Did you experience depression on your journey to transitioning?

[Monica Jean]

A common theme  to so many trans gals and guys is being sucked into a seemingly never ending depression for many years prior to having the "I've had enough!" moment.

For me it has been many years of terrible depression, with some relief of it all sprinkled in, and as I kept burying my thoughts and emotions, the solution became more and more clear: admit I'm a trans gender woman, or die a terrible emotional death. 

Yet, some transwomen, just saw one on YouTube today, seemingly moved from gay to trans w/o depression issues (from what I could tell).  I found this intriguing as it seems that all trans people exhibit grave depression often in their lives.

Did your life see depression?

[Jessica Merriman]

A big YES to that. It was the depression and almost ending my life that made me go ahead with transition. I figured what could I lose as I was miserable already. Now, 9 months into full time WOW, what a difference. Life has meaning now and is an adventure not an endless period of torment. 

[Northern Jane]

I suppose you could call it that! I spent 3 or 4 years on the edge of suicide before SRS became available.

[Abby Claire]

Of course. Pretty much all of my life since I was 11 has been dealing with depression that I could never fully express to others. You tell them you're depressed and you tell them you're suicidal, but you can't tell them what the source of it is. My life has been mostly anxiety and depression. Coming out and deciding to transition has been the best decision of my life.

[stephaniec]

same here

[sam79]

Depression had just become a fact of life since I was young. Actually, since it had been there for so long, I think I actually learned to live with it. I'd never really known anything different.

Sure, there were thoughts toying with the idea of taking my life. And I took certain steps towards that with riskier and riskier activities. But that wasn't the worst of it. I was so disconnected from life, and unable to make connections with anyone. Looking back, I've no idea how I made it through. Perhaps due to devout alcoholism?

[Asniceasme]

I have no idea when I started suffering from depression, I just know that it was when I was really young. And the number of times I tried to end it all...admittedly some of those times were half hearted attempts, are numerous. But the depression is starting to lift now, and the attempts are almost a thing of the past too, as I rediscover happiness in myself through my journey.

And to the original poster, while some people may have gone from gay to trans without any visible signs of depression, there are two points to consider.

1. Not every trans person is gay. Some are attracted to men, some are attracted to women, some are attracted to both, and there are some who are not attracted to anyone. There very well could be some straight people who have transitioned without displaying any visible signs of depression.

2. Just because a person says that they did not suffer from any form of depression before they transitioned, doesn't mean that they haven't suffered from depression. It may have been mild, they may be embarrassed to talk about it, they may not have even realised they were suffering from depression because of other things happening in their life.

[Jo-is-amazing]

I was first diagnosed with depression at age 5. They tried treating me until I was 7 but I didn't respond to anything, they tried antidepressants therapy who knows what else (I never told anyone why I was sad, I knew though ) but they decided I was not a risk to myself or others so I stopped seeing people. 8 years later I finally built up the courage to tell my parents and see a psych about my GD. Since then Ive been getting progressively better but I still feel really sad quite often.

[Deinewelt]

Did I experience depression??  I've lived in a very dark place emotionally for most of my life with only a few exceptions.  Wanting to be female has been a theme all my life, but I'd been trained to think this was an impossibility.  Therefore, I was, in secret, a woman to me and a few close friends.  This worked sort of okay for awhile, but I have been totally dysphoric throughout my 20's and 30's.  Depression is pretty much always.

Before my 20's

I was never into guys, but I had serious problems with girls in HS and college.  At that point I disappeared from most of my HS friends lives.  I generally perceived that nobody really wanted me around.  When I dated on my own I had to teach myself how to act like a man in order to follow the culture, but I knew deep down this was not me.  Behind closed doors, I would say I was a pansexual, but mostly I was interested in lesbian or other transgender.  I wanted to be made love to like a woman by a more sexual dominant partner.  These sorts of things caused me to become very confused and isolated, and this was absolutely killing me at around 19.  At that age, I had a total breakdown and was very ready to die.

20's

This is when I became very lucky and met one of my best friends ever.  She changed everything and my days were mostly happy until she passed in 2011.  Oddly enough, I may have transitioned much earlier if our friendship hadn't been so fulfilling for me, but I would never regret those days.  She was a very special person who could bring light into the darkest of places.  After she passed things became very dark once again.  To be honest, when I learned she passed,  I was very close to jumping out my 6 floor apartment.  The ONLY reason this did not happen was because she previously had made claims about what happens to your soul when you suicide.  I know that sound crazy, but it did save my life.  She was transgender as well so I ended up learning a lot from the relationship about myself and what is possible, but I never went forward with it for work/school related issues.  In retrospect, I should have, but at the time I was happy so why bother.  Crossdressing was pretty much a normal thing for me in my 20's.  At the time I felt I looked good enough for private time.

30's

Life was just a crap load of short depressing relationships that made life worse with each failure.  I actually tried to be a guy because of the social pressures of transitioning or being out.  Eventually it keeps circling around to the point where I decide to be 100 open with my partners when we start dating.  This was definitely a positive thing because it allowed me to meet the right type of partner.

