Tension

[ativan]

I put myself through what turned out to be far more stress than I had signed up for when I was twenty years old. Trying the man-up thing, to get rid of what seemed like another side of me that I had taken all I could stand while growing up. I thought it would work, it was a tough enough job to begin with. Not to long into it, things went horribly wrong around me and I felt I had no choice but to help others who need it. The stress was enormous. The intertwined thoughts that I still have and had back then, the ones I have referred to as reflections of gender for a lack of a better way to say it, started to become untwined (is that even a word?) and there became a separation, a dysphoric bout that I had no idea what it was about. I had a girl friend at the time, a transsexual who was doing well without, as far as I know, any HRT, no surgery and quite simply I took as who she was on her terms, which were some of the best of times during the worst of times. I wouldn't have made it past it all had it not been for her attitude and drive to just be.
But the stress levels continued, I took on even more stress in a different job description, to put that mildly. The increases in stress would bring about past memories and even further increase these routine divisions that I had no idea the effect they were having on me. I attributed them to the situation at the time and just told myself to buck up and continue on this same path. It really didn't take all that much time before things really did go horribly wrong for others and I ended up becoming a part of it as a witness and a participant. Bad move on my part, but one I couldn't turn away from. The split became so overwhelming it almost killed me by my reactions to it. I had no idea the damage that had been done. I don't know the real end of it, there is a lot of missing time involved with it, and I suspect numerous ECT's done bilaterally caused that.
It took until much the same thing happened, but to a lesser degree around five years ago with yet another ECT and memory loss that I suppose turned simply dreams into nightmare scenarios that along with the determination to find out what this stuff in my head was about. I learned about being trans, about how it was for me, and eventually found out a lot about those missing memories. That was when I realized just what the hell had happened and how I came to understand what this intertwined thinking was. More of the story came out and I'm still finding out more.

Stress, at least for me induced extreme dysphoria that I denied and accepted at the same time, I had no choice, no therapy, nothing to go on, with the exception of very patient girlfriend who just happened to be trans. But I still have to deal with the nightmares, they bring on fits of stress and dysphoria still, but I now know why. I read into this when I read comments here at times. I read what you all have written above and it just went off again, the same as when I read it the first time. Stress is such a major factor in this for me. I said yesterday that I have my own strategies. None of them involve anything that remotely is addicting with the exception of minor adrenaline rush's, the real addiction problem I do have. Alcohol, drugs, I've tried them all and they only induced even more of the need to push them because of the added stress that pushed on the effects of dysphoria.
I really don't know if it's anywhere near the same for those of you who have tried to dampen it through the use of alcohol and/or drugs. It simply doesn't work, ends up making things worse through the stress alone from to much of them. Even as a temporary escape they are a dangerous thing to fool with.
Low dose ended up being very key to my being able to live and not be walking around with a hidden anger that was barely under control, and sometime bits of it would come out anyways. I hate myself even more when that happens, because I know what the effects it will have on the dysphoria that still exists.

If you think you can find yourself, find a temporary release from dysphoria through this type of behavior, it will catch up with you eventually. I've tried to do this far too many times to know it's true.
Stop it, plain and simply said, much harder to actually do. But it is possible, you need to find the way. How you will go about it is for you to find, I'm no help with that. I'm one of those people who has a very high resistance to addictions from alcohol and drugs. But I have used them in quantities that are too far over the top and for far too long at times. It will always catch up to you.
You can't run away from the truth, it's durable in nature and withstands anything you throw at it.
Find a way. Look for the possibilities that don't seem to be there, they might show themselves to you, I don't know. But you will never know if you don't try. Again something easily said, but hard to do. But it needs to be done, you have to find yourself and come to terms with it,.. at the least get it under control in a way that will let you find a way to diminish it's effects, if not end the dysphoria once and for all. I know it's possible,it can be done. People have found ways that work for them, I have strategies that are working pretty well, ones that I can use. Find the strategies that will work for you.
Ativan

[Satinjoy]

Real quick and I want to hear back on this one

In therapy this week I asked what the h dysphoria is anyway, was told it was discomfort with the birth body, and that I would always have a measure of this.

In spite of heavy estrogen, which you know I love, I still have acceptable levels of dysphoria.  My boobs are too small, gut too big, shoulders large, and on an on, but it is slowly, slowly improving there.

