Mom in denial

[Auroramarianna]

Hi girls,

I have spoke a lot about my family in previous threads. I'm just sooo disappointed in my mom. She acts like nothing happened, omg. I told her the sex change and she just brushed it off. It's like I never told her. I don't think she's planning to help me, and she is in great denial. Her reaction to me telling her was horrible, the first thing it came to her mind was "But if you do this, you'll have a relationship with a man, and I don't imagine you with a man!!" despite my obvious femininity, she said this in despair, then she took me out of my psychological support and put me in another. Now life just goes on and it's like I never told her?? I remember her taking me to a doctor I used to go, and they were trying to "convince me out of it", and I remember her saying "you may think I accept LGBT people, I do, as long it doesn't knock my door because I know they all go through horrible things" lool what the hell??? So much denial, omg. She really didn't even put herself in my position.

I know denial is a state only the people in it can take themselves off it, but I'd like to do something to prove I'm serious. Maybe I should grow my hair out, wear makeup, pierce my ears?? I'm going to start doing these things. I have no idea, I'm so confused. I already shave my body, but she still doesn't get it.

Also, I should add, she's always in denial about the problems her children may have. When I was not seeing well and told her, she denied and said it was all in my head. The result was that one year after, on a medical checkup, I had already myopia, astigmatism. She's always like this. It takes her so much time to come terms with the reality, and it sucks so much.

I'm kind desperate. I have no one else who can help me other than my mom. this makes it so hard, because I'll have to do lots of things by myself.

Thank you for reading,
Aurora

EDIT: I'd like to be hormonally tested but I know she won't accept it again she gets in denial about everything.

[Auroramarianna]

Please please help me I need it so much

[Miyuki]

Parents are who they are. They will either support you through your transition, or they won't, and there's usually very little you can do or say that will change that. You can keep trying to convince them, but it may only end up driving a wedge between you (it certainly did between me and my parents). What you really need to figure out is what it will take to make the things you want to happen happen, with or without their help. It's very sad that so often the people who are supposed to care about us the most turn against us at times like these, but that's just the way things are. I'm sorry, I wish I had something more helpful to say.

[Foxglove]

I'm like Miyuki.  I don't know that I can tell you anything you'll find helpful.

I remember when we were still fairly young (20's), my brother continued living at home for quite some time after he really had to.  He was pretty unhappy a lot of the time because our parents weren't always the easiest to get along with, and their view was that as long as you're living in their house, you play by their rules.  I told him several times, maybe you need to get out, find your own place.  He eventually did, of course, but not nearly as quickly as I did.  You make your own choices.

And going by what you've said earlier (if I remember the gist of it more or less correctly), it seems to me you're in something of the same position.  Maybe you need a change of circumstances that will allow you more independence.  But maybe that won't be easy for you.

It sounds to me like your mother gives you some support in ways, but she charges you a very high price for it.  I think maybe you need to think about things and try and decide whether the price is worth it to you.  If you feel it isn't, then perhaps one of your short-term goals would be to try and create better circumstances for yourself so that you'll be free to pursue your other goals.

You say you have no one else but your mom, and that's an added difficulty, but it can be overcome.  When I was looking at the possibility of transitioning, I had no one at all.  So I went looking for people, and I found them.  I think you could find other people if you wanted to, and they could support you in various ways.

I'm not trying to suggest that this will be easy.  I know it won't be.  It's just that going by some things you've been saying lately, you're feeling a lot of frustration now.  It sounds to me that that frustration is growing so great now that you really need to take stock of things and look for lasting solutions.

Sorry I can't give you any magic formula for getting what you need, but I've never had one for myself.

Best wishes,
Foxglove

[RosieD]

I would like to echo what Miyuki said. It may be that your Mother will never be ready to accept that you have GD and need to transition (assuming that is what you need). You may find it helpful to decide what you want and then work out ways that you can get there. Should you let your hair grow, wear make-up or get your ears pierced? I don't know. Will any of those things make you happier and help alleviate the GD? If they would then go for it, but those are better reasons for doing them than to prove something to your Mum.

Because transitioning or dressing or taking hormones or any of the innumerable things that can be done should always be about helping you find a space where you can live happily.

