Sorry but it's killing me. I need to come out.

[Alice Rogers]

So many people find themselves in this situation, not just transgenders either.  Finding yourself in a situation where you cannot find common ground with a partner is heart breaking, but in this case it sounds like it was inevitable.

If you NEED to come out then you need to come out, end of story.

I have been in almost exactly the same situation as you, the only difference is that I didn't come out to my wife as there were other irreparable differences that caused our marriage to fail before that.  Here I am 8 years later, in a loving relationship with a man who adores me, a few months away from one of my two kids moving in with me permanently, on good terms with the ex-wife (well comparably good terms) and I have been living as a woman for 5 or so years, taking hormones for 4 months.

I thought there was nothing left to live for when my ex-wife drove away with my kids, and here I am happy than I have ever been.

I pray that if there is love on both sides you can keep your marriage intact, but if it comes down to a divorce there is life afterwards, good life, with good times and good people.

Alice
xx

[adrian]

Kate, hang on in there, ok? I don't have kids myself, and I don't know how old yours are, but I find the story of Ezekiel and his wife + children very inspiring: http://firsttimesecondtime.com. He started his ftm transition two years ago, and he and his wife are both blogging about their experiences.

[ImagineKate]

Oddly enough this morning she acts as if nothing happened, other than I notice her putting on more makeup than usual. Maybe it's denial, or acceptance. Who knows. All I know is that I need to go to therapy next week and that's my focus.

I am also thinking about how I came out.

I told her first that I have been feeling uncomfortable about myself, ever since I was a child, 4-5 years old. I asked her what I am, she said a man and her husband. I told her that I am uncomfortable about one of those things... naturally she asked if I was leaving. I told her that no, it was that I was a man on the outside.

I hesitated a lot before I uttered the "T" word. "Yes, I might be transgender, and it's really distressing me inside, to the point where I had contemplated ending it all within the last 10 years, several times."

"Has your mom or dad known?"

"My mom caught me dressing a few times, yes. But so far you're the only family member knows the secret in full." That's true.

What really hit home was when I said that every night I go to sleep wishing that I would wake up as a woman. I am not sure I should have used those exact words, but that is exactly what I've been doing. Pretty much every...damn...night. It's the only thing that would get me to sleep.

As of now I'm relieved but worried. Worried about what next, and about my kids. I really don't want to lose them above all, and that is tearing me up. She might think that I would influence my son to be trans, but I hope she figures out that it just doesn't work that way.

[JulieBlair]

Oh this brings up memories.  I was three months into HRT before I came out to my wife.  I remember well the desire to crawl into a hole and fill it with my own vomit.  Here is the thing, transition is not about choice.  Once your bell goes off to continue on as you are becomes something like spiritual suicide.  You are not culpable, wrong, or bad to admit to yourself the truth about how you relate to yourself and your body.

Once she absorbs the initial shock, your spouse may begin to realize that much of what attracted her to you had to do with gender ambiguity.  That was the case with my wife, but in the end she has chosen a path different from mine.

If you wife is willing to join you in couples therapy then you can talk about this in a safe and neutral place.  I wish you all the luck and love in the world.  PM me anytime, and I'll give you my phone number if you need someone to talk to.

I wish you peace,
Julie

[katiej]

Honestly Kate it sounds like you're in pretty good shape. The conversation didn't go badly, and she even said that she's hoping to strengthen your relationship. If you're willing to work on it together, I see no reason you two can't come out of this stronger than before.

[ImagineKate]

Honestly Kate it sounds like you're in pretty good shape. The conversation didn't go badly, and she even said that she's hoping to strengthen your relationship. If you're willing to work on it together, I see no reason you two can't come out of this stronger than before.

I don't know about that. She was before I told her this, but I doubt she would now.

[adrian]

Hi Kate, the bit about acting "as if nothing ever happened" sure sounds familiar. It was the same for me and my husband. We finally managed to talk about "it" during couples counseling that he agreed to do. This was very helpful! He then finally told me that he was confused and didn't understand - so he ignored it. Definitely give your wife some time, but there may be a point when you have to bring it up again if she doesn't.

[Paige]

Hi ImagineKate,

I'm a little different in the fact that my wife and I confronted this 25 years ago when we first started living together, but I told her that I thought I could put it behind me.  So we had kids, and life continued, except for the fact it never really went away.  I just hid it from her for the most part.  Anyway last year I told her I was transgender and I couldn't change that fact.   The problem is she doesn't  want anything to do with a life with a transitioning person.   She's worried about how the rest of the world would view this, how our kids would view it and how the world would treat them.  Guilt is a nasty little weapon used properly :-(

So I'm in limbo, getting older, not getting happier.  Long story short, you should probably be prepared for lots of guilt thrown your way.  I hope that doesn't happen, but you should be prepared and if you figure out how to deal with it let me know.

Cheers,
Paige

[katiej]

I don't know about that. She was before I told her this, but I doubt she would now.

You can't say that for sure. Don't let negative self talk seal your fate for you. If you want to stay in the marriage, then stay positive and fight like hell for it. Make sure she knows how you fee.

