Why the animosity toward trans people who have difficult times?

[Agent_J]

I'm asking this due to my own experiences. I've had unvarnished anger from other trans people because I had serious difficulty with access to medical transition (including outright lies, though I didn't know that at the time.) It even includes classic double-binds, such as being told that I'm "an idiot" for staying with a doctor who isn't giving good treatment and then that the problem must be me when I point out that this is my third doctor (the problem, ultimately, was that I needed to travel multiple states to get treatment.) It even extends to openly expressed anger because I found happiness when I was finally able to get my driver's license gender marker updated, calling me "stupid" for being happy about it. I've also been accused of being a troll and a religious plant, or simply seeking my 15 minutes of fame (even though I have been contacted more than once by conservative, anti-trans groups who want to use my story and have always refused to participate.)

Through all of this I have never said that transition or surgery is wrong for anyone else, much less that it is wrong for everyone else, but I regularly receive vitriolic comments that are clearly based on the presumption that I have said so.

[suzifrommd]

I'm wondering how much of what you're seeing comes from the fact that there ARE a lot of people who are trying to deny us access to the care we need and a common tactic is to trot out people who purportedly went down the road we're seeking to travel and ended up the worse for it. After hearing umpteen stories like that, a knee-jerk reaction grows against anyone who has that narrative.

For myself, every time I hear your story, it infuriates me that one of our kind could be treated the way you were. I've seen enough rampant ignorance among even those who are consider expert in our care that I can easily believe your caregivers misled you, either deliberately or perhaps with the best intentions. There are a lot of people who are charged with care of transgender people who are doing more harm than good and I hate that we're basically powerless to stop it.

My heart goes out to you. Count me as at least one person who respects you and is glad you've been willing to tell your story.

[Dread_Faery]

Because people who are not as secure in their identities as they would necessarily like tend to react negatively towards those who don't match their experiences.

For what it's worth, hearing your story, I think the blame lies with medical professionals pushing their own notions of gender on you, rather than letting you explore it for yourself. Honestly if I'd been put in the same position I'd probably have done the same.

[Monkeymel]

It is very easy for therapists to blind patients unnecessarily. From my own experience my therapist had a hunch that many TG may have had a repressed session of child abuse. When I started dreaming of things which didn't happen I knew I had to take a break.

I can easily see how in your situation it was possible to be blindfolded down a path which we are led to believe but later realise was completely wrong. I hope you are able to find good ways to deal with the outcome and heal yourself.

Forums are anonymous places. Unless you get to meet the real person it becomes hard to judge what is right - and therein lies the problem. We judge without knowing all the details. We use our ego rather than our heart. We use the path to SRS as the goal to define us truly as a woman. And yet a pure woman or man does not exist (unless you are purely defining it on physical attributes). They are social constructs - and we experience all shades from black to white.

Changing our bodies permanently is a massive undertaking and should never be used as a carrot, stick or holy grail. Those that have should understand that it is not right for everyone. And doctors and therapists should be working together to help the patient understand their own deeper needs and not just apply the blanket recipe.

[Agent_J]

Locally, I'm quite willing to "name and shame" the providers. I don't generally try to discourage anyone from seeing a given providers*, but want to be sure that they know there are other options even in the area. That the local trans community as it then existed was rather unwilling to share that information was part of the problems I had.

On that note, I have received this from people I've known for years, met in person, etc.

* My sole exception was a 16 year old at the start of her transition with supportive parents and another person in the group was trying to guide her parents to take her to the most problematic provider I had. The idea of that girl being subjected to the genital exams compelled me to speak more strongly than normal.

[antonia]

Perhaps you are experiencing what is commonly called the "Hazing Phenomenon", where those that have gone before you feel like you should have to suffer the same way they did before you are accepted into their society, I've witnessed this and also the "Because I never got to do it you should not either and if you do I don't want to be reminded of my own failures so you are not welcome" (longest description ever).

If this is the case I don't think there is much that can be done other than being more understanding and welcoming to newcomers.

[Adam (birkin)]

I'm glad you posed this question, because it has prompted me to reflect on some of my own behaviour and attitudes towards others. I'm not super familiar with your story but I know sometimes I have felt frustrated with people who have had difficulties.

I think it's because I reflect on my own story...I haven't had all the difficulties that many people face, but I have had some pretty big barriers and setbacks, and some challenges that followed me for years. Many times, my barriers seemed nearly insurmountable and were super frustrating for me. It was a very emotional three years. And in retrospect, I believe that had I been more aggressive, I could have solved my problems much quicker and I regret not doing so. So sometimes when I see people who are having struggles that *seem* reminiscent of my own, all I want to do is grab them and tell them to FIGHT and get that ->-bleeped-<- solved lol. But that's my preconception. Realistically, I don't know how much that person has fought, I don't know what challenges they have that perhaps I don't. Also, everything is clear in hindsight, and maybe I would have made things worse for myself at the time had I been more aggressive. So really, I shouldn't make assumptions about what is right for a person and assume I know their life and how to solve their problems. But sometimes I do, because I hate to see people suffer and all I want to do is try and help them make their own lives better.

