I always have moments of doubt, and I think it stems from not trying to privately (or openly) comfort your dysphoria (cross dressing, nail painting, etc). I'm sure everyone has their own reasons, but that one makes sense to me. I don't really do anything right now. I want to wait until I have HRT in my system long enough to affect my skin and I gain some weight. Also, my "doubt" isn't really me feeling male, just feeling like the whole thing is too much and that I should just keep being who I've been. But then that goes away. That's just dysphoria, itself, being a jerk. I think trying HRT for a few months is a good way to confirm everything or to discover that it's not for you. I seriously need to find a therapist already. It's been difficult having no money to pay for it.
I guess there are times where the non-female part of me seems to be dominant, but that's really not saying much. Plus, there are two girls who live with me who are quite evidently feminine while I'm pretty neutral. I'm quiet and often reclusive. The contrast sometimes makes me think
"what the hell am I doing?" I blame my Asperger's half the time for being so stoic.
When I
am social I'm definitely not like any guy I know.
Another thing that's been bugging me is that someone I've talked to since 2008 has become far more important to me this past year. She lives in Canada, far away from me, but we never go a single day without talking. We talk to each other all day until one of us gets tired. We've never expressed any feelings toward each other, but we click so perfectly. If anything was to develop between us I don't think my transition would be something she'd be okay with...not even if I was to medically transition as Androgyne. If she got online today and told me she wanted us to be together, but as I am right now, I'm not sure I'd know what to do. Things could go well...or not. Losing that chance would really hurt. I don't think she'd really care if I didn't consider myself male in my brain, but the body changes and presentation would be a problem. I know all of that is just projecting a what-if scenario, but I do worry a little about ever meeting someone after transition. It's like that crap people say when you tell them you're trans lesbian: "why not just stay a guy?" Well, if I identified that way I would, and I wouldn't be here writing this. I just can't offer a straight cis woman what they need. If there is one who is fine with my personality, emotionality and "alpha female" demeanor I just couldn't be there for them without bringing in my gender baggage. I seriously doubt anything will ever reach that point between us, but I've personally made the mistake of having feelings for her. It takes someone really special to cause me to lower my guard. When you find that you don't want to let it go.
Anyway, there I go again, writing a novel. One last thing — one of my very good friends, after coming out to him, also came out to me that he liked to cross dress. We discussed gender dysphoria and the difference between transgender and cross dresser. It seemed he really didn't know what to call himself, so we reviewed some videos on YouTube, discussed things further, and he concluded that he's fine as he is; he just finds it exciting to dress up and play a role for a while. One of the things I asked him was if he felt uncomfortable with "he" and "him", and he said no. I think if you experience no pain from those pronouns then it's probably less likely that you're trans. I'm not making an absolute statement, but I would think not liking those words when being referred to would be a primary indicator. But we're all different, so.. I dunno.
