****** TRIGGER WARNING! ******

OK, so this is gonna be a little hard to say here...but I just wanted to see if there were others who found themselves in a similar situation...

I was raped twice last year. Once by a friend in August 2013, and again by a stranger in November 2013 (...after he found out I was transgender). I was in a bar and well, I was trying to drown my nightmares away after having suffered from the rape in August. I started on a very gradual but certain path of self-destructive behaviors which included multiple incidents of self-harm and suicidal ideation. As the night progressed...this guy came up to me and started to hit on me. I told him I wasn't interested and asked him to leave me alone. When he persisted, I just got up and left the bar. I was heading to my car so I could leave (course I was drunk and maybe wasn't the smartest idea, but I wanted to get away because I no longer felt safe). Apparently the creep followed me and he...pinned me up against my car door and stuck his hands down my pants. The look on his face was just so priceless and the entire situation had me completely disoriented. I snapped and laughed at him...I actually laughed in his face and told him thats what he gets for not heeding my wishes. He hit me in the face, tore my jeans off me and proceeded to rape me right there in the parking lot. I was laughing the whole time...he said he was gonna teach me how to be a woman if I wanted to be one so badly...

I just think some nights wondering if I should continue my transition. That same night I attempted suicide when I got home. I drank myself to a .4 BAC and nearly died...were it not for my husband I would have passed on. I just want to know if any of girls here have had similar troubles related to their transition.

That sounds absolutely horrific.

I have to ask though: you reported these crimes to the police, right?

If I were your husband, those men who touched you would be dead.

I'm so sorry though. I don't understand how anyone could do any of these things to another human being, you know?

Have you seen a therapist? This sort of thing would rattle anyone, big time, and it may be something that could help you if you find someone you have built a rapport with.

I reported the one that occurred with my "friend" but not the most recent one. I just completely snapped and was broken at that point.

Holy heck that is just awful.

How could one person do that to another. I am so saddened to learn that it did happen to you.

Please say that you've at least talked this out with someone else rather than bottle it up inside.

Oh Kira, how horrible. No one should have to go through this once, much less twice.

Are you seeing a trauma therapist? I echo Birkin's suggestion that it is a good idea. There is a lot of knowledge now on how to treat someone with post traumatic stress.

And please stay sober. It's a whole lot easier to protect yourself.

I'm so sorry that you were assaulted.  Some "friend," and what a terrifying set of experiences.  As others have mentioned, I hope you have had some rape counseling to turn to. If not, please find some as soon as you can. You have a situation in which all the vulnerabilities of being a woman and of being T have come together. That's is a very toxic mix and we are emotionally vulnerable to begin with. I can understand why you'd feel you are self destructing under all that. No matter how strong you are it will gnaw at you and poison. While Susan's is certainly a place to find support, nothing can replace finding a professional who counsels rape victims.

As for the rapes sowing seeds of doubt about transitioning, are you having doubts because you feel you are more vulnerable and it's not worth the price?  To me, it would seem gender dysphoria won't change if you stop transitioning, but that's for you and your therapist to evaluate. The internal emotional consequences of the rape are themselves overwhelming and have to be handled on their terms.  I can see how one could have doubts about having chosen to transition, and then having every woman's nightmare come to pass. That this would be enough to make you stop in your tracks and say, do I really want to do that? But again, as I see it, you have two powerful sets of issues here and they interplay, and sometimes irrationally. You may want to try to separate these.

Were you comfortable with your transition and decisions before the rapes? If so, is there a way to get back to that comfort level? Was that a hopeful foundation for you?

To me, I would try to deal first with the rapes, especially if I felt that stopping transition would only add more stress.  Only then would I decide if the transition was unwise, or at least for now. You have been smacked cruelly with the worst aspects of being female, something that when we start seems so theoretical or abstract. In that you are not alone, either as T or as a woman, and I hope others can step up and share some insights into how they dealt with it and healed.    While a rape crisis center may not be ideal, as you'd have to find one that has someone who understands the T aspect of this, it may not be a bad place to start. 

I'm honestly lost for words, this is just horrific.

And what Birkin said.  All of it.

I can't imagine how terrible it must have been for you, no wonder you're doubting your transition if this is what you get for wanting to be yourself...

I wasn't raped, but one guy attempted to rape me, at the end of the day nothing happened, but the fear and the thought that it's actually the end left me in tears and just shattered inside. Can't imagine what would happen if he went further...

Seek counseling, go to police and thank your husband, I'm so happy you got him!

Keep it strong!

Oh my... I can't even fathom what it'd be like to have that happen. I'm so sorry you were put through that. I can understand why you have such doubt towards transitioning. I was sexually assaulted and harassed on a train a few months ago and whilst it hasn't stopped me in any way, it's made me even more scared taking public transport and getting out in general... Not like having social anxiety, depression and gender dysphoria weren't enough already. I think you should report the second incident too, it could be worth it. Have you had any counselling about this? I really hope things get better for you and that you're able to be who you are despite what anyone says, thinks or does. I know it's really hard and I too contemplate suicide quite often. That guy sounds like a sexist idiot and does not deserve to be walking around free will. I hate rape and any kind of indecent assault and behaviour, it really sickens me. No one deserves to be treated like that and the effects it can have on someone is very devastating. How anyone can even do that to another person is beyond me. You're a very strong woman for still being here and being able to talk about it, don't give up!

Wow...so much support. Thank you guys so much...I'm just used to all the abandonment I've experienced ever since this all happened to me. If you guys would like to view my blog on how I am doing, feel free to do so at www.kirahawk.com. You'll have to login with your Facebook account as I have it locked down so the defense attorneys can't use it against me.

In regards to therapy, I have been in therapy now for the last year. I guess the biggest issue I have about my transition is that I no longer feel safe enough to continue. I of course will as stopping would probably kill me if not worse. I just have so much in my life that's twisted my thoughts about myself and others.

It will get better. I feel terrible for all the suffering you had to have gone through and are still going through. I'd give you the BIGGEST hug if I could.

It just makes me wonder, out of curiosity, where the heck do you live? Haven't read such horror stories about any place

Quote from: crowcrow223 on August 10, 2014, 02:02:38 PM
It will get better. I feel terrible for all the suffering you had to have gone through and are still going through. I'd give you the BIGGEST hug if I could.

It just makes me wonder, out of curiosity, where the heck do you live? Haven't read such horror stories about any place

I live in Chesapeake, VA. All my rapes were committed by sailors, including the very first time when I was "A" school in Great Lakes back in 2009.

I can't even begin to imagine what that must of been like. Like others have said, wish I could hug you right now. Really wish I could say more, other than you have my support and if you ever need to talk, you have another friend here!

I'm so sorry for the situation you were in, I hope it gets better!

I would like to extend my support as the rest of the folks here are doing.  Nobody should ever have to endure what you did.  I hope that you find a way to heal and don't regret your transition because of these rapes, you should be able to be comfortable being you.  I think you are amazingly brave and inspirational for continuing to fight and sharing your story. 

I teach self defense classes several times a year.  I highly suggest looking into self defense classes or videos.  It may not seem like much but it really helps in gaining a feeling of control again.  Learning self defense originally gave me the courage to start transitioning.  If nothing else, its a good stress reliever.