Trigger warning; I am a mistake

[Alexi]

Play around with it, have fun

I'd like something similar but I also like unusual names. It's getting difficult to choose but not stressing about it too much. I'll find it though. I'm still struggling dealing with a lot of complex things at the moment and nothing seems right. I said it wasn't safe to be visibly transgender where I live and that feeling is making me feel trapped and suffocated. Can someone help me find genderqueer or androgyne clothes and makeup?

[Alexi]

I told them I'm transgender and nobody is speaking to me about it.

[Jess42]

I told them I'm transgender and nobody is speaking to me about it.

I'm glad your still here with us.

As much as we feel the unconquerable wall of dysphoria, when you tell someone in the way of just heaping it on them, their level of shock is just as big as our wall of dysphoria. Sometimes it takes time for it to sink in because people have seen you one way for so long and now they are forced to see you in a totally different light.

[Sheila Grace]

Alexi- Just reading your post brings tears to my eyes. I have been exactly where you are, and not that long ago. It appears to me that you have had the courage to at least let someone know. That is a really good step I found. I know that as dark and painful as your situation seems, it will not last forever, and that there is hope and goodness waiting for you from others that can alter your life. In fact, someday your experience may help others who are at the exact place you are today. Helplines are there, and you can be anonymous in that setting. There are trained people that can help tease out the important things from your dark confusion. PLEASE do not hurt yourself. I come from a family where suicide is prevalent, and I can tell you that those are deaths that darken the journey of all that survive. Nothing, nothing is worth giving up that precious life that is yours. In this dark night, please feel the prayers that I am sending, and pick up the phone to seek help. You will stay in my thoughts and prayers today. Many blessings, Sheila Grace

[Alexi]

I feel like it was wrong to come out. I feel numb.

[adrian]

May I ask who you came out to?

[Sheila Grace]

Alexi- Nothing happens by accident and it obviously WAS your time to come out. However it felt, it was an act of courage on your part. But, responding to the push back can overwhelm any of us. Where you are now is right where many of us have been and it is almost impossible to see anything but dark. Please call someone now who you trust, and if there is no one in that category, call a helpline. You are worth it and your life is precious. Please know that this will pass and that you are not alone on this path.

[Alexi]

May I ask who you came out to?

I came out to someone I can trust, but since doing it, neither of us have mentioned it or spoken about it and I'm just not sure it's right at all to mention it again.

[adrian]

Give them some time to process the information, but after a while I would bring it up again -- ask them how they feel about it, for example. Tell them that you're worried by their lack of reaction or that it makes you feel insecure around them.

[Jess42]

I came out to someone I can trust, but since doing it, neither of us have mentioned it or spoken about it and I'm just not sure it's right at all to mention it again.

You know I mentioned baby steps, right? You don't have to tell anyone, I mean you told all of us. That should have relieved a little pressure. Most people will sometimes figure things out on their own. Subtle changes to your appearance will allow those that know you to kind of form some kind of internal, subliminal assumptions. When people seem to expect something or have formed opinions over time at their own pace then the shock value seems to turn into something of, " I guessed it all along." Plus the subtle changes you make to yourself condition them to see even when it is out there that you are transgendered, you are still the same person. It's really the frog in boiling water analogy. It may still not be good, but it won't be such a shock.

[Alexi]

I can't do it. I really can't. 

[Jess42]

I can't do it. I really can't. 

It really is no little feat. But I bet everyone has felt the same way. Have you got a therapist? Preferably one that is knowledgeable in gender issues? If not, I would search for one. They can be invaluable. You could go the route I did which I in no way suggest and won't even go there.

But Alexi, you are truly just one in a million or more. It really is no big deal when you think about it though. Most everyone of us has been or will be going through the same thing eventually. Don't be embarrassed though. A little at a time and day by day OK? Too much will overwhelm you and everyone else. Make a slower transformation. That's all. Find a level that you are comfortable with and stay there a while and then push it farther if you want. And then get comfortable with that and stay there for a while. There are ways of going about it that you don't have to just come out all at once. But don't overwhelm yourself with it. Yeah, dyphoria sux, the realization of being trans can suck just as much, but the baby steps will help to keep you from being overwhelmed and every little step you make take toward alleviating the dysphoria.