[JulieBlair]

Agent_J,

I am writing out of some ignorance, because I have not taken the time to review your story.  That you have been treated with intolerance on this or any support forum is sad and wrong.  We all have our own story.  Struggle always seems to be a part of it.   It is my belief that a search for an authentic life that is not founded in compassion for another's pain and trouble cannot be a search for the truth about ourselves and how we interact with the broader world.

I came here feeling lonely, angry, different and afraid every day of my life.  I was fundamentally wrong, misshapen and ugly.  If I had not been received with warmth and generosity of spirit, I would not have survived.  I do not have so much hubris as to think I have answers, but I do have enormous empathy, and I have my story.

My story is what I offer people both new and more worldly.  It is true, it is real.  I can and will listen to yours and pass any help or such wisdom as I have.  I will never declare anyone's path as inferior, or in some way wrong.  I think that if we cannot be helpful and loving we ought to stay very still.  That doesn't mean that I will blithely stay silent if I know a better way.  But it does mean that I must separate assistance from criticism of who someone is or challenge the validity of their experience.

That this happens saddens me. That it happened to you is without justification, wrong and I apologize.  I wish you nothing but happiness and peace

Julie

[Sammy]

I have experienced this a bit in the beginning but I am still unsure about reasons. When I first started to search out for treatment protocols and possibilities, I encountered phenomenon of being denied information while at the same time being provided with bits of outdated and incorrect info (being presented as absolute truth). Plus, I was judged quite sceptically and seen as possible freak without people even trying to know me in person.  Mind You, that was our online LGBT community (which turned out to be quite transphobic) because trans-community as such does not exist here. And maybe, it is for the better, because there is one thing which learned - quite often, being trans is the only common feature among us and it does not mean or oblige us to become friends or acquaintances. And honestly, there are many inherently toxic issues involved in trans-community but I wont go into that area.
So, in the end, I figured it out by myself and luckily made only a couple of mistakes which did not cost me a lot of money. Yet, whenever I tried to speak up and share my knowledge, I would often encounter my experience being dismissed in favour of older ones (with out-of-date views). But, whatever. We are all sane adults and we can choose our picks.
But I have to admit that I have, probably, acted in the manner that was criticised by the OP. I never deny any knowledge or piece of info, and most of that stuff can be backed up by my experience. Yet, I have turned down several people who basically asked me to provide them with HRT medications. I have to admit, self-medication is quite popular here and people do and will continue doing that - just a simple statement of fact. And I know that some of those who wanted to try were quite desperate but... First of all, I did not want to take up any responsibility for what they might do with HRT medications. Secondly, having it done once, it would sort of become my "duty" to baby-sit them, their HRT and transition... and we all know that MtF brain gets quite addicted to estrogen... I did not want to be stuck with them having my private contacts - also because of that toxicity which I mentioned. They were trans but I did not want to have anything common with them - and that would be quite difficult, if they had my e-mail and phone No. I ended up with giving them general directions and "how to's" and cut all communications off. I am not skilled enough to act as a therapist or take up a support group either (mostly, because that's not what they want - all they want is hormones). Blame me, but that's the life - and it is going to get harder if You will decide to proceed that way and transition. So better start getting used ASAP.

[Donna Elvira]

Hi Agent_J,
We exchanged quite a bit many months ago, including several PM's. To be frank, I was really amazed by your story and still have difficulty understanding how you could have been the victim of such abusive practises in what is supposed to be an "Evolved" society. However I don't think there was any aggressivity in anything I said to you and I certainly don't feel any. I mostly feel sadness at the way things have worked out for you.
Against that, since I still see your posts from time to time in which you continue to express your anger about what happened, I'm inclined to think that it is really time for you to move on. Most of us have encountered difficulties of some sort of another during out transitions, rejection by family and/or friends, loss of employment, whatever.... but if you dwell on these issues for too long you are digging yourself into a hole . As some stage, you simply have to accept that today my reality is X and make the best of the situation. Easier said than done no doubt and, up to a point,  expression of anger is a normal part of getting over any perceived wrong. However, if you want get any happiness out of life, you just have to turn the page and move on.
Wishing you all the best!
Donna

[Agent_J]

That doesn't mean that I will blithely stay silent if I know a better way.

I never had a problem with offering information. What largely happened to me was being told "I know that there are other HRT doctors in your area; use them" and when I would ask for names I would be told that I needed to find them myself or similar. I still have doubts that they actually knew that there were ones whom I had not used vs. asserting what they felt had to be the case without any actual information.

