Am I being Selfish?

[Gina Taylor]

Gina a good Therapist would have stood up for their patient and their well being. NOT placate your mother and tell you to "man" up. This Therapist DOES NOT have YOUR well being as his goal. Many have told you this, but you still stand behind this person. Why? Why ask for advice and then disregard it all. You are going to be stuck in this continuous cycle until you take charge of your life. No reason for denying your right to happiness is going to fly. 

Thanks Jessica for your kind and warm words, but like I said I'll be talking with my therapist this week and I'll see what he really meant. It's not that I disregard taking anyone's advice, but sometimes I will listen and then I'll decide if I want to take it or not. Nothing personal.

Gina, I'm wondering: when is it ever going to be okay with your mom for you to transition?

You've already waited 20 years. Twenty years since they found out you're trans. You've tried the medication, you've tried therapists, you've done everything they've asked of you. I'd call that giving it a good ol' college try... and you're still trans.

So right now your mom wants you to hang on so that you can support your father. But in the very sad event of his passing, do you honestly think she'll suddenly say "OK Gina, thanks for helping with your dad, I'm happy for you to transition now?". Or is she going to move the goalposts again? What'll be next - wait until your mother dies? Wait until your sister's kids grow up? Wait until the second coming?

Gina, honey... I honestly believe she's trying to stall you in the hopes that she can put you off transitioning in her lifetime, and preferably forever. You've mentioned that she's very controlling and manipulative - and I believe that's exactly what she's doing to you now. But here's the thing: she can only control you and manipulate you if you allow her. If you want to transition, you'll need to break the cycle.

Here's what I would do: tell your mom that you're attending your therapist appointments on your own - you're an adult and are entitled to privacy. Either call your therapist out on his 'man-up' comment, or drop him like a hot potato. And tell your mother that you'll be more than happy to do your share of helping your father - which is to offer 1/4 of the help he needs, since he has three other women who can help him too. But tell her you won't be doing the lion's share because you're going to need a lot of time, support and money to successfully complete your transition. Your mother and sisters need to 'man up' too.

You've made some very good points here and once I can speak with my mom wen she's in a good frame of mind, I will ask her.

definitely this /\!! She is only worried about HER life, not YOURS. Well said FTM!!

As to your topic title, you are not being selfish, you are being unrealistic.

That's what I thought as well. Thanks

Having a parent's health fail is vey difficult, hugs.

Perhaps a new therapist, especially a gender therapist would be in your best interests.

I wonder if the "therapist" you are going to is in alliance with your Mom and does not have your best interests at heart.

About presentation, do what feels right realizing what is being asked may be for a short period or prolonged. What will reduce your stress more? Perhaps the best thing for you is to get an apartment with some other trans* in your area. 

I see my therapist for me. He has no alliance to my mom. Like I said before she goes to fill him n on what's happening outside of my world. She thinks I only go there and talk about my transsexual problems.

[Gina Taylor]

Gina, I'm wondering: when is it ever going to be okay with your mom for you to transition?

You've already waited 20 years. Twenty years since they found out you're trans. You've tried the medication, you've tried therapists, you've done everything they've asked of you. I'd call that giving it a good ol' college try... and you're still trans.

So right now your mom wants you to hang on so that you can support your father. But in the very sad event of his passing, do you honestly think she'll suddenly say "OK Gina, thanks for helping with your dad, I'm happy for you to transition now?". Or is she going to move the goalposts again? What'll be next - wait until your mother dies? Wait until your sister's kids grow up? Wait until the second coming?

Gina, honey... I honestly believe she's trying to stall you in the hopes that she can put you off transitioning in her lifetime, and preferably forever. You've mentioned that she's very controlling and manipulative - and I believe that's exactly what she's doing to you now. But here's the thing: she can only control you and manipulate you if you allow her. If you want to transition, you'll need to break the cycle.