Rosie

[Ltl89]

As much as I wish I had a way of helping you or cheering you up, there is very little you can do to lead your mother to acceptance.  Some take it okay at first, some don't but come around and then some never do.  It sucks and is unfair, but it's hard to guess which one she will be.  I will say this, though, my relationship with my mother has gotten much better as time passed by.  She hates the fact that I'm transitioning, but she know accepts the fact that this is going to happen and thus isn't standing in my way like in the beginning.  Yes, it's all still very tough, but there has been improvement and I no longer fear losing my family like I once did. Time seems to make things easier to accept and adjust to.  If you don't mind me asking, how long has she known?  And what stage are you in transition?  And what was your relationship with your mother like before this?  All these things can be important factors. 

In any event, I am so sorry that I can't offer a way to make it all better and improve the situation.  I remeber seeking a way to force understanding and acceptance when I came out, and I wish I could provide it for you, but a lot of this is a matter of letting time pass to allow some form of acceptance.  At least, that's what I have found.  Keep your head up as things can get better.  This is only the beginning even if it may feel like an end. 

[Danielle79]

I think you should definitely grow out your hair and start making your appearance reflect your gender, but realize that your mother may push back depending on how far you go. Until you are legally an adult and have some financial independence, you have to accept some of the restrictions she puts on your life.

It's not fair. You are clearly in the right in wanting to take care of yourself and get treatment.  You being strong and accepting reality, and she's being weak and living in denial. You deserve better parenting than this, and you have the right to be sad and angry about that.

Stay strong. Find ways to express yourself on your own terms, not hers. Look for supportive environments where you can go when it gets to be too much. Make a plan for when you have more freedom. And know that it won't be long before the world sees you as the young woman you are becoming.

[Auroramarianna]

Okay, so let me add that I had almost told her when I was 14 that I was transgender. When I was really depressed and had a breakdown because I was being bullied at school. She guessed. She really did. When I told her, I felt different than other boys, she asked me if that had anything to do with the docummentary I had seen with her about transpeople. So she's always had a clue. And this why I'm mad. She's had 3 years to prepare herself and she actually seemed to be educating herself on the subject and then BAM, I tell her and it's back to step 0. Nothing, nada, nil. We're back to denial. So I guess she's always been in denial, and this why she kept me at a distance and trusted me to this psychologist hping she could "fix me", since my therapist didn't (I like her so much), she felt cheated and took me out of it.

Foxglove, that's how I feel. She charges me a very high price. The price of not being a genuine self. She helps me as long I sastify her wishes. Like she did by forcing me to go to Science instead of Literature in high school. I was actually really deluded to think I had an amazing relationship with her, but we've never been remotely close. I can't tell her how I feel. I can't tell her I want to put on makeup, she would ignore it if I did, and certainly wouldn't help me and she would push me, yeah, Danielle. Like she does everytime. Ugh. Maybe I'm not seeing things clearly. IDK.

[Foxglove]

Foxglove, that's how I feel. She charges me a very high price. The price of not being a genuine self. She helps me as long I sastify her wishes.

Aurora, I really feel for you.  I don't want to sound like I'm trivializing your troubles, because I know what they are.  I've experienced them myself.  But I would like to say to you, Don't panic.  Don't despair.  Try to stay calm and assess things as rationally as you can.  Try to find solutions as rationally as you can.

You're very young.  You've got lots of years to sort things out.  You don't have to do it tomorrow.  As long as you're progressing towards your goal bit by bit, you'll find comfort in that.

You can't imagine how I feel--and there's lots of people in my situation.  I'm 60 now, and it was only a couple of years ago that I came out.  I have as far to go as you do with not nearly so much time to do it.  I've had to accept that I'll never get to where I'd truly like to be.  I feel like I've wasted my life.

My fault for leaving it so late.  But I've accepted that I just have to accept things as they are.  Whereas you, as I said, have lots of time to pursue your dreams.  So try to be a bit patient.  You're in a bad spot right now, I know.  But try to give yourself time.  Have faith.  Go at it bit by bit.  Even if takes you 10 or 15 years to get to where you want to be, you'll still have lots more years than some of us have.  Ten or 15 years sounds like a long time.  It is.  But even if that's what it takes, it'll be worth it to you.

