into self acceptance, moreover, self embracing, for all of the positive things I continue to post about who we are.

I was born trans.  Under different nurturing, there would not have been an issue, just a normal perception that I am third gender.  Instead, the as----oles in life ate me for breakfast.

Nobody needs an excuse for alcohol.  It just is.  Nobody needs an excuse for being trans.  It just is too.  But, we are responsible for what happens as a result of booze, and for what needs to happen as a result of being born trans.  We need to accept this and all its consequences.  What are the consequences?  That answer is an individual one.

I also was born alcoholic, by the way.  One drink and its like a switch goes off in my head, feeling like I belong, happy, etc.  Until it came an inch from killing me from blood poisoning.

I'm not neg on drinking either, not if you can do it safely.  I am however neg on self deception because that has killed a number of my friends.

Don't read any kind of chastising tone here.  Just sharing what happened to me in case it helps.

[Satinjoy]

VeronicaLynn,

Your quest to do so is admirable, but the peace that you seek may be ephemeral.  I've been aware of my issues from the time I was 6, but I was a compliant child and didn't press the issue.

I've tried the three Ds - distraction, denial, and delusion, and with each one I found a short peace of sorts, and then my feelings always returned.  You have my admiration if you can carry on as is - do you have a strong support network?

Personally, I find that under stressful situations, the male construct that I carefully maintain begins to crumble.   Fortunately, my threshold is fairly high - the question always is, are my trans feelings an escape during those periods of time.  But introspection shows me that I can have dysphoric bouts to a lesser degree at other times.

I think that self acceptance is key - knowing ones true nature then allows one the process to make peace with oneself by taking appropriate steps.

Under stress I think all of our dysphoria levels generally go up.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that either.  Mine goes up.

My need to escape is fairly constant.  But what was I escaping from..... that turns out to be the big question for me.  Running away from...

Could drive myself nuts with it.

Self acceptance became the difference between insanity and joy.  It is a huge key in my life.  Not self tolerance.  Self acceptance.  Self respect.  For what really matters in my life.

The male is out, why is my male side out.... weird

I think our male components are all talking to each other and we start relating to each other differently

More fun... what a fascinating thing it is to be us

Be well