When I came out to my spouse, she said no, no way, no how, no. Her idea of compromise was me to remain 100% male, see a therapist to be more male, and she even suggested testosterone boosters. But I was in therapy because I'd been caught planning my own suicide. And I was planning that because I had reached the end of my rope. It was transition or die and I really thought there was no way I could transition, no way that I could succeed at my age, no way I could ever pull that off. So I was trying to plan a suicide that would be air tight as an accident, so she'd get the insurance money.
And when I did come out, her "compromise" was no compromise at all. Her way or else. But I'd been down that road and knew exactly where it ended and I didn't want to go back there again. So I knew what the choice was - transition or die. I told her I didn't want to die and was going to transition. And within a few months it became apparent that was the end of our marriage.
At the time, it hurt. It hurt more deeply than I could have imagined, not just the end of our marriage, but the rejection, even some of the angry words she said to me. But that hurt and rejection taught me that whatever she had felt for me all those years, it wasn't unconditional love.
My therapist helped me through all that and I discovered that there is life on the other side of the end of marriage. I grieved. I cried myself to sleep for two solid months in August and September 2012. But when it was over, I realized that for the first time in my life, I didn't have to live a lie for someone else. The last two years have been progressively better and better. There are bad days but the good far outweigh the bad.
I'm very afraid that if you try to "make things work" for her sake, you're going to end up right where I ended up eventually anyway. And then what? How many years will you have wasted being faithful to someone who doesn't really love you, just their image of you, an image that you know in your heart is false?
I know another transwoman, early sixties, who refuses to transition because she's been given the same ultimatum I was. She's miserable constantly. She doesn't want to kill herself because that would leave her spouse nothing but she constantly talks about hoping to die soon, for it to be over, so she doesn't have to live the lie any longer. Is that where you want to be someday? Do you want to die as him, be remembered exclusively as him, be remembered as the moody, dark, brooding guy?
I give this quote to anyone debating this question. I suggest you read it and read it well because it's true.
Quote"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. And unselfishness is letting other people's lives alone, not interfering with them. Selfishness always aims at creating around it an absolute uniformity of type. Unselfishness recognises infinite variety of type as a delightful thing, accepts it, acquiesces in it, enjoys it. It is not selfish to think for oneself. A man who does not think for himself does not think at all. It is grossly selfish to require of one's neighbour that he should think in the same way, and hold the same opinions. Why should he? If he can think, he will probably think differently. If he cannot think, it is monstrous to require thought of any kind from him. A red rose is not selfish because it wants to be a red rose. It would be horribly selfish if it wanted all the other flowers in the garden to be both red and roses."
― Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man and Prison Writings