Best of luck always,
Foxglove

[Danielle79]

Your mother sounds like my father, right down to forcing me to take classes I didn't want to take. The only difference is that he's so far in denial that I told him that I was trans and it just flew right over his head. Let me tell you what my therapist has to say about him.

"Your father is a bully. You have to be blunt with bullies and enforce boundaries with them. They won't listen to anything else."

Now I'm an adult and financially independent of him, so I can follow this advice. You're not in the same position because of your age. Eventually though, you're going to have set boundaries with her and be blunt about it, because this isn't just about your being trans. She is way too controlling and you can't let that continue into adulthood. Otherwise she is going to treat you like a child for as long as she can get away with it.

I still say you should grow out your hair if you want to do so. She'll push back, I can almost guarantee it, so you may end up being forced to get a haircut you don't want every once in a while. Still, you should do it anyway, not to prove that you are serious about being trans (she knows, she just doesn't want you to transition), but to reinforce that you have agency over your own body, both to yourself and to her.

[Auroramarianna]

Thanks

Foxglove I can't wait 15 years. I can't. Maybe to finish the process, but not start. I'll start simple, but I'll do things to appease my dysphoria and possibly consult an endo and get prescribed for low doses of HRT. I am sorry for what you went through, but you did the right thing, better late than never and now you can live your life to the fullest.

Danielle, I sincerely hope she's not, but honestly she fits more more and more the stereotype. She's just so controlling and demanding, passive-aggressive even. And yeah, she definitely treats me like a child and doesn't take me seriously. I need to be more independent of her. I have to seeks ways to break free quite literally. And she will. I'll quote someone on yahoo: "The condition of not being a genuine self is far too much to ask of anyone. That does not mean people will not ask you to do it, in fact they will try to force you not to be yourself to satisfy their wishes. You will have to become righteously indignant." This is what I need, but it is hard.

[Rose City Rose]

My mother began grasping at straws.  First she said she thought this was just me trying to find myself, then she said that she thought that the meds I was on as a teenager had messed with my brain during puberty, then she said she thought that I was unable to make a clear decision because of a supposed diagnosis of Asperger's that supposedly was making droves of people transition (never mind that I've been told by 3 or 4 doctors that I don't have Asperger's; she thinks that anything that goes against what she wants to believe is the result of me manipulating doctors).

In the end, she started gaslighting me into distrusting my own judgment by denying things that we both know to be true, like certain childhood memories of mine, and saying that I had false memories and that my "perceptions are warped by hormones."  I internalized this gaslighting and began distrusting my judgment and my doctors' advice, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown.  I had to go back on meds for anxiety and I even had to take an entire term of medical leave to recover.  She apologized but always in a backhanded way that never held her accountable for her actions (i.e. "I'm sorry you feel that way"), then did it again and again.

I had to disown her on my birthday, which was one of the most painful things I ever had to do.  She wants me to be her poor, disabled little boy that she can make all the decisions for and validate her miserable existence by playing at being a model mother for a sick child.  She never once treated me like an adult, let alone an adult who has the full intellectual capacity to make her own decisions. 

In hindsight, I'm almost positive I was a victim of Munchausen by Proxy.  She's an insecure person but loves playing the martyr who gives up everything for her "disabled" child, and loved shopping for psychiatrists who agreed with her and schmoozing with them (many of my diagnoses as a kid were made without me in the room).  She even once bragged that she "knew enough to be a psychiatrist."  All the signs are there.

I hate her.  I will not mince words, I hate her.

[Auroramarianna]

Rose, I know how hard it must have been, and in many ways my mother treats me the same way. But please don't say you'd destroy her, doing so would nothing to help your feelings or change the past. Your mother may have been a very bad person in the past, but if you try to hurt you'll become the bad person you'll always avoided to be. I'm not going to say to forgive your mom, because it must be really hard for you to do so, just move on and live your life as you are and want to be.

