Hi! I'm Naomi, or at least, that's the name I've decided on that I may or may not adopt. I've visited this forum in the past, within the past year or two, when I first started to really question my gender identity, but this is the first time I've posted here. So...
I'm a 25 year old biological male, very very confused about what I actually am. I've known for a long time that I'm not cis...I've felt uncomfortable with the idea of being pushed and pulled to be masculine since my teen years, but for a long time I never really thought much of this, attributing it to my bisexuality and the fact that I've always been a kinda weird, introverted person...a total outsider through most of my teen years who (very fortunately) made many friends in college who accepted me for who I am...so I never really thought to question myself about my gender issues until recently...
Anyway, I recently attended (for the first time) a support group for trans (spectrum) individuals. My therapist (whom has been helping me through some very stressful and difficult events recently, during which my major depression came back with a vengeance) has been gently encouraging me to attend for months...I'm fortunate to have found a therapist with
THE LGBT health organization in my area, and my gender identity issues have been a topic that I've resisted speaking about for months...I've felt like there have been more important matters to attend to...but they have been resolved for now. I didn't speak during the meeting, but while thinking about what I might say next week, I realized that something about the stories I heard during that hour really moved me, and the floodgates opened...
Like I mentioned earlier, I've known that I'm not cis for a while, but haven't been sure who I actually am, and have never really made the necessary efforts to figure it out, as whenever my thoughts about it have flared up I always thought there were more important issues at the time. In the past few days I've traveled down the trans spectrum trying to find a point where I can say "this is too far, this is not me" and haven't found it yet. I've asked myself if I could imagine myself being reborn as female, and I can...if I could wave a magic wand and change myself, I have a hard time imagining I would go back...and I don't know why. This isn't the first time I've thought about this (the first time was when I came up with my name), but I've previously brushed it back, saying "this is just crazy" and instead imagining myself taking on some sort of alter ego where I could pass as the person I
want to be, as if I could just slip into it at will. And when I've thought about trying to assume this identity in real life, I've looked at my body and felt completely disgusted. I've bought women's clothes before, just to try, and I just don't have the body for it now...I felt happy nonetheless but didn't like the way I looked. When I was in my earlier 20s I might have been able to (I'm 5'6, and was 110-120 lbs then, had long hair below my shoulders, and was sometimes mistaken for a girl and never bothered by it) but since then I've gained weight and just feel ugly and horrible about my body (everyone I know that's commented thinks I look better because I'm not as slender and it drives me nuts), and feel detached at best and often repulsed by what masculine bodily characteristics I have. And I'm starting to realize that when I try to imagine what I want to look like that I envy women...
There have been moments during the past few days where I said to myself that this may really be the way that I am, and these moments have been followed by brief periods of serenity...feeling overwhelmed with emotion but peaceful...and then I starting freaking out about how all of this made me feel peaceful. And saying to myself "this is just crazy". I've had friends jokingly refer to me as "she" before (didn't bother me) but I've never had another person mention anything to me. I feel like I am going in circles, and am very confused...
I found this website the same way I found it when I first started questioning a while ago: by googling "am I trans". This seems as good a place as any to start and I have a hunch that others here have experienced what I'm experiencing now...I need some guidance right now and anything would be helpful.
