Am I really Trans?

[Hannah Samira]

Hello ladies!!

This is my first post and I'm fairly new here so I'm sorry if it's in the wrong section and whatnot

My name is Sophie (at least that's what I go by on here) and I am pre-everything regarding my transition. I wanted to share a bit about myself to see your opinions on whether I am truly transgender or not.

I have had these feelings from the age of about 6 and started crossdressing in private at 13. I am now 18 and out to nobody as I'm not in a good position to do so - it would destroy my very religious family. I myself am also religious and don't want to change that but I worry about the affect it will have on my family. I know for a fact that they won't take it well - my dad frequently expresses a hatred towards the lgbt community and my sister has previously said that transpeople scare her. I am not exaggerating or being dramatic when I say that my dad may kill himself if he finds out, it would mean that much to him.

I sometimes wonder whether I am transgender at all - I like most masculine things and although I'm not particularly manly, I'm not all feminine either. Looking at me with my masculine nose, hands, 5'10" frame and size 10 feet people see nothing but a straight man.

I can't remember a day going by where at some point I would dream and pray that I would be female one day - it has pretty much taken over my private life.

As I said before I am not in a position to be coming out, neither am I in a position to attend therapy, crossdress regularly, grow my hair out, etc.

I know it's unreliable but I have taken the COGIATI test with scores ranging from 220-250
               
I just hope to hear your opinions on this and if anybody has been in a similar situation I would love to hear your stories!!

Sorry this was so long!!

Sophie xx                                     

[V M]

Hi Sophie 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Yulaiyre]

Firstly, welcome to the site, I'm relatively new here too!

and in regards to your question, I am by no means a replacement for an actual 1 to 1 therapist, but to me you sound trans, or at the very least you are on the...'spectrum' for want of a better word.
I know you say you are not in a position to seek therapy, but it may end up doing you a world of good.

Hope that things go well for you sophie. ♥

[Kaydee]

You say:

I can't remember a day going by where at some point I would dream and pray that I would be female one day - it has pretty much taken over my private life.

and that certainly sounds like you are trans in some sense of the word.  But the only person who can determine if you are trans is yourself.   I understand the religious restrictions - my wife is very conservative dChristian and we can't talk about my being trans as it is not really part of her world view.  It can be very tough.

Ir you are trans this is not going to go away or get better on its own.  Over itme it will just get worse and your body will continue to become more masculine.   You should do something about this soon.

You really need to see a (non-religious) counselor/therapist and work this out.  You might tell people you are seeing the therapist for issues relating to depression (which you probably are if you are trying to hide all this.)   

[traci_k]

Hi Sophie,

Welcome to the forum. Since you're not in a position to seek therapy, search out all the information you can. It sounds like you may be on the TG spectrum but not necessarily Trans, but those feelings could change as you get older and greater Gender Dysphoria. You probably don't want to get involved with anyone at church. Marrying a girl, especially if she is fundamentally religious and you are Trans will cause worse problems down the road. Believe me, I married a fundamentalist Christian because I fell in love, didn't tell her thinking this was all past, with the blinders of a new relationship.

As for the COGIATI, it is relatively useless as a diagnostic tool for being Trans. It deals with a lot of stereotypes and you can easily manipulate the results depending who you are feeling at the moment. It's about as useful as the survey's in the Ladies Home Journal - maybe interesting, but definitely not a diagnostic tool.

Your best bet - find a job with an Employee Assistance Program - this will allow you a few visits with a therapist who can begin to help you sort things out. Weird thing about being Trans - you are the one ultimately that has to make the diagnosis. The therapist can only help you sort through the issues. Once you are out on your own, you can explore your feelings more. Remember, ultimately, being Trans isn't some part time thing, it's living FULL TIME as a woman. Unless you're ready for that, perhaps you can just explore crossdressing.

Wishing you the best!

Hugs,

[helen2010]

Hi Sophie,

Welcome to the forum. Since you're not in a position to seek therapy, search out all the information you can. It sounds like you may be on the TG spectrum but not necessarily Trans, but those feelings could change as you get older and greater Gender Dysphoria. You probably don't want to get involved with anyone at church. Marrying a girl, especially if she is fundamentally religious and you are Trans will cause worse problems down the road. Believe me, I married a fundamentalist Christian because I fell in love, didn't tell her thinking this was all past, with the blinders of a new relationship.

Remember, ultimately, being Trans isn't some part time thing, it's living FULL TIME as a woman. Unless you're ready for that, perhaps you can just explore crossdressing.

Wishing you the best!

Hugs,

Sophie

Good advice here. Self knowledge, understanding, acceptance and expression takes time.  You may be trans* and you may not.  A good gender therapist will help you find your way.

In many ways there are as many genders as there are folk.  Even simplistically, and this is way over simplified, there is binary male, binary female and non binary.  You may strongly identify as any one of these, you may be fluid or you may find that you are not trans* at all, which is why a qualified therapist is quite essential.  In the meantime there is a lot of research that you can do, there is a massive amount of information right here on Susans and our family is extremely diverse.  Each of us is here for each other, here to listen, to share and to support.  Further down the road you may choose to manage your situation in a number of ways ranging from life style changes through low dose hrt through partial or through a full binary transition.  Because we are all so different the standard trans* narrative (even if there is one) may not apply.

Taking it a step at a time is normally the least stressful and easiest approach.  You can over think this.  It is your narrative.  You are  unique.  You get to choose your journey, its speed and its direction.  The initial destination may or may not be your final destination.  The journey is, in many ways, more important than the destination.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Lonicera]

I appreciate that external input can be vital but such a fundamental question is something incredibly integral to you and your future so I'd argue it's important that conclusions are utterly your own, Sophie, so you have control over your life. People can help guide you to realisations but you're the one that ultimately achieves them.

Having said that, I hope you don't mind me writing the following and hope it doesn't bias you in any way:

I sometimes wonder whether I am transgender at all - I like most masculine things and although I'm not particularly manly, I'm not all feminine either.

I don't think liking masculine things or not being feminine necessarily means you're not trans, just as meeting every stereotype in the world doesn't automatically make a person trans either. There's no single correct way to be trans or not-trans/cisgender and no single correct way to express your gender, each person's experience is uniquely valid. After all, there are countless women that adore activities traditionally viewed as masculine and engaging in those things doesn't make their fundamental identity less valid. They remain women because that's what they view themselves as.

For me, masculinity and femininity are just one aspect of gender, the definitions are often indicative of archaic and restrictive stereotypes of what's appropriate for people of a given gender to do in life. They are increasingly being broken down and they are not things with the power to determine the legitimacy of your identity alone.

I'd suggest cautiously and kindly asking yourself about the motivation behind your appreciation for masculine or feminine things if you haven't already and think it would help. For example, why do you engage in them? Is it simply because they make you happy? Is it because it's all you've ever known? Is there an attraction because you're seeking things that make your identity feel more valid? Are you trying to convince yourself something is true? Etc. I found the answers to questions like that incredibly helpful, I apologise if you don't find, or haven't found, them useful.

Above all, good luck with exploring yourself in life and as a member. I hope you find the happy life you deserve as quickly as possible. I can't imagine the pressure you're under right now and wish you the best in finding future options for exploring your gender in a way that brings you helpful answers. You inherently deserve better than to be lost in draining questions.

[Hannah Samira]

Wow!! I wasn't expecting such informative and helpful replies!! I'm hopefully going to university this year and if I live away from home I may be able to look in to therapy, obviously I'd have to get a part-time job to afford it!!

Really appreciate all the advice you've given me!!
Love you all!! xxx

[Tessa James]

Very good to hear that you are planning on a university education.  Most colleges have an LGBTQ student group or club and many will also have counseling available for low to no cost.  I very much agree with the posts our sisters have made and consider it very good advice.  As a senior citizen who recalls some of those same early feelings you shared I can assure you that these feelings do not go away.  If you are transgender no amount of denial, repression or avoidance will fix it.  Many of us have gone to great lengths to be and act like the man people expected of us.  Ask around on this site and most of us will agree that didn't work either.  A common refrain from those who have accepted themselves and are in transition is; I wish I had done this years ago!  I believe you can find great advice and a wealth of shared experience right here.  A therapist is great help but not essential-IMO

I did not want to be transgender, I wanted to be the mom with babies I once felt was my real destiny.  Instead I too grew up with the testosterone induced characteristics of a typical male with the hands, height and build to match.  I still love some stereotypical male activities.  Those outward characteristics and gender roles do not determine our intrinsic identity.  Women have clearly demonstrated to me that there really isn't anything they cannot do!  Your identity and the gender you feel really are up to you to determine. 

Be yourself Sophie.  Be the most genuine article you can feel inside.  Good and even gorgeous looks will come and go, friends and family too but that internal image is with you all the way.