Here's what I would do: tell your mom that you're attending your therapist appointments on your own - you're an adult and are entitled to privacy. Either call your therapist out on his 'man-up' comment, or drop him like a hot potato. And tell your mother that you'll be more than happy to do your share of helping your father - which is to offer 1/4 of the help he needs, since he has three other women who can help him too. But tell her you won't be doing the lion's share because you're going to need a lot of time, support and money to successfully complete your transition. Your mother and sisters need to 'man up' too.

I re-read this post again, and you've really brought up some really good points here, and believe me, I'm definitely going to be discussing them with my therapist and see how this bounces off of him and see how I should handle them with my mom. there has been more times than I can count when I have approached her and she has just shrugged my request to transition with something that she thinks is more important.

[FTMDiaries]

I re-read this post again, and you've really brought up some really good points here, and believe me, I'm definitely going to be discussing them with my therapist and see how this bounces off of him and see how I should handle them with my mom. there has been more times than I can count when I have approached her and she has just shrugged my request to transition with something that she thinks is more important.

That's wonderful Gina; I'm really pleased if I've given you some new avenues to explore. Good luck!

Do you need your mother's permission to transition? I'm sure you'd love to have her blessing, but as long as you don't need her permission for legal or financial reasons, you should just be able to go ahead and do whatever you want to do, whenever you're ready. Goodness knows you've waited long enough.

[Jess42]

You know from time to time one of us always asks if we are being selfish. Why should we be forced to feel selfish?

Gina Hon, I don't think you are being selfish in the least. You are being true to yourself and that takes more courage than faking the BS about "man"ing up. I would say be true to yourself and those that can't accept it, tough.

[Gina Taylor]

You know from time to time one of us always asks if we are being selfish. Why should we be forced to feel selfish?

Gina Hon, I don't think you are being selfish in the least. You are being true to yourself and that takes more courage than faking the BS about "man"ing up. I would say be true to yourself and those that can't accept it, tough.

Very well said Jess!  Right now with all that's going on in my family {really seems like an never ending drama} I was kind of under the impression  that it would be selfish of me to continue with my transition without thinking of my family, but putting it your way, it would not be selfish nor would I be just thinking of myself. Unfortunately look at Robin Williams, was he thinking of himself when he committed suicide? He's got four new movies coming out and he's got {would have} money coming in from all of them and he still took his own life. Like someone said in this thread, transsexuals go through a high percentage of suicides and I don't want to be a part of that percentile.

[Jessica Merriman]

Gina you are going to have to start relying on your judgment a lot more than your Therapist. After the "man up" comment it is obvious to me he does not support you at all or take you seriously. You really think after his comment to you explaining your situation at home will help any? Please find a new Therapist who is help you, not demean you. You need to start taking charge of your own life and be firm in your convictions. If I were in your place and my Therapist told me what yours did I would have walked out and filed a grievance with the licensing board. It is hard for me to see how that comment was accidental or misunderstood by you. Take charge Gina as you are not a child anymore. 

[Jess42]

Very well said Jess!  Right now with all that's going on in my family {really seems like an never ending drama} I was kind of under the impression  that it would be selfish of me to continue with my transition without thinking of my family, but putting it your way, it would not be selfish nor would I be just thinking of myself. Unfortunately look at Robin Williams, was he thinking of himself when he committed suicide? He's got four new movies coming out and he's got {would have} money coming in from all of them and he still took his own life. Like someone said in this thread, transsexuals go through a high percentage of suicides and I don't want to be a part of that percentile.

That's the spirit. I hate, absolutely hate when there are so many of us made to feel selfish because we are only trying to be who we are. You have to ask yourself the question, who are the truly selfish ones? The ones that would rather us stay who they want us to be and be miserable or ourselves being true to who we are and happy even though it may force others to do nothing more than change their perceptions of us. Believe me it is way easier and painless to change perceptions than it is living a lie or untruth.

[gennee]

When someone says that your being selfish what they're really saying is that they don't want to deal with it. You are doing something that will improve their life. Some time it seems that family are more interested how others perceive them rather than the welfare of their child(ren). Religious bigotry plays a role in much of it.