[Rose City Rose]

Rose, I know how hard it must have been, and in many ways my mother treats me the same way. But please don't say you'd destroy her, doing so would nothing to help your feelings or change the past. Your mother may have been a very bad person in the past, but if you try to hurt you'll become the bad person you'll always avoided to be. I'm not going to say to forgive your mom, because it must be really hard for you to do so, just move on and live your life as you are and want to be.

I changed my post.  Anyhow, I want to forgive her, but I find it hard to forgive someone who never grasps the harm they've done.  I tend to hold vendettas against people when they refuse to hold themselves accountable but I forgive easily when I know they're trying to make good.

[Auroramarianna]

I changed my post.  Anyhow, I want to forgive her, but I find it hard to forgive someone who never grasps the harm they've done.  I tend to hold vendettas against people when they refuse to hold themselves accountable but I forgive easily when I know they're trying to make good.

I kinda do too, but I quickly move on. Actually I'm this selfless girl who keeps her wishes shut down to protect others. And I regret doing so. It's just my nature. But I can't live for other people. Actually my selfless attitude has made me really lonely, and it drives people away. I wish I wasn't so ughugh I don't know. I forgive easily, maybe too easily. And then hold grudges, which is ironic? I act like it is okay when it is not. But that's a whole different matter. I'm sorry for your mom, I hope she comes to realize the mistakes she has done. Maybe she has. But now admitting is much much harder. Parents can be really proud and it's not easy for them to admit the mistakes they have done. which sucks, but it is the way it is. I wish I could express myself better ughugh english is not my native language. I actually have lots of thoughts about this, but it's difficult to put into words.

[Juliett]

I changed my post.  Anyhow, I want to forgive her, but I find it hard to forgive someone who never grasps the harm they've done.  I tend to hold vendettas against people when they refuse to hold themselves accountable but I forgive easily when I know they're trying to make good.

There's nothing wrong with hating "family"
Aside from my brother and cousin who support me, i haven't spoken to the rest of them in years, and i never will. The privilege of being family has to be earned just like any other friendship.

[Valleyrie]

Hey Aurora, I wish things didn't have to be like this. I wish people could be more open-minded and understanding so people like us and anyone with problems in general don't have to go through being denied and put through the torment we have to experience every day. I'm really tired at the moment - I just woke up and I haven't been sleeping properly so please excuse me if I misunderstand anything.

Are you still seeing a psychologist at the moment and is it possible for you to get a new one? I recently had an appointment with my psychiatrist, case manager and my Dad. He said he's willing to sign things now and I never really thought he'd say that. I feel very confused at the moment and am trying to refrain from getting my hopes up as he's let me down so many times. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's always hope so please don't give up. I'm still going to have to wait until I'm 18 for hrt as there is a court process that is very costly and timely where I live but I'll be able to start hormone blockers which is all I really want right now. It's a nightmare seeing what testosterone has done and is still doing to my body so I'm sure this will ease my mind significantly.

Does she know much about being transgender? I think you should try and educate her about it. You need to have a long talk with her and she needs to be willing to listen, tell her beforehand to just listen to what you need to say. You really have to tell her how you feel and how this is affecting your mental health. I never done this but I've been suggested to print out information sheets and hand them to my parents while I talk to them and run them through it all. The reason I ask if you can get a new therapist is because mine has been so helpful for me regarding transition and my mental illnesses - I don't know where I'd be without her. I think the opinion of a professional (one not ignorant) who sees just how much this is really affecting you can get your Mum to change her mind or at least start accepting things. A therapist should be there to listen and help you, not tell you what's wrong or right. They should be doing their best to support your needs and you need to find one you're comfortable talking to.

The thing I've noticed with my Dad is that he's been very irrational, illogical and presumptuous about transgender issues. He thinks he's losing me and that I'll leave home once I get what I want... no idea how he came up with that lol. He's the one who's pushing me away and is so stubborn. He thinks he's right all the time and that he understands everything. It's very hard to have a conversation with him especially because he always rambles on about things irrelevant to the situation; mostly that of the past. There are so many misconceptions out there about transgender people and people are gullible and believe whatever they see/hear. It sucks you have to go through this, I hope one day you can be who you are inside. Just remember that you're not on the wrong at all, don't believe what anyone tries to tell you. You know yourself best and I know you're capable of achieving this.

