Sorry but it's killing me. I need to come out.

[SweetJean]

Kate,
   Be easy on yourself, your wife, your need to transition and all that changes with this process. Even though you love your wife you may evolve like Julie Blair to become attracted to transgender men and women not cis.  There is a posting on this thread. Seems everything changes when one goes through transition to transgender. Susans is a place to read, explore, be informed, supported and support others in return.  all the best, SweetJean

[pumpkininthesun]

A note from the other side.  Two months ago my fraternal (non identical twin)came out to me. In that awkward just blurt it out way. I did NOT handle it well. No put downs, big blow up or anything like that, but I had a lot of misconceptions about what transgender is. And I had a lot of questions that I felt really embarrassed to ask. Additionally because some of the things I had said communication between us has become much more difficult. When I do try to ask things that are challenging she just shuts down. I'm not trying to attack her I just feel like there is so much that I don't understand about how her life now and her previous life connect. I think she sees it as an attack and can't handle it. We've stopped talking so much to each other and it is really hard for me because we have been so close all our lives. Literally form the moment we were conceived
I have been reading a ton of stuff online including most helpfully this website. I've read tons of the posts many, but not all of them in the significant others forum. Just yesterday I actually registered with this site and started posting so that I could ask some of the questions that I was too scared to ask my sister. The internet is a magical place and none of the people here know where I live so I don't have to worry about anyone egging my house. I was a little worried about asking something so ignorant or just plain wrong about trans people that it made everyone so angry the heat of their rage as they typed their replies would burn down the internet. What I actually got in return was *hugs* and some much needed advice.  So now I am offering the same thing back to you. *hugs*
Sorry if I am a little short on the advice. I will tell you that sometimes when my sister says something to me about her new life I just don't know what to say. Not ignoring it in the hopes that it will go away, but completely at a loss as to how to respond so nothing happens. It feels a little like we are in the kitchen having breakfast together and she slaps me in the face with a cold wet fish. Fish? were do I even go from here and how do we get back to the much more comfortable conversation we were having before? It has become less shocking as time passes. Also like I mentioned earlier reading posts by people going through similar stuff and having a place to ask the dumb questions I am afraid to ask her.

[ImagineKate]

Don't worry about being short on advice. That's what I have a therapist for. I am happy for support and experiences though.

[ImagineKate]

More talking tonight. She initiated. She is supportive but hung up on physical things like sex. That said she said she wants the best for me and our kids. Things hopefully will get better.

Oh and she thought I was cheating on her... I told her trust me this is all about me.

Therapy tomorrow. We see how it goes.

[Alice Rogers]

My partner is worried about the sex aspect too, just be attentive and find ways to make it good still!

Good luck with your therapy session.

Alice
xx

[katiej]

It's the same with my wife.  She's open to transition, but she has specifically mentioned not being attracted to women physically.  My understanding is that physical attraction does grow for some MTF SO's.  So I'm hopeful.


Pumpkin, it sounds like you're doing all of the right things.  Remember that this has been a secret she's held for a long time, so it probably feels very awkward to talk about it.  So just let her know that you support her, and you're wanting to stay close.  Also, since you're female and she's transitioning to female, you're in a position to be really helpful.

[ImagineKate]

Well, we had another talk tonight. This one was rather different. She gave it to me with both barrels She said flat out she doesn't want to be with a woman. She also talked about leaving or kicking me out. She talked about taking away my kids. She also told so many lies  about us.

We are sleeping separately now, but tbh she slept separately a lot before this.

I guess me going to therapy really hit home.

I feel like a complete mess and I even talked about doing the unthinkable. I suffered so much mental abuse tonight. I need a drink of something strong.

[ImagineKate]

She even told me she knows two trans people who are unhappy after hormone therapy . She asked constantly If I was taking estrogen.

[Ali girl]

Well, we had another talk tonight. This one was rather different. She gave it to me with both barrels She said flat out she doesn't want to be with a woman. She also talked about leaving or kicking me out. She talked about taking away my kids. She also told so many lies  about us.

We are sleeping separately now, but tbh she slept separately a lot before this.

I guess me going to therapy really hit home.

I feel like a complete mess and I even talked about doing the unthinkable. I suffered so much mental abuse tonight. I need a drink of something strong.

