Another SRS story...

[PinkCloud]

14 days past.

And I am not out of the woods yet. I can urinate, but it comes in short bursts, ranging from 1-4 seconds max. Not a steady flow by any means. I think the bladder muscles has weakened a bit after 14 days of catheter pleasure. The bladder might become lazy after such time. I must keep an eye on urine retention, so I write down every toilet visit and measure it.

Here are my results so far:

November 3rd:
16:00 - 23:00 - 40cc   - no urge
November 4th:
01:00 - 01:15 - 100cc - urge, and woke me up
02:30 - 02:45 -  30cc  - no urge, woke up.
08:00 - 08:10 - 250cc - urge, awake.


Based on the results I might be retaining urine. But I can only be sure by having a bladder scan. I'll keep a close eye on how everything progresses. 250cc is good volume, and also an average amount of one toilet visit. The human bladder can can usually contain 400-650cc, but it can stretch to well over 2000cc. But that isn't healthy, and might damage the muscles. The bladder is a delicate organ and it doesn't like to be messed with. And one definitely doesn't want bladder issues for the rest of your life.

[AnonyMs]

If your bladder problems don't resolve themselves then this blog post might be helpful.

http://sifansjourney.com/2014/10/31/surgery-in-thailand-part-5-complications/

Good luck with it.

[PinkCloud]

The site mainly discusses a UTI. I am on antibiotics for 3 weeks to prevent it. Hopefully they work.

Well, just had another visit to the bathroom, and got another 150cc. Since I woke up 4 hours ago, I only drank one cup of coffee. So it sounds about right. Peeing went easier as well. I guess it works as it should work. It is liking peeing for the first time as a child. Similar idea like potty training.  it might be psychological as well. The sensation is definitely different than I was used to. It is all about relaxation and just letting go...

[PinkCloud]

About dilation...

My surgeon advised to use almond oil as lube, instead of regular lube. The almond oil is also beneficial to healing skin, and you do not have to clean the neo vag after dilation. He said I only may clean once a day, or else it will impact healing. Well, I tried it with almond oil and it went fine! I got the 3rd dilator in with just the oil. So it seems to work. As for depth, I think I reached 15cm for now. I'm already fine with that. Now I dilate two times a day, and I don't feel anything but a slight discomfort when I hold it in for too long. My surgeon said do NOT rotate, just let it slide in, and close your legs for 20-30 minutes and then remove it. It isn't a big deal actually, just have to make time for it, that's all.

[PinkCloud]

My experience is different. I easily could have gone without. Still, I'm thrilled I got it. Of course I haven't had any major complications, but even if I had, I think I'd still be glad I got it. When I was making up my mind, I had to ask myself if I'd still want it even if I knew something badly would go wrong. I had to say that I did.

But I can't say, by any stretch, that there was no other alternative. I was thrilled living as a non-op woman.

I was just the wrong shape.

I feel the same way as you do. However, I am not sure I would have gone through with it if it meant that I would be catheterize myself for the rest of my life. I do not know if I was willing to pay that price. I knew the real risk of incontinence, and that did not stop me either. But having gone through a complication with the fear of permanent catheter, I might have regretted the surgery to some extend. Yeah, it is difficult to say anything about it. We never know how things will work out. Having SRS/GCS/GRS is a huge risk in itself, and we are willing to take the risk just to be ourselves.

I am glad everything is going well for me now, I feel blessed and grateful for having had the opportunity to have it done. And that is what keeps me going forward.

[PinkCloud]

Being at 14 days, I think I will taper down my forum posts in this thread. I probably only update it when I have new complications or other discoveries. So far, I managed to withstand all the complications and pain it brought me. Since today I am also off paracetamol, so no more painkillers. Don't need them. I only feel a bit sore, and that is about it. I don't feel tired, but I am quicker tired. Especially when doing groceries. I am still living on my couch as I cannot sit on hard chairs.

Well, it finally begins to sink in. I now find myself without much pain, and it really begins to dawn what happened. I hadn't had the peace of mind to fully grasp it until now when everything slowly turns to "normal". I am proud of myself and the strength it took to pull myself through this, alone, besides this forum of course. This wish of having a SRS was so strong that I somehow managed to pull through everything I experienced. You can do anything if you really want it.

So the question is simply: how bad did you want it? This bad! 

[PinkCloud]

Well, everything is fine so far. Not much to report. 

