Depressed and feel like im losing it

[zk1120]

16, high school junior, transguy. Sorry for the long post i just needed to vent

For a long time I've been stuck in this limbo where I can't bring myself to be happy for longer than a couple of hours. Compared to other people, I definitely have the better end of the stick.  I'm out to my teachers and everyone calls me by the right names/pronouns but, i'm not out to my parents. (Luckily they rarely ever check school phone calls/e-mails since I have pretty good grades and never get into trouble). I'm also allowed to change in the nurse's bathroom, and although its usually stinking up from some kid's vomit, its better than nothing.  I know I should be grateful to even have the liberty to be able to wear the clothes I prefer and even a place to change in school when other trans kids aren't as fortunate as me, but I still feel miserable most of the time.

I'm tired of going to school where I'm constantly made fun of. I don't have any friends because I'm  socially awkward as hell and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone. I rarely ever change anyways because I have to walk past a crowd of kids to get changed and then back out.  I don't pass though. 9 out of 10 times because I'm really curvy and I have the girliest face. When someone needs my attention they'll always "miss" me and the 1 rare person who does think I'm a guy will immediately switch pronouns the second I open my mouth. I'm already pretty underweight but I'm been losing more weight lately because I'm too scared that I'll get even curvier if I eat. I keep having nightmares about my transition/dysphoria that keep me awake at night, and I don't have the energy to wake up in the morning anymore. My dysphoria is hitting its all-time low where I can't take showers without feeling like I'm going to seriously vomit. I dont think anyone could ever love me because im just so ->-bleeped-<-ed up. my legs and arms are full of scars my body is just  disgusting and i just cant function around other people without making a total idiot out of myself. Thinking about my dysphoria and future stresses me out. ive been having intense mood swings that cause these hysterical crying fits that I can't control and Im always having suicidal thoughts and i  feel like I'm absolutely going mental. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to go to school anymore or outside for that matter because I don't pass and I feel like im geting stared at all the time like people are trying to figure me out and i just cant handle it anymore.

I used to be so positive and used to think about how happy I'd be in the future when I go on T or get top surgery, but even that doesn't work anymore. I honestly don't even think I'm going to be able to live to see that anymore.  Even if i go on hormones, what if I still don't pass? What if my expectations are too high? I don't know how I'd be able to deal with that. Not to mention bottom surgery isn't even perfected yet and Idk.  It sounds stupid but I feel like I can't live with myself I'f I'm never going to have a functional penis.  I should be happy that we even have the technology to make some of this stuff possible but my bottom dysphoria is so horrible its killing me.

Coming out to my parents is going to be awful. I don't think they'd kick me out but they're not going to take it nicely. They already make fun of my for dressing like a guy and I don't think I can handle the criticism when I come out. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I just don't see myself ever being happy because I wasn't born as a normal guy. If i was cis, I wouldn't have to worry about any of this. 

[adrian]

Hey zk,

it sounds like a difficult situation you're in -- I'm sorry! Just a few things: you're not alone, ok? We can relate and know how it feels. Now that's not much, but it always helps me a little when I'm down.

Do you have a therapist? It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of stuff, and it would be good to get some support there. If you have one, can you discuss coming out to your parents with them? The first priority should always be staying safe, but if you think that your parents will not kick you out or get abusive, it's something to consider.

The weight issue... I can totally relate. I've been underweight for as long as I can think. Many different reasons, but one thing that kept me from even attempting to gain was knowing it would be in the "wrong" places. I have finally started working out to gain muscle. I'm pre-t, so no miracles, but I've managed to gain about 1.5kg keeping my body fat roughly the same. I'm ambivalent concerning the changes (legs look more misshapen in my mind, but I love the changes in my upper body). Working out boosts my mood and confidence. Maybe this is something to consider.

Keep on posting here, we will give you all the support we can [emoji4] .

[Ms Grace]

Hi there

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

It's not uncommon to feel the way you do. It might be worth trying to talk to a school counsellor if you can before you out yourself to your parents. I've found that having some idea of what is possible and what steps you might like to take gives you greater clarity in the outing process. If the school counsellor isn't useful then perhaps tell your parents you are depressed and need to talk to a therapist or counsellor. You'll find many people here with similar experiences and we also have a section for under 18s.

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Cheers

Grace

[Releca]

AK welcome to the forums. This is a good place to talk out your issues in a safe and non bias environment. I know what it is like going through life as the wrong gender and bathing and gym were always a bad place for me. I'm glad your school let's you change and feel more comfortable. I agree with what Adrian said though you should seek out a therapist even if you need to let your parrents know you've been feeling depressed then talk to the therapist about being transgendered. That was my plan but things went a bit faster for me but it would be a nice safe way to ease into it with as outlet backlash as possible. I can't say there won't be any but it may limit it somewhat.

As far as your weight I know how that can be a struggle since I was 20 lbs under my weight class till I hit 30 and finally hit the weight I should have been at 15. It takes time but there are ways to work with it. Perhaps weight lifting and even being a guy makeup can change your face from being feminine to a bit more masculine by altering how the lines look. This takes a bit of practice and doing it in little bits not lord or you will look like your wearing makeup.

Being shy is nothing to be afraid of and social anxiety can come in many ways but a good therapist will also help you with this as well.