Back to the Heartland of Hate

[Jera]

Tomorrow I will be taking a ten day trip back home, where my family is. The closer this gets, the more I'm really starting to fear it.

I dearly want to spend some small amount time with them, and hopefully visit my nieces. I'm not honestly sure that will happen though, since my siblings barely tolerate me now. I think maybe I just want let them know I do love them, and always will, even though when I begin my transition I may well never see them again. If they don't let me visit, that's going to hurt. Even if they do, it's going to be unbearable, having to endure their constant bigotry and sermons of hate about all things that don't fit their worldview.

My friends (who I'm actually staying with for the week) might not be any better. We've been through a lot over the years, and I do love them, but the racism, sexism, homophobia and bigotry can be a little much in the best of times. And I'm not in the best of times right now.

In the month since I began trying to accept myself, I've become seriously unstable. With several months to go before I can afford therapy, this place has been a fantastic resource, with nearly a decade of advice and insight available at a very quick search. Not to mention the wonderful support you amazing people offer, just because. You all do so much to center me. With no internet access, I'm left to my own devices.

Maybe I can, at least, visit the forest that was my childhood refuge whenever I needed to run away, hide and not be found, and be safe from all this. That much will be peaceful, at least.

But ten days is a long, long time when you are trapped in your head, alone. I hope it's worth it, and it doesn't lead to my total meltdown. I'll need more luck and strength than I think I have.

[mrs izzy]

Journal

Everyone who is starting out or is in transition should journal.

Its a good way to see how you are doing.

Also each entry give a smiley, sad, sick or other face to show your feelings.

When you have 3 days in a row of the same smiley then its time to rejoice if its 3 happy or find some help if 3 bad smileys.

Also you are early in this process and have not had any official diagnosis and should keep your feelings at check with the family.

Never a cart before the horse.

So write till your blue if you have to. Rant or tell the wonderful story if that is what is on your mind.

Stay safe, Hugs.

[Felix]

I think you should keep your shields up and your expectations low for everything except for that forest. The last few times I went back to visit old family or friends I was treated coldly to my face and with wild gossip behind my back. I felt like I needed to at least try, so I don't regret my attempts to maintain ties or say goodbye, but I treat the idea of returning to old homes now the same way I would treat the idea of playing catch with live hand grenades.

Good luck. I hope you get as much value as possible out of the visit. Try to keep in mind that your old home and the people there aren't the whole world. Walks in your forest sound like an excellent fallback if loved ones make you uncomfortable.

[Jera]

Journal

Everyone who is starting out or is in transition should journal.

Its a good way to see how you are doing.

Also each entry give a smiley, sad, sick or other face to show your feelings.

When you have 3 days in a row of the same smiley then its time to rejoice if its 3 happy or find some help if 3 bad smileys.

Also you are early in this process and have not had any official diagnosis and should keep your feelings at check with the family.

Never a cart before the horse.

So write till your blue if you have to. Rant or tell the wonderful story if that is what is on your mind.

Stay safe, Hugs.

Yeah, the journal really is a good idea. They had me do one when I was in DBT, and I've actually kept it going ever since. As for no 'official' diagnosis? It's not really a cart before the horse kind of thing for me. I've been to 20+ therapists since I was 9 (for depression, mostly) and had about 20 different diagnoses, never treating the one I could never tell them about, that's always been there, buried under shame and fear. But I've been to enough of those people to know that the diagnosis itself is just a formality. I've gained enough tools from all the therapies I've been to, to know exactly what's going on in my head. I know, I just do.

I need a therapist now to figure out what the hell to do about it, since I can no longer keep it kind of under control on my own.

But yeah, shields definitely up, expectations definitely down. I just don't know that I have the strength to keep it going.

Anyway, thanks, both of you, for listening to me venting. It's a little therapeutic for me to write things down here. And I really appreciate the support.

[mrs izzy]

Any time is a great time to vent.

Wish you the best and yes find that way to get some you time in all of this.

Hugs

[Felix]

I know that experience of seeing therapists and not being able to tell them what was really wrong, and it's cool that you were able to use it to gain awareness and develop useful skills so the time wasn't wasted. I try to scavenge any benefit I can get out of therapy and that has mostly been a successful tactic.

I've said it before, but lots of people who are listening aren't typing out responses. Even if nobody ever commented to your hashing this stuff out, many people would read it and factor it into how they live their lives. And of course articulating your situation can help you decide how to proceed.

Check in if you get a chance and feel comfortable doing so while you're out there.

[Sushifruit]

Good luck dearheart!  It's gonna be trouble but definitely take to heart what miss Izzy said, Journaling can sometimes be all you got.  So use it!

Hec make a special trip to the store and buy a pretty one, whatever makes you feel more like you!

