I need advice......Badly!

[adrian]

(((((((Jessica)))))))

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Honey,

I'm going to take a slightly different tack. I think your therapy session has been profoundly important and also underscore something that we all tend to forget. Your ability to have a meaningful relationship with a man is not really changed by having a vagina.

Your success or lack of success with men won't really change post surgery. I know many post op women who are looking but haven't found a partner. Surgery is not the 'get out of gaol' card, it is obviously something that many of us desire. But please don't make it the end game for forming a relationship.

Hi Cindy, I do understand it does not magically fix things. I really do know that. Like I said it is my issue alone. Maybe it goes back to being a cop suspicious of everyone or the tons of ->-bleeped-<-s we all deal with online. In my mind if it is gone I will feel both better mentally and rest assured someone is not just with me for that. Maybe I am not explaining clearly enough. It is MY hang up alone and my mind does not know how to get past it and just relax and enjoy being around people without worry. I just know I get clocked all the time and do not worry about it unless someone approaches me. Knowing I am trans and easily picked out I worry constantly about people's motives when they speak to me. ARGH, this is so hard to talk about.

[Cindy]

Hi Honey,

I'm going to take a slightly different tack. I think your therapy session has been profoundly important and also underscore something that we all tend to forget. Your ability to have a meaningful relationship with a man is not really changed by having a vagina.

Your success or lack of success with men won't really change post surgery. I know many post op women who are looking but haven't found a partner. Surgery is not the 'get out of gaol' card, it is obviously something that many of us desire. But please don't make it the end game for forming a relationship.

Hi Cindy, I do understand it does not magically fix things. I really do know that. Like I said it is my issue alone. Maybe it goes back to being a cop suspicious of everyone or the tons of ->-bleeped-<-s we all deal with online. In my mind if it is gone I will feel both better mentally and rest assured someone is not just with me for that. Maybe I am not explaining clearly enough. It is MY hang up alone and my mind does not know how to get past it and just relax and enjoy being around people without worry. I just know I get clocked all the time and do not worry about it unless someone approaches me. Knowing I am trans and easily picked out I worry constantly about people's motives when they speak to me. ARGH, this is so hard to talk about.

Believe it or not, I do understand.

I just met a guy today and it is WTF do I do. Oh well.

You can always pm me

[Ms Grace]

The thing is you don't have to deal with overnight and you don't have to deal with it alone. I'm struggling here to find the right words so I don't sound condescending or that I'm not dismissing how you feel. If I find out I can't have GRS for whatever reason I know I will feel devastated; GRS mightn't be a cure all but it is still important for me and how I see myself, so I understand, even if it is only in a small way, how you feel about the "defect", really I do. You asked for advice and the only piece I can give is that if anyone can find a way to overcome this it is you - I remember what you said you were about to do to yourself before you found Susan's, this place brought you back from the brink, helped you find yourself and become yourself. Even so it sounds like the self-discovery isn't over yet - maybe Susan's is or isn't the place to help you find that solution but I'm sure it exists or will exit even if you have to build it yourself. If it's what you really need and want the answer will present itself. Hugs.

[Taka]

never getting top surgery is a real concern for me.
i could easily fix this by moving, i could be lucky to get it.
but i'm prioritizing family, my local community and working here, and will hopefully soon build a house in a place i wouldn't mind living for a few years. of course the surgery is cheaper, so easier to afford. and i can even work.
but only a year ago, the thought of maybe never even getting this thing done had me completely devastated. and thoughts of finding a partner were impossible, it didn't seem realistic at all to find someone i could be with, of course because i didn't know how to deal with my own body.

what fixed me were other people. not just good friends, but a romantic interest or two, and a shaman's testament to the young and troubled people who try to grow up today.
trying to trust another person, opening yourself to them and you at the same time, is scary. but taking the chance can be necessary to learn that some fears are unfounded, and that you are acceptable. i had to do that to learn to accept myself.
some say that you can't love others unless you love yourself first. but it's also often true that you can't love yourself unless someone else loves you first.

anyway. the therapist is a great place to start. if it makes you cry, then cry. that's one way to heal, even if just a start.
telling us about it will hopefully also help. i wish you a great and happy future, and the strength to create it in spite of fears and despair.

[stephaniec]

well, it looks like we ended up in the same lifeboat . I'm on disability income too, no money for any surgeries or tropical vacation  cruises. my only hope for GRS is the government or a wealthy sugar daddy.  The type of person I need in my life is someone who just wants to be with me , if there's no one there so be it , happiness needn't be dependent on weather someone is sitting across from you for breakfast. It would be nice though and there is always hope.

[antonia]

I feel for you Jessica but don't give up!

You never know what will happen and just because you don't see a straight path to surgery right now does not mean it won't happen, circumstances, laws and regulations can easily change and make things possible that we could never have foreseen.

Life has a way of surprising us, sometimes in bad ways, sometimes in good ways so stay hopeful and watch for opportunities, you never know when they might present themselves.

[ImagineKate]

Jessica, miracles do happen. Hang in there!

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Jessica. You deserve to have all the wonderful things in life, not discouragement and pain.

I'll tell you what works for me when I face something that's agonizing, though if it's not right for you, feel free to ignore.

I pray for acceptance.

I'm not so sure about god, so I pray to my inner strengths. Works just as well.

I hope this helps.

[Shana-chan]

I am a woman and women do not have that ugly dangling wart, but are beautiful creatures whole and natural.