And returning to normal is probably the denial stage of the grief process. At the very least, this is a surreal experience for her and it doesn't feel real yet.

[ImagineKate]

So I'm planning to come out to a friend because I need the support to be honest. She's still in the old country though but we are on FB.

Remember I said that I hung out mostly with the girls and clubbing was basically girls night out? Well this one is one of them, and the one I was closest to. I had and have no romantic interest in her, as there is no physical attraction (she was a heavy chain smoker and basically let herself go). But a good friend to listen to and we did a lot of childish pranks together. I confided a lot of stuff in her. But I might wait for therapy first before I come out to anyone else. I'm going to wait to come out to my mom because her lifetime occupation is gossip and news travels fast with her...

[Jill F]

So I'm planning to come out to a friend because I need the support to be honest. She's still in the old country though but we are on FB.

Remember I said that I hung out mostly with the girls and clubbing was basically girls night out? Well this one is one of them, and the one I was closest to. I had and have no romantic interest in her, as there is no physical attraction (she was a heavy chain smoker and basically let herself go). But a good friend to listen to and we did a lot of childish pranks together. I confided a lot of stuff in her. But I might wait for therapy first before I come out to anyone else. I'm going to wait to come out to my mom because her lifetime occupation is gossip and news travels fast with her...

This is a good thing.  After telling my wife, I told a female friend that I've known since I was 18, and it was a great move to be able to talk to someone about it early on.  She is quite gossipy herself, but I asked her to keep a lid on things for a few months while I sorted out my gameplan.

[Ali girl]

Oh the memories....  I came out to my wife first (she was/is).  The pains I felt telling her paled in comparison to what was said by her afterwards.  It devastated me to think that I had ruined not one, but four lives as I have 3 amazing girls...   

My coming out was unplanned and abrupt.  Unlike you, I actually tried to become a statistic... 4 times.  She actually caught me in the act and stopped me on my last attempt. Prompting an immediate conversation...  Well that was 5 years ago.....  Life gets better! My girls are amazing, my wife is still my world, and life has never been better.  It was a rocky few years, but it will work out if you both are willing to go through it as a team.   

Hugs! 

[ImagineKate]

And tonight she looked at me and asked me if I'm OK. Not in a threatening tone, but almost as if she was feeling sorry for me. I said, "well, I'll be fine, but I need to take care of this."  She said that she understood.

I'm really hoping this is positive and that it continues.

[Paige]

And tonight she looked at me and asked me if I'm OK. Not in a threatening tone, but almost as if she was feeling sorry for me. I said, "well, I'll be fine, but I need to take care of this."  She said that she understood.

I'm really hoping this is positive and that it continues.

It seems extremely positive that she's showing empathy to you so soon after you told her.   I'm not sure if this is very common.

[katiej]

It's definitely a good sign.

[Melanie CT]

Katie I pray things workout.

[ImagineKate]

Yeah she's doing that too... as am I.

Anyway, the hard part is done, but during therapy we will see what else happens. She's my rock but my dysphoria is killing me and taking over my life. It's as if I was back in my pre-teen and teenager days where I was doing some very daring acts of cross dressing, wearing makeup and pretending at every opportunity to be a girl in the most obvious yet subtle way possible.

Here are two examples of me girling it up, because I did that in literally every photo I could as a kid:





From how I wore my hair, to how I walked, talked and even how I dressed (I used to pick out girl's shirts sometimes.) If only they knew back then... and by expressing my feminine side I was a pretty darned happy child.

[Allyda]

Kate, I sympathize with you greatly. So far though it seems your wife is doing a little okay in managing this new revelation (to her) in your life. I may be being optimistic, but from your posts I can tell she really loves you, and wants to work things out. Give her some time to get over the initial shock, as others are recommending as well, and if the two of you love each other unconditionally, in the end you'll stay together. There are many MTF's just here in our community, that still have their marriage which has become stronger through the experience.

I'd like to add, that it will be so so beneficial to you, to have someone there with you during transition. I'm transitioning all alone with the exception of support from this website. I would give anything to have someone who cares, truly cares about me by my side through this journey. So just give it time. IMHO, in the long run it will be worth it and the two of you will be stronger and happier for it.

Best Wishes!

Ally

[ImagineKate]

So far she's back to normal but zero mention of our little conversation. None whatsoever.

This has me spooked. It could be either:

She thinks I forgot, and doesn't want to bring it up so that I don't remember.
She's in denial.
She wants to give me space.
She wants to enjoy things before they change too much.
She figures seeing the therapist is just to talk me out of it... "pray the trans away?" (doesn't quite have that same ring to it but whatever)

I notice now that she's prettying up herself far more than she did before, with makeup and clothes, and making many more advances, romantically. This morning for example she wanted to get intimate but our son kept walking in and out. We'd have locked the door but eventually we just gave up. I wasn't in the mood anyway. Penetrative sex from a male POV has never really appealed to me but I do it because it's something we do together.

[katiej]

I'd say it's likely all of the above. 

And it's a good sign that she's putting herself out there even after knowing about you.  Do your best not to push her away, and it sounds like you may be able to keep her on board for the duration.