So far, I had pain and issues for 14 days, including complications. The area is still a bit sore, but it calmed down. Also, the swelling has gone down a bit, and the hematoma seems to dissolve slowly. Some yellow fibrin and some necrosis dissolved also. The necrosis was superficial so no real damage. It is slow, but it gets better by the day. Which also means that peeing gets better by the day. Still another week on antibiotics. I still feel tired often, but that was to be expected. But overall, I seem to do fine so far.

I would like to thank you for the support I got on the forum, and thank you for your attention. It has been a great help being able to share my story. I t pulled me through some difficult moments.

[PinkCloud]

A short update of things...

I am on day 21 post-op. Currently I am not taking antibiotics anymore, and I feel great so far. Last Sunday I went for a walk to our local park, I could make it, but became too tired to walk it completely and made a short turn and went back. In all, it was a 3 mile walk. It's hard to predict when I am getting tired. One day I feel fine, but an hour later I climb into bed and take a 1 hour nap.

Today I cleaned my house a bit. I even managed to vacuum clean my bedroom and living room. But it was difficult, and got tired quickly. I can mange to do groceries, it works out well. Overall, I can do what I want but I have to be careful not to stretch it. Never knew vacuum cleaning was so intense for the body. You use a lot of muscles. But I am fine, I stop when my body tells me. I am still on my couch most of the time. I did manage to sit on a hard desk chair, but not for long.   

The area has calmed down quite a bit, but there is still signs of fibrinous material that needs to dissolve. Especially on the labia. The fibrinous material is yellow necrose, dead tissue that is sloughing off the wounds. It takes weeks for the body to get rid of it. It sucks, but there is nothing I can do but wait. My surgeon said it can take 4 tot 6 weeks before it starts to get better.

I did not use any painkillers after day 14. The area can be sore, but it is usually tight and pulls a bit, especially in the morning. It is the stitches and the labia that create this sensation. Sometimes I feel little stings, like needle stings, I guess these are the nerves reconnecting? Doesn't hurt, it's just awkward.

Dilating goes well, and I am maintaining my given depth. I currently dilate two times a day, and it works best for me. No sign of any narrowing or closure. In fact, it becomes easier by the day. Sometimes I can even dilate without using my oils. So it works out well so far.

Other than that, sometimes I wake up and think I am still in the hospital. Then realizing I am safe at home in my own bed and room. 

[PinkCloud]

I have nothing notable to post in this thread anymore, but looking back on my transition I did notice a few things.

Since day one I told my therapist I would jump on the surgeons table yesterday if they would let me. She would not believe me. I heard stories from other girls who doubted their choice for SRS right up to the surgeons table. It wasn't like that for me. Not one time did I doubt. I never doubted who I was. Surgery was a way to get there, nothing more. I was being wheeled into the surgeons theater with the biggest grin I could produce. The nurses probably thought I was euphoric from the sleeping tablet I got 15 minutes earlier. But I was just happy. I thanked everyone in the surgeons theater for saving my life, moments before they injected the anesthesia.

From the moment I saw my new parts I instantly thought that I had them all my life. I did not had to get used to it. It felt right the moment I held my mirror up to it. As if I awoke from a bad dream, a nightmare, living decades as a male. I can't even remember how my old bits looked like. Isn't that weird? I really cannot imagine having my old parts. I now wonder how I managed all these years living with the parts. Just unthinkable now that I have had surgery. This is me, and whilst still sore and unsightly, I am becoming me.

[suzifrommd]

I too, had heard stories of people who changed their mind as they were wheeled into surgery. I had doubt up until going under. I mean how could I know how it would feel to have a female bottom?

It's only post-op that all doubt has been removed. The further post-op, the more sure I am.

[PinkCloud]

Been 27 days so far.

The healing is definitely speeding up now. It is amazing to see how the body can heal wounds, wounds where one thinks are so messed up, that it will never look any good. One can always trust on the body, it never seems to fail to protect and heal even the worst wounds. From black necrosis, to large (yellow) fibrine tissue sloughing near the labia minora is almost gone, and fresh granulation (red/pink) tissue becomes visible. Other small wounds have healed, especially around the stitches. The area still pulls a bit when walking, but nothing major to worry about. It is just uncomfortable at times. My energy levels seem to come back, albeit slowly. 3 weeks so far and I am doing fine. In another 3 weeks I will be even better.

[PinkCloud]

It has been 4 weeks to the day.