Bottom line, is it possible for dysphoria to "go away".  What the heck is dysphoria anyway.  All I know is I feel better with the right hormones in me and with all these changes and therapy and Susans and you.

I don't think that is true for me, that I can stop dysphoria.  And having accepted that, I am totally fine with it, since I buy in that this is the truth for me as I understand it, I wont fight it, and it is the fighting that is destructive, in my case personally.  I don't fight it any more.  I have many ways of handling that, including being trans from the inside out, where body dysphoria is not relevant to presentations... a lady in a costume here, but still a lady, yet not a lady.  A Satinjoy.

But crystal clear, stuffing it or shutting it down with chemicals or running away from it is futile.  It has to be handled differently, for me, by understanding, centering, truth, and as far as E is concerned, that to me just repairs a hormone deficit.  I'm in a psych ward without it, or dead.

Thoughts?

[ativan]

If your body image bring mental anguish when you think about it, catch a glimpse in a mirror, hate those pics taken of you...
That's dysphoria.
It can be extreme anguish to the point of hating yourself, being angry at the world or universe.
It can be a bothersome thing that keeps you awake at night.
It can be a fleeting moment of discomfort in your thinking about self.
The degree to which it affects you, how you handle it is up to you to decide the outcome.
We all have a different way of perceiving it and reacting to it.
For some of us, it's personal. To some it's worthwhile to talk about.
I can talk about it, it's hard to talk about some of it's effects on me...
It really hard on me to talk about some of the things I have endured because of it.
I imagine that's pretty much how most of us feel at one time or another, maybe all the time for some.
Is it possible to get rid of it? Absolutely. Plenty of people have said they have done just that.
I believe them, but kind of feel that the memories of it sticks around, it's one of those things that you might never forget.
But the memories will fade, it will take prompting to remember them, the feeling will fade as well.
It's definitions are fuzzy around the edges.
Ativan

[Satinjoy]

I am going to sound a bit dumb now, and that's ok.

So, by changing my body too female, I now feel better, 90% more comfortable with it, even though no-op.  Postop would be in line with my image, but isn't practical.

So, now that I feel that way, now that I like what I see in the mirror, does that then by definition mean the dysphoria is mitigated, as in gotten rid of?

In other words, dysphoria is not describing a person who changed their sex, it describes how a person sees themselves in the mirror or socially as a mismatch from who they are to who they perceive in the mirror?

God help me if I trigger anyone in here.  But here is the thing, if there was a cure for dysphoria for me that did not involve hormones and transitioning, then I just put my family through total hell by accident by believing the only way out for me was hormonal.

I do feel quite good about my body and all that now.  Way, way better.

As to the memories of the pain, and the results, and what happened because, I don't know yours although it sounds horrific, but I do know mine, and  I do not for one second want to minimize anyone's experience in here with living as we have with our special challenge.

The anguish, fleeting moment, bothersome thing, hatred of pics, all of that, I identify with.  It took decades to accept photographs of me, I hated that face, not because it was male, but because the effects of DES were so obvious and I could see the trans in me I had been taught to hate, and then that I became, and now cherish, after a ton of work on myself.

To get rid of dysphoria.  If it means get a new body that is acceptable, I guess I am 90% to goal.  If it means not being an mtf nb transsexual, no, I doubt it.

I hope I did not misunderstand your post Ativan, I am trying to understand it through the mental filter of my own trans-ness and that can be a little hard to do.  And I am hijacking the thread because what I really want to do is help the OP, reinforcing the idea of low dose being great because it helps so many others here, accepting being trans, and learning how to turn that into a positive thing.

More thoughts?

Fuzzy definitions.  I like fuzzy things anyway.

100% agree with everything here by the way.  Just trying to understand this stuff, owning choices made, worrying about everyone else, staying sane.

Love to all... I keep being fluid today... it is interesting usually I am centered or quite female on the forum.

[luna nyan]

Every person is different.

I managed my dysphoria with binge/purge wardrobe cycles.  I know many on these forums feel guilty on these cycles, but to me, it was easier to deal with than head shrinking, HRT, and transition.  On each cycle I felt better at the end, purged, knowing that later I'd be rebuilding the wardrobe.

Didn't really acquire a taste for alcohol, and "recreational" drugs and their effects were just too plain nasty, thank The Lord.