Now:

Even though I now have the right partner and crossdressing is okay, over time I get increasingly dysphoric of masculine traits.  Facial hair is the #1 depressing thing in my life right now.  Seriously, I got my face lasered yesterday and I was ecstatic.  At first I was afraid it would come out too fast and out me, today I'm depressed because it isn't coming out fast enough!

I am a lot less depressed having decided to transition, but it is depressing to feel defeated by various obstacles like how to come out to mom/dad.

 

[MyKa]

Ohhhh yeah!!! Frakin roller coaster ride from hell

[Jera]

It's kind of been the defining feature of my life.

I was first diagnosed at 8, and still never been able to even dare articulate GD to the 20+ therapists I've seen since then. Even though I've always known the root of my depression.

I can only hope it will stop help me being a failure, to all the potential everyone I knows sees in me, if I can take care of the root cause.

[Jessica Merriman]

HRT nipped my depression in the bud! I have never felt so good and well, normal. 

[Cindy]

I remember so well my first visit to my endo, she asked what medications I was on, I named my anti-depressant and she just casually said "Of course you are on anti-depressants, you have been in the wrong body all of your life, I meant medications that I didn't expect". I recall it was a very affirming comment that I was not a total basket case of confusion, depression and pain.

[JoanneB]

It is real easy to be in denial about being depressed. In retrospect I was to some degree depressed for over 30 years. My usual mantra of Life Sucks and Then You Die says it all.

When I first started seeing a therapist I was concerned about how it was being coded. His response was "Depression. Every trans person is". My gender therapist said "Anxiety, every trans person is"

[Monica Jean]

It's heartbreaking to see how deep the depression entwines itself into our beings.  I couldn't possibly be more thankful to have it behind me.  Looking forward to coming out and starting the transition. 

40's may be the new 30's but it's still the 40's!

Part of me really doesn't want to transition.  The rest of me says "DO IT!".    Transition or die.  The most pivotal Life or death decision I've ever made.  Transition it is.  Must completely let go of whatever happens, not control anything. 

In regards to the gay males I saw who decided to transistion, seemingly without signs of depression, don't really know if they have depression to any level, but it seems that it's much easier, much more fluid for them to make the decision to transition than many of us.  (sorry for the run on sentence!)

[V M]

Not going to blow wind up anyone's skirt, I've had my ups and downs and have attempted suicide

[Carrie Liz]

Those who are very open about their freedom of expression, openly gay and effeminate, tend to transition with fewer hassles because they already have a healthy sense of self-worth... those who were in denial pre-transition or actively trying to repress their femininity, especially those who were bullied or worried about rejection from family, tend to have a lot more personal demons to overcome.

And yes, I was depressed pre-transition for many years. I avoided reaching my breaking point by becoming a Christian and insisting that I get over it, plus meeting my ex-girlfriend, but I was a complete wreck before then. (And I'm honestly still a bit depressed now, because I still don't feel female enough.)

[Ali]

6 months in and still having episodes of depression. I denied that I was depressed for almost all my life or as long as I remember. That left a scar which is very visible. After addressing that issue
i was put on anti-depressant and other drugs to help , some worked others didn't. This all before accepting the fact that I am trans* and this who I am, I have always thought that it is just a phase and I can change, but nah I was wrong , totally wrong. After accepting my self for who I truly am the depression lessen but it is still there. It is now triggered by other things like fear of future, not passing, and how my parents are seeing me being tras* ( not very accepting family ). It comes and goes, some comes with suicidal thoughts others just the normal me being super hard on my self and judging every thing thing I do/ did / going to do. I only hope it will disappear as I get closer to being true me.
Hang on , it will pass and at one point it will just be a memory.     

[katiej]

I understand that most go through it really bad their whole life, but I think it's important to say that not everyone does.  I had always heard that I shouldn't even consider transition unless my only other option is death.  Well I'm just not that dramatic about anything in life.  I never dealt with depression until recently, mostly because I'm pretty much shut down emotionally...but that's a whole other problem.

In my early 20's I came to the conclusion that transition just wasn't possible for me (for a lot of reasons).  And I mostly kept the dysphoria pushed down for a good 10+ years.  One of the reasons I was convinced that I couldn't really be transgender is because I wasn't depressed, I didn't have a tragic upbringing, and I was never suicidal.

That whole time I wished I was a girl and knew that my body wasn't right, but I thought there was nothing I could do about it.  So I moved on with life and made the best of it.

Then through a series of coincidences, in my mid-30's I came to the conclusion that I actually am transgender.  And that's when the dysphoria really hit.

[Violet Bloom]

  It would be too long-winded to get into the reasons I experienced depression, but suffice it to say I experienced progressively worsening depression for all of my adult life.  It became fully integrated into my being, affecting all my thoughts and actions.  My doctor of the time didn't want to consider prescribing anti-depressants because he's a naturopath, and I was scared of such medications anyway.  Receiving no help or serious consideration of my problems combined with serious physical symptoms led me close to the brink of suicide.

  Connecting my troubles with the possibility of transition and feeling hope was half the solution.  The other half of my ills was later treated effectively with HRT.