I am sorry to hear this.  But remember, emotions run high and deep in the situations.  There are girls on both sides of that proverbial fence.  Sometimes the venting is needed... Sadly

My wife and I have 2 huge fights every year (we always have) and it is always me who takes the verbal blows.  Best you can do is listen to her.   Sadly, what happens will happen but if you do your best to be the best person possible... Then you have done all you can.

Some girls can become unhappy, but that is why there is therapy.  Before, during, and after...

She can't legally keep your children from you. Being transgender does not discount you as part of their life.


Final note:  Suicide is never a very good answer. 4 time failure here to tell you there is soooo much more out there. Please do not become another statistic. Stand up, be proud, be there for your children in any form you can!  No child would prefer death to having a unique parent!

Hugs.
Ali

[Ali girl]

She even told me she knows two trans people who are unhappy after hormone therapy . She asked constantly If I was taking estrogen.

And my wife thought the same.... Until she seen how much better I was on my medication.  I'm psychologically happy... Making us happier as a whole.  I'm no longer a yelling, rude, ->-bleeped-<-.

[katiej]

Ali is exactly right.  Give her some time and some space.  You're probably in for some rough times, but don't throw in the towel.  If it ends, at least you'll know that you fought for it.

[Hikari]

You are in an unenviable position, but please be smart and safe. it might not work, so please make sure you are doing things in case it doesn't. Making sure you have places to go, probably consulting an attorney on what you could do in the event that she tries to fight about the kids. That doesn't mean you should throw in the towel on things marriages don't usually end overnight.

It might not seem like it right now, but things will get better, they might get worse before that, but things do get better.

[ImagineKate]

I'm not going to abandon my kids. This means no suicide either. But this is the lowest of the low I'm feeling. Thanks for the support

[adrian]

Sorry, Kate, that things aren't going so well at the moment. I'm in a similar place right now.

Please stay safe.

:hugs:

[Alice Rogers]

Your kids will always love you, remember that, give your wife time, she might come around, if not then the more friendly and cordial you can keep it the easier things will be in the future for access to your kids and for life in general.

I have been in your place and it sucked, it REALLY sucked, but it didn't last long in the grans scheme of things and now I am happier than I ever was with her.

Be strong

Alice
xx

[ImagineKate]

Yep. I think part of what burns her is that she thinks the kids love me more than they love her! They run to me, often past her. Been this way ever since. She said as much. I'm not leaving them and if she wants to fight me too bad. She will get the fight of her life. The only thing that sucks is that NJ courts tend to be more sympathetic to mothers so it's very possible that I could lose primary custody if I have to leave.

[Alice Rogers]

How old are your kids? If you make a good case for custody and the kids are old enough to speak for themselves the court will give weight to their wishes.

My kids are the same, I am their first port of call if something bad happens.

Alice
xx

[ImagineKate]

4

[Alice Rogers]

Too young for a judge to listen to

You will likely have to present good reasons why your wife is an unsuitable parent. Good reasons, or they will pull them apart.

[ImagineKate]

After this morning I don't know what the hell to think anymore. She's back to normal, wanting to apologize. I told her I accept but I don't want to talk when driving because I need to concentrate on the road. She said she was sorry for going at me last night but I don't know if I want to hear it. To be honest it may be better if I just get out. She almost seems bipolar.

And last night I realized just how hung up on sex she is. If she just wants me around for sex I obviously can't deliver. There used to be a lot of talking and togetherness but that kind of died off about a year after we married. She also changes history a lot and lies how I pushed her to marry me (when I was actually pushing her away).

She also badgered me asking if I take hormones, saying I look different and I don't and I told her I did a few years ago but not anymore. Besides where am I going to get them from? The last set I had was from her* and when that ran out that was it. (Yes I know, bad.) I told her that the only way I'm getting them is via a doctor, and I haven't gone to see any, just the therapist. She said I could just ask my doctor to prescribe them. Really? She doesn't really know how this works. She goes with me to the damn pharmacy and all my medicines are out for her to see. We fill our scripts at the same time In fact. Besides I'm sure my doc won't just prescribe me hormones because I ask... (And I'm not buying from dodgy sources such as overseas pharma) She even thinks I will be a bad influence on the kids if I dress around them. She doesn't know how it works!!! It doesn't work that way!!! It's not the flu, and not contagious!!! Besides If my son/daughters are born with it do I want to make the same mistake my parents made with me???

*left over from a script she had from a fertility doc