So far it is getting better. The area isn't sore anymore, and all tiny wounds have healed nicely. These wounds were drain wounds, small tears due to dilating, and labia minora wounds around stitches. The only visible wound left is on the labia minora which is granulating right now. So overall, it has been a fine recovery so far. No bleeding at all, and dilation is fine too. Last week I visited my surgeon for the 2nd time after surgery. He had a look inside with the speculum, and told me that it looks great, and that I should "keep doing what I am doing", because it seems to work. I did not tell him that I read some materials about woundcare and applied it. That definitely speed up healing for me.

Since today I did not even notice the area for the most part, forgot it most of the day, so it seems to become normal. Also, I do not see any traces of stitches, they are all gone. Swelling has gone down considerably, and it looks quite healthy.

My next appointment is in 6 weeks.

[PinkCloud]

Bit depressed over the last few days... besides the usual annoyances at home and neighbors, I had another complication: some hypergranulation on the labia minora that needs to be cauterized with silvernitrate. Not looking forward to it actually. It feels like I am wounded, and still not healing. The granulation wants to close or fuse the labia minora, so I have to pull them apart twice a day, otherwise it will grow shut which means I have to go back to my old friend the catheter, and that would be a major setback. It has become high maintenance and it frustrates me. It just sucks.

Did a lot of thinking too. The surgery wasn't a big deal. Pain for two weeks, it's nothing. If you can stand electrolysis for two years, SRS was a joke when I compare it. I am also thinking about my life and what I want. It seems I am done, but it doesn't feel that way. Socially there is some massive work to be done. I am a loner, and maybe that is part of who I am. I don't know. I also don't like people very much. I always want to be left alone, as I had too many bad experiences with people. The usual trust no one mantra... too many bad people hurt me, sexually, physically and mentally, including my own family. Anyway, what is next? I thought about FFS, but I really care less right now. I do not think I can do another surgery...

Some things are just unfixable... the vase has shattered, and while I can glue the pieces together, the cracks will always be visible.

[suzifrommd]

Did a lot of thinking too. The surgery wasn't a big deal. Pain for two weeks, it's nothing. If you can stand electrolysis for two years, SRS was a joke when I compare it.

PC, I agree with this completely.

I hope your healing gets back on track and you can get back to enjoying your new body.

[BrandiMcC]

Thank you for sharing your story, it was very interesting to me.  I would have my surgery with no second thoughts, if I had the money to take time off work to fully recover.  I am finally on HRT and figure I should be ready for surgery when I am 40 or so.  Not really ideal but better late than never.  I am worried about dealing with everything on my own like you, as I am a bit of a loner as well.   

[PinkCloud]

5 1/2 weeks, approaching the 6th week soon since surgery.

Today, I could sit on my desk chair like I always did. Lots of improvement on sitting. Managed to sit in the surgeons waiting room as well. Granulation is still present. Peeing is fine, but since it is healing it still goes all over the place, depending on many factors. Which also results in a stingy anus when it's washed with urine. Maybe too much info, but who knows, maybe it helps others. I try to be as factual and accurate as I can be. I do not notice the area much anymore. Sometimes the occasional jab and stab, nerves reconnecting. The neo clit is especially sensitive when I lay down, it seems to engorge and I get this typical feeling I also had with the glans, as if the clit wants to get erect with blood. It is not the same, but it seems a female version of it, much less but I do have to get used to it. It seems to have a mind of it's own, especially when laying down. I do not feel any libido, so it probably is the brain / parasympathetic nervous system * / Bulbospongiosus muscle, trying to figure out what this shortcut is all about, and pushes blood to the neo clit to see what it does and hopefully it will remap the nerves. Or maybe it is normal. Some say it is. I do not know, cannot tell. I trust it is normal.** I do not get any phantom tissue issues. I mistake them for the PC muscle and the clit engorgement.

I said my couch goodbye today. As I wasn't a couch potato to begin with, I spend at least 4 weeks on my couch for the most part. Currently I am shifting back to my desk. And it works out fine. Can sit without any problems. So that is a good sign. Next week I go and visit my surgeon again, just be sure/clear on the complications I got.

Now that I am getting better each day, I think a lot about my life and future. About what I want... that isn't fully clear yet. I got a blank slate in many ways, and now I don't know yet what to draw on it...


*Another role that the parasympathetic nervous system plays is in sexual activity. In males, the cavernous nerves from the prostatic plexus stimulate smooth muscles in the fibrous trabeculae of the coiled helicene arteries to relax and allow blood to fill the corpora cavernosum and the corpus spongiosum of the penis, making it rigid to prepare for sexual activity. (...) ** In the female, there is erectile tissue analogous to the male yet less substantial that plays a large role in sexual stimulation.

