Stay with current therapist or seek out gender specialist?

[adrian]

Hi all,

so I recently understood (finally!) that I'm ftm transgender. At this point I'm a total mess for all the implications this has for my current life (especially my marriage).
I've been seeing a therapist for about a year. I trust him and the work with him has ultimately lead to this point where I understood where all of my health issues originate.
The thing is, he isn't a gender specialist. He knows I identify as nonbinary (doesn't know about the trans thing yet because conveniently I figured this out during a four week therapy break which is still ongoing). He's been supportive, helpful, and I trust him a lot. He never judged me. I'm wondering if I should continue to work with him or whether I should find a therapist specializing in transgender stuff (that'll be difficult to begin with).

I know I could do both, but I guess I'm interested in knowing what it is specifically that you gained from working with a gender specialist?

Personally, I totally trust that my therapist will be able to help me sort out practical issues: how to navigate this difficult time in my marriage, how to tackle the transition process etc. But what would it take for him to be able to help me figure out what being trans means for me and what my identity is specifically?

I'd greatly appreciate to read about some of your experiences.

[Taka]

it can be really hard to find a good therapist, and yours sounds like one you want to keep. from what you say, it seems you have more things going on than just being trans, and you'll want a good therapists to work on all that. just transitioning doesn't fix anything other than your body, all the other stuff doesn't just magically go away, but you can use the time that transition takes to deal with that too.

seeking out a gender therapist in addition would be a great idea. i never needed one to find out who i am, and none of them seem able to help me with transition, so i didn't use one, and can't tell you about any gains that you might get in another country. if your current therapist is inexperienced, it might be a good idea to seek one out and see if they can do anything for you. in the end, you are the only one who can tell whether any kind of therapist is any good for you, from the stories i've read here, it would seem like not all gender therapists are useful for their different clients.

[Ms Grace]

Sounds like they are a perfectly decent counsellor. I'd suggest talking to them about it, if they feel that they wouldn't be able to support you due to their lack of experience then maybe they can refer you on to someone who can. It's not essential for someone to be a gender therapist, it's just that those tend to be more open to and aware of the issues that affect trans people and how to deal with them.

[adrian]

Thank you for your thoughts - they are greatly appreciated and very valuable to me.

I initially started therapy because of (physical) health issues that no doctor was able to resolve. About four months ago I realized gender played a bigger role in this than I had guessed. So gender has been a topic, but so far not a central one. This will be a bit of a surprise for my therapist I think (I mean *I'm* still astonished). I'll have to see how he takes it . He's straight and cis for all I can tell, and he would have to be willing to learn more about trans issues I suppose.

[OlderTG]

Well, I can tell you that you aren't alone in your situation. I JUST uncovered that I'm transgender through therapy. Just last week I asked my psychiatrist if he felt competent to help me through whatever I may have in front of me, for the same reasons you mentioned.

He admitted not having expertise in that area, but that he would do all he can to help me. He is not a stranger to LGBT issues and has dealt with some within his own family. He's done so much for me that I'd hate to start with someone else at this point.

That, along with the thought that so many others have gone through this without therapy, tells me I'm doing the right thing for now, at the least. You'll need to come to your own conclusion, but it sounded to me like you already have! I wish us BOTH luck!!

[Tysilio]

I also had a therapist I trusted and worked well with; he was the person who helped me (among other things...) get to the point where I could say, "Yeah, I'm trans, and I need to deal with this." We worked on gender identity stuff for a while, and then one day he said "Y'know, I'm starting to feel a bit out of my depth with this, and I think we need to get some other people on the team." We talked about what that might mean: finding another therapist to consult with, finding some sort of group for me to join, seeing someone else...

I ended up continuing to see him while getting started at the local gender clinic, and gradually made the switch -- I'm now seeing a very good gender specialist (who's also a trans guy, which doesn't hurt one bit  ) and going to the transmasculine group there.

The transition from one clinic to the other was very smooth. I didn't finish with the first therapist until I was doing pretty well with the issues for which I went to him in the first place, so the new guy and I are able to focus (mostly  ) on gender-related stuff.

If you work well with the person you're seeing now, you should probably talk with him about these concerns as part of the general picture; just be open to whatever develops, and trust that you'll both know when the time comes that you need more specialized help.

[Rachel]

It sounds like for now your therapist "fits".

I do not know where you are and the conditions for HRT differ from location to location. So it may be beneficial to find that out and if that is your need then you may want to adjust accordingly.

Trans* issues can be very different than CIS issues so experience in trans* may become an eventual need.