[Deborah]

I've been right where you are before.  I had my suicide planned out and even rehearsed it.

Put those thoughts out of your head now.  It will get better once you get past this.  Maybe not easy, but better.

Love yourself for who you are.  You are unique just as everyone else is unique.  You have a lot to offer yet so don't deprive the world of you.  And, you are not alone in this.

[Alexi]

I'm still working through the dysphoria. I don't want to give up.

[adrian]

I'm still working through the dysphoria. I don't want to give up.

It's great to read this! :hugs:

[FriendsCallMeChris]

Hey Alexi,
Just hopping onto your thread.  I totally know what you mean about finally telling someone and then having them ignore it.  For me, it is/was such a big deal deep inside to finally figure out what is different from everyone else.  But, to tell the truth, I am kind of glad my friend didn't do/say anything for a little while. I needed that time to calm down, myself and be okay with being different.  My friend was like a concrete column I could lean against . Friend was shocked, stunned, worried that I would be different and move away from them.  Since I've turned a bit clingy, that worry is gone.  Maybe your friend is going through the same process?

Good to have you here on Susan's.  I'm rather newish, and sometimes lurk more than I post but I always find comfort here.
Chris 

[Alexi]

How I'm still alive I don't know.

[FriendsCallMeChris]

I'm very glad you are here. You seem like you are an interesting person and it will be nice to get to know you better. 

I've just come to terms w/ being trans* in the last  few months.  It was quite a shock, scary but freeing for me at the same time. It explained so much.  I really have been interested in exploring the theories of the causes of transgerderism (is that the right word?) and am finding it fascinating.  Have you seen this blog post with excellent links? http://lizdaybyday.wordpress.com/2014/08/14/one-stop-trans-brain-research-list/

I would love to hear what you think of these theories.

[Jess42]

OK. I really don't know how to say this and I really hope I don't offend anyone what so ever. I just spent a few days in hell. Cry and sleep. Wake up and then cry some more and sleep some more. Try to be my normal insane self until yesterday and became overwhelmed. Letting it out let me face it. I hate pain and can't beat myself but letting it out then I could start beating it back. There are far worst things than being trans and one video that I watch over and over again when I get down that helps is Metallica's One. I mean imagine you can't see, hear, talk and have no arms or legs. Something like that to me would be far worst than being trans.

Being trans is not easy Alexi. It is hard to come to terms with it. But not impossible though. You can find happiness and put the despair behind you. You can be happy and feel unique. I mean look at all the people on this sight. If you ask me my opinion, yes I know I have my meltdowns too and yesterday and actually the last 3 days was a big bad one, we as a group or community or just average everyday people that go against the societal norms are way better people because we truly care. We don't say it just for society's sake. We accept everyone because we ourselves face unacceptance, so we truly accept everyone, not just because it makes us look good in society like some people say one thing and mean another. So just my opinion and yeah it sux sometimes but we as a whole are true human beings and society could probably learn a thing or two from us on how to be compassionate caring beings. Talking the talk is nothing like walking the walk. I see a lot of talkers in "normal" society but very few that actually get off the fence and walk the path.

Alexi, it may not seem like it but we are special. We are a pretty elite group. One of us fall and we all feel the sorrow and some of us cry. Yeah I know the whole guy girl thing and I'm such a girl. But no hon, you are not a mistake. You are special. You have a unique life experience that may help someone that feels the way you do now. And you are loved as family whether genetic or not and we worry about you. And anything I can do to help, just ask OK?

[Alexi]

I feel like Susan's is the only place I can feel safe. I love that everybody accepts each other and does everything to help each other and I hate that I haven't got the strength to help others as much as I want to. I'll do my best to offer advice and support though. I'm struggling a lot and things are bad, I'm battling to find strength to continue.