[Illuminess]

There is a persistent underlying feeling that says "I am not male" or "I am not female", and that's the determining factor above everything else. How one chooses to live, what interests they have, their life philosophy, and everything else are just part of your personality that has developed over the years. There are cis-women who are into masculine things and present that way, and cis-men who are drawn to femininity to whatever degree, as well. So, why would a transgender person be any different? That's one of the things that always bugs me. You say you're MTF and everyone just assumes you're going to be the spitting image of Barbie. What about those of us who feel "butch"? I mean, I definitely want to present myself so that I'm obviously not male, but I can't see myself wearing dresses, heels and getting my nails done. I doubt I'll ever participate in anything stereotypical, but I still know who I am inside. What other people think is irrelevant, really. Do what you feel is right for you, not right for your family or your community. It's not easy, but reaching that point of transition is far better on your emotional well-being than dealing with immense dysphoria the rest of your life. We're all very different, but it doesn't make us any less trans.

[Susan522]

I too am a senior citizen and I too experienced what is being described by Hannah at pretty much the same age.  My family was also Old Country, Old School Catholic.

So what did I do?  I prayed long and hard.  I needed to understand just how this was supposed to work out.  Interestingly since there was no internet, there was no "trans* community".  There was the gay community, the drag queens and the butch and femme lesbians.

There was also my university library which had essentially nothing of note.
The question for me was really very simple.  HOW] was I going to trans-form my body to match who I simply was, despite my physical form.

Things have changed a great deal since my prayers were answered.  Nevertheless, the question for you is NOT whether you are trans* or not, or where on the TG "spectrum" you might choose, (or discover yourself) to be.
The question that I think should be answered is, are you male, female. 

For me being non-binary, or trans, is a choice, and not a particularly wise choice.

[Illuminess]

It's really disheartening how religions are so rigid and bigoted when it comes to identity, and it's primarily Abrahamic religions. Even in some occult circles they bad mouth going against binary standards as the purpose of spiritual illumination might somehow be skewed. What most people don't know is that in ancient cultures — large civilizations as well as smaller indigenous tribes — they exalted androgyny as a sign of spiritual evolution.

In Hermetic (Egyptian) philosophy there are the principles of Gender and Polarity. They say that gender is in everything, and in balance with each other. The Polarity Principle explains that all things exist in a spectrum. There is no absolute Light or absolute Dark. They are just two fixed points on a spectrum. Where does Light end and Darkness begin? They just move between each other fluidly. Modern religion has removed these mystical elements, and thus they have been removed from society altogether.

Despite all of that there is still the biological element. Humans are susceptible to thousands of genetic anomalies. This is empirical. So the possibility of someone being born with the outer shell of a male, but with the neurology of a female (and everything in between) is not absurd. Maybe it should be if our nature was perfect, but it isn't. Thanks to advances in medicine we can make adjustments that best fit the brain. Some might say that's like playing God, but if you ask me, we are gods. "Let us make man in our image and with our likeness." We have the intelligence and the skills to create or to manipulate life. If such a thing was forbidden then it shouldn't have been part of our design.

So, it only makes sense to modify the body as necessary for one's sanity. I'd think it would be more of an abomination to allow yourself to be in a state of imbalance.

[peky]

close your eyes and tell yourself out loud: "I am a Girl, and I am going to be myself"

How do you feel ?

[Susan522]

Despite all of that there is still the biological element. Humans are susceptible to thousands of genetic anomalies. This is empirical. So the possibility of someone being born with the outer shell of a male, but with the neurology of a female (and everything in between) is not absurd. Maybe it should be if our nature was perfect, but it isn't. Thanks to advances in medicine we can make adjustments that best fit the brain. Some might say that's like playing God, but if you ask me, we are gods. "Let us make man in our image and with our likeness." We have the intelligence and the skills to create or to manipulate life. If such a thing was forbidden then it shouldn't have been part of our design.

So, it only makes sense to modify the body as necessary for one's sanity. I'd think it would be more of an abomination to allow yourself to be in a state of imbalance.

I like how you think.

[Illuminess]

I like how you think.

I like how I think, too.

[Hannah Samira]

Very good to hear that you are planning on a university education.  Most colleges have an LGBTQ student group or club and many will also have counseling available for low to no cost.

I'm from England and having just researched, I can't find any evidence of universities helping in a financial way when I get there I will have to do more searching

Be yourself Sophie.  Be the most genuine article you can feel inside.

awww, that's really sweet Tessa!! Thank you!! <3 xxx

Modern religion has removed these mystical elements, and thus they have been removed from society altogether.