If they read the bible it will show that God used a variety of people for his work. The eunuchs are an example of this. Not everyone was married, or had a family, or lived in a fancy home. Unfortunately, a lot of Christianity today has been reduced to creeds and following laws rather than the spirit.

[Ixera]

Wait...I have a question: Since when did you have to be male in order to be strong enough to help your family? You're not strong? Because you've given up your masculine traits? In their eyes are you somehow 'emasculated'? Since when were male members of the family unit the optimal strength owners when historically it has been women? Didn't females birth us all into this world and raise us to begin with.

Does being transgender somehow mean you are not strong? That you cant help your family?

Are you selfish? Just or being who you are? Because they are going through a difficult time and don't have the strength to accept you as trans* rather than the masculine image they are trying to put on you? They seem more selfish in forcing you to be something you are not than you do; trying to help them IN SPITE of going through what you are going through right now.

I'm no expert but it sounds like a lame excuse just to get you to go back to being who they WANT you to be.

That's just my opinion

[Gina Taylor]

I spoke with my therapist yesterday about what he meant, and he told me that if my dad where to pass on, he'd be passing the torch onto me and I'd have to be the man of the house, even though I am a woman.

[Jess42]

I spoke with my therapist yesterday about what he meant, and he told me that if my dad where to pass on, he'd be passing the torch onto me and I'd have to be the man of the house, even though I am a woman.

Ugh, well Gina. I would probably be seeking another therapist and leaving this one with a little piece of my mind. I really don't know what to say other than it is a freakin' shame that this therapist seems like they could give a crap less about your GID and more about what you are paying him. Someone coming back from the battlefield with PTSD, you wouldn't advise they go see a war movie and basically that is what this therapist seems to be doing. Telling you to be what causes you so many problems to begin with is pretty negligent. The only thing, and he should have went into more detail as to why he said it, would be to guage your reaction to see how bad your GID is. I don't think that was the case though. I think he's just an idiot. Next time you go into his office, look at his diploma. If there is anything that says "Cracker Jacks" on it, find a better therapist. Actually I would be looking for one now.

God this is 2014 and women can take care of their families, even transwomen. If he walks like a duck and talks like a duck, he's just a quack.

[Jess42]

I spoke with my therapist yesterday about what he meant, and he told me that if my dad where to pass on, he'd be passing the torch onto me and I'd have to be the man of the house, even though I am a woman.

I just have to add this in as an afterthought. You should ask your therapist, I would anyway, what if you had been born genetic female? Would he be pushing you to be FTM in order to "man up" in order to be the man of the house? Some therapist, especially ones that are kind of ignorant to certain things you have to challenge them right back.

Just a question Gina. Are you sure he isn't just saying this to see what your reaction is? Of course if he were, he would probably have mentioned it during the initial statement after the session. Of course they all do things differently. Challenge the hell out of him, push back and let him know what you are thinking when he says things like this. If you don't like what he says, let him know. If you find things that he says offensive, let him know. The only reason that I could see a legitimate therapist saying things like this is to get your reaction. React, tell him you can't be a man if that's how you feel. But never leave a session with questions and statements left unanswered.

[Illuminess]

I'm actually constantly concerned about everyone else. I worry about how my mom is going to feel (and currently feels) for this sort of shapeshifting. I've gone my whole life as this one person who responds to "sir" and "son" and so on, and then it all just starts to come back to the surface. I start thinking about HRT, and the circumstances around transition, and what I'm going to put people through. Despite the support people may say they have for you, you know some of them are sighing on the inside. But you have to remember that a little discomfort to them doesn't compare to the anguish of being trans. We can't just ignore it so it goes away. It will always come right back, and with ferocity. It has to be dealt with properly. If that's being selfish, then the whole field of psychology should be abolished.

[Jess42]

I'm actually constantly concerned about everyone else. I worry about how my mom is going to feel (and currently feels) for this sort of shapeshifting. I've gone my whole life as this one person who responds to "sir" and "son" and so on, and then it all just starts to come back to the surface. I start thinking about HRT, and the circumstances around transition, and what I'm going to put people through. Despite the support people may say they have for you, you know some of them are sighing on the inside. But you have to remember that a little discomfort to them doesn't compare to the anguish of being trans. We can't just ignore it so it goes away. It will always come right back, and with ferocity. It has to be dealt with properly. If that's being selfish, then the whole field of psychology should be abolished.