Before I say what needs be said, I want to clarify this now, I am not truly angry nor attacking or being mean to Jess or anyone but, sometimes we have to be very blunt in order for the point to get across. With THAT out of the way, Jess

What you said there is so wrong in SOOO many ways! How do you think people who are born intersex feel? Or how about those who aren't intersex but have birth defects that made their part'(s) deformed and such? How do you think YOU felt when you realized you were trans? How hard was it to be who you are? I clearly remember it was nerve racking and worrisome often a time worrying what others thought of me. I remember it wasn't easy buying women's clothing for the first time, especially when I looked like a male at the time and got the cold shoulder from not one but TWO cashiers upon checking out and it was Christmas time too! I remember how hard it was to use the women's bathroom at first, and how hard it was for me to even go out in women's clothing for the first couple of times. I CONSTANTLY WORRIED about what OTHERS thought of me and yes how I'd be treated as a result. Finally I just stopped caring for the most part and anyone who can't accept me for who I am can keep their distance and comments to themselves. Surely this here that I've listed (and more) was also hard for you too at first? But you and me had to LEARN to accept who we are and just like all those times Jess, everyone, you/we too have to learn to accept what we are, who we are, what we have and don't have and remember that, it will be ok, people (including partner wise) can and will accept us for who we are (Parts and all) and somehow, things will work out. Sure, not everyone has people in their lives who accept them, but maybe someday. In the mean time, there's plenty that can be done to improve your life and it all starts with, the mind and your fears.

As for women who have penis' and what you said there. I waited to say this till I made some valid points above and now it's time you all heard it, especially you Jess. I FULLY and COMPLETELY disagree with you there! Women are beautiful sure (Well, most women, some are not so nice and thus, ugly) but women can and DO have a penis and then some and those women are still real and true woman! I know there are some on here who are intersex and their parts don't make them any less of a woman and nor does the parts that we trans people have and don't have make US, any less of the gender we say we are. I know Jess, I know, you said you can't accept yourself with that "wart" I think u called it down there but, you're just going to have to do 3 things here.
1. Listen, remember and accept the advice above.
2. Remember that, you're looking at the here and now, not the unknown future which for all you know, the health system might cover us someday, technology might improve enough for us and something else might happen to help us. So instead of focusing on the here and now, look to the unknown future and hope on that. If you need help remembering that, well, *Points to signature*
3. Learn to over come yourself and accept who you are. It's not the end of the world, sure it sucks but, it could be a LOT worse and yes, I KNOW this is extremely bad, don't think I am making light of this matter but, accepting yourself IS the best way to help yourself right now. Remember, we had to accept ourselves and over come great obstacles already, this one, is no different, just, far harder. Just remember, people who're born intersex and those born with deformed parts/bodies also have to over come the same sthings we have to over come and if they can do it, so can we.

Best of luck to you and everyone! Hang in there and stay strong!

I just know I get clocked all the time

Really?  Could have fooled me. I have only ever seen a woman in your avatar and if you have a female voice to match the looks there and those clocking you don't know you then I am VERY shocked to hear this, and speechless now too.

[Sephirah]

This is your mind, your heart, and your view of yourself, Jessica.

Everyone has a different view of what makes a woman. And it's very easy to get offended if what someone says doesn't match your own view. But honestly, I get where you're coming from. It's how you feel about yourself. You're not trying to paint a picture of how everyone should be, but how you view yourself. How your mind works. If you thought it was okay to have a penis, you wouldn't be going through all this mental trauma. Please, let's not get bogged down in picking apart what makes a woman. This isn't about that. It's about Jessica and how she feels. Whether it's right or wrong isn't the issue here. So let's not make it the issue.

I kinda gave up on that aspect a long time ago, but what I will say is this... every woman has things they hate about themselves. Things they think no one will ever love them because of. It goes with the territory. We all strive constantly to be someone better than we think we are... our own version of perfection. We all have an image in our heads of what we think others desire, because in their place, we would desire it ourselves. In doing so, however, we lose sight of the things that already make us desirable. In striving for what we don't have, we forget what we do have. And that, in itself, lowers our chances of finding what we crave. We're too focused on the wood to see the beauty in the individual trees.

Love is a funny thing. It isn't a universal constant. It isn't a blueprint you must match in order to find it. Just as everyone is unique... what they want from a partner is also unique. There are people who will love you for you. For the woman you are. Regardless what dangly, bouncy, wobbly or otherwise fleshy bits you have. Never say never, okay? Because you can't know that.

Jessica, a lot of things about you are beautiful. And you, as a person, are worthy of being loved. We all are. Flesh is just flesh. Love comes from the soul.

[Shana-chan]

This is your mind, your heart, and your view of yourself, Jessica.

Everyone has a different view of what makes a woman. And it's very easy to get offended if what someone says doesn't match your own view. But honestly, I get where you're coming from. It's how you feel about yourself. You're not trying to paint a picture of how everyone should be, but how you view yourself. How your mind works. If you thought it was okay to have a penis, you wouldn't be going through all this mental trauma. Please, let's not get bogged down in picking apart what makes a woman. This isn't about that. It's about Jessica and how she feels. Whether it's right or wrong isn't the issue here. So let's not make it the issue.

Your whole post was well said, just wanted to clarify I wasn't making it an issue. I wanted Jess to see that she doesn't have to hate on and not except herself, my whole post was geared toward that and for anyone else reading it too. Sure it hurts, sure you'll probably have some Dysphoria even if you do accept yourself but, it will be less painful and you'll feel a lot better too. If Jess or anyone else doesn't see things the way I do, that isn't something I'm going to make an issue/matter of here because again, what I said was meant to help, not hurt or force my belief/opinion/facts down anyone's throat.

[Jessica Merriman]

I am sorry I offended. This therapy session really rattled me to my core so things did not come out like I meant them to. Even in my own topics I manage to upset people. I will only moderate and keep my views and issue's to myself. Apologies to all I offended. 

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