Recently I came out to my wife of 8 years and understandably has not been the most supportive. We have 3 girls of our own and a stepson from a previous relationship. This week I also came out to my younger sister. She was confused but reassured me several times she loved me and she would be there to help me. Having her support has given me more comfort that I will be accepted as a transgendered woman. I have written the following letter to come out to my other sister and my parents. I am not sure how I will present them with this but I am leaning towards reading it to them over the phone and then emailing it as we live in different states. I used parts of this letter
http://www.autostraddle.com/and-i-do-mean-all-my-life-a-trans-coming-out-letter-160349/ to help me form my words as well as others posted on this site. Thank you to all who post here as it does truly help to be able to relate to other people. Please feel free to use parts of this for your own letter or to give me feedback. I plan on bringing this letter to my therapy session tomorrow and then coming out to the rest of my family in the near future.
Enjoy!!
I'm writing this letter to help you understand how I feel. I've been keeping a part of me hidden all my life. It's something that the more I push it away and deny, it always comes back stronger and stronger. I've never understood what all these feelings meant until recently. It's something that I even held from my wife which is inexcusable and already has and will continue to cause her pain. The longer I let this go the harder it has gotten to find happiness in things that should make me happy. I have a beautiful wife and kids, house, good career and the life that should make any man happy. But the truth is I cannot find happiness. Each step I take in what should be a step in the right direction makes me more and more miserable. If I continue to go through life trying to be the person everyone else wants me to be, the person everyone thinks I should be, then I feel that there is nothing left for me. I don't want to hurt anyone but I cannot keep hurting myself as it has already started to impact not only my marriage but my career as well. I can't focus on anything, I have no motivation and I continue to pull myself away from the people who care about me most.
Ever since I was young I have felt awkward, different, like I felt and thought differently than the other boys. I never felt like I fit in with any one group like I didn't see or feel things the same way as others. I was scared to let people get close to me because I didn't want them to know who I was because somehow I knew I was different. Happiness to me has always come through making other people happy. Being the son/brother/grandson and now husband/father everyone wanted me to be became my Identity. The truth is I love being all those things but I have not been completely honest with myself. I thought I could control this side of me and I did for many years until recently. For the last 4 months I've been sinking deeper and deeper into what I thought was a "funk". The truth is it is depression caused by Gender Dysphoria.
What I need you to know is that this is nothing that anyone caused or could prevent. There are many different theories about where this derives from which are explained on various websites and if desired I can share these to you. Long story short, I have a brain/mind of a female in a male body.
Growing up in middle school and high school I started cross-dressing more frequently. When everyone else was away and I knew I had a few hours to myself I used to dress and pretend what it would be like to be a girl. As I grew older this was a way for me to get away from the world around me and time to be myself. There are several points in my life I tried to confront this part of me but never knew how or who to talk to. I also went through numerous cycles of throwing everything away and trying to hit the "reset button". This would work for a while but slowly the urges became more and more unbearable and I would start dressing again. I never thought that it was anything else but a fetish until recently.
3 years ago I finally told my wife about my cross-dressing. I had tried several times before but always chickened out as I didn't think she would understand. She asked me point blank if I ever thought about being a woman. I could tell she was already hurt but trying to be supportive and I told her no. I wanted to say yes but I didn't know how. I didn't want to hurt her or lose her. I didn't want her to think any less of me. Keeping this from her has been the single most selfish thing I could have done. For this I am truly sorry and will never be able to take it back. I know that you have seen the tension between us and you deserve to know why as she now also has some difficult decisions to make. I cannot tell her how to feel no more than anyone else can tell me how to feel. I will always love her and our kids but continuing this lie is not fair to anyone.
The last two months I have been seeing a therapist to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings. The biggest thing that I have been working on is my guilt and acceptance. Being Transgender isn't a bad thing. In fact admitting this to myself has lifted 20+ years of burden off my shoulders. I need to be myself and do what makes me happy in order to be a whole person. I'm in a hole right now, and until recently the only direction I know was to keep digging. I am no longer ashamed of who I am, and need you to know this about me as well.
I know facing this I am risking everything including my wife and kids, family and quite possibly my career. I know this news is hard to accept... trust me I've been trying to accept this since I was a kid. I cannot however see living another 32 years in his prison. Imagine for a second here what that would be like. Imagine you, a girl or boy, in the opposite body, and unable to do anything about it. You see the world as a guy or girl, but have to live as a girl or guy, pushed along by societal current, tradition, and bare survival instinct into positions and identities that are increasingly uncomfortable to you, unpalatable to you. Everything about your existence is laced with lies, and it feels like there's nothing that you can do about it. Every time you look at a man or woman with your build but the body of the opposite sex you feel "Why Can't I?" "I Wish!" "Why?!" These are all thoughts I have on a daily basis.
Being transgendered is not a social trend or a lifestyle. It's simply expressing to the world how I feel and I want to make clear that this is not a choice. I am not just simply deciding to become a woman. This is me allowing myself to be who I am, and it is the only route that I can take, because I am done lying about who I am. I am going to become a second-class citizen in the eyes of many people. I am going to be opening myself up to discrimination and hate. I am going to jeopardize my job security. I am opening myself up to abandonment and rejection by family and friends. I am diving headfirst into what is really a whole world of social trouble, and it is not something that I would choose to do. It's not a curable condition or something you can simply take a happy pill to make it go away. It's being honest with myself for once in my life and in my heart who I am supposed to be. I hope that through all this you can still accept me and in time you will still be able to love me for who I really am. I know this will be just as difficult for you to understand as it has been for myself. I am not sure at this time where this road will lead me but this is something I have to confront one step at a time.
I know you will have allot of questions and concerns for me and I will answer them truthfully whenever you ask. Thank you for all of your love and support throughout the years.
With Love,
May