You are so right sororcaeli. If people had to feel what we do, I don't know if most of them could survive it. If people knew what we had to go through psychologically I think there would be a lot more compassion and empathy. I will just put it out there, but in my opinion in the world of psychology, we are probably stronger mentally than anyone else. Just look at what we go through. I have seen people hurt deeply by not being invited to a party when I was younger and we aren't even invited into everyday society.

[Gina Taylor]

Ugh, well Gina. I would probably be seeking another therapist and leaving this one with a little piece of my mind. I really don't know what to say other than it is a freakin' shame that this therapist seems like they could give a crap less about your GID and more about what you are paying him. Someone coming back from the battlefield with PTSD, you wouldn't advise they go see a war movie and basically that is what this therapist seems to be doing. Telling you to be what causes you so many problems to begin with is pretty negligent. The only thing, and he should have went into more detail as to why he said it, would be to guage your reaction to see how bad your GID is. I don't think that was the case though. I think he's just an idiot. Next time you go into his office, look at his diploma. If there is anything that says "Cracker Jacks" on it, find a better therapist. Actually I would be looking for one now.

God this is 2014 and women can take care of their families, even transwomen. If he walks like a duck and talks like a duck, he's just a quack.

Thanks for your concern Jess, but I think your missing the overall picture here. My therapist is showing a little concern about the welfare of my family and how much concern there is for my father and how much time he has and how much importance is being place din me to be supportive towards the family after he's gone. I can really shine here if given the chance. But I can also do well as a woman as well if given the right circumstances. I don't think it's gonna be a thing where I'm gonna have to show off my gender too much. Right now my mom is gonna have to respect me and my choices more than anything  or we will have a parting of the ways and it will be very detrimental.

[Jess42]

Thanks for your concern Jess, but I think your missing the overall picture here. My therapist is showing a little concern about the welfare of my family and how much concern there is for my father and how much time he has and how much importance is being place din me to be supportive towards the family after he's gone. I can really shine here if given the chance. But I can also do well as a woman as well if given the right circumstances. I don't think it's gonna be a thing where I'm gonna have to show off my gender too much. Right now my mom is gonna have to respect me and my choices more than anything  or we will have a parting of the ways and it will be very detrimental.

OK. You may shine on the outside according to your therapist. Believe me, I ain't missing anything. But let me tell you this hon, the outside and shining doesn't matter in the least little bit if you don't have that shine on the inside. God wasn't this in a Stephen King movie. What I am telling you is first and foremost to be true to yourself no matter what and then you can shine for other people.

I really hate to say this and I am in kind of the same ship right now, the HSS Titanic, but when we our bodies cease to breathe, all of our questions will be answered. In other words, when you dad I gone he is gonna' recognize your Soul not by whatever name they decided to call you when you cam out with the wrong parts to yourself. And mine ain't far from and when he goes he is gone he is going to know he didn't have a physical son. But this ain't the spiritual section so....

Yeah your therapist is showing concern for your family but definitely a lack of concern for you and your problems. That tells me a lot about him and his Psychology degree. He does sound a little like  a duck.

Gina, first and foremost be true to yourself or you'll never be able to be true to anyone else. You have your own life hon, and if you choose to take care of your family that is an extremely honorable thing. But still first and foremost be true to yourself or it will all be a lie and farce to you. Does this make sense to you? If you live a lie to yourself it is gonna' go downhill for you. Everyone else may be happy and I really hope to Hades that your therapist won't be happy.

OK so I am selfish in saying this. But Gina, hon, be who you are and everyone else is on their own with how they accept you. You can lie to other people, but you are never ever gonna' be able to lie to yourself.

By the way sis, you can shine just as bright as a woman as you can a man.

[Rachel]

Gina, I know you are having a difficult time, hugs.