[PinkCloud]

I haven't told my experience in the hospital yet, maybe it's nice to write something about it.


A patient next to me, was a cis woman in her fifties. As I was nursed on at general plastic surgery care, I was the only transwoman. On day 3 the woman was wheeled next to me. Not long after that a doc came to her bed to bring the bad news: "I am sorry to say, but we found cancer. And we need to start radiation therapy soon". Just one sentence changed everything for this woman. She said next: "I quit smoking 17 days ago". The doc said: "It is just too late.". When I heard that, I thought: I quit about a year ago. Another incentive to stay smoke free. This is the cold and brutal REALITY, not some philosophical BS. It is something to remember when I ever feel the urge, which I luckily do not feel yet.

At one point I was able to get out of bed, and wandered around the hallways. I met a woman, she was like me just out of bed. She had breast reconstruction. One breast had cancer, and she wanted to reconstruct her breast. She asked why I was here. I told her: "I had a sex reassignment". She would not believe me... she said: "I thought you were a woman all along.", which was a nice remark. We talked about surgery and things, and about being trans. Then she said: "You have beautiful breasts!". Aw, so sweet... which reminds me to be thankful for having healthy breasts of my own. I thought: only have surgery when there is no other alternative. My breasts are fine, they're a full B cup and I do not need surgery on them. Look at this woman, who was missing a breast...

Furthermore, all the nurses said I look good. Some said I pass very well. Some were also amazed when I told them that sometimes I was still being called "sir". The thing is, people that knew you, don't see it. New people never saw you, and will never assume you were something else. Another lesson in passing and self-confidence. All in all, an experience to remember.

[PinkCloud]

Last week was a week of extreme opposites... but ending in a romantic and intimate weekend!  read on... if you dare!

I'm in my sixth or seventh week, I don't even recall anymore. Things have settled down much more than I expected. Swelling is completely gone, the neo vag simply sunk into the curves of my body. I even think I can ride a bicycle again, although I am afraid to try. Still, the last couple of days were a bit depressing. Post-op depression? or am I just tired of all of it? I don't know, but things did not feel good. On Friday evening things changed. An ex-boyfriend rang the doorbell. I hadn't seen him in, oh, one year? I was glad to see him again. It didn't take long before I was lying in his arms on my couch, a little kissing too, near the candlelight.

We talked about many things, and we also talked about my transition. He knew I was trans of course, but when I met him he thought I was cis-woman. He asked me out on a date, to which I said yes. That was 3 years ago. We never had any intimacy, because I didn't had surgery yet. Which proved to be very frustrating. When I told him I had surgery by now, his eyes lit up. And from one thing came another... we ended up in my bed, and had an intimate night together. I wanted to try my new equipment, so why not? I like him, he likes me. Well, I am not going to explain everything in detail of course, since this is a public forum, but it was nothing short of a remarkable experience... one tip though: keep on dilating PinkCloud! ...and next time use lube... prepare, prepare, prepare...
We tested the waters a bit, and after a while I had to stop. It just was too fast... six, seven week post-op, and still a little wound... he never saw it, all in the dark, but it's just too soon. But heck, I and he wanted to try. He enjoyed it, and said it felt normal. Good for him. I got my enjoyment falling asleep in his arms... that is so much more rewarding for me... it felt good to be with him, and I felt super-feminine, finally, after so much years... I think my batteries are recharged again, and I feel I can take on the problems and issues again. Human touch, human contact. It heals, it works!

[PinkCloud]

Just a thought:

I cannot do this, I cannot do that... well, you are correct. For anything I wanted to accomplish, I just asked myself: How bad do I want it? how much am I willing to sacrifice?

Currently I have 60$ left for the whole month. But my savings account is stashed. Last week I put another 100$ in it. Why? because I want that FFS so bad, that I am willing to live on a 50$ a month if I need to. That's right. I live on 50$ a month for food for over a year now. I sold some of my stuff, and I rarely buy something new. That 8$ Netflix subscription goes into saving. Every single $ goes into saving. I have to save another 4 years before I have enough to fund my FFS. To realize MY DREAM! paid in CASH, not in debt.

I hope this will encourage someone else: ask yourself, how bad do you want it?

[Susan522]

I am glad to hear that you are feeling better.  Hang in there.