Got clocked at a party in the worst way

[solexander]

I'm a trans man, and I've been pretty well stealth for a few months. I'm on testosterone, and a lot of the time people are really surprised when I tell them I'm trans. So, tonight, I'm at my friend's party, and one of her friends and I have the following conversation in the middle of a group of people who I wasn't out to as trans:
Her: Haha yeah, I'm the gayest bisexual girl you'll ever meet
Me: And I'm the gayest bisexual man you'll ever meet!
Her: Okay but I have a question. Are you like, gay gay or transgender... gay?
Me: Um, excuse me?
Her: (Really loudly) So like... do you have a dick or what?
Me: Uh... I mean... I'm transgender and I like guys so...
Her: Haha see I knew it!
Me: Um, if you don't mind me asking... how did you figure it out?
Her: Oh, I just have a really good t****y-dar!

I just. Am really upset and frustrated right now. First of all, that I got clocked and now I'm sitting here just. Analyzing my face and body and freaking out. Second of all, that she had to call my sexuality into question about it when that's one of the things I'm most self conscious about. Third of all... slurs? Really?! Freaking... really?! In front of a bunch of people who had no idea? What a great way to end the night. Just awesome. Ugh...

[Blue Senpai]

Wow, that girl was beyond rude and insensitive and deserves a good punch in the face. I would've just said "Well that depends. Do you have a vagina or not?" Either way, you just don't ask people that. I'm real sorry you had to go through that, I guess this is just another reason we go stealth or don't disclose to everyone.

[Jess42]

First you should have asked her how bad she wants to know.

Parties are always kind of iffy if you are trans, especially younger. I didn't care, but still there were times that were kind of awkward. I still didn't care though. there was enough people that would make sure I wouldn't get hurt physically.

Slurs? Hon, get used to them. Don't let them bother you. I remember when gay was a slur, now not so much. ->-bleeped-<- or ->-bleeped-<- or heshe or anything else other than an "it" don't bother me. Most cis and a lot of self proclaimed LGB people don't really have any idea what names offends us. OK so she was the gayest bisexual girl that you ever met. "Gay-dar" I would assume is kind of insulting to gay people. What is the difference between "gay-dar" and "->-bleeped-<--dar" believe me if ->-bleeped-<- was the worst thing that I have ever got called in my life then I would be OK with that.

OK, disclaimer time: ->-bleeped-<-, ->-bleeped-<-, HeShe, SheHe or any other label I may get named really don't bother me too much. Break it down and I really am a She inside but male outside so... I am an actual he on the outside but She on the inside, so... And I am a She on the inside and a he on the outside, so... As for ->-bleeped-<-, well since I am trans I guess that could be however you look at it. But a freakin' "it" that takes our humanity away and makes us into something inanimate. "It" makes us into an object that is no more than a rock. So all the other names still leaves our humanity intact but being called an "it", that is the ultimate insult to me. The other names I can lie with because they are just descriptive in nature by ignorant people that know no better. Don't let it bother you too much, educate with empathy and it really sounds to me like you could have had warm blooded company tonight instead of being alone talking me. Is it too late?

But don't let it get to you solexander. People know what the know from their own experience. Oh hon, if she would have had good ->-bleeped-<--dar and she was cute, no way I would have been hurt. Even if she was not so good looking. Or if she would have been a he and cute or depending on my condition, not so cute.

Just don't let it bother you too much. Like I said the only thing that really hurts and offends me is when someone calls me "it" and then the nails come out and the tounge like a razorblade gets going.

[Jess42]

Wow, that girl was beyond rude and insensitive and deserves a good punch in the face. I would've just said "Well that depends. Do you have a vagina or not?" Either way, you just don't ask people that. I'm real sorry you had to go through that, I guess this is just another reason we go stealth or don't disclose to everyone.

Marcellow. Do you have any Idea of how many people out there know what to call us without offending us? Most only know what they know from tier friends. Or porn sight that they claim they don't go on. If a cute guy calls me a ->-bleeped-<- or ->-bleeped-<-, I will definitely correct them and say, "Call me baby doll and I'm yours." If an average guy says the same, I will say the same thing. If an ugly guy calls me the same, I'll still say the same thing. But if a butthole calls me the same thing then I may respond negatively especially if I think he should know better.

I tend to cut people a lot of slack less they are in our little community or at least familiar with our little community. I would definitely rather educate than get defensive and then put them on the offensive and make their experience with possibly the only trans person they ever ran across a negative experience an put them on the offensive. If I can make a positive experience interacting with an ignorant person, then the next trans gendered person they run into may be more of a positive experience to both parties.