I hope you Father is doing better.

As I read about your therapist, instead of either your family's well being or yours. It should be your family's well being and your well being. I really do not think he has your well being as number one for you. He is putting your mothers wishes ahead of your needs. 

I hope you find a good gender therapist and if not I hope you set your therapist straight in a letter explaining his hurtful and disrespectful comments are not tolerated and he needs to stop immediately.

I would be interested to know if your therapist would write a letter of HRT recommendation for you. Not that you do anything with it but to ask him if he would write you the letter. If some day you decide HRT is what you want and then find out he will not write the letter for you then that would have been time you could have with a gender therapist that is supportive and puts you as #1.

[Taka]

i think you need a therapist who will politely refuse to tell your mother anything about what you talk to them about. and then, if your mother feels like she still needs family therapy to deal with this all, find another therapist to see together. for family therapy.

take care of your father, if that's what you think is the right thing to do. present as a man in front of him, if you think that will ease his mind, and it's more important for you to ease his mind than go 100% full-time.

your mother's problems are hers. tell her to see a therapist if she has that much on her mind, maybe she needs it even more than you. but you two can't see the same therapist for anything other than family therapy. it just won't work.

also, a therapist for mental problems, is a person that you talk to about everything. not just what's going on in your own little world, but everything that goes on outside and how that affects you as well. you need someone who can listen to you complain about how unfair your mother is, or how you hate having to present male, or whatever you think is great or awful, without giving you any advice. without telling you what you should do. your therapist may offer options, but must always leave the choice to you. he may help you consider consequences or analyse your reasons, but he can't tell you what to do.

it's your life, and you won't be able to deal with any mental problems before you start making your own choices out of your own will and for your own reasons. is it right for you to become the man of the house? aren't you becoming a stunningly beautiful woman? there are consequences to all decisions. consider your options and their possible consequences, think hard about it, and make a decision that you think will make you feel better about yourself. a decision that you can stand for, one that is your own and not influenced by other people's opinions.

other people can't see more of the future than you can do, and no matter what you choose, the outcome is likely to be outside anyone's predictions. nobody in the entire world has experienced exactly the situation you're going through right now. your mother and therapist are unlikely to have experienced anything even remotely similar, so why let their fears and prejudice influence your choice?

i have a stepfather who is sick. there's always been something wrong with him for almost all the years that i've known him. he could die from a stroke any day, but he chooses to live his life to its fullest and refuses to get chained to a chair by inactivity. i'm afraid it will hurt him if i transition, and he is the only one who's been like a parent to me. but in the end, i'll just have to do what i have to do, and pray that he is strong enough to handle it. but i can't take responsibility for his reaction, because that's something which is created in his mind.

family members burden each other with their problems, if we manage to share, we all grow stronger. but if it's one-sided, and one demands accommodation without accommodating the other, the relationship or the people will start breaking. i can't take all of my parents' problems, and my own, and carry all that alone. even if that's what they seem to expect me to do. i will have to deal with my own problems in some way before i can carry the whole load of my family, or i'll break.

can you carry the weight of both your family and yourself, make their burdens lighter by breaking yourself?
what if you can't bear it, and end up in the tragic end of statistics, wouldn't this just add to your parents' burden?
your family only think they need you to be a man for them. what if you do them better as a woman, being the person you were born to be?
and how many possible outcomes did your therapist consider before telling you to man up? did he consider you breaking? did he consider your family's sorrow if they lose you completely by denying you the right to be yourself? did he consider you as a well functioning woman with a steady job and enough energy left to take care of your father? did he even ask you how that would feel for you? whether you'd survive it?

sorry for the long post, i'm just worried about you and your family.
from your posts, none of you seem to be doing good with things as they are. something will have to change, and if you are the only one who are capable of changing, then the burden must be really heavy on you. but i think you also realize that a change is needed, and i hope you will make the choice that is right for you, and not what the people around you believe is the only obvious choice.

