Lots of text

[Lostkitten]

Got some stuff I just want to write down anddd... I will just see what kinda responses I get, but it is has to come out D:

I started transitioning about two years ago. Not with hormones or anything, but body and mind wise. Being the different one always even before I knew what was going on myself people always thought I was weird, gay, different. I got bullied but always carried on. I learned that people who make fun of you simply are people I do not want in my life so it is a good thing if they make it so clear. Beside that I never been great at expressing my emotions. I can only cry when watching a very tear jerking movie or when I am alone and 100% sure no one will hear me.

Throughout my youth I didn't even have the time to be concerned with my own problems because there was a lot going on with me and my family. I just had the priority to first move on and get a stable life instead of focussing too much on my own concerns.

I did think of suicide when I was younger for different reasons than just transition and even nowadays it isn't a thought never crossing my mind. It would be an easy route alright. I just don't want to be someone giving up. I want to accomplish something.

At school I also had troubles. I do am a slow learner but the biggest reason of that was that I didn't enjoy what I was doing. Till I changed courses. Eventually I gave classes, to my own classmates being so much ahead of them and I can put on my resume I was one of the six worldwide to have an internship in the number 1 agency in my work sector. Of course I have been helped along the way but starting this path and getting there, was my work. Living in another country on my own was on most of my own expenses and by figuring it all out on my own. Presenting myself there in front of the whole department while constantly being bullied when I was younger especially when standing in front of the class, felt as my biggest achievement.

Now I am done with school for almost half a year. I have been looking for work full-time with no success. I still live at home and so have the intention of moving out eventually when I do find a job.

My transition has always been happening beside the red line I follow in life. My career. I focus on that fully and actually love to work, but employees seem to not believe me if I say so and I just can't seem to get a job. Thus not much progress there. I feel stuck.

I am still good at ignoring my emotions and big chance that after I wrote this off me I will shake any negativity off me, feel this stressful feeling in my stomach maybe but ignore it and just go on with life again. Crying doesn't help, thinking too much about it doesn't help either. But when hearing today I didn't get another job after three interviews with them, I don't feel for doing much other than just laying down and sleeping.

If anyone has any tips to cope with all the negativity and have some happy thoughts, I would really appreciate it > _ <.

[mrs izzy]

Sorry for the old clue shy but keep your head high.

Life is hard for anyone who comes out of school and tries to find employment with out much job experience.

You have to keep going out and fight. In interviews if they say we are looking for more experience ask them how they got there's. Sometime it is enough to land the job.

As for family, we need to learn to live for our happiness and health.

It's something no one else can do for you no matter what they feel.

Hang in, keep hitting the bricks and spill confidence.

Hugs 

[Alexis2107]

You seem like a very likable person, do you have any friends to confide in? For me, I live in a small town way in the sticks/country so I don't know too many people who I would really want to associate with because of how I am, it just really isn't acceptable.  I don't work as I am on disability for major medical issues earlier this year.  How I cope with my "depression" is online and talking to my boyfriend.  We aren't a real couple off line yet, but it's coming after I get out of this hell hole and move in with him two states away.  That, and I got several other friends who are TG friendly and even a few TG's that keep giving me advice.  One of my TG friends is at the same stage as me, has her appointment to get HRTs for the first time within a couple weeks.  It's weird, we went to therapy appointments the same days and everything lol... so we always talk at the end of the day to see how well we progressed.  I could always use more friends, PM me if just need someone to chat with and we can chat away all day lol.  The light at the end of the tunnel, it's there... and we have the same crying methods, nooooobody is around when I have a cry day and need to let it out, sometimes, crying helps loads.  Hang in there sweetie (((hugs)))

[stephaniec]

my  earlier experiences were similar , but also a hit different. My mother  died when I was 8 and  my father was good to me  ,  but the  thing you said  about choosing life rather than death and just moving on and dealing with the bull$$$$. that's exactly me.  It felt good to hear you say that.

[Railgun]

If anyone has any tips to cope with all the negativity and have some happy thoughts, I would really appreciate it > _ <.

Well, the answer you need is already in your own post.

To me it felt like I could raise my middle fingers to anyone who ever believed otherwise. Thinking I would give up, thinking I couldn't do it.
[...]
Crying doesn't help, thinking too much about it doesn't help either.

