Your kids sound like they have a lot going on, so it's reasonable to be afraid. But you have this thing going on inside your head, too!
Here is my story. I'll start in the middle to avoid writing you a novella, because I write a lot.
I hope this helps answer your question.
When I was about 19, and in college, I learned about genderqueer and began to wonder if that was me. At the time, I was into an alternative fashion style that had masculine and feminine subtypes, and I felt naturally drawn to the masculine type. I cut my hair short because I was resentful over a bad haircut, and to my surprise, fell in love with the short hair. Dressing like this and emulating a masculine persona thrilled me to my core. One day I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a window and was struck with sudden terror. It was a feeling like "That can't be me, I'm not good enough to actually attain that!"
I also had some sexuality issues going on, because I'd never had strong feelings for any men. Meeting the man who would become my husband changed that as well as my gender identity. I stopped dressing in masculine clothing because this man wasn't gay, and I felt weird around him as a male persona. I found myself falling in love with traditionally feminine domestic activities, like cooking and cleaning, and on top of that, I loved doing them FOR my husband. I wanted to be a good housewife, and this confused me so much, but I just went with it because I couldn't deny what I loved. There was also some guilt involved, because I had never thought of myself as a feminine person, and I felt like I was a traitor to the "non-girly women" club.
Sometimes, I'd think back on my previous lifestyle with a sense of nostalgia, but when I became pregnant (at age 28), I felt like a powerful lioness. "Oh, all that genderqueer and boystyle stuff? TOTALLY a phase!" I said to myself. I am woman, hear me roar!
Something happened after my daughter was born, but I don't remember what. I think it was a combination of seeing the old male styles I used to love and being filled with jealousy and longing, plus some eerily vivid dreams in which I was a man. That led me into some deep consideration, which led me to reclaim the label "genderqueer," which led me to research transgender issues. For awhile, I'd had this concept of a "manself" which was just supposed to be a fun, silly game, but one day during this period he said to me, "Hey, I'm you." I put all the pieces together and they all made sense.
For the next three months, up until now, I did a lot of what you're doing, seesawing back and forth, and wishing I could just pick a goddamn gender, already. I tried identifying as non-binary (there's a forum for this here), but I was still having obsessive thoughts about being a man. "But what if I'm a man?" Well, try transitioning? "But what if I regret it?" Then don't transition. "But...what if I'm a man?" So, with the help of therapy, I said to myself, fine. I'm a man, RIGHT NOW. The thoughts went away, and my mind has been peaceful since. So it's only been a few weeks since I actually started identifying as FTM.
I still have doubts. I like women's fashion better than men's fashion when it comes to formal settings, even though I prefer men's clothes on a casual basis. Even though many of my interests are male-dominated, some are female-dominated. I've settled on the idea that I'm a feminine man, and that explains why I was never a tomboy, but I worry, wouldn't the world go easier on me if I just remained female? I even still feel like I'm not "good enough" or worthy to be perceived as male, like it's a dream too good to be true.
So no, I guess it's not really consistent. Like anybody making a life-altering decision, my head is full of doubts. But accepting myself as male does fill me with a lot of peace and joy for life, and that's enough to convince me that I should trust my gut feelings.
I hope that was not too terribly long and that you found it helpful.
