Coming out letter to parents

[TerriT]

I know I don't post much lately but any feedback would be appreciated. My parents on not going to be pleased about this but oh well.

Also, I changed my name but that's not really important right now.

This is draft number 6.

---

Dear Mom and Dad,

Writing this letter is one of the hardest things I've had to do and what I'm going to tell you will be confusing and difficult to hear. Please know that Laura and I are in good health and are not facing any life threatening crisis.

I have struggled with my gender identity for many years. The guilt and shame I knew from a young age taught me that I must never let anyone know how I felt and that I would take this to my grave. I convinced myself I would grow out of this. I would never end up like some "freak" on Jerry Springer. But I either accept who I am or I no longer continue living a life with any meaning. I am transgendered.

I know in our family this is an ugly word and something to fear. Being transgendered is not your fault. Nothing you did caused this and nothing you could have done would have prevented this. It is not something most people will understand. I'm not trying to convince you of anything, change your minds or debate the merits of what it means to be transgendered. I have been dealing with this for a very long time and this is completely new to you. I wish this was something I didn't have to burden you or anyone else with.

Here is the short version. I had a conversation with my doctor in late 2012. She insisted I begin seeing a therapist who specializes in cases like mine, which began in early 2013. By July I was officially diagnosed with Gender Identity Dysphoria. Basically, that means my brain is not aligned with my birth gender. It probably sounds like new age bull->-bleeped-<-, but I assure you, it is real and it is miserable. Shortly after my diagnosis and under careful doctor supervision, I began a treatment known as Hormone Replacement Therapy.

This is a process designed to induce certain chemical and physical traits that will transition my body to female in appearance. It is a long, slow treatment, but over time changes become more and more noticeable and I simply can't hide them from you anymore. If I have grown more distant than usual, this is the reason. I delayed this letter for as long as possible.

All of this has taken a considerable toll on SO. Although she has faced this with grace, dignity and understanding, it has been painful for her. I am lucky that she has displayed the courage to stick with me for this long. I can't predict what the future holds for us, but it is my hope that we find a way to move forward together. She has pledged me her full support and to defend me as needed. She even helped select a new name, Terri, which I am proud to have.

I know this will not be easy. I know that I will be judged and that I will not always be treated well by others. I know that I will be joked about and insulted and ridiculed. I will be discriminated against and there is a very real danger that somebody will react violently. I know that I will put you and everyone I love into a difficult, embarrassing situation. But I am remain optimistic about my future. I have built a large support network and have found many understanding and helpful people. I know that I will need them. Fortunately I have had mostly positive experiences with others and I find people are more curious about me than horrified.

Please take some time to think this over before contacting me. There are many resources available if you are interested in learning more about transgendered issues. When you are ready, I will try my best to answer any questions or concerns you have.

I hope that someday you and our family can find a way to accept me, my identity as female and my new name.

Love,

Terri

TBD resources and stuff down here.

---

[immortal gypsy]

First impressions your letter seems sort of detached as if you are writing to your parents about yourself, not as yourself.

What I like about the letter is you have explained each step on your journey, (local doctor,  therapist, diagnosis) and how this was not an overnight snap decision for you.

I can't see any questions you haven't pre empted. You have explained why you had become distance. As well as the fact that your partner has been with you now,  but you don't know what tomorrow will bring.

The resource list and the asking not demanding your family accept you good. As it allows them time to process think and then contact you later.

All in all a well written letter that covers everything, but not too long to drone on so it looses context. Maybe a little cold and detached for me personally, but this is your letter and your parents so you would know how best to talk to them

[Ms Grace]

I agree with Gypsy. Add a bit of yourself into it that is the emotional part - how bad you felt before and how much better you feel now. Where do you expect things to go now, how you would like to continue your relationship with your folks. Also, consider including a picture or two of yourself so they have a sense of who you are now.

Good luck though, sounds like they will be a tough audience.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Tiffany

Previous comments are spot on.  You are being very formal with them - I'm not sure whether this is because you're not a very emotionally close family or because you are  nervous about the message.   Your tone implies that you are expecting rejection or criticism - are you sure this is going to be the case?

With my family, I also started with a letter (email actually), but although I knew they would be shocked, I also strongly susected that I would not be rejected, and that their love would be unconditional.   They were the last people in my world to be informed, because I needed to be 100% sure of my decision before I took the family on this involuntary journey.  What I did not anticipate was how indignant they were to be the last to know.  If any of this applies to you, consider how you respond.

