Optimism vs pessimism

[Jaime006]

So I saw my therapist again yesterday and we talked a lot more about the feasibility of passing. I explained that my shoulders actually weren't that wide and that my hands and feet wouldn't be that out of place given that I'm 6'2". Plus my wife pointed out that as I'm losing weight I actually have a curve showing off a defined waist and my shoulders aren't that much larger than my hips. So figure wise I should be pretty good. My face isn't that masculine and I'll be able to afford FFS to improve it as necessary. So while I'll be tall I think I could have a pretty good transition.

However, my therapist claims that the effects of hormones are very subtle and that under any sort of close scrutiny it would be easy to tell I was trans. I'm skeptical of her claims since I've seen amazing results both on this forum and on ->-bleeped-<-. My therapist counters that there's a fair amount of self-deception online and that photos can be photo shopped. While there's elements of truth to both statements I think she's being overly pessimistic about it all. She's admitted part of her role is to provide balance to my optimism but it's seeming excessively negative. Plus if all the good photos are photo shopped I'd think people would take better quality photos for the most part, maybe some are altered but calling them all suspect seems paranoid.

I've talked to my wife about it and she says based on how much it's upsetting me I should probably find a new specialist which I'm starting to agree with. I'm also going to a local trans support meeting on Wednesday so I can get some in person testimonials and questions answered about peoples' experiences and hopefully get new therapist recommendations. I'm also seeing a trans friendly general practitioner in about a week and can ask for new therapist recommendations and get professional opinions on how effective hormones actually are, etc.

I've also been thinking about it a lot. Success stories online are self selective so you'll see a lot more of the ones people are proud of than not. I don't see a whole lot of "failure stories" but I don't know if that's because they generally don't exist or people just don't write about them. So yeah, expecting amazing results has a good chance of leading to let down since everyone's experiences will be different. But I won't know how it will go for me until I try. I think I've got a lot of good things going for me and I don't want to live a life of regret for being too scared to move forward. Maybe I'll be lucky and I'll see major results from hormones, maybe I won't. I'm 30 so I'm pretty sure I'm young enough to still have a good transition and I'm financially stable enough to do the technically optional things such as FFS, VFS, etc.

tl;dr; I'm optimistic about having a good transition but my therapist gives me huge doubts. Be honest with me, how much am I fooling myself or how much is my therapist overly pessimistic?

[Juliett]

 The best approach I've found is to accept that I'm a woman and anything HRT does is just a bonus.
Don't over think it or you will drive yourself crazy.

And for the love of God, get a new therapist.

[iiMTF]

And for the love of God, get a new therapist.

Agreed. This one doesn't sound very good.

iiMTF

[katiej]

Reading your description, it sounds to me like your optimism is already fairly balanced. 

A lot of trans people have significant baggage to deal with in addition to our gender-related issues.  So I can see where your therapist is coming from...it's probably her default setting.  But the fact that you're 30, stable, and asking the right questions leads me to believe that you're going to be fine.  And with a supportive wife, you're already way ahead of the game.

Women come in all shapes and sizes.  Very few have an hourglass figure, and so they learn how to dress for their body type.  I'm sure your wife can help you with that.  For example, I would never wear a tight mini skirt.  Women my age (I'm 36) just don't, and it would accentuate my lack of hips.  An a-line skirt on the other hand, gives the illusion of wider hips.  And paired with a cardigan or loose top, I can hide my waistline.

My body type is the carrot, or sometimes called boyish figure.  And there's plenty of fashion advice online for my body type.  And it sounds like you're pretty similar...just 6 inches taller. 

[stephaniec]

I think it all  depends on why you want to transition.

[Cin]

A good therapist to me is one with a fair balance of both optimism/skepticism, i.e, they shouldn't try and scare you off from transitioning (Unless they're just testing if it's the right path for you), but at the same time shouldn't make you feel like it's all sunshine and rainbows after transitioning.

[Foxglove]

Success stories online are self selective so you'll see a lot more of the ones people are proud of than not. I don't see a whole lot of "failure stories" but I don't know if that's because they generally don't exist or people just don't write about them.

I'd really kind of disagree with this.  There are lots of people out there who are very honest with themselves.  If they don't get the results they'd like to get, they're very forthright about it.  And lots of them don't let it get them down unduly.  They look for other ways to accomplish what they want to.  Such people have all my admiration and respect.

But I won't know how it will go for me until I try. I think I've got a lot of good things going for me and I don't want to live a life of regret for being too scared to move forward.

I think this is a very good attitude to adopt.  I wish I had adopted it 30-40 years ago.  Best of luck to you!