[Gina Taylor]

OK. You may shine on the outside according to your therapist. Believe me, I ain't missing anything. But let me tell you this hon, the outside and shining doesn't matter in the least little bit if you don't have that shine on the inside. God wasn't this in a Stephen King movie. What I am telling you is first and foremost to be true to yourself no matter what and then you can shine for other people.

I really hate to say this and I am in kind of the same ship right now, the HSS Titanic, but when we our bodies cease to breathe, all of our questions will be answered. In other words, when you dad I gone he is gonna' recognize your Soul not by whatever name they decided to call you when you cam out with the wrong parts to yourself. And mine ain't far from and when he goes he is gone he is going to know he didn't have a physical son. But this ain't the spiritual section so....

Yeah your therapist is showing concern for your family but definitely a lack of concern for you and your problems. That tells me a lot about him and his Psychology degree. He does sound a little like  a duck.

Gina, first and foremost be true to yourself or you'll never be able to be true to anyone else. You have your own life hon, and if you choose to take care of your family that is an extremely honorable thing. But still first and foremost be true to yourself or it will all be a lie and farce to you. Does this make sense to you? If you live a lie to yourself it is gonna' go downhill for you. Everyone else may be happy and I really hope to Hades that your therapist won't be happy.

OK so I am selfish in saying this. But Gina, hon, be who you are and everyone else is on their own with how they accept you. You can lie to other people, but you are never ever gonna' be able to lie to yourself.

By the way sis, you can shine just as bright as a woman as you can a man.

Thanks as always for your concern Jess, but I think you might have misunderstood me when I said about shining. He was only referring to how I can shine if I am able to do the right things now with my family, and that is by looking after the important things, but he agrees with me that I shouldn't sacrifice the important things that are important to me like transitioning and becoming the best woman that I can be.  It's just that there is so much on my mom's mind that she would rather concentrate on my dad than on me. Once she's gotten my dad's problem squared away, then maybe she might pay me some attention {not that I need it, because I am a very independent woman} but you know any help would always be a blessing.

Gina, I know you are having a difficult time, hugs.

I hope you Father is doing better.

As I read about your therapist, instead of either your family's well being or yours. It should be your family's well being and your well being. I really do not think he has your well being as number one for you. He is putting your mothers wishes ahead of your needs. 

I hope you find a good gender therapist and if not I hope you set your therapist straight in a letter explaining his hurtful and disrespectful comments are not tolerated and he needs to stop immediately.

I would be interested to know if your therapist would write a letter of HRT recommendation for you. Not that you do anything with it but to ask him if he would write you the letter. If some day you decide HRT is what you want and then find out he will not write the letter for you then that would have been time you could have with a gender therapist that is supportive and puts you as #1.

Thanks for the hug Cynthia. Here's a *HUG* right back to you. My father's mind comes and goes with dementia, and it's sad. He's like Ronald Regan before he passed on. I understand your concern for my well being and I do agree with you but when my mom talks with my therapist and gives him her weepy eye story about her life, he's gonna be compassionate towards her. But as I said before, once she's gotten everything straightened out with my dad, hopefully I should be able to put everything back in order.

I think you need a therapist who will politely refuse to tell your mother anything about what you talk to them about. and then, if your mother feels like she still needs family therapy to deal with this all, find another therapist to see together. for family therapy.

Thanks Taka for that excellent idea. My mom has been seeing a therapist, but I don't think that she talks about the right things to her. Maybe I might have to intercede and do what she does, and go to one of her sessions.

take care of your father, if that's what you think is the right thing to do. present as a man in front of him, if you think that will ease his mind, and it's more important for you to ease his mind than go 100% full-time.
My father saw me once as a woman, and it didn't freak him out too much, but my mom thinks it would put him over the edge if he saw me day in and day out like that. So just to respect him I've remained as a male. I've been looking for a place for my own, which after that I plan on going full time 100%, as I had before. It's only been a few months that I've had to be like this.

your mother's problems are hers. tell her to see a therapist if she has that much on her mind, maybe she needs it even more than you. but you two can't see the same therapist for anything other than family therapy. it just won't work. That's another excellent idea. Maybe if she isn't happy seeing her own therapist, maybe she could see mine as long as they don't talk about what I've discussed.