Finally, I knew they would ask me key questions about my welfare, and I provided a full page of Q&A's.  If this is of any use to you, please use them:

- Why haven't I talked about this before?
- Why can't I just be gay?
- How will I look?
- How will I dress?
- What about my job?
- What happens next to my body?
- What about professional help?
- Who knows about this?

You've got a great starting point!!  I hope that some of my ramblings make sense.

Good luck!
Julia

[Shantel]

A very nice, well written and respectful letter Tiffany "Terri", I agree with Ms Grace's comments which would make it perfect. Don't be afraid honey, I know your parent's are older probably close to my age and we older types are sometimes resistant to change, but if you are patient with them and continue to be your calm, loving self to them they will come around eventually.

[TerriT]

Thank you all so much. I think I will expand on my future and feeling better a little bit more. My parents are very analytical and I don't want to have a sappy, overly whiny letter. I also live far away and only see them a couple of times a year. We don't have a very close relationship although I know they love me. They have made openly hostile statements towards trans people before so I don't want to have any sense of needing their permission. I will consider a picture but worry that it will be something they wouldn't be prepared for. I think if we communicate again I would feel better texting something.

[Ms Grace]

The reason I suggest a pic is because otherwise their minds will fill in the blanks. It is a natural human thing to do and the less someone understands/knows about m2f combined with any prejudices can mean they paint a very unflattering, very stereotyped picture. I found telling people and then showing them a pic really helped give them a sense of who I was becoming. My mother was literally quite stunned. You're an attractive woman Terri, showing them what their "new" daughter could potentially stop them from imagining "the worst".

[Shantel]

The reason I suggest a pic is because otherwise their minds will fill in the blanks. It is a natural human thing to do and the less someone understands/knows about m2f combined with any prejudices can mean they paint a very unflattering, very stereotyped picture. I found telling people and then showing them a pic really helped give them a sense of who I was becoming. My mother was literally quite stunned. You're an attractive woman Terri, showing them what their "new" daughter could potentially stop them from imagining "the worst".

Amen to that, an excellent idea!

[EllieM]

It's a good letter. This is never easy. Asking them to ruminate about this for a while before contacting you is a very good idea. I agree with Grace, you should send them some pictures, you are an attractive woman and they should see that. I am unsure of whether you should send the images with the letter or after you hear back from them, but they should see you as you are, feminine and beautiful.

[TerriT]

Ok, I will take some pics this weekend (after I get my hair colored lol) and see. They will think the worst no matter what but at least they will see me as mostly normal. I have 2 very attractive sisters though and don't really want to be compared to them.

[androgynouspainter26]

Tiffany,

Oh, I really hope this goes well!  I actually really thought the more formal tone you were using could work to your advantage-I think oftentimes, it's easy for people to dismiss being transgender as some sort of transient desire, and using dry, rigid, and assertive language like you were tends to dismiss that notion before it becomes the focus of their thoughts.  When you're coming out of the closet as anything, people tend to take you more seriously if you present the issue logically, and without showing too much emotion-the other thing people do to dismiss us when we first come out is by dismissing this as a mental illness.  If I were you, I'd try to avoid some of the more intense, emotional bits.  It's not that those aren't very, very important-it's just that this is going to come as a huge shock to them, and you want to try and keep them in as calm a place as possible while reading it.  This is just my opinion as a writer though, maybe I'm wrong

On the subject of breaking the news gently-I'm going to disagree with everyone else here and really give a word of caution about sending pictures (at least for now).  This is going to be a shock to them, and it's usually easier to digest any sort of news in the abstract form than it is to see something concrete.  It'll be intense for them to read your letter, and it might be best for you to ease them into this whole thing.  They should absolutely see the real you, but you should give them a chance to digest what's happening first.  I really worry that you might be hurting yourself if you do...even if they do think the worst, it might be best to give them a bit of time before showing them the real you. 

Anyhow, I hope things go well!  It's always tough, coming out to the family-but I really hope yours takes the news better than you think. 

Best of luck,
Sasha

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

I would change these  'will' s to mays or could bes :
I know that I will be joked about and insulted and ridiculed. I will be discriminated against and there is a very real danger that somebody will react violently. I know that I will put you and everyone I love into a difficult, embarrassing situation.

It's not true that they are all certain.  They may well happen,  but you are saying it will,  which directs them to a set opinion.

Good luck tiff. 

My parents disowned me.  It sucks,  you think about it all the time, but you will get past it even if they do the same.  It's not the most important thing.

