I've been depressed to one degree or another since.. early teens. Which just struck me as when my earliest solid memories of dressing up after everyone was asleep start..
My early 20's saw a lot of downs with an "up" that was more of a dead neutral plateu than an up. There were at least 2 serious attempts, one scar is still visible from trying to walk down the street rather than cross the road. Another time i had my .300 WinMag loaded and cocked, when i was interrupted by a neighbor at the door (I think she was asking about something to do with computers since she wasn't tech-savy). After she left i cleared the chamber and locked it. I wanted to, but the thought of her being the last person to see me before i killed myself didn't sit right with me. I didn't want to inflict something like that on someone else.
Mid to late 20's saw a marriage and divorce within a 3yr span. multiple short lived relationships that left me frequently with a foot dangling over the edge. Things got a bit easier after i bought my first motorcycle. It's kept me from skating too close to the edge.
All this time i'd been living with a "don't give a $#@% if i die." mentality.
Here in my early 30's, i figured out I am not who i thought i was ( I hope that makes sense.) While I feel very much alive and want to live, " i " still pops in to try and $#&@ on the parade, sending me into mini fugues.