I completely agree, there's so much more that's been removed too!! I could yak for hours about this, how long have you got!? xxx

[Lonicera]

I'm from England and having just researched, I can't find any evidence of universities helping in a financial way when I get there I will have to do more searching

I apologise if this is condescending and you've already thought about it but won't you have to register with a local GP when at university? If so then I'd suggest that maybe you could show them a copy of the NHS England Interim Gender Dysphoria Protocol and request referral to the nearest Gender Identity Clinic (listed in Appendix 6) while using your university address for any mail so your family doesn't find out. Naturally, the referral can take a shockingly long time but perhaps it's at least an option for accessing specialist therapists in case you can't get the money for private therapy via working while studying?

As an aside, my university has lots of discretionary funds that could be applied for in varying circumstances, is it possible yours does too and you could 'selectively' construct a convincing case for some of those funds while studying to get a little money towards it?

[Hannah Samira]

I apologise if this is condescending and you've already thought about it but won't you have to register with a local GP when at university? If so then I'd suggest that maybe you could show them a copy of the NHS England Interim Gender Dysphoria Protocol and request referral to the nearest Gender Identity Clinic (listed in Appendix 6) while using your university address for any mail so your family doesn't find out. Naturally, the referral can take a shockingly long time but perhaps it's at least an option for accessing specialist therapists in case you can't get the money for private therapy via working while studying?

As an aside, my university has lots of discretionary funds that could be applied for in varying circumstances, is it possible yours does too and you could 'selectively' construct a convincing case for some of those funds while studying to get a little money towards it?

Not condescending at all yes I will have to register with my local GP and while they may refer me, I think I will still have to pay full price for counselling which is pretty hefty on a student budget. Luckily I don't drink so that's a huge chunk saved there!!

As for the discretionary funds, I wasn't aware of this at all. Thank you for bringing it up, I will definitely look in to it!! xxx

[GenTechJ]

As someone who is currently seeking counseling and trying to transition, a friend of mine summed it up for me the best when I first told him. Now before I lead into what he told me, I've been dealing with not feeling right since middle school. I never bought into the whole "boys play with GI Joes and girls play with Barbies" mentality. I liked both, hoping to instill the same mindset in my son that he can like whatever he wants regardless of "oh, that's a girl thing. oh, that's a boy thing" mentality.

On to what my friend told me. When I first told him that I wanted to change my gender, but due to my age and role as a parent, I was hesitant. He asked me one question: "Do you have any doubts, or just fears?". I told him I had no doubts, but a lot of fears. His response: "If you had told me you doubted it at any point I would've told you to not do it. But since you don't doubt yourself, I say you should do it. I will stand beside you and try to help any fears you may have, and I know your family, they will help you too"

Now, I know your family is not an option at this point. But the main thing you need to ask yourself is, first and foremost, is who you are. If you can answer that and find that you are physically the wrong gender, then the second question is do you have any doubts. And note, doubt is not the same as fear. Doubt is uncertainty, and a good indication you should do more soul seeking. But then again I'm no therapist or counselor and what I say and anyone else here says is no substitute for one. But we are here to support you and each other, so we are giving our best opinions to your question.

All that said, welcome to the forums and I hope we've been able to help you.

[Hannah Samira]

As someone who is currently seeking counseling and trying to transition, a friend of mine summed it up for me the best when I first told him. Now before I lead into what he told me, I've been dealing with not feeling right since middle school. I never bought into the whole "boys play with GI Joes and girls play with Barbies" mentality. I liked both, hoping to instill the same mindset in my son that he can like whatever he wants regardless of "oh, that's a girl thing. oh, that's a boy thing" mentality.

On to what my friend told me. When I first told him that I wanted to change my gender, but due to my age and role as a parent, I was hesitant. He asked me one question: "Do you have any doubts, or just fears?". I told him I had no doubts, but a lot of fears. His response: "If you had told me you doubted it at any point I would've told you to not do it. But since you don't doubt yourself, I say you should do it. I will stand beside you and try to help any fears you may have, and I know your family, they will help you too"

Now, I know your family is not an option at this point. But the main thing you need to ask yourself is, first and foremost, is who you are. If you can answer that and find that you are physically the wrong gender, then the second question is do you have any doubts. And note, doubt is not the same as fear. Doubt is uncertainty, and a good indication you should do more soul seeking. But then again I'm no therapist or counselor and what I say and anyone else here says is no substitute for one. But we are here to support you and each other, so we are giving our best opinions to your question.

All that said, welcome to the forums and I hope we've been able to help you.

I feel like I've got quite a few fears and only the one main doubt that I talked about. I really do think now that I should be looking for therapy! I'm on holiday at the moment so I will definitely start researching when I get back!! xxx