Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 21, 2015, 07:29:45 PM
I don't know why I'm posting even more of these (no makeup this time, unflattering light, etc), I feel like I'm just torturing myself. But if it's never going to happen and I need to go back, so be it. I was utterly and completely miserable as a man. But, hey, it's not like I'm any happier now-except now people stare at me in public and I have to worry about getting attacked every time I leave the dorm room/being totally unemployable. My voice is good. My posture is bad, but I'm working on that. My hair is growing out now, it's a mess. And I've been on HRT for two years...I wonder, since my cheeks have filled out, I've actually been finding that some of my masculine features are more prominent since my cheekbones are less visible. I wonder if that means I should try to lose some weight? I don't know.
If I'm never going to pass, it goes without saying I should detransition, I'm not prepared for the social cost of being out to EVERYONE I meet, weather I like it or not.
Aside from what everyone else has said--I'm not lying when I say you're, firstly, like your name--androgynous. From the side, from different angles, etc.--I could easily imagine people seeing you and taking you for a cis-girl, while at other times, you seem more teenage-boyish--and the latter is partly because of your glowering expression in many of the photos. Smiling doesn't make anyone female, but glaring is a bit more likely to make you look masculine if your features are already ambiguous or not 100% passable--and in your case, it does. I also find that the photos of you I've seen with makeup, like your avatar, look more feminine--and I mean passably so. The HRT has already given or helped give your face a very smooth, youthful appearance that visually helps it lean towards female; if makeup will help push you over the visual boundary into the female range, and if you enjoy wearing makeup in general (as I do), then that is one option. Another option will come as you grow out your hair. Some girls look boyish when they tie their hair back, but a lot more 'feminine' when they let their hair down; the same may be true for you. Again, long hair has no inherent connection to femininity, but everyone has different features to work with, and having your hair frame your face, or in a high fanned-out ponytail that shows off your beautiful curls, might help. I myself was convinced for a long time that I couldn't wear my hair back and pass, and I still hate my profile when my hair is back (though I'm pre-HRT, so things may or may not change for me). But if I tie my hair up high, it gives a visual effect that doesn't detract so much from my femininity, and I feel I pass better.
You sound to me like you'll be much sadder if you detransition--so keep at it. No, you're not 100% passable, but you're definitely androgynous, and I think visual cues, like certain kinds of makeup and hairstyles, will help you tip the balance in your favour. When I wear lipstick, I feel more likely to pass. This is me--no one should be forced to wear makeup--but I know it helps me feel more passable. You look good in your avatar with the colour you're wearing. And you have lovely curls. Grow out your hair and see where it goes from there. At very least, give yourself until your hair is below shoulder-length.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do--but don't give up just yet, if you can.