The best you can do is keep trying to get her to come around and if you can't then you need to focus on your education and getting a job so you can be independent and do what you want/need. I know it's really hard and takes a lot of time, I guess I am more lucky as I have access to lots of support and help. Is there anyone else you have that you can go to in real life or are there any support groups you can join to connect with people in similar situations as you? I definitely think you should start growing your hair out and changing your appearance. Experiment with different things and find out what you like. You're a very beautiful and strong person, I've seen many of your posts and you're really great. I hope I could be of help, as I said I'm really tired right now and am probably not giving that great of advice. I'm always here to talk and you can PM me (everyone here is welcome to) if you ever need anything at any time and I'll always try answer asap the best I can. Don't give up.

[Auroramarianna]

Is there anyone else you have that you can go to in real life or are there any support groups you can join to connect with people in similar situations as you? I definitely think you should start growing your hair out and changing your appearance. Experiment with different things and find out what you like. You're a very beautiful and strong person, I've seen many of your posts and you're really great. I hope I could be of help, as I said I'm really tired right now and am probably not giving that great of advice. I'm always here to talk and you can PM me (everyone here is welcome to) if you ever need anything at any time and I'll always try answer asap the best I can. Don't give up.

Thank thank you so much, it really cheered me up Yes, there's an online support group. Fortunately I am almost 18 and hwen I get a car license I'll be able to move more freely where I want, which includes LGBT clubs. Sadly I do not have many friends and the ones I have probably couldn't support me in the way I want, but they are there for me!

You see the problem is exactly that. My mom has been educating herself this whole time, she's says the process is horrible and lengthy and I won't be able to go on with my life. She thinks LGBT people are abnormal, and I see "freak websites" where people "encourage" this "lifestyle", so uhm yeah. So much denial. Or maybe not. I think she's always had a clue. Which just makes me so sad. She's asking me a huuuge price I won't and can't pay. This is basically our dirty little secret. I told her I wanted to come out to my brother and sister, and she just said "in this phase, no, we're gonna talk to your psychologist" then she said she'd be going alone and just ranted with her. My psychologist told me days after that it seemed like she would never accept.

My mom doesn't really treat me badly now, it's like nothing happened, but she ignores I ever told this or that I'm hurt with her, yeah, blackmailing. She has done that. She uses my dad to intimidate me when I don't do what she demands. "I'm going to call your dad, you can't face me like this" because I denied to remain sitting on the dinner, it was a family reunion, lool. She's very concerned with appearances. Too much actually. To the point where it affects my life. But she's informed. Maybe too much. IDK.

I think this why she denies me transition. She's asking me a huge price, that I keep myself shunned and in return everything looks okay and she'll be the best mom ever? It's what seems.

To answer your questions, I am in a new psychologist... But she's has no experience with GID, and they thought I could have Asperger's but it wasn't confirmed, I didn't meet all criteria. But apparently I am gonna have therapy with her. But since she now will speak to my parents about these things... uhm, so uh yeah. Basically this psychtriatic and psychologist are already biased by my mom's thoughts. Which means I'm most likely screwed. I don't know. One thing is for sure, they are gonna try to meet my mom's "demands" if she puts any on the table.

My dad. He's completely estranged himself from my life and my siblings'. I can't count on him for anything. My parents divorced and he choose to see us only two days biweekly, four days per month. He could have equal time as my mom, he just didn't want to. He goes to vacation and places and doesn't tell us anything. Actually he'll hide for as long he can. I'm sosososo mad at him. He basically got a girlfriend and now she's all that matters. My dad sucks at parenting. He was never a good dad. Actually I question if he was a dad at all.

Anyway, I'm not going to hold myself back anymore. I'll do the possible to deal with dysphoria. And possibly get prescribed for low doses of HRT when I'm 18 and have a car. We'll see.

[Emmaline]

Show her this video... I may help her understand what your condition is.

[Auroramarianna]

A lesson I take from this is that parents rarely love their children unconditionally. My dad surely doesn't, I thought my mom did. But I was probably wrong. I am not sure.