Downhill (or: why am I crying?) trigger warning

[adrian]

Just another rant. I apologize.

The situation at home remains pretty horrible and I feel at a dead end. I'm hit with something I probably felt before, but hadn't fully realized - I'm currently so emotionally dependent on my husband that the mere thought of doing something that could endanger our marriage (like... transitioning) sends me down a bad spiral of depression and self-harm. The fact that my husband is very clear about the fact that he won't live in a "man-man" relationship doesn't help. So I'm totally stuck at the moment. My therapist and I are working on this, but it's not like there is a short-term solution. In the meantime, I'm losing all hope.

Unsurprisingly, I'm bursting into tears a lot lately, which brings me to the subject of this post. My husband keeps asking "why are you crying" and I just hate this question so. much. To me it suggests that he still hasn't understood what all of this is about. He isn't educating himself about what it means to be trans. He never asks me how I feel. And he doesn't offer support. To me, him saying that all he wants is for me to feel better are empty words.

I know he will never truly understand what it feels like, but I want so badly for him to at least try to understand. If he did, maybe he'd understand why I'm crying. I find this question "why are you crying" so unreasonable. Which probably means I'm being unreasonable myself...

[mrs izzy]

So many here with the same daily issues.

I had them with my x.

At some point we need to let each have happiness for any kinda friendship to survive.

Sad but sometime we just need to accept hurting everyday to a chance of some happiness and peace.

Trust me was hard moving on but I found that part of my missing happiness.

Hugs, day at a time.

[MelissaAnn]

Adrian

A big hug for you sweetie.

although you have a SO you do need to find happiness within your life. The thing is I find that I have to do the educating of the people who just do not get what being trans is. When he asks you why you are crying let him know why and try to say what you are feeling inside. Explain your fears, try not to be afraid of showing your emotions. Being honest and open is very scary but you need to honest with yourself to find happiness. I do so much wish you all the best in your travels and your journey pumpkin.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

[JoanneB]

Just another rant. I apologize.

The situation at home remains pretty horrible and I feel at a dead end. I'm hit with something I probably felt before, but hadn't fully realized - I'm currently so emotionally dependent on my husband that the mere thought of doing something that could endanger our marriage (like... transitioning) sends me down a bad spiral of depression and self-harm. The fact that my husband is very clear about the fact that he won't live in a "man-man" relationship doesn't help. So I'm totally stuck at the moment. My therapist and I are working on this, but it's not like there is a short-term solution. In the meantime, I'm losing all hope.

Unsurprisingly, I'm bursting into tears a lot lately, which brings me to the subject of this post. My husband keeps asking "why are you crying" and I just hate this question so. much. To me it suggests that he still hasn't understood what all of this is about. He isn't educating himself about what it means to be trans. He never asks me how I feel. And he doesn't offer support. To me, him saying that all he wants is for me to feel better are empty words.

I know he will never truly understand what it feels like, but I want so badly for him to at least try to understand. If he did, maybe he'd understand why I'm crying. I find this question "why are you crying" so unreasonable. Which probably means I'm being unreasonable myself...

Guys do "Fixing", not "Feelings". You have a problem, I may be able to help fix it. Talking about feelings for a newbei is very difficult. Trying to talk to somebody else about their feelings when you hardly have a clue about how to talk to them about your own feelings is nearly impossible. Throw in wanting to "Help" a distressed mate makes the task even more difficult. And you are hardly in a position to be clear headed and logical about how to get the emotional support you need when you are overwhelmed and crying away.

My wife and I hit upon a system that helped breaking down barriers and obstacles to really communicating on important grown up stuff neither of really want to. That was to set up a date/time ahead of time, a low pressure low stress point in the day block of time. As hard as it is for both parties involved when setting up this meeting (which is really what it is), don't give up the agenda specifics. That will only result in an on the spot discussion you may not be up to and at a not so good time for either of you. We give a sort of broad brush overview, and perhaps a disaster rating. For me to my wife it always includes, "No I don't a a divorce or separation".

Early on in this 6 year journey for us it was difficult to stay focused, especially for me with all the raw confused emotions I was actually experiencing for the first time ever. My wife is naturally tangential which didn't help either. I was a little more agenda driven, she was more towards feelings. A lot driven by a need to feel better about where she may fit in going forward.

Really talking takes practice. Like anything new it also takes baby steps. Also keep in mind during these early steps you will both be feeling your way through TMI. There are plenty of raw emotions driven by plenty of unknowns, both present and future. Also plenty of fears, demons, and worse case imagining going on until some new level of trust is established. Dropping the T-Bomb on a spouse pretty much shatters a lot of trust. It takes a while, if ever, to regain it

[adrian]

Thank you for you responses, they help. <3

The rational, grown up part of me knows that I cannot put my marriage over my well-being as an individual. But that part is totally drowned out by a part that puts me into "child mode". This is about stuff that happened to me as a child (nothing particularly gruesome even) that apparently has prevented me from being to see myself as having any value AND which means that I fear rejection from people who are important to me literally more than I fear death. This makes my life hell and I'm not in a place currently where I can simply walk away from this "mindset" ( and put myself first). I'm working on it with my therapist, but like I said, this is nothing I'll be able to resolve overnight.