Good luck again.  X

[helen2010]

Good luck Tiff

Reads like a great letter.   You know your parents best and you know your relationship.  Apart from Kira's comments I think that you should follow  your gut instinct.  It would be best if your sisters have been fully briefed so that they know how to respond when they get the inevitable call.

Safe travels

Aisla

[TerriT]

Wow, I didn't expect this much response. You've all given me things to think about. Thank you. I addressed the idea of a picture by breaching that topic with them towards the end. Maybe I'll make one of those facebooking things all the kids are doing. I tried to infuse a little more personality into it, but I don't want to overdue that. I already spilled Laura's name but it's not a big deal. Sister's will know probably as soon as my mom does. I don't speak to my brother. I will follow up with the sisters since they have their own families. But I see them even less than my parents.

Also, I'm using "freak" because they'll understand that, you know what I mean.

Here is draft #7. I'm quite happy with it:)

---

Dear Mom and Dad,

Writing this letter is one of the hardest things I've had to do and what I'm going to tell you will be confusing and difficult to hear. I will try to make this as quick and painless as possible. Please know that Laura and I are in good health and are not facing any life threatening crisis.

I have struggled with my gender identity for many years. The guilt and shame I knew from a young age taught me that I must never let anyone know how I felt and that I would take these feelings to my grave. I convinced myself I would grow out of this. I would never end up like some "freak" on Jerry Springer. But I had to accept who I am or I could no longer continue living a life with any meaning. I am transgendered.

I know in our family this is an ugly word and something to fear. My being transgendered is not your fault. Nothing you did caused this and nothing you could have done would have prevented this. It is not something most people will understand. I'm not trying to convince you of anything, change your minds or debate the merits of what it means to be transgendered. I have been dealing with this for a very long time and this is completely new to you. I wish this was something I didn't have to burden you or anyone else with.

Here is the short version leading up to this moment.

I started a conversation with my doctor in late 2012. She insisted I begin seeing a therapist who specializes in cases like mine, which began in early 2013. By July I was officially diagnosed with Gender Identity Dysphoria. Basically, that means my brain is not aligned with my birth gender. It probably sounds like new age bull->-bleeped-<-, but I assure you, it is real and it is miserable. Shortly after my diagnosis and under careful doctor supervision, I began a treatment known as Hormone Replacement Therapy.

This is a process designed to induce certain chemical and physical traits that will transition my body from male to female. It is a long, slow treatment, but over time the changes become more and more noticeable and I simply can't hide them from you anymore. If I have grown more distant than usual, this is the reason. I've delayed sending this letter for as long as possible.

All of this has taken a considerable toll on Laura. Although she has faced this with grace, dignity and understanding, it has been painful for her. I am lucky that she has displayed the courage to stick with me for this long. I can't predict what the future holds for us, but it is my hope that we find a way to move forward together. She has pledged me her full support and to defend me as needed. She even helped select a new name, Terri, which I am proud to have.

I know this will not be easy. I know that I may be judged and that I may not always be treated well by others. I know that I may be joked about and insulted and ridiculed. I may be discriminated against and there is a very real danger that somebody may react violently. I know that I may put you and everyone I love into a difficult, embarrassing situation.

But I am remain totally optimistic about my future. I've built a large support network and have found many understanding and helpful people. I know that I will need them. Fortunately, I've had mostly positive experiences with others and I find people are more curious about me than horrified. I am treated pretty well. I have a successful career which provides plenty of opportunities and is in a creative field where I am more easily accepted. I'm financially stable and I have my health. And of course I still have my Star Wars and comics and guitars.

Some things never change.

Please take time to think this over before contacting me. There are many resources available if you are interested in learning more about transgendered issues. When you are ready, I will try my best to answer any questions or concerns you have. If it would help, I'd be happy to send you a picture in case you are imagining the worst. I will follow up with Sister A and Sister B soon but you are of course free to discuss anything with them ahead of time. I plan to spare Grandma this news.

I grew up in a loving, supportive home. I hope that you and the rest of our family can find a way to accept me now, my identity as female and my new name.

Love,

Terri

yadda yadda resources

[Julia-Madrid]

Spot on Tiffany!

Good luck girl! I am sure you're going to be just fine!

Hugs
Julia

[Shantel]

Perfect letter Tiffany!

Being an aging parent of two men in their early 40's I can assure you that had I received such a letter and not been trans myself, I'm sure that I would have no choice but to continue to accept love that child regardless. Eventually we older folks come to the realization that we no longer assert any control over our children's lives and that they are their own distinct persons and are solely responsible for their own decisions and nothing we have done or could do would have changed the course of their lives. When we accept that then as parent's we needn't feel guilty that they turned out differently than we originally had dreamed they would. There's a lot of freedom for the parent's when they can release their offspring to follow their own dreams.

[Megumi]

My only suggestions are to speak/in this case type from the heart. Add in personal stories about your life in experiences that greatly effected you without them noticing that these feelings were going on. How did it make you feel at really important moments in your life? When I wrote my parents my letter it was many pages long and told everything that I could ever tell them but was always too afraid to tell them in person. Pour your soul into your letter as much as possible because that's what will have the greatest impact. 

I would change transgendered to just transgender though. Having the ered on the end of transgender has never made sense to me but that's my own opinion.

[jeninindiana]

i think your letter is great as a mother myself of 3 sons my main focus is always their happiness she is simply never going to accept any situation that she perceives is going to lead to you being miserable or any situation that is going to lead to the big wide world being cruel or unfair or hurtful to her child  so it will take some convincing that this will lead to your happiness and is what you need to do . you need is to convince her that you are happy , used to be very unhappy , and that you do have support and acceptance from other people around you . this will reduce her anxiety over the issue and she will accept something that will lead to your happiness but if its not something she believes will lead to your happiness she will fight it with ever ounce of her being and exert all the influence she has in your life to prevent it and discourage you from doing something she believes will lead to your misery and destruction

if this life choice is going to lead to positive things and not negative things you will be amazed at how supportive she becomes but if she does not think it will will be a good life for you then just think of someone who is on a very concentrated and focused mission to make sure you have a life where you will be most happy and no matter what she has to do shes not going to abandon her mission mothers can be very determined if she is aware that she has any influence over your decision making (which she is) and  she knows she has influence she will use it to the best of her ability im sure to try and change your mind . make her aware of the positive support you have from people around you for mom that is the main thing . your dad might have different issues he will be dealing with but for mom she is concerned with how society will treat you and that you are in an environment that will build you up and not tear you down .

in a letter or in person i would also include and make sure she is aware of the positive reactions you are getting from people around you and talk about your support system and friends . it really will make a huge difference  and IF she did think it would make you happy she would not see it as a problem and would be happy for you[/b] and excited herself at the idea of a new daughter if its a life to be excited about that is . and that is just with anything you decide to do in life not just this ...

i think you should wait and let your mom name you a new girls name that would be an important bonding experience for you both i hope you reconsider you naming yourself i think a mother or father should name their children and those who want a new name , say one that is more girly or for any other reason , that is something that is important to parents your name . keep the name your parent named you and make it feminine but changing your name to something completely different altogether i would feel sad if one of my sons changed their name because each of their names means something to me which is why it was specifically chosen and im sure she has a girls name that she has always liked . a name should always be given by mom that is her place to give you any name ....... i think that could effect the relationship you have with your mother or father or whoever  named you . so let your mom (or dad) give you a new name and get involved . you will be glad you did and so will she and it will bring the two of you closer together part of the excitement about a boy or a girl is the name that you have the exclusive right apart from all people to give to your child . so dont take that away from her a name is important , itll make her sad and feel very disconnected from the person you have become.

[Julia-Madrid]

i think you should wait and let your mom name you a new girls name that would be an important bonding experience for you both i hope you reconsider you naming yourself i think a mother or father should name their children

Hi Jenininindiana, that is such a great suggestion to make.  I guess that most of us want to reserve the right to choose the name that we believe reflects our new persona and image, but to involve one's parents is probably one of the most powerfully inclusive signals one can give.

Since my real name is gender-neutral, I haven't needed to give my parents that problem.  But I certainly have given them a whole bunch of others... 

Hugs
Julia (in forum-land, at least)

[Julia-Madrid]

Ok, I will take some pics this weekend (after I get my hair colored lol) and see. They will think the worst no matter what but at least they will see me as mostly normal. I have 2 very attractive sisters though and don't really want to be compared to them.

Hi Tiffany

If your current avatar pic and you are the same person, then you've got nothing to worry about, really! 

I sent a couple of pics immediately after the main email just so my family didn't imagine someone like RuPaul, or John Wayne in a dress 

You're gonna be fine.  Please let us know how things evolve.

Hugs (¡abrazos!)
Julia