[Ms Grace]

I know a guy who is totally accepting and supportive of trans people, very open minded and progressive, etc, etc - but until I pointed it out to him he had no idea that "->-bleeped-<-" was likely to be very offensive to the majority of trans people.

Wow, that girl was beyond rude and insensitive and deserves a good punch in the face.

I don't normally condone violence, but after she asked if you had a penis all bets are off. Mind you, it's never a good look for a guy to hit a girl no matter the provocation. So maybe asking if she has a brain might be a better strategy.

[Jess42]

I don't normally condone violence, but after she asked if you had a penis all bets are off. Mind you, it's never a good look for a guy to hit a girl no matter the provocation. So maybe asking if she has a brain might be a better strategy.

I would have asked her if she was that curious maybe we should go upstairs. It's already established she was a bi girl. If anyone ask me especially when they establish they are bi, I will ask them if they really want to find out. and then we can go fishing.

Seriously though, don't take it to heart. If anyone calls me those names, even Brad Pitt, I cut them some slack because even Brad himself may be ignorant to the trans community.

[katiej]

I tend to cut people a lot of slack less they are in our little community or at least familiar with our little community. I would definitely rather educate than get defensive and then put them on the offensive and make their experience with possibly the only trans person they ever ran across a negative experience an put them on the offensive. If I can make a positive experience interacting with an ignorant person, then the next trans gendered person they run into may be more of a positive experience to both parties.

This is exactly the way I look at it.  You don't have to put up with abuse, but she probably didn't realize she was crossing a line.  She did describe herself as the gayest bi-sexual after all.  It's very unlikely she's transphobic.  So I really agree with Jess here.  Unless there's malicious intent, use it as a learning lesson.

Here's a strange example -- When I was in high school I worked at a fast food restaurant, and one of my co-workers would get really annoyed when customers would ask what was on a certain hamburger...as though they should already know.  One time I told her, "you work here so you're supposed to know that.  Customers don't work here, so don't be so mad when they don't know."  Apparently this had never even occurred to her.  And this is how it is for us.  We know A LOT about being trans, but even the LGB parts of the LGBT community sometimes don't know what to do with us.  So the more positive experiences people have with us, the better.

[Jess42]

This is exactly the way I look at it.  You don't have to put up with abuse, but she probably didn't realize she was crossing a line.  She did describe herself as the gayest bi-sexual after all.  It's very unlikely she's transphobic.  So I really agree with Jess here.  Unless there's malicious intent, use it as a learning lesson.

At a party if a girl came up to me saying she was the gayest bisexual. No freaking doubt where we would have bee ten minutes later. I mean the "little thing" don't and hasn't ever really worked and even when it does women laugh at three and a half inches. But they never ever laugh at how well you can talk. Wow, I think I may have always been a lesbian.

Wow, kind of a revelation here. I remember one night for two and a half hours I gave a girl oral. The next day she picked me up and we went to a party and we had real "relations" and she was nearly impressed as the night before when I was using the tounge and we had to leave. As a matter of fact she left with a guy. This was while I was in the army. Talk about Male Fail. I was feeling pretty good now I'm down.

[NathanielM]

I do think that even if she didn't mean to be rude, you can still tell her she went about it the wrong way. Intent isn't everything, and I think we do have the right to say 'hey, I know that's not what you meant, but asking if I have a penis and calling me ->-bleeped-<- is not okay'. I make mistakes too, but I expect to be called out on them as well. I agree that most people say the wrong things out of ignorance but not calling them out on it (in a kind calm way) just leaves them in that position, clearly she thinks she has the right to do what she did and I don't doubt she'll do it again if she's not corrected.

[missymay]

I do think that even if she didn't mean to be rude, you can still tell her she went about it the wrong way. Intent isn't everything, and I think we do have the right to say 'hey, I know that's not what you meant, but asking if I have a penis and calling me ->-bleeped-<- is not okay'. I make mistakes too, but I expect to be called out on them as well. I agree that most people say the wrong things out of ignorance but not calling them out on it (in a kind calm way) just leaves them in that position, clearly she thinks she has the right to do what she did and I don't doubt she'll do it again if she's not corrected.

When someone blatantly disrespects us, they need to be called out on it, because it's not okay.

[patrick1967]

I think somewhere along the line one very important point got lost here. This convo wasn't in private. It was in front of ppl who had not a clue. So he not only got clocked but outed.

For that hun I am sorry. The other is a pain in the ass yes but are you holding up ok w that. Any fallout or issues?

Hugs hun

[solexander]

Honestly the girl herself didn't even really bother me so much as the following dysphoria, as in, I haven't been clocked in MONTHS and I wasn't prepared to be found out so easily and it made me extremely uncomfortable since I'd been outed in front of everyone.