also, a therapist for mental problems, is a person that you talk to about everything. not just what's going on in your own little world, but everything that goes on outside and how that affects you as well. you need someone who can listen to you complain about how unfair your mother is, or how you hate having to present male, or whatever you think is great or awful, without giving you any advice. without telling you what you should do. your therapist may offer options, but must always leave the choice to you. he may help you consider consequences or analyze your reasons, but he can't tell you what to do. That's actually what I like about my therapist. I've seen a lot of therapists before, and they've always brought up that nasty little word "CONSEQUENCES" and it really urkes the hell out of me. But my present therapist has never mentioned that word to me and he at least listens and he makes suggestions to try to make my life better for me. Like I've said before, my mom thinks I only go there and talk about my transsexual problems. She doesn't realize that I spend a lot of time talking about her and the things that bother me as well. 

it's your life, and you won't be able to deal with any mental problems before you start making your own choices out of your own will and for your own reasons. is it right for you to become the man of the house? aren't you becoming a stunningly beautiful woman? there are consequences to all decisions. consider your options and their possible consequences, think hard about it, and make a decision that you think will make you feel better about yourself. a decision that you can stand for, one that is your own and not influenced by other people's opinions.

other people can't see more of the future than you can do, and no matter what you choose, the outcome is likely to be outside anyone's predictions. nobody in the entire world has experienced exactly the situation you're going through right now. your mother and therapist are unlikely to have experienced anything even remotely similar, so why let their fears and prejudice influence your choice?

i have a stepfather who is sick. there's always been something wrong with him for almost all the years that i've known him. he could die from a stroke any day, but he chooses to live his life to its fullest and refuses to get chained to a chair by inactivity. i'm afraid it will hurt him if i transition, and he is the only one who's been like a parent to me. but in the end, i'll just have to do what i have to do, and pray that he is strong enough to handle it. but i can't take responsibility for his reaction, because that's something which is created in his mind.

family members burden each other with their problems, if we manage to share, we all grow stronger. but if it's one-sided, and one demands accommodation without accommodating the other, the relationship or the people will start breaking. i can't take all of my parents' problems, and my own, and carry all that alone. even if that's what they seem to expect me to do. i will have to deal with my own problems in some way before i can carry the whole load of my family, or i'll break.

can you carry the weight of both your family and yourself, make their burdens lighter by breaking yourself?
what if you can't bear it, and end up in the tragic end of statistics, wouldn't this just add to your parents' burden?
your family only think they need you to be a man for them. what if you do them better as a woman, being the person you were born to be?
and how many possible outcomes did your therapist consider before telling you to man up? did he consider you breaking? did he consider your family's sorrow if they lose you completely by denying you the right to be yourself? did he consider you as a well functioning woman with a steady job and enough energy left to take care of your father? did he even ask you how that would feel for you? whether you'd survive it?

sorry for the long post, i'm just worried about you and your family.
from your posts, none of you seem to be doing good with things as they are. something will have to change, and if you are the only one who are capable of changing, then the burden must be really heavy on you. but i think you also realize that a change is needed, and i hope you will make the choice that is right for you, and not what the people around you believe is the only obvious choice.

[Jess42]

Thanks as always for your concern Jess, but I think you might have misunderstood me when I said about shining. He was only referring to how I can shine if I am able to do the right things now with my family, and that is by looking after the important things, but he agrees with me that I shouldn't sacrifice the important things that are important to me like transitioning and becoming the best woman that I can be.  It's just that there is so much on my mom's mind that she would rather concentrate on my dad than on me. Once she's gotten my dad's problem squared away, then maybe she might pay me some attention {not that I need it, because I am a very independent woman} but you know any help would always be a blessing

OK, I think I got you now. I just really hope the best for you and to be happy and confident. But I am really one to talk though. But yeah Dementia is not a good thing watching a parent go through. I really wish you nothing but good luck hon. It isn't going to be easy for you or your mom for sure.

Don't forget strong as well as independent.