so my real name is not sam but it is a good gender neutral name that I feel comfortable using for this website.
A little about me... I'm 25 and I have twin boys who just turned 5. I'm just finishing up my masters (last semester then an internship and I'm done!)
I've been questioning my whole life.
As soon as I was old enough to decide what I wanted to wear and how I wanted my hair cut (5 years old) I preferred boys clothes (I stole my older brothers underwear because I didn't want to wear the girl underwear in my drawer) I wore my brothers old clothes and I insisted on having a bowl cut like him as well. Everyone knew I was a tom boy but what they didn't know was the joy I felt when strangers at the store would mistake me for a boy and refer to me with male pronouns.
Around 3rd grade I started to realize I was different from the other kids so I started ever so slowly trying to be more feminine. I wore skirts to school sometimes (surprise, actually they were skorts) I never felt like a girl. around 4th grade I became extremely unhappy and started becoming over weight.
fast forward to 8th grade when I started wearing boys clothes again and I liked it. at the end of 8th grade I cut my hair off short again.
Then in 10th grade I started dressing extremely girly. I mean, I wore a skirt to school e v e r y d a y. I had bright pink clothes, nails done, etc.
Then when I was 16 I learned what transgender was. I realized, wow that's an option??? I cut my hair off again. I made a myspace profile with the name Jayden, I made internet friends who thought I was a boy and I came out to my bestfriend as transgendered. I lived that way until after highschool. My first year of community college I emailed my professors before hand and let them know my legal name but that I was transgendered, preferred male pronouns and went by Josh. They were all awesome and accepting and I didn't have any problems.
1 year later I started experimenting with being female again. I started wearing dresses, skirts, leggings, doing my nails, growing my hair out. shortly after that change I became pregnant (19 by this time, and making really stupid choices)
When I was 21, my twins were 18 months old, I started having these thoughts and feelings resurface. I thought, wow I can't do that to my kids so now I really have to hide it. I started making some online friends who thought I was a boy and I was able to live vicariously through the internet. I was able to deal with that for a while.
lately the cycling has been more frequent; few months of strong feelings one way or the other. I've spoke to my therapist about it but I have so much else going on that it's been on the back burner. I understand that gender is fluid and that helps me cope knowing that I don't have to identify either way. However deep down I want to identify one way or the other and I want to stop swinging back and fourth. I've tried so hard the past five years to stick with being female and I've come back to identifying as ftm. I dream about just being a man.
1 year ago I cut my hair off again (it was all the way down my back and in a moment of bipolar mania I chopped it all off) I wear a wig during the day because I love having pretty hair. This is what is confusing. I either want to be a girl or a boy I do not want to be a "butch" female. I do not want to be a female with short hair. If I'm going to express myself truly, I want to be male. Being a tom boy or whatever isn't good enough.
I do like some girl things. I like doing my makeup, I like doing my hair, I like the way my wig looks. I like picking out outfits (though my outfits are not bright pink and girly, they are more of a tom boy look but they are all female clothing items). But at the end of the day I come home and I take my wig off and wash my make up off, put on male clothing and wish I didn't have breasts.
As I'm typing this I'm admitting to more than I realized.
Realizing that I could totally change my life by having a sex change is exciting to think about however it is also scary to think about and I think that is what is holding me back so much. One of the biggest things is that I have children, and they do not have a Dad in the picture. They already have so much going on in their lives that I wouldn't want to cause them pain or confusion.
I also don't trust myself. I can sit here and say I want these things, I want to be a man I want to have surgery, I want to be called "he" but what happens in two months, in two years? what happens if I accept it but then the other feelings come back? why do these feelings keep coming back? why can't I just stick with one gender? what the hell is going on and how do I figure it out?