I am married too and have been for 21 years. My wife and our daughter have been adjusting  but I am not pesenting yet. Work knows (HR, boss and some co-workers) but just a few and I present male. I keep them informed as to my status. They are anxious and check in periodically. My initial intent was to disclose everything and present relatively quickly. Through therapy and Susan's I figured out I can slow down and learn a lot about myself and how to navigate my transition my way. This is a very big change and I had 2 therapists in 20 months, each gender therapists practicing in a trans* saturated location and have a lot of trans* experience. One is trans and the other married to a trans. Understanding your specific needs is very important as is how transition will effect you through past experience.

Perhaps making a list of gender therapists and keeping it updated is an option for now.

[adrian]

Thank you for your thoughts on this, everyone. You confirm my gut feeling about this.
I guess what expect from my therapist is support, that he uses his expertise in problem solving to help me sort out anything that I encounter along the way.
I suppose my worries are that I will have to use an extra amount of "energy" to explain to him how I feel and which issues I'm facing, because he won't just "know" or get it.

That, along with the thought that so many others have gone through this without therapy, tells me I'm doing the right thing for now, at the least. You'll need to come to your own conclusion, but it sounded to me like you already have! I wish us BOTH luck!!

OlderTG, yes, best of luck to us! Yes, I think that I'm capable of figuring out (or already have) who I am and how far I will have to transition to lessen the dysphoria/become more of myself. 

I also had a therapist I trusted and worked well with; he was the person who helped me (among other things...) get to the point where I could say, "Yeah, I'm trans, and I need to deal with this." We worked on gender identity stuff for a while, and then one day he said "Y'know, I'm starting to feel a bit out of my depth with this, and I think we need to get some other people on the team." We talked about what that might mean: finding another therapist to consult with, finding some sort of group for me to join, seeing someone else...

I ended up continuing to see him while getting started at the local gender clinic, and gradually made the switch -- I'm now seeing a very good gender specialist (who's also a trans guy, which doesn't hurt one bit  ) and going to the transmasculine group there. The transition from one clinic to the other was very smooth.

The transition from one clinic to the other was very smooth. I didn't finish with the first therapist until I was doing pretty well with the issues for which I went to him in the first place, so the new guy and I are able to focus (mostly  ) on gender-related stuff.

If you work well with the person you're seeing now, you should probably talk with him about these concerns as part of the general picture; just be open to whatever develops, and trust that you'll both know when the time comes that you need more specialized help.

This sounds like an excellent way of doing this! I would trust my current therapist to tell me when he feels out of his depths. I just hope it doesn't happen to soon.

It sounds like for now your therapist "fits".

I do not know where you are and the conditions for HRT differ from location to location. So it may be beneficial to find that out and if that is your need then you may want to adjust accordingly.

Trans* issues can be very different than CIS issues so experience in trans* may become an eventual need.

I am married too and have been for 21 years. My wife and our daughter have been adjusting  but I am not pesenting yet. Work knows (HR, boss and some co-workers) but just a few and I present male. I keep them informed as to my status. They are anxious and check in periodically. My initial intent was to disclose everything and present relatively quickly. Through therapy and Susan's I figured out I can slow down and learn a lot about myself and how to navigate my transition my way. This is a very big change and I had 2 therapists in 20 months, each gender therapists practicing in a trans* saturated location and have a lot of trans* experience. One is trans and the other married to a trans. Understanding your specific needs is very important as is how transition will effect you through past experience.

Perhaps making a list of gender therapists and keeping it updated is an option for now.

Thank you, Cynthia for your great suggestions! In my initial euphoria I read up about HRT and everything immediately, so I'm on top of that topic for now . I have identified two male gender specialists in my area (somehow I have never felt comfortable to work with female therapists) and I decided I will contact one out of curiosity. It can't harm to talk to him to find out what his ideas on how to proceed are.

Initially I was all like "I have to transition NOW" (and I still feel it's ultimately the only thing that will help me feel more "whole", not just as mismatched parts). But I also know I shouldn't rush into this, for the sake of my husband, but probably also for the sake of myself. I think my therapist will helpful in that department too .

[iiMTF]

Sounds like they are a perfectly decent counsellor. I'd suggest talking to them about it, if they feel that they wouldn't be able to support you due to their lack of experience then maybe they can refer you on to someone who can. It's not essential for someone to be a gender therapist, it's just that those tend to be more open to and aware of the issues that affect trans people and how to deal with them.

I'm with Grace on this one.

iiMTF