For me this was a process. One that is still slightly ongoing.
For years I identified with a male name not my own. In part because I had a very, very, very old form name. Imagine being born in the 80s with a name last popular in the 20s. Irony is, the name is 100% androgynous and indicates nothing about gender. Probably about as gender non specific as name's come.
So, for years I used the feminized version of my choice male name; Alex, I used Alexis. I chose a middle name that began with the first letter of my real name (referred to from here out as a name artifact). After some research I learned that 90% of people who change their name leave some indication as to the original name, whether it be initials or some variation of their old names they almost always leave name artifacts.That little factoid about name changes to me (a psychology student in transpersonal studies) made me think about why I kept any artifacts and or remnants of my old name.
What was the underlying cause became a big personal journey for me.
I had left them because of familial reasons was what I ended up realizing. My first name is My grandfathers (paternal) first name, my grandmother's (maternal) shortened name people called her, my fathers middle name, and half of my sisters first name. My middle name was my fathers first name, and surnames are surnames. I was unhappy with my middle name but was generally okay with my first name.
Then my father committed suicide, blaming my transition on his choice. He cursed me up until his passing and wanted nothing to do with me.
That decimated any desire to leave even a single name artifact (named somewhat after him and my grandfather and the artifacts came from that tie) related to him, not even a last name. Since his name artifacts are in all three of my given names. My birth name is his birth name reversed....and it is his last name.
Call it father issues if you want. I called it liberation from the negative feelings I carried from our time together and a way of being truly reborn and moving on.
It was only compounded when my affluent and well off grandparents did some deplorable things as well, basically disowning 60% of the family for reasons varying from "not doing well enough on their own", to "was a druggie in their teens and will never change". Despite my transgender status I was about the only one on my side of the family spared, and only because I am doing well enough to pay for all my surgeries oop if I have to and own a yacht..... basically superficial reasons.
Again family issues, but a series of them that left me absolutely disgusted with carrying those names.
So I did some soul searching. Big time soul searching. Who am I? What cultural values do I prefer? What familial values do I prefer? If I could be anyone, in name, carry any identity in those words who would I be?
I looked to which cultures I most identified with, studied their name etymology, and then built my name much as I would for a daughter. I looked at most popular and least popular names. I looked at how names are derived from words. I studied who I was and who I wanted to be.
I found a word that meant little girl, in the language of a culture I not only identify with but am actually descended from; but not just any context of a little girl, one who has not yet finished puberty or who is stuck in puberty. An indication of my transition and a word that I actually found enthralling the first moment I saw it.
I took said word and namified it. What do I mean, it was not appropriate to be a name itself, but a slight derivation left me with a very feminine first name. Having studied name etymology had left me able to easily turn that word I liked into a name. And now a new name exists, one derived from that word. I have a lovely unique first name that sings with my soul.
For a middle name I sought out highly used names in the country that I had derived it from. This gave a commonality to my name with the region from which I was naming myself. But not just any name I wanted a name with an honourable tone, a bearing of a certain type and a strength to it. So I studied strong female names of that area and found the one that I most resonated with. The name of a Queen I have actually respected for my entire life.
Finally, I chose a last name regionally appropriate. It fit with the tone I wanted my name to carry, but it was derived from another area and an adopted name in the region I was building my name from. Since I have yet to fully change my documents it is of no concern, I will continue to evolve this one until it is absolutely me.
I ended up with a complete change of initials. A complete change of name. But I have sought a meaning for every part of it.
First name- Built by me with a word that describes in many ways what I will always be. Not Kamiki, Kami is a nym used to help keep me stealth, I cannot post my chosen. It is too unique overall.
Middle name- Regionally appropriate and one I find very attractive. Also carries with it a nobility as it is the name of many a Queen of England and her current Queen. A woman who I have held a great deal of respect for my entire life.
Last name- English derived, currently one of Danish origins and English adoption, but am considering another; the only part of my name I am not certain is locked is my last name, it does not yet resonate with me the way other parts do.
But yes, for me it was a process.
Kami
Edited for clarity.