I only moved onto low dose HRT as a means of controlling my dysphoria when I realised that the onset of middle age male changes were starting, and I knew I was at risk.  That's worked out for me - I know I'm always going to be trans, but if I delay transition for 10 years, or avoid it altogether, I've won.

[Allyda]

Truthfully, my only dysphoria left is genital. To me what's between my legs is so wrong I can't even stand to see it or worse, touch it when going to the bathroom. As I've said in another thread, I keep a large dish towel by my toilet to throw over my crotch even while peeing. While my hrt has tamed and nearly abolished other types of dysphoria I was suffering, It hasn't put a dent in my genital dysphoria. Only SRS will do that which, if all goes well I'll be having this December. For me I must go all the way, for life isn't worth living otherwise.

I truly do feel for the discomforts those of you commenting in this thread are going through. And it has been very interesting in my understanding of my transgender sisters whom are able to get by without hrt or surgery.

Allie

[Satinjoy]

I had a long chat again with an mtf close friend who found me on the forum and invervened during the second crash.

I clarified some things, how lucky I am, how stable I am, and how unstable I got as a result of overwhelming stress out there in the life on life's terms scenarios.

This idea of curing dysphoria, I think it's so unique to so many of us, each of us totally different, as Ativan has said, each with our own unique solutions.

I don't currently have any dysphoric pain, and am discovering new ways of self perception and freedom all the time.  Very much at peace with my body, and now again my face and hair - perception is reality I see the girl with the short hair again, and can ignore the facial hair that is my gift to my wife, and my political statement now about being genderqueer.

But I have had serious therapy, have serious friends on this board in here, have serious prayer partners who are normies and know my secret and the angst it causes me when the Christians go after us, since I am very serious in that relationship to the Lord... I brought every weapon I have to bear on surviving hitting the wall of trans, and it has worked excedingly well for the last two months, since I came here to the NB forum from the MTF forum.

All of which is to affirm what each of us are saying here.  It's different for all of us.  We all cope differently.

I need everyones prayer support please or if not that then your forum support.  I am really out of control at work, too much stress, it is at extreme levels now, and the only thing holding me together is my faith, this forum, and oddly enough, being this unique transsexual that seems to be so different from everyone everywhere, yet somehow is so the same.

I would hate to survive transitioning GQ and then lose all over economics and being unable to focus at work due to other issues or due to the side effects of HRT, which will pass, but I have to get through that period of brain fog where the serums rise and the doses increase.  I should be really close to that now.

Me, me me, I am sick of me always in the threads talking about me.  Its supposed to be about you, your needs, your discomfort, how you can feel better and more safe being who you are, how you can enjoy living in your body and accept your core self unconditionally and be free of judging yourself for being trans, and then hopefully in that security get more free and relaxed socially.

Its the weekend I probably will be off forum, focussing on the family's needs.

Been a while Ally, nice  to hear from you sweatie.  I love your innocence girl, and I know you struggle.

Blessings.   Relaxing gq and about 80% transition, my normal home presentation, what a gift that is.  Just missing the dress wig and heels, the rest is just genuine me, physically both male and female now.  Just depends on the angle of the lighting, where your eyes may land, and above all, its the smoke and mirrors of perception from the binary or non binary glasses we wear coloring how we see what we see.

I'm a little unstable tonight, my appologies to the forum.  It happens, but I'm a whole lot better than I used to be.

Love to all here.

[helen2010]

This thread keeps on giving.  It keeps generating new thoughts and old memories.  In the past I knew that stress typically kicked off an overwhelming need to cross dress.  Much later this and other symptoms led me to being diagnosed as TG.

I know my dysphoria is real, that it has only strengthened over time, that it can be managed by low dose HRT.   Like others my endo encourages me to take responsibility for dialling the dosage to meet my objectives.

Yes there is an element of physical dysphoria but I don't seek or need a binary transition.   I like minor physical change and I have had FAS (FFs with and andro objective), hours of facial and body hair removal, and flexed my presentation, but I feel non binary to the core. 

If emotional dysphoria is a meaningful term, then this is where my dysphoria finds full expression.   Having accessed the emotional depth and sensate life that HRT provides,  I wonder whether this is more critical to me than physical change.  When I have stopped or dialled back HRT too far, the return of emotional dysphoria or blindness is crippling.

This makes me wonder, whether the original urge to cross dress, which intensified when under stress, was and has nothing to do with a need for physical change, rather it was all about satisfying a desperate need for a richer life and spiritual experience.

Not sure this makes a lot of sense, as it already feels contradictory.  Perhaps the physical, the emotional and presentation dysphoria are each important, but differently weighted over time, inextricably linked and interdependent.

Safe travels

Aisla

[ativan]

I was going to answer SJ's comment after mine, got sidetracked, SJ know's why, a temporary look at something else.
Looks like it has generated a better answer that I had anyways.

Luna, cycles, yep. It seems to cycle a lot for me, smaller ones inside of bigger ones.

Allie, hope all goes well this Dec. When it's bad it's really bad. The kind that I never want to see anyone have to go through.
It's really nice that your day is coming, it seems to be happening for more people all the time, always nice to hear about.

Aisla, It is contradictory. Always the same but different for everyone. The most perplexing thing about talking about it.

It holds back suggestions for some, makes suggestions for others hard to follow.
The diversity for all trans people when it comes to dysphoria seems to be in this same kind of thing, that no matter what we say or do, it's different, yet we all relate at the same time.
The different levels and the different types that we go through, the language we use, none of it seems to be all that helpful, yet it is because we all know and care deeply about it not only for ourselves but for everyone.
Those who are lucky to have it be nonexistent or at such low levels to be nothing more than bothersome, I think you relate on your own levels as well.
There are so many different things that can cause so many different ways we feel about it, it is a very complex thing, the single biggest reason any of us who use a therapist, this is usually why.
There isn't a drug that is directly used to stop it, there are a number that can help, but that's all, just help and even that can be questionable for some.
No handbook, if there was it would be so big and clunky that by the time you got through it, it would either trigger it in a different way or simply drive you crazy with the complexity of it all.
Yet there is always the simplest of comments that can be made and they can and often do click something into place to at the least make it better or more bearable.
I have referred to it as the pain of being before. What we go though to avoid that pain. It's strong in what it can do.
Sure there are other things in life that that could be said the same of, but this is one that is confined to places like this forum and other places like it.
Not much in the way of proven or even studies done on it, let alone what to do with it, we are left to our own devices.
As much as I hate it and so many of us do, it does have that one thing about it though, we can relate on different levels and we do.
Might not sound like much, but when I think about that, it seems to help in itself, along with helping with other things.
Makes us special, dammit, even if it does hurt. So, you're special in a way you don't want to be, but we do it together and that's what I mean.

SJ, "Me, me me, I am sick of me always in the threads talking about me.  Its supposed to be about you, your needs, your discomfort, how you can feel better and more safe being who you are, how you can enjoy living in your body and accept your core self unconditionally and be free of judging yourself for being trans, and then hopefully in that security get more free and relaxed socially."
Hah! I think this way all the time when I post things and use myself as a reference.
I think quite a few of us feel this way when writing about ourselves.
It is about you, and when it is it's just so you and appreciated around here.
I for one, wouldn't have it any other way for you, or anyone else.
You and everyone else who talks about their experiences are always adding something to the boards, never taking away.
Tell you what. You get out of hand and I will be forced to send you something in your inbox, so there. 
You and everyone have a good weekend. You deserve one.
Ativan

[VeronicaLynn]

Truthfully, my only dysphoria left is genital. To me what's between my legs is so wrong I can't even stand to see it or worse, touch it when going to the bathroom. As I've said in another thread, I keep a large dish towel by my toilet to throw over my crotch even while peeing. While my hrt has tamed and nearly abolished other types of dysphoria I was suffering, It hasn't put a dent in my genital dysphoria. Only SRS will do that which, if all goes well I'll be having this December. For me I must go all the way, for life isn't worth living otherwise.

I truly do feel for the discomforts those of you commenting in this thread are going through. And it has been very interesting in my understanding of my transgender sisters whom are able to get by without hrt or surgery.

Allie

The majority of my dysphoria is social, the pretty much the rest of it genital, though nowhere near as bad as that. I just don't really care about secondary traits all that much, but I'm also blessed to have a pretty androgynous body and face with relatively little body hair, I might feel differently in a different male body. I don't really feel bad looking in the mirror, if anything, I can't help staring at my beautiful naturally androgynous look, that I help along with the right clothes and hairstyle. 

I also love it when women flirt with me when I nail my androgynous look, which I don't always, and then they don't flirt with me. Too far femme, and I'm unattractive to them, to far masculine, and I'm just another guy to them. It's what I live for, for her to make all the big moves, it really has to be that way, but a lot of women won't for whatever social reason.

Luna, I hope it's not ephemeral. I basically have no support network. Yeah, I do that too, thinking about this has been my escape from other pressures from time to time. I'm not sure how to totally accept it, maybe if I do ever totally sober up I will, that others are able to deal with this sober does give me strength. 

[luna nyan]

Luna, I hope it's not ephemeral. I basically have no support network. Yeah, I do that too, thinking about this has been my escape from other pressures from time to time. I'm not sure how to totally accept it, maybe if I do ever totally sober up I will, that others are able to deal with this sober does give me strength.

Some would say empower yourself and take control of your situation and feelings.
If you're drinking a lot, get that under control first - I think it'd be hard to make a fair judgement call on yourself while under the influence so to speak.

My own personal support network is thin as well, but I am content.  My personal experience was that gender peace was not possible without HRT - yours may differ of course.

[luna nyan]

Oh, and I had no idea that this thread would resonate so deeply with so many.  It is reassuring to know others go through the same.  Thank you all.

[EchelonHunt]

I had my doubts when I first read this thread due to taking what you said the wrong way and I apologize for that!

But the past week or so, due to struggling with my identity, I have reached a deeper understanding of what you have discussed. No need to thank us, thank YOU! 

[luna nyan]

SJ,

Take care of yourself.  Work is a means to an end, bonus and blessed if you enjoy your work.
Keep focus and compartmentalise, you'll get through it.

Luna

[Cindy]

Interesting discussion.

Question: Do we cure GD or deal with it?
SJ and Luna, for their circumstantial reasons try to deal with it. Low dose HRT semi acceptance etc.

But given a chance would you cure it?

Since you know there is a cure, what is the logic of your argument?

I can't personally deal with it.
My family will (perceived?) suffer from it.
My social/economic/work standing will suffer (again perceived?).

I was in the same or similar place and fought like crazy, in the end my life was too important (selfish and I have no kids).
But if I did have kids it was a certainty that they may not have a father anyway. My social standing and professional standing ended up being minor to my being able to live.

It was not an easy decision, and yes I still suffer consequences. But I'm happy.

Thoughts?

[luna nyan]

Question: Do we cure GD or deal with it?
SJ and Luna, for their circumstantial reasons try to deal with it. Low dose HRT semi acceptance etc.

I would call it non surgical management. =)
As far as I'm concerned, GID is managed, not necessarily cured.  The crux of the matter for me has always been what is the best management method.

But given a chance would you cure it?

For me, a true cure would either remove the dysphoric feelings completely and permanently without altering my current abilities (both physical and mental), or make me biologically functional as a female (ie have the appropriate biological bits and have possibility of reproduction).  I'm narky for myself in that way.  For others, the current treatment modalities may be more than acceptable and have been proven to be so.

Part of the reason I never transitioned was that I had reservations about the current treatments available and whether or not the final outcomes would have been satisfactory for my admittedly OCD standards of health care.  It was the the feather that tipped things in the direction of non-transition when I was in my 20s.

If the possibility of either of my criteria for a cure were possible.  Yes I would cure it in a half beat.  Otherwise, it's current course as is until I can go no further.

Cindy, PM me if there are additional details that you want to ask that may help in your prep work for ANZPATH.

[VeronicaLynn]

Some would say empower yourself and take control of your situation and feelings.
If you're drinking a lot, get that under control first - I think it'd be hard to make a fair judgement call on yourself while under the influence so to speak.

My own personal support network is thin as well, but I am content.  My personal experience was that gender peace was not possible without HRT - yours may differ of course.

Am technically sober right now, didn't really drink that much last night, though still a bit hungover feeling, as I always do these days when I'm not drunk. At this point, it's actually harder to deal with being non-binary when I'm drunk. It's so new a concept, that my old way of thinking tends to come back. I don't really want to totally quit, because I love to party, but I must for at least a short while to cement my new understanding of gender.