This is also one reason I don't feel capable of talking about this issue and my feelings at home anymore. Whenever we do that, things tend to get out of hand, meaning that my fears get worse and worse because my so isn't capable of responding adequately (I don't blame him, I know it must be very very difficult for him).

He agreed to couples counseling - we have our next appointment next week and I'm hoping we can navigate to somewhat safer ground there.

Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me.

[TabbytheDruid]

"Unsurprisingly, I'm bursting into tears a lot lately, which brings me to the subject of this post. My husband keeps asking "why are you crying" and I just hate this question so. much. To me it suggests that he still hasn't understood what all of this is about. He isn't educating himself about what it means to be trans. He never asks me how I feel. And he doesn't offer support. To me, him saying that all he wants is for me to feel better are empty words."

I'm so sorry, that's some rough business.

That is a great start to discussing with him your emotions. Maybe relay to him your disappointment about his lack of interest towards your emotions and well being then stress to him how important it is that he looks up information; tell him trans people who don't transition have high suicide rates. If he won't be with you for who you are my two cents is that you sever your ties with him when you're comfortable doing so. Relationships can't function healthily without communication and trust. You're supposed to be able to tell your other anything that comes to mind and feel completely comfortable doing so or else where is the trust? I have never understood people who say "I wouldn't date a man." or "I wouldn't date a woman." are you marrying their genitals? If so someone will always have better genitalia so nobody better get attached. I married my other for her personality and brains, the genitalia just happened to be a package deal. We dated when I was presenting as a boy (we were that young) and my transitioning changed practically nothing, she says our relationship only got better. I'm in no way being a braggart, I'm simply letting you know, don't miss out if he doesn't care about your well being. Someone would love to be with you, for you. Anyway, at least it's out in the open now which is probably the hardest step in my opinion (I can argue with the best of them but the introduction I'm terrible with).

Seriously dude, you deserve someone who will be behind you every step of the way cheering you on, treating you like you're the most handsome person in the world, the only handsome person even. I really hope that can be your current other but if it doesn't turn out that way take solace in the fact that someone it there will treat you like you're the Prince you are.

I'm sorry I rambled, I know I'm a terrible person.

[adrian]

Hi Tabby, thank you for your response and the support - I really appreciate folks rooting for me here Of course that made me cry again, d'uh. And you're not a terrible person as far as I can tell

I will try to voice some of my feelings, some of that hurt tomorrow in our counseling session. It's only our second session, so we're still in the process of getting our bearings there, but I need to get some of these things out. My problem is that I feel I'm not entitled to feeling hurt (I know, rationally, I'm entitled to feel whichever way I want to, but in my twisted mind that's not how it works).

I mentioned my sui thoughts when I first came out to him, but I don't really want to bring them up again because I don't want him to feel I'm blackmailing him. I want us to be able to discuss things honestly without more fear involved than the fear that's already there.

The problems we're having now are probably a lot older than originating from the t-bomb dropped on him. Communication has been a problem for a lot longer, so that's the "real" issue, I think, at least partly.

I'm so sorry, that's some rough business.

That is a great start to discussing with him your emotions. Maybe relay to him your disappointment about his lack of interest towards your emotions and well being then stress to him how important it is that he looks up information; tell him trans people who don't transition have high suicide rates. If he won't be with you for who you are my two cents is that you sever your ties with him when you're comfortable doing so. Relationships can't function healthily without communication and trust. You're supposed to be able to tell your other anything that comes to mind and feel completely comfortable doing so or else where is the trust? I have never understood people who say "I wouldn't date a man." or "I wouldn't date a woman." are you marrying their genitals? If so someone will always have better genitalia so nobody better get attached. I married my other for her personality and brains, the genitalia just happened to be a package deal. We dated when I was presenting as a boy (we were that young) and my transitioning changed practically nothing, she says our relationship only got better. I'm in no way being a braggart, I'm simply letting you know, don't miss out if he doesn't care about your well being. Someone would love to be with you, for you. Anyway, at least it's out in the open now which is probably the hardest step in my opinion (I can argue with the best of them but the introduction I'm terrible with).

Seriously dude, you deserve someone who will be behind you every step of the way cheering you on, treating you like you're the most handsome person in the world, the only handsome person even. I really hope that can be your current other but if it doesn't turn out that way take solace in the fact that someone it there will treat you like you're the Prince you are.

I'm sorry I rambled, I know I'm a terrible person.

[ElioAyla]

Adrian - my partner is the same way. Exactly the same. Trouble communicating, and doesn't want to be in a "male / male" relationship.
But they already are.
Just because they won't admit it doesn't make it not true.
But I understand fear of being alone.
I totally do.

[adrian]

Thank you, Elio. I'm sorry you're having similar problems with your partner.

I have decided that for the time being if he doesn't want to talk about it, I won't make him. And that instead we'll try and work on our general, everyday communication.
At the same time, I'm working on my issues with my therapist. It's slow and painstaking, but I hope somehow things are going to work out.

I'm really scared when I think of my future, so for the most part I try not to.

[ElioAyla]

Yeah. I feel you. When I think of my future, there are so many spirals, so many ways it could go. I would say it's maddening, but I'm beyond madness at this point. I am at the point of not giving a ->-bleeped-<-. But I keep living every day.

[adrian]

I know.

Here's to somehow coming out whole and reasonably unscathed at the other end of this tunnel. :raises mug of hot ginger tea: