That's the Wrong Type of Therapist!

[iiMTF]

Alright, for those of you who don't know already, quick fill-in: My mom isn't very supportive.

Anyways, here we go. When coming out to her, I explained to my mom the importance of a gender therapist and stressed the fact they had to be a GENDER therapist, not just any old therapist. She seemed to understand and agreed to find one. Well, 2 weeks later, she hasn't made any effort to find one - though I have. I found one near me, but, of course, she ignored it. One more week later, she surprised me with a therapy appointment, but there's a huge problem. Sure, the therapist is a very amazing lady, and an extremely amazing therapist from what I've seen, but the problem is: she's not a gender therapist. She's an 'anxiety and depression' therapist. I mean, I need one of those too, but gender therapy is more of a priority. First appointment, I shoo my mom out of my room for some privacy. The therapist is curious as to what brings me to her, I immediately come out to her. I know she isn't a gender therapist at that point, but really, I don't have much of a choice. She does, tho, know some amount about trans folk because her sons best friend (who also happens to be my doctors daughter - and he never told me!) is an MTF. I simply just... Don't feel comfortable with this therapist tho. She has next to no knowledge on what is probably my biggest problem, and this isn't going to get me anywhere. I already know I have another appointment scheduled for some time this week, but I don't think I'm up to it. I feel like I'm wasting both her and my own time - not to mention my mom's money.

If you didn't detect my problem here - I don't know what to do!! And I don't know if I already did something wrong. Did I?? What do I do next?? Arg, I'm confused. Keep in mind I have next to no confidence IRL, so it's hard for me to talk to my mom about this kind of thing. It might take me some time to see some of the comments to this - I'm still not allowed on my computer. I MAY be sneaking on here while doing my homework... SHH!! lol

iiMTF

[Paige]

Hi iiMTF,

Have you tried telling the therapist exactly what you told us?  I would be very curious to know her response.  You never know she might surprise you.  If you don't feel comfortable with her and if she's a good therapist, she's very likely to agree with you that you need a Gender therapist. 

Good luck,
Paige

[BreezyB]

I would agree with Paige, just be honest with her. The reality is an Clinical Psychologist will be aware of the existence of gender diversity, I mean there is after all an entire day dedicated to it during a four year Psychology Degree! So obviously, that is not enough to truly understand the challenges we face.

However, whether I am gender diverse or cis, if I have anxiety, the treatment is often the same. It doesn't take a special type of hammer to 'fix' us if anxiety is the issue. So I think if this therapist is the only one you'll be able to see, it will be better than none. However if you can speak to her (she sounds very approachable) she may be able to refer you onto a gender therapist.

As for mom, well, don't get me started .....

[LordKAT]

Make use of the time you have with her. This therapist may be your best friend when it comes to helping your mom understand the need for a gender therapist.

[Rose City Rose]

Keep pushing the issue.  Tell this therapist that your gender dysphoria is the biggest problem in your life right now, and that your mother refused to take you to the right kind of therapist.  If you can, have her talk with your mother.

[JoanneB]

When I asked my therapists how things were being coded for the insurance one said depression, the other said anxiety and they both basically said they haven't seen a trans person that wasn't ______. I have to agree since a lot of my depression and anxieties are all rooted in me being trans. It's easy for me to say now but learning better ways to handle both was more important then dealing with the trans part.

Perhaps the only "Wrong type of therapist" is one who wants to "Cure" you of being trans. Otherwise they should be an ally. Not being anything close to an extrovert I can understand not feeling comfortable with her. As others have noted, she can be an ally in getting your mom to realize you do need a gender therapist and that one or all of the ones you found would be a good place place to start. Perhaps also calm her fears that there isn't a big sign on the door that says "Gender Therapist".

[suzifrommd]

I'm going to disagree with what a lot of people said.

I've been to many, many therapists for various reasons. They all had one thing in common: Regardless of competence, they wanted me to come to THEM instead of someone else.

I would suggest refusing to cooperate with the therapist you're with. Make it clear that you're not settling for less than you're asking for.

What your mother did was either hostile or ignorant. Either way, you need to be the one to take action. You need to be the one to find a gender therapist. Contact a local PFLAG or other LGBT support organization for names.

[m1anderson]

Suzy, you know I have the greatest respect and regard for your opinions; I am going to agree and disagree with you.

There is a need for this therapist in that she can play a role as a bridge between MOM and daughter. This will become invaluable if this therapist is truly as great as hoped. Obviously there are enough issues towards the anxiety of place and attitudes within the family and community that can be addressed to help with the family paradigm and for the therapist to better help Mom ultimately with her issues, and I am sure she has hers.

Where I agree with you unequivocally is that she absolutely needs a gender therapist and should reach out to that therapy asap. I have a couple professionals in my rotation, a gender therapist and psychiatrist, and although the subsets interact in some places, they both have there roles moving forward.

As a younger lady in transition, Mom is going to need to be very important I would think in moving forward; better to work to an amicable solution towards perhaps (wishful thinking???) having an advocate.

[suzifrommd]

Suzy, you know I have the greatest respect and regard for your opinions; I am going to agree and disagree with you.

There is a need for this therapist in that she can play a role as a bridge between MOM and daughter.

You're right. That would be the best outcome, especially if it resulted in a more expert professional being brought in. I guess I should probably have just warned OP to be on the lookout for the therapist resisting bringing in someone with gender experience.

[LizMarie]

To the best of my knowledge there are no special diplomas or certifications specifically in "gender therapy", just therapists who have chosen to study this matter and then moved into doing it for many clients.