I don't think being non-binary is bad thing, it's certainly not something so terrible that I can't handle sober. Neither is becoming a MTF, it just doesn't seem the right path for me at this time. I think this path I'm heading down leads to something wonderful, though I guess this stretch of the path doesn't have any bars along the way. There are a lot of bars where it leads, but there's so much more there, I might not spend much time in them.

I'm sure one day they'll be an easy cure for this, as well as most everything else, by transplanting your brain into a perfect brainless body of your choice grown in a lab, though that day is probably 500 years from now.

[ativan]

Does sound like a good time to consider quitting drinking.
Going into any realization when drinking is essentially cheating yourself of all that it has to offer.
The last time I hung out in bars was when I realized they had become my support system.
Not the people, the bars themselves. Not a very good support system.
It was weird at first, but the longer I stayed away, the less I felt like going back.
There was a day that I did go back to the main bar in my life and there they were, the same bar stools, the same people.
To them, it was like old home week. To me, they were drunks.
Try going bar hopping without drinking once, you'll see the difference right away.
It's pretty sobering in itself.
It didn't take long before a lot of opportunities to have fun open up, I had missed them before while sitting in a bar.
Ativan

[VeronicaLynn]

Actually managed to stay sober this late by spending the day out shopping, and trying everything on. Picked up a few androgynous items from both sides of the stores. Did pick up some wine at the grocery store as my last stop. There were a bunch of drunk fat old guys in the store, being all obnoxious. That half makes me not want to drink, but I will because I wasn't planning on going cold turkey, but I'll keep it to a minimum, so I can go shopping again tomorrow. Not sure that's really a healthy addiction either, at least for my pocketbook. I am still developing my style, and enjoy doing that sober.

[Satinjoy]

As a sober alcoholic I have to comment something, but what....

Only that if it pulls on you, and it does not do that to "normies", and if it starts to screw with your life on any level, why not check out an AA meeting and see if you like it?

I came in to a meeting to get a free cup of coffee because I couldn't afford to buy one, and my life changed forever.

As to dealing with dysphoria, and the cure...

The answer for me is to be true to myself.  My inner core.   Total honesty. 

Cure for me?  Born trans? Can't see it, can only see becoming free to be me, while sensitive to loved ones needs, whether transphobic or not.  Wife deserves to see the guy she married from the neck up, I made a sacred vow and I will keep it.  Yes I do whatever in necessary to rationalize the unacceptable into the acceptable, for I must choose the lesser of two pain levels, dysphoric pain and mild rejection or at least no validation of trans by the one I love the most in this world, or the agony of being alone, losing everything, and quite possibly losing my life as a result.

So I choose the rationalization and then turn the whole thing into the most positive force of living trans as I can, making shock waves as a result that are strong enough to change attitudes, perceptions, respect and bring new understandings of who we are and who we can become.

Had I not been able to see through the binary perception to the falsity (FOR ME ONLY) of going to FTE female, then surely the shear power of dysphoria would have me seeking surgery and becoming a stacked female f-ck me doll.  No disrespect, it is where it would take me personally, I know myself to well.  I was one of these uncontrollable girls before I quit drinking, just without the t-ts. The last time I was in a bar, except to perform vocally, I was on my usual mission to get screwed. By anyone.  Lucky for me I'd pass out first. I couldn't accept being trans, then when I'd had enough booze, onto the dance floor I would go, a bottle of champaigne in one hand and a vial of amyl nitrate in the other, shirt unbuttoned revealing the cami under it, and the guys knew a good peice of a.s was theirs if they wanted it.  My life unchecked.  Who I was, who I am if I pick up one drink.

So whats at stake for me here.

I'll take the love of an unselfish normie girl, intimacy without penetrations, love without limits, incense and candles and oils and music and laughter and having a home and kids... I'll take that any time over surrendering to a pure physical dysphoria hell bent on destroying the life I so carefully attempted to build, spiritually and physically.

And I still get to  go to a very heavy genderqueer presentation with her, you can see right through the nylon tee shirts to what lies underneath.  The gift of this is unimaginable in its grace to me.  Would I like to be fully transitioned at rest, wigged and in heals and makeup and nylons and a nice skirt or dress like the Avatar that shows me actually quite accurately in full transition?  Absolutely.  But I can't.  My wife can't handle it, not her fault, its who she is.  But she accomodates my need to have "satinjoy time", she grasps that it is necessary to my mental survival.

Blessings and love to all here.