[androgynouspainter26]

Jera hon,

Hope it goes well!  Family things are always stressful, especially coming out.  I'm so sorry you're facing such a massive wall of hatred and intolerance.  It saddens me that there are still so many asinie people in this day and age-but know this: If your friends and family really love you, they will accept this about you sooner or later.  They must-this is who you are, and if any of them really care about your wellbeing, then they'll accept you in time.  And if they don't, you'll survive it.  It already takes tremendous strength to arrive at this point, and you'll survive.  You'll be stronger for it, hopefully...and yep, keep a journal.  Journals are frigging awesome.

[Jera]

Thanks everyone, really. I think I'm going to seriously miss you all, even if it's only going to be a little over a week. However this turns out, this is a thing I feel I absolutely must put behind me in order to truly begin taking steps forward, so here I go.

One baby step into the fire, that all those to come have no regrets. See you all in a couple weeks, I hope.

[Missy~rmdlm]

Good luck, If you haven't started transition yet, telling them you "will" won't do any good. It's better to disclose as a fact, rather than an idea. As I've said before there is no going back if you disclose T status, and since that is the case, make sure it is a fact and not a mistake.

[Jera]

Good luck, If you haven't started transition yet, telling them you "will" won't do any good. It's better to disclose as a fact, rather than an idea. As I've said before there is no going back if you disclose T status, and since that is the case, make sure it is a fact and not a mistake.

Believe me, I know. The mistake was not admitting it twenty years ago. A bigger mistake was hiding it ten years ago. The biggest mistake of all was trying to kill it five years ago, and heading to the brink and back time and again ever since.

I'm through with mistakes. Now I need to move forward.

[Felix]

Believe me, I know. The mistake was not admitting it twenty years ago. A bigger mistake was hiding it ten years ago. The biggest mistake of all was trying to kill it five years ago, and heading to the brink and back time and again ever since.

I'm through with mistakes. Now I need to move forward.

I'm younger, but I did my share of that and I agree just doing something and making progress can be worth whatever fallout it brings.

[Jera]

This has gone so much better than I expected. My mother said she has always known, but begs me not to tell my siblings. I won't. She believes as much as I do that this will drive us apart.

But my friend? I was brought to very good tears. He said, "I think I always knew that. You are the perfect woman for me. Maybe that's why I've always liked you."

It is so good to be home.

[helen2010]

This has gone so much better than I expected. My mother said she has always known, but begs me not to tell my siblings. I won't. She believes as much as I do that this will drive us apart.

But my friend? I was brought to very good tears. He said, "I think I always knew that. You are the perfect woman for me. Maybe that's why I've always liked you."

It is so good to be home.

Jera

This has made my day.  So pleased for you.  Validation and love from your mother and also from a close friend are truly priceless.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Jera]

Yeah this didn't lasts too long at all actuaally. Thanks for giving me a chance though, people. I think I am actually worse off than I was before

[androgynouspainter26]

So sorry to hear that-I really hope things do get better with time.  Chin up darling-stay strong!

[helen2010]

Jera

I am so sorry to hear this.  What happened?  It looked like you were off to a good start.

Sometimes family seems to cycle between acceptance and hostility - I don't think that there is a whole lot you can do about this, apart from being happy in yourself and being available to them.  Hope that you are able to maintain a relationship even if it is not 100 per cent supportive.  Hostility is extremely hard to deal with.

Aisla

[Jera]

What happened is nobody means what they say and other people bring out the truth in them. I cannt deal with this roller coaster and I definitely cannot do this completely alone. I don't even know anymore.

[Jess42]

What happened is nobody means what they say and other people bring out the truth in them. I cannt deal with this roller coaster and I definitely cannot do this completely alone. I don't even know anymore.

Most people don't Jera. You aren't alone. I know how you feel just don't know what to say.

[JulieBlair]

Hi Jera,
Authenticity doesn't come naturally to most people.   That you are approaching an authentic way of life isn't necessarily infections.  Many people in my family have inoculated themselves from recognizing the truth and humanity of anyone they do not understand,  or who, at a gut level disagree with.
If you mean what you say, that is your side of the street.  If they don't, you have choices in how you choose to respond, and even if you choose to respond.  This weekend I've shared time in fellowship with people I love.  I did not spend it with my family.   
I cannot be involved with the rejection of who I am, and am neither strong enough nor patient enough to give them my energy if they cannot see me as beautiful,  valuable,  and lovable.  So it goes.
I and others are here for you now and always without any quid pro quo.  I always mean what I say and that is the way most of us here live.  I'll be back in cell range tomorrow give me a call if you want to talk.  You are beautiful talented,  and lovable.

Peace,
Julie