The therapist you have been in touch with, via your mother, may be more sympathetic than you realize. Gender dysphoria is widely recognized and accepted except among the small number of therapists who profess to be "Christian" and who push the discredited and proven harmful concept of "reparative therapy" (basically trying to retrain you to accept living as your birth gender).

If you talk to this therapist and mention your gender dysphoria, your gender identity issues, how those make you feel, she may well be the one to tell your mother that yes, your daughter is gender dysphoric! Now how cool would that be? The therapist chosen by your mom telling your mom exactly what you want her to hear? Maybe ask her at the next appointment to explain this to your mother?

[katiej]

The therapist you have been in touch with, via your mother, may be more sympathetic than you realize. Gender dysphoria is widely recognized and accepted except among the small number of therapists who profess to be "Christian" and who push the discredited and proven harmful concept of "reparative therapy" (basically trying to retrain you to accept living as your birth gender).

iiMTF, I would go back to the therapist but be on the look out for what Liz is talking about here.  If she's open to transgender people then you'll have an ally.  If she's trying to "fix" you, then run away!

If you talk to this therapist and mention your gender dysphoria, your gender identity issues, how those make you feel, she may well be the one to tell your mother that yes, your daughter is gender dysphoric! Now how cool would that be? The therapist chosen by your mom telling your mom exactly what you want her to hear? Maybe ask her at the next appointment to explain this to your mother?

This is exactly what I was thinking.  Hearing it from her chosen therapist will be difficult for your mom to discount.


iiMTF, how was that first session?  You mentioned being upset about not going to a gender specialist.  But what did you think of this one?

[iiMTF]

Thanks for all of your replies, I am finally getting the chance to make my own.

About how the 1st appt was: It was good. I feel comfortable with her, shes an amazing therapist and person from what I've seen, but she just has very minimal knowledge on gender dysphoria, which worries me.

About the possibility, one person said, of my taking things into my own hands... Unfortunately impossible. My parents have made sure to strip me of my abilities to do anything on my own... o.o

I do, however, think I can get the therapist as an ally with no problem.

Someone said something about the what if therapist said to my mom "your daughter is gender dysphoric"
That would be like.. The best thing ever!! :p Omg, I can't even imagine my moms reaction to that xD

Did I miss any questions?
iiMTF

[Dee Marshall]

My therapist had minimal knowledge of people like us, but like you I "clicked" with her. The important thing was, she was willing to educate herself and to let me help with that. Now she's decided that this is something she wants to make a standard part of her practice. How cool is that?! Every gender therapist has to start somewhere. You can blaze a trail for your siblings who come after.

In my case two new gender therapists out of one transition as I intend to finish my masters degree and take up that mantle, too.

[MacG]

I'm concerned that this therapist outed somebody else to you. Of course, I don't know the circumstances.

[Rachel]

MacG, I agree, outing another person is a warning flag.

iiMTF, I recommend reviewing what your feeling with regard to the therapist with the therapist and asking her for a list of gender therapists. Next see if she will review the topic with you and your Mom. Your Mom obviously loves you and wants what is in your best interest; however, she does not know the difficulties you are experiencing and has no reference frame to understand.

[Gothic Dandy]

I'm glad that you clicked with her. My first therapist was familiar with gender issues, but that wasn't his specialty. He was still able to help me with feelings of shame and acceptance, and I valued my time with him. I dropped him when I decided to go beyond that point and actually transition. I see a new gender therapist this tuesday.

So I'm going to state the obvious...tell her you want to speak to someone who is well-versed in gender issues. Ask her how many transgender patients she's had and if she feels comfortable helping you with those issues. Just be up front, you know? If you plan on transitioning physically, then the more important question is whether she's qualified to send letters of recommendations to medical doctors for HRT and surgical procedures. (I don't think they're called "letters of recommendation" but I don't remember what they are called.)

[Missy~rmdlm]

"Any" therapist is fine with the right attitude. I never went to a so-called gender therapist and I got my letters and all that stuff anyhow. One just needs to avoid the wrong therapist, not find a letter mill.

[Patty_M]

FYI there is a site listing many gender therapists at DrBecky.com/therapists.html.  If you are in a city there is likely going to be someone nearby.

At least that list may help you and your mom to find someone who knows what he/she is talking about.

[stephaniec]

"Any" therapist is fine with the right attitude. I never went to a so-called gender therapist and I got my letters and all that stuff anyhow. One just needs to avoid the wrong therapist, not find a letter mill.

true

[Julia-Madrid]

Thanks for all of your replies, I am finally getting the chance to make my own.

About how the 1st appt was: It was good. I feel comfortable with her, shes an amazing therapist and person from what I've seen, but she just has very minimal knowledge on gender dysphoria, which worries me.

About the possibility, one person said, of my taking things into my own hands... Unfortunately impossible. My parents have made sure to strip me of my abilities to do anything on my own... o.o

I do, however, think I can get the therapist as an ally with no problem.

Hiya

It's terribly frustrating that, when you're young, the power balance is so tipped towards your parents and therapist.  For exactly this reason you know that it's vital that you keep your therapist on side.  If you believe she's amazing, tell her this, but also voice your concern about her experience with gender issues and ask her to comment about how she could help you deal with your conviction that you're in the wrong body. 

I know you may view going to her as a waste of time, but it's probably not, firstly because she will probably be able to help with some stuff that's part and parcel of your transgender situation, and also because she holds the key to the next door you need to open.

You seem to have your head pretty clearly in the right place on your shoulders, so I think you'll know what to do next...

Good luck
Julia