I don't say you have to raise your middle fingers to anyone, but you "just" have to carry on. In a >normal< way. No matter what other people CURRENTLY think of you. You have a >clear goal< you want to reach, so stop overthinking things. Just do what you plan to do. You know that you don't need any acceptance from the people around you to do it. You do it for yourself.
Which means: Practice your feminine voice, start your HRT and behave like you want to and not how it's expected from you. You're done with that. You did this your entire life, now is the time to learn something new! Something you like and you want to learn, so do it!

AND: act as if everything is normal, as if the transition you're doing is no big thing. You're just slowly changing to your normal future self. People always change during their life. They just usually don't talk about it or even announce it like us.
Stop talking to your father about the GD. He made it pretty clear that he'll obviously won't learn it this way. So just do your transition. As the changes will become more and more obvious you'll make it passively clear to him that you don't need his approval nor his acceptance. Also you will force him to think over it, without even mentioning the topic. If he tries to lure you out with insulting comments, just respond desinterested and go on. You already said to him everything he needs to know AND to accept for HIMSELF. If he don't want to lose you it's now on him to make a move on some point. While he thinks about it just go on.

You're currently mending a wound that opened up more and more as your life progressed. Learn that you don't need anyone that puts his finger into your wound or rubs salt into it. Welcome people you met and make clear to them that they're free to help you treating the wound, have a seat while you do it, or just to move on. But DON'T allow anyone do hurt you. You're walking a road with a lot of obstacles, but the wound will eventually heal up. It will maybe leave a scar, but you'll have walked a road that most people will break on. So wear it with pride!

This step is maybe more important than you think. Most importantly for you, but also for others. People will always subconsciously notice if someone is satisfied with himself. If he or she is really happy, sad or somehow concerned. See it as an aura that people around you notice. People that are happy with themselves show that on the outside. Others find them more attractive and they're more likely to get a job.
Don't fake a smile. People will notice and some will even attack you since they found a weakness.
Instead reach real happiness or acceptance of yourself. Despite everything that happens around you. But to reach that state you have to learn to accept. Not only yourself, but more importantly all the things you can't change. You can't change the view of all people, nor can you change the feelings you have on some days where you feel dizzy and not so beautiful as you wish to be. Everyone encounters that, but most people overthink it. Try to see the irony in most of those things. Laugh about them if you feel like it and then just accept them and move on. Move on the road you already carved out for yourself. Carved out of the hard granite that is called life and people will view you as a far more self confident than yourself think you are.
Then turn around and look what you actually did differently. Was it that much? Was it really that hard? Probably not, but it will be the key to your success in life.


And also... i saw your photos. You already look beautiful and will even more after transition. Your road might not be filled with as many obstacles as you currently think it is.

Lots of Love
Anna Maria aka 'Railgun'

PS: Sorry for the long text, got a bit emotional while writing it. ^.^

[Mark3]

Thanks for sharing.
You sound like an awesomely strong person,
with a lot to offer any employer.
When I was younger I also had a tough time finding a job.
I ended up choosing the store I wanted to work in most,
and going in and begged them to let me work for 2 weeks for free,
like a probation period, and if I wasn't able to do a great job, just tell me to leave. They kept me on, and gave me a salary. W/raise the first month.
Maybe something like that might be one idea.?

Your family issues sound hard to take. My family was different, they tried to
make decisions for me behind my back, so I couldn't do much.?

But you sound so much stronger and together than I ever was,
you really should pat yourself on the back, because you've overcome a ton
of stuff, and done it really well.!

You sound upbeat mostly, and have pride in yourself..
And its a pleasure to have you here with us.!!

[Lostkitten]

Sorry for the slow response, I haven't been really active lately > _ <.

Thank you for all the sweet posts ^^. I think it was just as much on my mind as on my fathers because almost just after I wrote this (like a few minutes o.o) he called me down and we had a long talk together with my stepmom which was emotional, but helped a lot ^^. Also helped to read the posts here ^^. I do still feel bad, unmotivated by now to find a job because I just can't get hired somewhere and I do still really want to move out, make progress in my life. But it feels a bit better ^^.

The internships by the way were not hiring, so no luck there > _ <.

Just working somewhere for free might be a good idea ^^. I will just give it a shot :p.

Thank you all ^^.