[Jessica Merriman]

In my experience they knew the doctors, but made me contact them myself as an extension of therapy. By doing it I was forced to interact with office staff as the real me. It was a confidence building exercise. If the therapist had done it for me I would have never learned to get out of my comfort zone. 

[Agent_J]

Easier said than done no doubt and, up to a point,  expression of anger is a normal part of getting over any perceived wrong. However, if you want get any happiness out of life, you just have to turn the page and move on.

It's the grieving process (the stages and all that fun.) I'm finally working my way thought the stages. I learned a lot of who my real friends are as a result, too - far too many told me that I had to and should be able to just decide that it wasn't a problem and that grieving was not appropriate for the situation.

[Agent_J]

In my experience they knew the doctors, but made me contact them myself as an extension of therapy. By doing it I was forced to interact with office staff as the real me. It was a confidence building exercise. If the therapist had done it for me I would have never learned to get out of my comfort zone. 

I did the same with my third and fourth (current) HRT doctors. I wasn't able to do so for the first two because they were endos who were referral-only - by their own policies the referring office had to do that (I actually did cold-call Duke Healthcare to schedule with my second endo, but was advised of that.)

[Agent_J]

To be completely clear, I am not speaking either of any specific person on this site (though there is one person, who happens to be chat staff, who has been particularly antagonistic toward me, to the point that I put them on ignore after discussing in private with other staff and being informed that the individual was not breaking any rules.) I've even had it with people I've met face-to-face in my area.

One example came from a trans woman I know in the area who gave me a suggested plastic surgeon for BA. He had done her BA and she seriously sang his praises. I went to him and was refused as a patient for being trans; specifically, I truthfully listed SRS as a prior surgery and they stated that they did not feel "capable of managing the hormones" as the reason for refusing me. I did inquire about what changed as they had other trans women as past patients and was told that those women did not have good results (!)

I relayed this in the local trans community and the person whom had originally told me about this surgeon became very angry, insisting that the reason for the refusal was actually that I was "so negative all the time" and going on at length to try to blame me for the surgeon's actions.

[Dee Marshall]

It is very easy for therapists to blind patients unnecessarily. From my own experience my therapist had a hunch that many TG may have had a repressed session of child abuse. When I started dreaming of things which didn't happen I knew I had to take a break.

There was a huge scandal over this in the 90's. A group of therapists had the theory that ALL women had been sexually abused as children. Their use of poor forensic hypnosis techniques left hundreds of women with artificial memories. There's a book called "Making Monsters" about it.

[Jessica Merriman]

I relayed this in the local trans community and the person whom had originally told me about this surgeon became very angry, insisting that the reason for the refusal was actually that I was "so negative all the time" and going on at length to try to blame me for the surgeon's actions.

I have to admit I would feel the same way as a medical provider in your area. You have been very vocal and are willing to name names. No surgeon will take that risk to their reputation or practice. You are going to have to find a constructive way to channel your anger before you run out of treatment and provider options. I am not blaming you for being upset, but how you handle it. As a Paramedic there were frequent flier patients on my unit with histories such as yours. It get so bad that every time we ran on this person a Supervisor had to respond as well and video the entire process from our arrival on scene to E.R. delivery. The reason why? A constant stream of "this medic did this", "I got the wrong treatment", "they dropped me", etc. This is why no one will accept you for voluntary cosmetic surgery. You simply have a reputation now. I am sorry, but your attitude is the cause of your issue's. Please find an anger management therapist and begin to repair the damage you have done. It will take hard work, but it will be worth it in the end. I know you can overcome this and learn to move on. I have faith in you! 

[Agent_J]

I only share that information in trans support spaces so others would be aware. I also had no problems with any other plastic surgeon, and I have not been one to file complaints because I know that first thing that the board does is inform the doctor.

When I talk about the treatment I stick to the facts, e. g. The standard range for HRT doses is X to Y, this physician would only prescribe significantly less.

The only time I have come close to making a complaint of the sort was when offices tried to deny me access to my own records (after trying to work with them for most of a year I finally had to push.)

[Jessica Merriman]

I only share that information in trans support spaces so others would be aware.

And those people tell people and they tell people and it DOES get to medical providers eventually. If you think negative comments on the internet about therapist's and doctors do not get to people you would rather it not get to, um, no. I have no doubt therapist's and surgeon lurk here. I know that for a fact because my therapist comes here to learn the latest issue's we deal with in the real world. My Endo lurks here to see how different people respond do different HRT protocols and dosages. Sweetie, your medical community knows and the word is out.

[Agent_J]

If you think negative comments on the internet

I'm entirely aware that they do lurk, look, etc. That's why I do not post that information online; it was shared in person at support groups where I had verified that no therapists, doctors, etc., were present and that were not being recorded.