I'm so sorry that you were assaulted. Some "friend," and what a terrifying set of experiences. As others have mentioned, I hope you have had some rape counseling to turn to. If not, please find some as soon as you can. You have a situation in which all the vulnerabilities of being a woman and of being T have come together. That's is a very toxic mix and we are emotionally vulnerable to begin with. I can understand why you'd feel you are self destructing under all that. No matter how strong you are it will gnaw at you and poison. While Susan's is certainly a place to find support, nothing can replace finding a professional who counsels rape victims.
As for the rapes sowing seeds of doubt about transitioning, are you having doubts because you feel you are more vulnerable and it's not worth the price? To me, it would seem gender dysphoria won't change if you stop transitioning, but that's for you and your therapist to evaluate. The internal emotional consequences of the rape are themselves overwhelming and have to be handled on their terms. I can see how one could have doubts about having chosen to transition, and then having every woman's nightmare come to pass. That this would be enough to make you stop in your tracks and say, do I really want to do that? But again, as I see it, you have two powerful sets of issues here and they interplay, and sometimes irrationally. You may want to try to separate these.
Were you comfortable with your transition and decisions before the rapes? If so, is there a way to get back to that comfort level? Was that a hopeful foundation for you?
To me, I would try to deal first with the rapes, especially if I felt that stopping transition would only add more stress. Only then would I decide if the transition was unwise, or at least for now. You have been smacked cruelly with the worst aspects of being female, something that when we start seems so theoretical or abstract. In that you are not alone, either as T or as a woman, and I hope others can step up and share some insights into how they dealt with it and healed. While a rape crisis center may not be ideal, as you'd have to find one that has someone who understands the T aspect of this, it may not be a bad place to start.
